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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
Blitzes · 03/09/2021 08:42

Not being a bridesmaid fine you just have to take it on the chin (although it will of course sting as you’ve been singled out and excluded)

Weirds Secrecy around it and the fact your MIL clearly felt guilty enough to call you and DH suggests a nasty dynamic. If there was genuinely no malice in it then why have t they just been open and told you

Going forward OP you just need to be dignified, civil and friendly but just remember your SIL has shown how unimportant you are to her so don’t waste lots of time and effort on her because she clearly doesn’t consider you the same way she think of her

LemonTT · 03/09/2021 08:42

The saddest and oddest thing about this is that the bride has in-laws as her bridal party. The mil is interfering by apologising. Suggesting she thinks she’s entitled to an opinion. It all sounds like weird family dynamics and too much living in each other’s pockets.

Why not friends as bridesmaids?

neonjumper · 03/09/2021 08:44

She said ' well that's the truth' ... I don't understand what this means .

It's pretty poor they've kept this from you for a while that they're at the fitting stage .

Your partner does need to say something, it's going to be the massive elephant in the room if nothing is said .

Unfortunately it does change the dynamic of the relationship with them ... the way it's been handled has put paid to the dynamic returning to what it was .

I'd let them get on with it and reap the rewards of being delegated to being just another guest ie you don't need to participate in any of the monotonous preparations.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 03/09/2021 08:45

I agree with Blitzes

At least you know where you stand now. In your shoes I would be slightly distancing myself from them all. Maybe get DP to take your DD for the fitting and only appear at family shizz now and again rather than an active participant. Slight distance will give you a bit more control.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 08:46

@LemonTT The only thing I can say is that she doesn't have close friends.
At least if I ever get married I'm free go choose my friends without any guilt.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 08:47

Was the bride to be a bridesmaid at the other SILs weddings?

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 08:48

@burnoutbabe It hasn't been confirmed but I'm almost certain he will be. In which case I will be on my own on the day.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 03/09/2021 08:49

Having her sisters and the groom’s sisters as bridesmaids is “normal”, extending that to include brother’s girlfriend as bridesmaid is really not normal unless you were invited in the capacity as a very close friend of the bride’s which you are not. The nod to her brother is by including his daughter as flower girl. I don’t even knew why her mother apologised to you, there is absolutely nothing to apologise for, you are being absolutely ridiculous, it is not your family and not your close friend.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 08:49

@toomuchlaundry Of 4, 1 isn't married, 1 didn't have any bridesmaids, 1 didn't choose her and the last one did, but it was many years ago when she was young.

OP posts:
ToffeePennie · 03/09/2021 08:51

My SIL didn’t have me as a bridesmaid either.
I still went to her hen do.
Sometimes there are things going on behind the scenes that aren’t clear on first viewing.

Mrgrinch · 03/09/2021 08:53

If you're upset then tell her.

Blitzes · 03/09/2021 08:53

@Aprilx she doesn’t have sisters all the other bridesmaids are Wives or girlfriends of her brothers (like the op is …) or the grooms sisters

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 08:55

If your DP is close to his sister, can he have a quiet word with her to ask her why you are not included in the wedding party as all other females in the family are

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 08:55

I understand how you feel OP. I would be really upset too, you would think she would have given you a role even out of politeness given every other person in the family is included, even your child.

I wouldn't go to the hen tbh. I'd make up an excuse as to why I couldn't make it so it wasn't 100% obvious why, but I think it would just be awkward when all the other women in the family are in the wedding party and you've been excluded.

burnoutbabe · 03/09/2021 08:57

[quote again2020]@burnoutbabe It hasn't been confirmed but I'm almost certain he will be. In which case I will be on my own on the day.[/quote]
Well he should definitely decline then as he doesn't want you sat on your own. It's not his brother getting married so no drama if he chooses not to be a groomsman.

Howshouldibehave · 03/09/2021 08:58

@again2020

So people wouldn't go to the hen do?
‘People’ aren’t one group so would choose different things.

Have you been invited to the hen night?
Is it an activity/evening that you want to do and think you would enjoy?

If the answer to both of those is yes, I would go.

neonjumper · 03/09/2021 08:58

Your partner should be by your side on the day ... it sounds like they have definitely excluded you to the extent that you will be by yourself on the actual day ... they've created a bit of a them and you situation .

RampantIvy · 03/09/2021 09:02

If your in-laws have been trying to keep this a secret from you it adds a really nasty dynamic to the situation

I agree. And I think a lot of posters have missed this point completely. It’s like being the only child in a class not invited to a party.

@Aprilx the OP doesn’t have any sisters. All the bridesmaids are in laws to her – her brothers’ wives and her husband to be’s wives. The third brother’s wife is the OP, and she has been left out, which must hurt a little.

JingsMahBucket · 03/09/2021 09:04

@Aprilx

Having her sisters and the groom’s sisters as bridesmaids is “normal”, extending that to include brother’s girlfriend as bridesmaid is really not normal unless you were invited in the capacity as a very close friend of the bride’s which you are not. The nod to her brother is by including his daughter as flower girl. I don’t even knew why her mother apologised to you, there is absolutely nothing to apologise for, you are being absolutely ridiculous, it is not your family and not your close friend.
You really need to read before posting. At least the OP’s posts. The bride doesn’t have any sisters, only 3 brothers including the OP’s partner.
EIIa · 03/09/2021 09:09

You don’t “need to take a large role”

It’s not the RSC 😂

You sound really entitled just saying that and I cant help wondering if there’s more to the story

DancingQueen85 · 03/09/2021 09:15

Sounds like they've chosen your DD to be a flower gilt instead of you as a bridesmaid which is ok. There has to be a limit on the amount of people in a wedding party

thisplaceisweird · 03/09/2021 09:15

Being a guest is soooo much more fun than being a bridesmaid.

You say immediate family all involved, but it's actually just her actual blood relatives? Quite a difference really.

Gonnagetgoing · 03/09/2021 09:17

@Ionlydomassiveones

I totally understand why you’re upset. The secrecy and the Mil apology tells you everything you need to know. Exclusion is bullying and to even include your own dd and keep everything from you is nasty. If it was all above board, fair enough but it’s obvious they knew you’d be upset. So be upset. Let them know you’re upset but say no more. Take your time to mull it over and decide what to do. Let them stew. Even if you decide to forgive and forget, and be the bigger person, there is no getting away from the fact that they’ve been mean.
Exactly this. The secrecy and apology factored into it means this was exclusion by bullying and to include your own DD and keep all the plans from you is nasty..

Had it not been like this, I'd have said, yes of course SIL can have who she likes as bridesmaids at her wedding.

I was bridesmaid at SIL's wedding to my DB and really wish I hadn't been at some points as all the other bridesmaids were much closer to her, younger etc.

I'd be upset and figure out what to next to because, yes, they have been mean and unkind.

Gonnagetgoing · 03/09/2021 09:18

[quote again2020]@LemonTT The only thing I can say is that she doesn't have close friends.
At least if I ever get married I'm free go choose my friends without any guilt.[/quote]
You know exactly why she doesn't have close friends though don't you?!

Because she's a bitch!

doodleZ1 · 03/09/2021 09:20

@Happylittlethoughts

I know for sure you're about to get the "It's her wedding and she can choose who she wants- how dare you feel hurt!?" Technically we can all agree that's true. But, you know what? Of course this hurts. When you are the only female obviously excluded in the family I would feel that too. The sheepish MIL and sneaking around suggests others know it's not a great situation either. So you are not alone in knowing something is amiss. As for what you would ... Well that will be very different for everyone. I would need time to lick my wounds in private for a good while, then consider how I want to move forward. For me t I'd be cooler and less involved in DPs family .I would certainly re-evaluate my position with SIL. You can smile and be polite and chatty , after a while your hurt might fade and you can carry on as before. After a while it might feel like the coolness is where you want to stay. No need to rush into things. Stay busy and less involved while you process this.
I think this advice is the way to go.