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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
AlbertBridge · 03/09/2021 11:27

Maybe she just doesn't like you that much. Maybe she never really got over the row.

Angrymum22 · 03/09/2021 11:28

I can’t think of anything worse than being an adult bridesmaid. Have you ever watch any of the “Say yes to the bridesmaid dress” debacle. The more bridesmaids you have the more problems you have. Think yourself lucky that you won’t be forced to wear something that you hate. I would find the most stylish outfit you can afford and enjoy being mother of the flower girl.
Family dynamics can be shit, after years of not being in the inner circle of my husbands family I have now realised I dodged a massive bullet. DFIL had a massive stroke last year and needs 24hr care, because I’m not one of the chosen ones I have not been involved with the massive drama my MIL has created around it. Being a B list daughter in law has its bonuses.

BeachDrifting · 03/09/2021 11:29

You're overreacting and need to breathe. Don't respond. If it was me I'd be cheering. Dress stress! Responsibility. You now get to have fun with your DH. Turn up and enjoy, wear what you want. This isn't life threatening. Try and be mature. Call yourself flower girl assistant and make it a brilliant day for your daughter. Concentrate on getting lots of nice photos of her. Be the bigger person. Write and say "is there anything I can help you with for getting my daughter ready"
get the dress you want. hair you want. Book some photos for you, Dh and your daughter a few days before in all your finery. See this an opportunity. This is a key parenting moment in your life. It is important you demonstrate maturity to your daughter and how to handle stressful situations like this. Your responses during this will show her how to behave in future life. You say nothing to anyone about any disappointment. Not even your DH. Your response is all "oh how wonderful. They will look lovely" and "of course I'm not disappointed" with a tinkly laugh. "I can't wait to be the best dressed guest" this is not a thing to be blown up or made into a drama. You cannot win this one. You win by not playing the game and making your own

Jumpingintosummer · 03/09/2021 11:37

I honestly don’t think you are being unreasonable, it’s hurtful. I don’t advocate for refusing to attend, you sound lovely so be the bigger person. Others will see how rude it is.

BeachDrifting · 03/09/2021 11:39

I don't think YABU and it is hurtful BUT you have to rise above it. It's so blatant that she could be trying to scapegoat you. Whatever response you make to your family about this could be written as "ruining the wedding" or "drama lama" do you see what I mean? So yes, rant about it here but you have to be zero emotion about it in real life. Don't give anyone any ammunition. As far as you are concerned this is the best wedding ever, you are thrilled for them and you couldn't have arranged it better yourself. Kill everyone with kindness. Its the only way you come out of this smelling like roses. However, I'd be tempted to swerve the hen party. You now have no obligations to go to anything or attend. You have a get out of jail free card. If it was me, when the hen party invite comes through I'd respond "Oh no! I'm so sorry but I can't make that date. Gutted :( really hope you all have a brilliant time and look forward to seeing all the drunk photos ;) "

NigellasCookalong · 03/09/2021 11:41

When you say the other SIL are closer, how much? Is it very obvious.

I think if this happened the other way and my brother invited everyone’s partners to be part of his groomsmen and not my DP I’d have to pull him up on it to make sure something hadn’t happened that I wasn’t aware of. I think your DP should do the same.

LizzieW1969 · 03/09/2021 11:46

I don’t know why it keeps being suggested that the reason for the OP not being asked to be a bridesmaid is because she and her DP aren’t married. One of the other SILs also isn’t married! So it isn’t the reason.

I understand why you feel hurt, OP. You obviously know that your SIL has the right to choose who she wants to be bridesmaids, but your feelings about it are very understandable. Flowers

Theworldisfullofgs · 03/09/2021 11:47

Everything beach said

TooManyDinosaurs1 · 03/09/2021 11:48

You sound like my sil, I think she assumed she'd be bridesmaid even though she's been a total cow ever since the day she met me. She really can't stand me, yet still thought she'd be asked?! I had my sister and best friend from childhood. I had 5 other girlfriends who I'd been friends with 15-20 years at the time who I lived with at uni who I'd have liked but 7 bridesmaids and 3 flower girls would havd looked like a circus. I went with my sister and oldest friend as adult bridesmaids. The groom choses the groomsmen and bride the bridesmaids. Unless you are friends with the bride, not just her brother's wife I'm not sure why you'd assume you'd be part of the bridal party?

No idea why you think your daughter being flower girl gives you a big role either? My cousins children were my flower girls, my cousin got them ready and dropped them off, she didn't escort them down the aisle or stand in on pictures etc!

Pipsquiggle · 03/09/2021 11:53

@TooManyDinosaurs1

RTFT

powershowerforanhour · 03/09/2021 11:54

but I notice you're a "DP" and the others are "wives" - could it be that she's only having bridesmaids who are "properly" in the family (not that I'm saying that's right)?

I was invited to my cousin's wedding but DP (now DH) was not. My aunt (mother of the bride) who I think had a big say in the guest list told us it was because the venue had limited numbers (fine) and thus they had invited all the husbands and wives of cousins, but not the boyfriends and girlfriends. I suppose you have to draw the line somewhere so it was easier to blanket not-invite "mere" partners regardless of length of relationship but it stung a little as now-DH and I had been going out with each other for the same length of time - to within a couple of months- as the bride and groom, had been living together for a couple of years and been to family events together so it wasn't as if he was some weekend fling I had picked up off the street.

Oh well.

5lilducks · 03/09/2021 11:54

Personally I would do only what is needed for your daughter as flower girl, eg taking her to fittings etc and nothing else , I would only attend as a guest

This^

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 12:01

@TooManyDinosaurs1

You sound like my sil, I think she assumed she'd be bridesmaid even though she's been a total cow ever since the day she met me. She really can't stand me, yet still thought she'd be asked?! I had my sister and best friend from childhood. I had 5 other girlfriends who I'd been friends with 15-20 years at the time who I lived with at uni who I'd have liked but 7 bridesmaids and 3 flower girls would havd looked like a circus. I went with my sister and oldest friend as adult bridesmaids. The groom choses the groomsmen and bride the bridesmaids. Unless you are friends with the bride, not just her brother's wife I'm not sure why you'd assume you'd be part of the bridal party?

No idea why you think your daughter being flower girl gives you a big role either? My cousins children were my flower girls, my cousin got them ready and dropped them off, she didn't escort them down the aisle or stand in on pictures etc!

Obviously OP is not like your sister-in-law at all because she has NOT been a 'total cow' to SIL and in fact takes her daughter round to spend time with her every week, and gets on well with her??!!

I don't even think OP assumed she would be part of the bridal party, she is just upset that absolutely everyone else in the family is included, and yet she has been left out and it's been kept secret from her.

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 12:04

The only one thing I could think why this might have happened innocently is that both other SILs may have had the bride as a bridesmaid at their own weddings so she feels she has to have them.

OP is not yet married so it doesn't apply to her.

Still harsh but I could see someone thinking that way. Though I'd have expected her to explain that to OP prior to now.

Westerman · 03/09/2021 12:05

You're right to be upset, OP. They kept it from you & your husband, mother in law making herself look an idiot trying to apologise, the bride having her husband's sisters (to whom she isn't close) in the bridal party...it all adds up to excluding you for some reason. I don't think I'd want to push and find out the real reason in case it's too hurtful. Nor would I go to the hen do, if invited.

It will be lovely, though, for you and your husband to see your daughter as a flower girl, so try to focus on that and I'm sure the pain will fade over time.

Bollindger · 03/09/2021 12:10

You have no role in this wedding, your a guest.
Have you thought about seeing if your DD can stay with the family that night and you have a DATE night with your DP the night before the wedding.
You can choose your own dress, and have a scrummy breakfast the day of the wedding, and just look forward to the day without the Bridezilla antics ,
Just be happy for the bride, offer to do nothing, unless asked and you want to. Also if she asks you,,just smile and say that your happy to be just a guest and looking forward to being with DP for the day.
The only way this bad is if YOU make it this way.
Just tell the bride your so excited for her and welcoming her into the family.

BorderlineHappy · 03/09/2021 12:12

Any chance you might be asked to do a reading at the wedding?
Was coming on to say this.
Also when did you find out your Dd was flower girl.

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 12:13

@Bollindger that will depend on whether OP's partner is part of the wedding party or not

TutiFrutti · 03/09/2021 12:14

I don't think you're bu op. My sil got married 8yrs ago, they had 1 friend each as bridesmaid which was fine, no problem but I wasn't invited to the hen. No idea why, just went ahead and never mentioned.
We get on fine and although I would never admit it to her I'm still a bit Confused by it!
Seems to be more common than I thought.

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 12:15

Just tell the bride your so excited for her and welcoming her into the family.

The bride is already in the family, she is the daughter of the family....if anything she is the one not welcoming OP to the family!

DrWhoNowww · 03/09/2021 12:19

YANBU OP, what would really hurt me is that at some point someone has gone “don’t tell @again2020” and everyone else has gone along with it if they’re now at fitting stage and this is the first you’ve heard of if.

I’d be re-evaluating my entire relationship with the lot of them.

It’s got literally nothing to do with being a bridesmaid or not and everything to do with the weird secrecy surrounding who is and who isn’t.

Still at least you found out before you had to take DD along for a flower dress fitting.

One of my best friends was bridesmaids for one of her friends in another friendship group - 8 of them who had all known each other for decades since school, all went dress shopping, turns out half of them hadn’t been asked to be bridesmaids and half of them had - they found out IN the dress shop when the bride asked the bridesmaids what dresses they liked. That was not well done Blush

RampantIvy · 03/09/2021 12:21

She sounds nothing like your unpleasant SIL @TooManyDinosaurs1 Hmm

Notcoolmum · 03/09/2021 12:21

She's having her husband to be's sisters. Sounds like a closer familial relationship than her brother's wife. I've been a bridesmaid as a groom's sister.

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 12:22

I think it is the secrecy too that seems off in this scenario. Supposedly 4 couples who are close, see each other regularly and no mention of bridesmaids.

Basilandparsleyandmint · 03/09/2021 12:23

One of my sil has been married twice the first time I wasn’t bothered at all that I hadn’t been asked but the second time, it wasn’t that I was upset about not being asked as I bridesmaid it was more it was actually pretty horrible for me on the day. My dh, ds and dd all had roles in the wedding. I walked with them all to the bridal suite and then had to go find something to do until until wedding started. I didn’t really know anyone else there so i felt unable to latch on to other guests and had to go find a seat on my own. Then after they were all called for photos so was still on my own. Was only asked to be in her family group pic. Very uncomfortable and as I was driving I couldn’t even have a glass of wine.
Oh and she and my other sil had both been my bridesmaids tooGrin
So I do get why you feel left out OP