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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 09:20

Apart from the MIL none of the adult female members of the wedding party are blood relatives to the bride, they are all SILs @thisplaceisweird

Gonnagetgoing · 03/09/2021 09:25

You could withdraw your DD from being a flowergirl and also not see SIL to be every week bringing your DD but this would be petty.

However, I would be tempted to do the above.

It is a real kick in the teeth though and almost like punishing you because you're the slimmest/had a row with her etc.

Gonnagetgoing · 03/09/2021 09:28

Another petty thing you could do when and if you get married is ensure that this SIL doesn't have a part in your wedding but this is tit for tat.

Within our wider family, my DB's DW has a DB and he has a DW. There aren't that many other people in our family. This DW has managed to note invite me to her hen do or to other significant parties for her DC. When/if I get married I'd be really tempted to miss her out but this would be petty so I probably won't. But I'm tempted. She comes across as very nice too.

Pinotforever · 03/09/2021 09:30

I'd feel the exact same way. It's an awful situation to be in because you're obviously going to be hurt but also won't want to cause any grief by getting annoyed over.

I hope you manage to feel more at ease about it pronto and hopefully you can just laugh about it in the future x

viques · 03/09/2021 09:31

@Beautiful3

That is strange and hurtful. I'd decline dd role of.flowergirl and just go as guests.
Thereby cutting off dd s nose to spite the brides face , if you see what I mean.

Bride has gone low, you go high, your dd will probably love being a flower girl so enjoy watching her looking beautiful and having fun while you sit enjoying the day in an outfit that suits you.

Sonofabiscuit · 03/09/2021 09:36

The bride and mil sound petty as hell .
If your dp is part of the wedding party and wants to be ...fine .he takes your dd to all fittings ,rehearsals and actually wedding and watches her .I would make an excuse not togo to any of it ,including the hen party (if invited).don't yell or get nasty just politely refuse.
Also def step back from socialising with them all ,they have made it clear what they think of you
Not impressed with your other dsils either ,couldn't one of them spoke /texted you to tell you,you weren't included and why if they know .

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 09:42

@Sonofabiscuit Yes I think you have got me exactly. Not one of them has said anything to me, so its obvious what they think of me.
I don't know why. I am naturally quieter but for 9 years I have tried my very best to be part of the family. It will definitely change things. Luckily DP is on board with this.

OP posts:
Lalliella · 03/09/2021 09:43

Way way too much drama. From posters on this thread, not from you OP

Suggesting not going to the hen, or withdrawing your DD as flower girl, or refusing a role for your DP. It’s all spiteful and ridiculous.

OP said herself that she’s not as close to the bride as the other SILs. Her part of the family is represented by her DD as flower girl, and she will have a role in the bridal party by helping DD get ready and looking after her on the day. I don’t think this is really a big deal tbh. Just be the bigger person OP, smile and enjoy the day.

ponyexpress22 · 03/09/2021 09:43

If it was her sisters it'd be different, of course you'll feel hurt. Just leaving out one Sil is thoughtless and hurtful. She should have had all three sils or none at all.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 09:45

@ponyexpress22 Exactly!

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 09:45

Do you think you just get invited to things in the family just as you are the partner of their brother? Do all the SILs get together without partners, and meet up more as friends?

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 09:47

@toomuchlaundry I don't think so, at least not at all regularly.

OP posts:
LargeBouquet · 03/09/2021 09:47

@Lalliella

Way way too much drama. From posters on this thread, not from you OP

Suggesting not going to the hen, or withdrawing your DD as flower girl, or refusing a role for your DP. It’s all spiteful and ridiculous.

OP said herself that she’s not as close to the bride as the other SILs. Her part of the family is represented by her DD as flower girl, and she will have a role in the bridal party by helping DD get ready and looking after her on the day. I don’t think this is really a big deal tbh. Just be the bigger person OP, smile and enjoy the day.

Exactly this. The 'tit for tat' stuff is inanely petty and vindictive, as is the idea of depriving the OP's daughter of a particularly close relationship with her aunt for a perceived slight.
Notonthestairs · 03/09/2021 09:47

Is your partner likely to be asked to be best man?

I think I have somewhat reversed my view the more I've read of the Op's posts. The bride & MIL have created a weird dynamic.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 09:51

@notonthestairs I think it's a possibility. It's a shame as I really thought I got on with them as a couple, I got on with husband to be very well and after lockdown we socialised just the 4 of us
But as posters have said, this doesn't account for anything.
For clarity, DD will be flowergirl for sure. DP said he won't be going to stag do, or be in the bridal party if asked, bit I said he should, I would never want him to miss out because of me.

OP posts:
abbs1 · 03/09/2021 09:52

When my brother got married his wife to be didnt ask me to be a bridesmaid or invite me to her hen do. Her bridesmaids were her 2 sisters and another SIL. That hurt a lot not to be included when her other SIL was included. No explanation could be given as to why when asked multiple times.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 09:53

@abbs1 Sorry to hear, but neither of us are alone. How did you handle it?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/09/2021 09:54

If I were you I'd at least wait until you do/don't get invited to the hen do before you make a decision on that.
If they don't invite you along, then that is sending a VERY clear message to you, and at that point, I would withdraw from the regular meet ups with the other 3 couples and hopefully your DP would agree with that and stand by you in not going either.

If they do invite you, I think you should go. No point in cutting your nose off to spite your face and it would certainly widen any prospective rift - and it would also reduce your "moral high ground" stance.

I still think you should have been included in the wedding party but you haven't been - if you decline further invitations, though, that's you self-ostracising.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 09:57

@ThumbWitchesAbroad I'm thinking she may have a big hen do abroad and tbh if be loathe to pay for this (plus don't want to be without DD for days). If it's reasonably local then I would probably go.

OP posts:
Anonymouslyposting · 03/09/2021 09:58

But you aren’t a SiL. Engaged is not the same as married. If I were her I wouldn’t want someone in the pictures who might not be part of my family life forever - unless that person was someone I was close to independent of them being my brother’s fiancée. Perhaps I would if you were about to marry my brother or if you were in a long term committed relationship and had no intention of ever marrying. But after 4.5 years of being engaged I’d be starting to doubt whether you were ever going to get married (unless the date was booked).

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 09:59

@Anonymouslyposting I suppose so. Fair enough.

OP posts:
DizzyLollipop82 · 03/09/2021 10:00

I hate weddings, if I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid I couldn't care less lol they're boring.. just go as a guest and leave when you want :/

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 10:01

@DizzyLollipop82 We've actually said this. It's away from home so tempted to not stay over etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 10:02

I've actually just realised this may have indirectly saved me lots of money and hassle if I ever get married!

OP posts:
abbs1 · 03/09/2021 10:02

@again2020 we ended up not going to the wedding because I said if I'm not included when its my only sibling getting married then can I at least sit next to family at the reception as my aunt was flying in from the states and was told no you will sit where we put you with people we didnt know. Considering on my brothers side of the family it was only me, my husband, my dad and my aunt and uncle at the wedding, surely they could make it possible but said no, so I said theres no point in going if I cant even sit next to my own aunt. It was a very toxic time and a huge falling out. To be singled out like that was not kind and friends of ours that were going all wondered why I wasn't there so my dad had to tell them. Very awkward but they all agreed it wasnt fair what they did to me.

At my wedding few years prior, my brother was part of the wedding party (he was single at the time) so to not be included at all hurt so much.

Thankfully now time has passed and we've sorted through a lot with them. Still not on best of terms but a lot better than it was.