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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
thing47 · 03/09/2021 10:05

I do think it is possible that the 'not married' things is an issue, OP. A lot of people don't make that distinction, but a few do, it could be that your SIL is one of them?

Is another possibility that SIL thought you might already have your hands full with helping your daughter in her flower girl role? I think if a 4-year-old is going to be involved, it's inevitable that her mother will be too!

I can see why you're a bit upset, but they are possible explanations which don't imply a snub. Maybe you need to know more about the situation before you can tell whether you are overreacting or not.

PS no one is ever obliged to fork out for an overseas hen-do.

CounsellorTroi · 03/09/2021 10:05

Bloody hell... it's 2021 not 1921! What should that really matter. They have been together for 9 years and have a child! In today's world that should be seen as a much a family union than those that get married. My SIL isn't married due to financial issues but they are very much settled with 2 children and a home 🤷🏼‍♀️

This. My brother and his DP have been together for 14 years and have a child. I regard her just as much my SIL as if they were married.

I don’t blame the OP for feeling snubbed, I would too. It’s not so much that she hasn’t been asked to be a bridesmaid, it’s that everyone except her has been.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 10:07

@CounsellorTroi You took the words right out of my mouth! Flowers

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 03/09/2021 10:07

My SIL isn't married due to financial issues

I would rephrase that to "my SIL isn't married because she wants a big wedding" rather than due to finanical issues. It doesn't cost a lot to get married. It costs a lot to have a big wedding.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 10:08

@thing47 As it's the only thing I can think of (apart from they genuinely don't like me as a person) I'll have to go with it. Although we have been together almost exactly as long as one other BIL and SIL. But I guess that doesn't matter.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/09/2021 10:08

[quote again2020]@ThumbWitchesAbroad I'm thinking she may have a big hen do abroad and tbh if be loathe to pay for this (plus don't want to be without DD for days). If it's reasonably local then I would probably go.[/quote]
Ah yes - if it's the big expensive overseas sort of hen do, I wouldn't go along either!
I do hope that they start being more considerate of the further ramifications of their actions very quickly!

RampantIvy · 03/09/2021 10:10

Am I the only one who hopes that this escalates into a hen do abroad and all sorts of other bridezilla stuff, and the OP can smugly stay out of it? (wicked Grin)

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 10:13

@rampantivy As I'm processing it and thinking about it I'm feeling more this way myself!

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 03/09/2021 10:14
Grin
FeedMeSantiago · 03/09/2021 10:16

I would find that hurtful too OP.

Still, at least you don't need to feel obligated to have her as a bridesmaid now if you and DP get married.

I wouldn't put myself out to help DD be a flower girl though - any trips to the shops for dress shopping, fittings etc. can be done by DP. If DD isn't getting ready with the bride then DP can sort getting her dressed and doing her hair etc.

thing47 · 03/09/2021 10:16

Just to clarify, I completely agree with those saying it shouldn't matter, and it wouldn't to me. But a few (old-fashioned) people do still think like that. I wouldn't totally rule out the possibility that MIL has said 'oh don't ask again2020, they aren't even married'. Ridiculous, I know, but possible…

From everything you've said, OP, it sounds as if she definitely does like you, so I can't help thinking there must be other forces at play here.

UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced · 03/09/2021 10:16

I wish people would read what the OP has actually written and understand who are the bridesmaids.
Also I’m sorry but the “you’re not married yet” argument what the hell? My aunt and uncle never got married together nearly 40 years and counting. But say you have a brother who gets married after knowing someone a year and then married a year later (happened in our family) This “official” SIL should be in wedding but not a family partner of 10 years??

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 03/09/2021 10:18

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - the subterfuge and being the only adult in the group who has been left out makes this feel off and personal. You are one of their family & have been for 9 years & have a child with your DP. Not that I'd really want to be a bridesmaid, but I'd definitely be very hurt by the situation so imagine pulling back for a while from the group gatherings might be a good way forwards for now - unlikely to be possible in the long term I'm sure.

Is your DD likely to ask you or them all why you're not being included since all of her aunts are? Might be worth having something lined up to tell her if/when she does (not sure what though).

Otherwise, yes, stick with being dignified and taking the high road if you can - it will be tough. Maybe if they ask your DP to be a groomsman he could reasonably consider declining since otherwise you'll be alone all day (depending on how he feels about it all).

Definitely another vote here though for getting yourself hair and make-up appts the morning of and a lovely dress so you can go and look amazing when the day comes - your DD will love to see you all dressed up too and you can make sure you get some of your own pics with your immediate family while you're all dressed up too. Try to make the most of what is probably going to be a hard day - maybe try don't drink too much, no matter how tempting - could be a recipe for disaster ;) GinWineGrin
Flowers

TableFlowerss · 03/09/2021 10:19

I’m sure if your DD wasn’t a flower girl, you would have been asked, but as it stands, your dd was asked instead.

As a bride, you can’t please everyone. If she had you then she’d also have to buy a new dress, so more expense. And not everyone wants 8 bridesmaids…

I think your being OTT and overthinking it far too much.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 03/09/2021 10:20

I had to smile at the assumption that married partners are guaranteed to be in the bride's life forever, whereas engaged with children partners aren't!

thing47 · 03/09/2021 10:23

That said, if it turns out she is just being horrible that would affect not just my relationship with her going forward, but also my daughter's.

In-laws who are vile to me don't get constant unfettered access to my 4-year-old, I'm afraid.

Sandinmyknickers · 03/09/2021 10:34

@me4real

Could it be that she only wants wives/actual SiLs, as bridesmaids, because otherwise a random ex of her brother's could be in her wedding pics for ever?

I know 50% of marriages end in divorce or something, but separation is more likely among unmarried couples.

Flower children are just there to look pretty so it's not the same.

If you were an actual SiL she might've asked you. x

Yeah maybe this. Not saying marriage is more important, but I can see why she wouldn't want a bridesmaid in the pictures if there's a chance you and her brother split...4.5 years engaged, but no wedding... I feel heartless saying it, but I wouldn't want my brothers girlfriend in my pictures...of course, I would still value her as a guest, friend, and mother of my neice. But not a bridesmaid (Having said that though, I think adult bridesmaids are cringe so would only have a maid of honour...but I think even more cringe is having wedding photos with an ex of your brother in it)
altiara · 03/09/2021 10:35

I would feel snubbed, I wouldn’t even want to be bridesmaid, but I’d still feel snubbed that all of the SILs are included AND it’s not include a bridesmaid from each family either adult or child.
It is weird to involve all of the family and exclude one person and give over on the unmarried thing, clearly OP is part of the family especially taking her DD over to see the Bride to be regularly.

I would just take a step back, not ignore them or decline everything but not always be available because you’re doing things with friends.

JudgeJ · 03/09/2021 10:37

@RampantIvy

TBH I agree with Lyra that to leave just one SIL out does look like a snub.
Why do people refer to the OP as a SIL when she clearly isn't as she's not married to her partner?223332
Notonthestairs · 03/09/2021 10:38

Any chance you might be asked to do a reading at the wedding?

JudgeJ · 03/09/2021 10:38

Sorry about all the random numbers, I'll move my coffee cup!

Angelonagelee · 03/09/2021 10:41

So, you are the only member of the family who won't be in the wedding party photos. I think your DP should decline any invite to be in the wedding party or at very least, be seated with you and DD at the reception. Its not just the day though, is it? All the family get togethers from now until the wedding will be full of preparation excitement and chat. Are you supposed to sit there like a lemon being the only one not included? I'd also prepare yourself for the pity bridesmaid invite. Now MIL knows your DP is not happy, she might push for this. I initially voted YABU, but you really are not.

Notonthestairs · 03/09/2021 10:41

I'd consider anyone who had lived with my brother for nearly a decade and had children with him as equivalent to a SIL.

Besides I thought one of the other "SIL" isn't married to the brother either.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 10:41

@judgeJ I don't know, but I always call them my ILs even though we technically aren't married as we've been together a long time plus I've always seen a lot of them. Is that not generally the done thing?

OP posts:
GingerFigs · 03/09/2021 10:44

I feel for you OP. It isn't about actually being a bridesmaid but about being left out. I would be hurt too. And the fact your DP and DD are part of the bridal party means you will be on your own during the day (so to speak).

No advice really, much has already been said. I'd probably just suck it up and pretend I wasn't bothered whereas what I'd really want to do is not go to the wedding and snub them from now on 😂

Hugs as it's hurtful Thanks