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Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/09/2021 05:58

@RiversideAnne

I agree that it’s a bit shit. It doesn’t sound like you’re super close to the bride so I do sort of understand, but equally it’s really rude for you to be the only adult female in the family who is excluded. And they clearly know that or your MIL wouldn’t have apologised when you found out!

I think you’re right that in time the hurt will fade, but feel free to pull back on your relationship with your SIL a little to protect your feelings now that you know she won’t give any consideration to yours Flowers

She’s not excluded, she’s a guest, her kids flower girl. She’s not entitled to be a bridesmaid. It’s not about her. What an odd response.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/09/2021 06:05

@Tealwarrior

Op, it seems your SIL to be chose one member of the wedding party from each branch of the family and in your case you’re daughter is to be a flower girl. I doubt it’s a slight that you’re not a bridesmaid as 3 would be a bit much but two with a flower girl is nice. Maybe they even thought you’d be upset if they didn’t have her as a flower girl.

Do you have a large role in the wedding? No. Thats the bride and groom. All you have to do on the day is get your daughter dressed and try to have a nice time.

There are more than 3 - 2 SILs, (wives of the other brothers) and 2 sisters of the groom, as well as another niece and the OP's daughter. That's 6 all up. Maybe the bride didn't want uneven numbers - but it's still a bit rude to exempt just one adult female when all the others are included.
RosesAndHellebores · 03/09/2021 06:10

You said yourself there was once a big row. Subsequently you have "got on". Those things never quite heal do they.

Also you've a 9 year old dd. Do the other BMs have dc?

ScienceSensibility · 03/09/2021 06:15

What an over reaction.,

You are an adult woman who is “shaking” and “numb” because you haven’t been asked to be a bridesmaid??

This can’t be real. Do you not have much going on in your life?

The best advice is get over it and focus on something that matters.

Tooembarrassingtomention · 03/09/2021 06:17

Adult bridesmaids are tacky
You have had a lucky escape , be grateful

SpiderinaWingMirror · 03/09/2021 06:21

You are over reacting.
Dd gets a pretty dress to wear for the day
She puts it on and walks with a bunch of flowers.
Meanwhile you put on a pretty frock and sit in the congregation smiling and enjoying yourself.

Pedalpushers · 03/09/2021 06:29

It's not strange that you weren't told about it - do people really go around telling all the people who didn't make the cut for the bridal party? I'm sure many of my friends and family had no idea who my bridesmaids were until the day.

Notonthestairs · 03/09/2021 06:32

You don't qualify to be bridesmaid simply by virtue of being the partner/wife of the brides brother.

And your relationship with bride is obviously warm & cordial - because of your daughter being flower girl - but not super close. Which is perfectly normal - so normal nobody will think to comment on it or care.

And neither should you.

Honestly nobody gives a crap who is bridesmaid and won't give it a thought.

TidyDancer · 03/09/2021 06:33

I think it's understandable that you're upset but I suspect from the information you've given that it's probably that you're not as close as her SILs are and you're not married to her DB. I don't think you can really fairly compare yourself to them in this situation. They are the wives of her brothers and you aren't. It's probably as simple as that. Of course she could be a total cow and in which case you've had a lucky escape.

3Br1tnee · 03/09/2021 06:33

[quote again2020]@3Br1tnee I wish I had the guts for this![/quote]
Who do you care about offending? They've already shunned you. Fuck them.

BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII · 03/09/2021 06:36

I'm on your side actually OP. I think I'd be a bit upset too and wondering how this effects the relationship going forward as she is openly saying/showing your not as important to her as her other two SILs which could make dynamics at family events.
I have 3 SILs, one I am very close to, one I have periods of being close to (when commitments allow social time) and one I rarely see and have no strong feeling about. If I'd have picked the first 2 I would have picked the 3rd just to keep the peace. Or at least had a discussion and said I would like your daughter to represent your family. But this shite is why we went abroad with zero guests.

3Br1tnee · 03/09/2021 06:37

@again2020

My partner is hugely family orientated, they have big meals and nights out together and are always in touch. I am always involved and I thought I got on with all of them. She is very close to my daughter and I take her to see her every other week now I can. Does feel personal. But maybe it isn't
I wouldn't be doing any of that anymore either.
0DimSumMum0 · 03/09/2021 06:37

You have every right to be upset. No matter which way you look at it they have excluded you. They could have allowed one extra to make it fair!

PrincessNutella · 03/09/2021 06:40

One difference between you and the women who are being invited to be bridesmaids (bridesmatrons) is that they have are officially members of the family and you are still a "DP." I suspect that this is the source of what is really stinging. You have been engaged for four and a half years and have a child together. My advice is to stop worrying about other people's weddings and just do whatever you have to do to make it official. Get married already!!!

Eralos · 03/09/2021 06:41

@again2020 try not to read too much into it my sister in law when married my brother had my sister as MOH and me as a guest. That was fine, we weren’t close. We’re really close now. Don’t let this affect your relationship with them, also being a bridesmaid is a lot of work, just go and enjoy the wedding as a guest. Although I know what you mean about feeling left out, I think you’re feelings are natural but an overreaction.

Lonelylooloo · 03/09/2021 06:42

If you’re old enough to have a DD you’re too old to give a crap about this! Adult bridesmaid are tacky! You can get away with 1 ‘adult’ friend who assists you all day, sorts your dress, holds your stuff, helps you pee Grin but that’s it! Other than that it’s children and teens only!

My DB is getting married next year and I’m really good friends with future SIL (they literally met through me) i guess ‘every other girl in the immediate family’ is also involved if you look at it that way but I really didn’t want to be a bridesmaid.

I even sent word through my DB that I would politely decline if asked given I’m almost 30 (SIL is early 20’s), already married and I have 2 children under 2 to control on the day, including my flower girl DD.

Literally I could not imagine anything worse than having to keep my (no doubt pale coloured) dress pristine and make myself available for pictures…etc. No, I’ll be wearing a jazzy print to hide sticky finger marks and no doubt changing poopy nappies during the speeches Grin

Faevern · 03/09/2021 06:45

I seem to be going against the grain here but I would be pissed off, not because I wasn't a bridesmaid, but the fact that you are a member of a close family and are being excluded from something that every other person is involved in, be that a wedding, a party, a meal or any family gathering. The fact that MIL apologised shows that she knows it's uncomfortable too.

So you have a bride who has 3 brothers all with wives / partners and children. She asks all of the nieces to be flower girls and the other wives / partners to be bridesmaid and excludes only you?

I'm thick skinned but fuck that, in your situation, I don't think you are overreacting at all. I'm not sure I believe all of the pp on here would really brush off such a discourtesy with apparent ease. I've read too many kick off's about a child not being invited to a party to believe that.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 03/09/2021 06:46

Adult bridesmaids are tacky??!! Only on mumsnet ….😂🙄

BorderlineHappy · 03/09/2021 06:50

I think @again2020 us more annoyed at the way she does out and the feeble excuse.

When did you find out your Dd's being bridesmaid

RosesAndHellebores · 03/09/2021 06:55

Oh hang on a minute, I hadn't grasped you and your dp aren't married.Confused

CutePanda · 03/09/2021 07:05

@Faevern So you have a bride who has 3 brothers all with wives / partners and children. She asks all of the nieces to be flower girls and the other wives / partners to be bridesmaid and excludes only you?

I would feel snubbed too and take this personally. Even though @again2020 is only her DB’s gf and not wife, the sister has known OP for 9 years. At least OP’s Dd is flower girl.

From now on, OP’s DP (bride’s db) is responsible for taking their Dd for all her flower girl dress fittings and other flower girl arrangements. Dp can spend the day with the bride, bridesmaids and flower girls… because OP is simply a wedding guest who can enjoy the day. She has zero responsibilities for the wedding now.

Lightisnotwhite · 03/09/2021 07:08

I think it’s because you and her brother aren’t married so she had his daughter as flower girl, to represent your family.
The other two SIL’s are.

It’s just a traditional (in the sense of choosing family) wedding set up.

If the couple were older, same sex, married twice before etc then it’s more likely the bridal party would be based on friendships and closeness to people.

MrsDThomas · 03/09/2021 07:09

Oh let it go. Buy a super dress and be more beautiful than her on the day!

Matilda1981 · 03/09/2021 07:15

I think you are well and truly over reacting - your daughter is flower girl so you’re already involved in the wedding party that way!

BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII · 03/09/2021 07:15

@RosesAndHellebores

Oh hang on a minute, I hadn't grasped you and your dp aren't married.Confused
Bloody hell... it's 2021 not 1921! What should that really matter. They have been together for 9 years and have a child! In today's world that should be seen as a much a family union than those that get married. My SIL isn't married due to financial issues but they are very much settled with 2 children and a home 🤷🏼‍♀️