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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Discovered (by accident) BIL is bankrupt. Do I tell SIL?

487 replies

PoppyWoods · 02/09/2021 20:08

Part of my job is to check the insolvency register. It's a public register, freely accessible to all.

I put in various names, mine, my parents, my sisters and brothers, not expecting to find anything. Anyway to my horror I discovered my BIL was declared bankrupt 3 months ago. It's definitely him as it lists full name, address and dob.

My SIL has never mentioned it. We're fairly close and she's disclosed very personal things to me in the past, so I'm wondering if she even knows. Is it even possible that he could go through the process and her be totally unaware?

My dilemma is, do I tell her or not? What if she doesn't know? What if she does know and she's so mortified she hasn't told anyone? What if she accuses me of snooping and interfering?

I honestly don't know what I do with this information (if anything). Appreciate your thoughts

OP posts:
thecognoscenti · 02/09/2021 22:20

@HeartsAndClubs

I wonder how many of the people expressing their outrage here would tel someone or would want to know if the same BIL was having an affair.

Because to my mind your partner being declared bankrupt potentially without your knowledge is far, far worse.

And moral outrage here aside, if your partner had been declared bankrupt without your knowledge, wouldn’t you want to know?

Bankruptcy has huge, huge ramifications. If she doesn’t know and they are married, she is suddenly liable for half their debts. They could lose their home, he will no longer be allowed to have access to a debit card other than to withdraw cash, the list goes on.

What if she is a SAHM and he deals with all the finances and she has no idea about any of them?

What if they don’t have a joint account so she only looks at what money is in her own account?

Clearly in order for him to have been declared bankrupt he is in significant debt already, and there’s a real chance she didn’t know about that either.

People here need to get down off their bloody high horses and think about the fact that a family could lose everything before they even know about it.

No, the OP shouldn’t have found out in the way she did, but now that she has, do people really think that the SIL shouldn’t be made aware in case she doesn’t know?

And again, if this was an affair, the majority of people here would say that they would want to know and that the person who knew had no right to keep the information to themselves.

So why not this?

Totally agree with you. If she'd seen her BIL carrying on with another woman few people would be saying to ignore it.
Butterflyfluff · 02/09/2021 22:22

Part of my job is to check the insolvency register. It's a public register, freely accessible to all.
I put in various names

I do hope your employer sees this

Part of your job is snooping on your family is it?

Regardless of data protection - it’s a nasty sneaky thing to do

NumberTheory · 02/09/2021 22:23

OP I think you're in an awkward situation. But you are right to be concerned about your SiL, especially since BiL has form for hidden gambling debt.

Since this is BiL and Sil, presumably one of them is your husband's sibling? Would it be better to talk to him so he can broach it? Or do you have a closer relationship with SiL?

If you can't face sitting SiL down to tell her because it will require admitting you were looking (and I can see that not going down well), you could try an anonymous letter with a pointer to the register, or a print out of the entry. That's a bit of crappy way to do it though and leaves her really unsupported. It would be better to admit to looking while bored not really expecting to find anything and now feeling a chagrined(? perhaps?). Letting her know you're sorry and won't mention it to anyone if she's trying to keep it a secret but having found out, since she hadn't mentioned it, didn't feel you could sleep well without be sure she wasn't in the dark. And offer her support if she needs it.

thecognoscenti · 02/09/2021 22:24

@FizzyLizzie

OP, I think you’ve got a hell of a cheek saying “oh the hysteria”. It’s NONE of your business. If you worked in a hospital or healthcare setting, would you look up family and friends there too?
Do you understand the difference between confidential medical details and public information?
jimmyhill · 02/09/2021 22:24

This is a great thread for showing that people haven't a clue what "data protection" is or means

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 02/09/2021 22:26

@PoppyWoods I missed the post about secret gambling debts. That's a massive great red flag. I think that makes it far less likely SIL knows tbh.

HeartsAndClubs · 02/09/2021 22:27

@ thecognoscenti I suspect that many of the posters here have been in debt etc which they didn’t want their partners to know about. Or feel that it could so easily happen to anyone, whereas most people here seem to think that affairs are black and white and somehow an affair to some on here is like admitting to murdering puppies or kittens.

Tyredofallthis1 · 02/09/2021 22:28

Sorry to ask, but which is YABU and which is YANBU? I get confused.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 02/09/2021 22:29

The thing is, the OP didn't ask for or require opinions on the morality or legality of checking the register. Presumably she knows her workplace policies better than anyone else on this thread.

She asked fir opinions on what to do with the information now the genie is out of the bottle.

Chloemol · 02/09/2021 22:30

@justfuckoffthelottayer

Here you go, search away

www.gov.uk/search-bankruptcy-insolvency-register

And for everyone else it’s a public register that anyone can search, no data protection or GDPR rules broken

FinallyFluid · 02/09/2021 22:30

@SummaLuvin

What if she accuses me of snooping and interfering?

well...you were snooping

This.
ericaandfamily · 02/09/2021 22:30

Do you know how much impact it can have mentally to become bankrupt? Not just financially.

You sound like a nasty piece of work on your replies, keep your nose out of others business.

HeartsAndClubs · 02/09/2021 22:31

I wonder whether the outrage here is partly because people didn’t realise this information was public knowledge, and now there will be a lot of people wondering what else is public knowledge and could be stumbled across by anyone.

And I would bet money that some of the morally outraged have clicked on that link and have searched for someone…

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 02/09/2021 22:33

@ericaandfamily

Do you know how much impact it can have mentally to become bankrupt? Not just financially.

You sound like a nasty piece of work on your replies, keep your nose out of others business.

Or how much impact secret debts have on a family ? Just go and ask this lady this evening www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4338778-the-last-2-years-of-my-life-have-been-a-lie?pg=2
Delphigirl · 02/09/2021 22:33

Daphne why even comment if you don’t understand what you are saying? If he is a sole trader then that would be a personal bankruptcy. There is no “business” to go bankrupt if he is not incorporated.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 02/09/2021 22:34

Lots of people missing the point here.

If you looked them up in your own time, used your computer or a public one, eg in the library,, you're probably ok. Morally very dodgy, but in the clear probably re work.

If you did it in works time using work facilities, data bases, etc you are in deep doo doo. You've also demonstrated a massively unprofessional attitude, which will cause problems in your future career.

Batshitkerazy · 02/09/2021 22:36

@HeartsAndClubs

I wonder how many of the people expressing their outrage here would tel someone or would want to know if the same BIL was having an affair.

Because to my mind your partner being declared bankrupt potentially without your knowledge is far, far worse.

And moral outrage here aside, if your partner had been declared bankrupt without your knowledge, wouldn’t you want to know?

Bankruptcy has huge, huge ramifications. If she doesn’t know and they are married, she is suddenly liable for half their debts. They could lose their home, he will no longer be allowed to have access to a debit card other than to withdraw cash, the list goes on.

What if she is a SAHM and he deals with all the finances and she has no idea about any of them?

What if they don’t have a joint account so she only looks at what money is in her own account?

Clearly in order for him to have been declared bankrupt he is in significant debt already, and there’s a real chance she didn’t know about that either.

People here need to get down off their bloody high horses and think about the fact that a family could lose everything before they even know about it.

No, the OP shouldn’t have found out in the way she did, but now that she has, do people really think that the SIL shouldn’t be made aware in case she doesn’t know?

And again, if this was an affair, the majority of people here would say that they would want to know and that the person who knew had no right to keep the information to themselves.

So why not this?

This is actually quite a good point. If OP had snooped on his phone and found evidence of an affair, would you all be saying it’s none of your business, keep out?
Catlover77 · 02/09/2021 22:37

@MyBadHabitsLeadToYou

you may find yourself with a severe sanction at a disciplinary hearing

I would very much like to hear your reasoning here, catlover

On what grounds would she face such a serious disciplinary sanction? Smile

For conducting activities in work time that do not fall within her role duties ie snooping on people she knows rather than completing the searches she is supposed to be doing. For showing herself to be untrustworthy and her employer may deem it to be a breach of trust and confidence.
MyBadHabitsLeadToYou · 02/09/2021 22:37

scream

It really is the thread that keeps on giving.

I can guarantee you that no employer is giving a fuck.

minionsrule · 02/09/2021 22:37

I will put aside my judgement about the awful snooping for a moment.
If you are concerned your SIL might not know about this (no one here can tell you if she does or not) then why don't you confess what you have found to your BIL? Its public information after all isn't it, no shame in how you found it eh?
Maybe if your SIL doesn't know this will force his hand without her being mortified by you telling her

MyBadHabitsLeadToYou · 02/09/2021 22:38

Well no more of a fuck than they would if she had looked someone up on Facebook or whatever

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 02/09/2021 22:38

@Delphigirl

Daphne why even comment if you don’t understand what you are saying? If he is a sole trader then that would be a personal bankruptcy. There is no “business” to go bankrupt if he is not incorporated.
That's not what I meant. I meant there is a difference between personal bankruptcy as a sole trader in a business that failed to personal bankruptcy due to pissing your money up the wall.

Mainly if he was a sole trader that went bust and had to declare himself bankrupt due to that his wife is more likely to know than if it secret personal debts he was unable to service and declared himself bankrupt to avoid paying them.

Clearly I did not make that clear enough

HeartsAndClubs · 02/09/2021 22:39

Daphne why even comment if you don’t understand what you are saying? If he is a sole trader then that would be a personal bankruptcy. There is no “business” to go bankrupt if he is not incorporated. and you know that do you? Never mind that he’s a gambling addict and has already racked up gambling debts which in itself will have had an impact on the family.

And if he’s a sole trader and his business has gone bankrupt there’s still every chance the SIL doesn’t know that he’s now out of work and they don’t have any money.

I can just imagine the responses if someone posted here that they’d found out their husband had been made bankrupt several months ago, and that not only that, but their SIL knew and never told them. I highly doubt that the responses would have been to side with the SIL.

idontlikealdi · 02/09/2021 22:40

She knows.

HairyToity · 02/09/2021 22:40

I'd keep out of it. She may well know. These things have a tendency to get out. One of the dads at school has gone bankrupt, and many of us know, we just don't discuss it. Especially around him or his wife!