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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 10:45

@Angelonagelee Yes I did think she might ask me now through guilt! But I think more likely that she won't.
Yes, I'm sure there is a group bridesmaids chat on whatsapp etc. It's hard not to feel snubbed.

I think most MNetters think I ABVU.

OP posts:
Blitzes · 03/09/2021 10:46

@TableFlowerss

I’m sure if your DD wasn’t a flower girl, you would have been asked, but as it stands, your dd was asked instead.

As a bride, you can’t please everyone. If she had you then she’d also have to buy a new dress, so more expense. And not everyone wants 8 bridesmaids…

I think your being OTT and overthinking it far too much.

If you had read the OPs posts you’ll see all the other SILs children are also in the wedding as well as being bridesmaids so that’s clearly not the reason
Backtomyoldname · 03/09/2021 10:49

It’s a funny situation.

Unless a lot of shit hits the fan ii’s probably best to aim high and accept the situation though, hidden, gritted teeth.

Apart from the kick in the teeth about not being invited you can probably enjoy the day more and help/watch your daughter’s role.

There will be those who ask, on the day, why you are not a brides maid - you can have all sorts of answers lined up here!

To be honest this has the makings of a potential bridezilla event - best off out of it.

As others have said - you can leave when you want. You are not tied up in any enforced fun/bonhomie ether on the day or at hen events.

YanTanTethera123 · 03/09/2021 10:51

@Bluntness100

I genuinely can’t understand posts like this and some of th responses. To be so emotionally involved in someone’s wedding, to want to be a bridesmaid so bad and to declare that you’re having a large role in thr wrdding because you’re kids a flower girl, I just can’t even get my head round,

You’re a guest, your child is the flower girl, it’s her wedding, you’re not entitled to be a bridesmaid, she needs to pick those she’s closest to, it’s her wedding and it’s so so not about you.

Please stop making it about you becayse you’re just going to cause even more issues, there’s nothing to be hurt about here. You’re not entitled.

This ^^ 100% I wasn’t asked to be my sisters’ bridesmaid and quite honestly I was very relieved! Talk about being presumptuous.
dreamkitchenhelp · 03/09/2021 10:52

You have every right to be hurt. You are part of the family, you are the partner and mother to their brother and their niece.

I suspect MIL is a bit embarrassed and doesn't quite know how to handle it. So it is not her that has done this but the bride and groom.
I would also wait a bit and see if maybe you are doing a reading or something.

However, you need to find away of dealing with it with good grace.
You have a right to be upset but you also want your daughter to have a fabulous time.

Only go to the hen do if you fancy it , if it is abroad then it is an easy decision for you not to go. If she doesn't invite you then fuck her!

Do not go overboard on any present to the couple. It is both their wedding.

Your DP sounds great, he will be hurt as well.

Of course you could always elope two weeks before the wedding with no guests and only two witnesses and announce it at the wedding or your 2nd pregnancy. And it goes with out saying you will look stunning on the day.

So practice your smile, tilt your head and say how lovely everyone is. Secretly practice your subtle revenge! Good grace on the outside and Machiavellian on the inside.

I am not that grown up!

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 10:52

It does seem very odd that you are not included in the wedding party. Normally I am on the side of the bride as she can choose who she wants (I didn't have anyone so I could possibly have insulted quite a few people!) but in this case there seems to be an assumption that all female members of the family (on both sides) have been chosen with the exception of the OP, and it has been done surreptitiously.

If you meet regularly as 4 couples that will be awkward to the run up to the wedding, as you will be the only female not involved and possibly the only person in that group not involved if the brothers are going to be ushers etc.

When you visit the bride to be with your DD @again2020 is it just you visiting or is that part of a regular family gathering with other siblings/cousins there?

CounsellorTroi · 03/09/2021 10:53

There will be those who ask, on the day, why you are not a brides maid - you can have all sorts of answers lined up here!

I would answer “I wasn’t asked” and let them make of that what they will!

Sandinmyknickers · 03/09/2021 10:53

@thing47

Just to clarify, I completely agree with those saying it shouldn't matter, and it wouldn't to me. But a few (old-fashioned) people do still think like that. I wouldn't totally rule out the possibility that MIL has said 'oh don't ask again2020, they aren't even married'. Ridiculous, I know, but possible…

From everything you've said, OP, it sounds as if she definitely does like you, so I can't help thinking there must be other forces at play here.

But it's pretty old fashioned to have a big white wedding with several bridesmaids to be honest...why is it expected that the bride is traditional for everything else, but modern for who she includes in her wedding party? It isn't for me either..but I can understand it

Also, the OP is an adult. This is a ridiculous thing to be upset about, that she doesn't get to wear a special dress at someone else's commitment ceremony?

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 03/09/2021 10:55

Is another possibility that SIL thought you might already have your hands full with helping your daughter in her flower girl role? I think if a 4-year-old is going to be involved, it's inevitable that her mother will be too

But there's noting to do!. I had a 5 year old. She wore a pretty dress, carried a bouquet and that was it. What is the massive involvement in helping with her role? There is barely a role especially with half a dozen bridesmaids on hand!

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 10:57

It's the singling you out to be excluded and the secrecy that has made it worse. If she had spoken to you and said "I'm really sorry but I'm not going to be able to fit you in as a bridesmaid, however I'd love to have your DD as a flower girl, is that OK?" maybe you would have felt differently. I'm sure you still would have been upset, but it wouldn't have felt quite so malicious.

But the purposeful secrecy makes it feel worse, and I would feel the same.

Comefromaway · 03/09/2021 10:57

It did not occur to me to have my dh to be's sister as my bridesmaid and I presume the same applied to her.

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 10:57

Just had a thought - did the other 2 SILs have her as bridesmaids at their weddings??

Is that why they've been chosen here?

EmbarrassingMama · 03/09/2021 10:59

Weddings are considerably more fun when you don't have a role.

You do not have a "large" role because your DD is a flower girl. You are hugely overreacting.

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 11:00

@Comefromaway but she has chosen her other brothers' partners and her groom's sisters, just not OP. The bride doesn't have any sisters only SILs

Pipsquiggle · 03/09/2021 11:15

Can I ask how old you are and how old the bride and all the other bridesmaids are?

Could it be ageism? Are you too old to be a bridesmaid so your DD is your 'representative' from your family.

It does seem a bit weird. If that happened to me now I really wouldn't care but had I been 15 years younger it would have pissed me off but at least you know now so you have a year to be OK with it.

Also, some brides to be can just go bat shit crazy during this phase. They make decisions with no thought of how it might affect other people - just like this. And I hate to say it, it tends to be brides who have 'destination' hen dos.

Blitzes · 03/09/2021 11:16

I don’t think many people relying have realised the OP isn’t upset that she isn’t a bridesmaid she’s upset that she’s been singled out and left out as the only adult female not involved in an apparently close nit family which she’s been a part of for a long time! It’s not like she’s new on the scene

The secrecy is so weird. If it wasn’t a personal slight then why on Earth wouldn’t sil been up front.

ponyexpress22 · 03/09/2021 11:16

I find it odd that some people never considered having husband to be sisters as bridesmaids. Most people like to include them in my experience.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 03/09/2021 11:17

It's not just about the wedding day though is it.
It's representative of their whole wider family life, OP is obviously considered on another level to the other SILs.

So it has ramifications for ongoing family dynamics, which is a lot to take in - for example what do you do about future cosy couple lunches when they're all discussing the wedding day and how fun it was, or basically doing anything together?
I'd be taking a small step back and putting a little bit of distance/coolness between me and SiL.

GreyTV · 03/09/2021 11:19

I feel you OP. I was told I was a bridesmaid for a sibling wedding, then told I wasn’t.
Came to the photos, every single member of the family on both sides was in the photos, except me. Standing with everyone else with someone behind me not knowing I was in front saying “why isn’t greyTV” in the photos? But I was good enough to decorate the venue, do all the running around and look after the gifts to hand out to all the family, but none for me.
Still treated the same to allow contact with other family members and their children to continue.

Comefromaway · 03/09/2021 11:19

[quote toomuchlaundry]@Comefromaway but she has chosen her other brothers' partners and her groom's sisters, just not OP. The bride doesn't have any sisters only SILs[/quote]
She might have known them for longer and be friends with them.

Pugdogmom · 03/09/2021 11:20

I completely understand that you are feeling snubbed, and finding out from MIL isn't great, especially as they appear to be at fitting stage.
However having been a bridesmaid, your day isn't really your own, you have all sorts of duties to do, including standing for ages for photos with fake smiles whilst everyone is getting pissed in the bar. Helping bride with her dress when she needs the loo, and having to wear a dress that the bride has chosen, often hair and makeup that is her choice. Seriously, you had a lucky escape!
You get to choose what YOU want to wear, and can have a nice day talking to people.

Oh and you don't need to organise the hen do, which was more stressful than the actual wedding!

Ragruggers · 03/09/2021 11:20

Don’t be upset,you can enjoy the day without the stress and watch your daughter.It’s one day in your life soon forgotten.

LargeBouquet · 03/09/2021 11:24

future cosy couple lunches when they're all discussing the wedding day and how fun it was, or basically doing anything together?

But it's not as if the OP isn't invited to the wedding! She'll be there, just not wearing a bridesmaid's dress!

MerryHellbreakingloose · 03/09/2021 11:24

Similar happened to me.

Very close to my brother. Thought I was close with his wife, too. When they got married she had her sister, and her brother's partner (who lives in bloody Australia!) as her bridesmaids. Not me. I wasn't even made aware of the plan for her hen do until it had already happened. I've no idea why.

It's just never been mentioned since. Very bizarre.

Notonthestairs · 03/09/2021 11:25

As I understand it there are 4 adult bridesmaids - the grooms 2 sisters and 2 SIL (one not actually wed to the grooms brother but SIL for these purposes?) plus nieces plural as flower girls.

3 brothers of groom are likely to be ushers & best man.

So all adults of bride&groom generation will be directly involved in wedding and all the nonsense that comes with some weddings. Photos of wedding group, planning stag and hen weekends, top table etc etc

Apart from the Op.

So initially I thought Op was far too sensitive and who really cares about being a bridesmaid anyway. But (if I've understood it correctly) it does seem like an odd move and would raise a few questions to me about how I fitted in within the family.