Meeting for breakfast - Which of us is being unreasonable.

[Dandy008]

Im meeting a friend in a few weeks time who lives in a different part of the country to me.

We’ve arranged to have a day out.
It will be her and her husband, myself, my husband and our 18month old son.

As they live some distance, we have decided to book a hotel and stay over night.

My friend has asked me to book a hotel right by her house so that it’s less distance for her to travel to meet us the next day for breakfast.

I’ve agreed to this, even though we could get a cheaper hotel a bit further away.

We were chatting and she said she would come and meet us for breakfast at 10.30am

I explained that DS wakes around 6.30 and is ready for his breakfast at 7am.
I could probably distract him and at a big push take him down for breakfast at 8am

I also explained that it’s a 2 hour drive back home so Ideally we wanted to head home after an early breakfast.
There’s not much for DS to do in the hotel so once we’ve eaten it makes sense to leave.

She told me that 8am is too early for her and her husband (they don’t have kids) and that the best she can do is 10am.

I’ve suggested then that we skip breakfast and I will book a cheaper hotel a bit further away.

She’s since sent me a text telling me I’m being difficult and that my DS will be fine waiting for his breakfast until 10.30am for just one day.

I’m tempted to message back and say her and her husband will be fine having breakfast at 8am for just one day… 🙄

What time is check out at the cattery? I can't believe it would be until some point in the afternoon. Needing to get back for the cattery sounds like an excuse to me tbh.

I think youre friend is being rude-telling you where to stay so its more convinient for her then tellin you what time to feed your child

and i dont even have kids

So many people have still not RTFT.
OP, you’re not being unreasonable. You’ve got to factor in needs of kids (and cats) before someone else’s conveniences.

She told you 8am is too early for her & her husband, tell her 10am is too late for you & your DH. Have breakfast early, pack & go.

Could you pick up some croissants/cereal box/fruit and give your little one a pre breakfast? I kind of see your friend's point about 10am being a reasonable time for a meet up although calling you difficult is rude. However, I totally understand your perspective - we're going on hols next week and bringing my DM, I've told her if she wants to join us for breakfast I can maybe push my toddlers to 7am but they get hangry quickly!

OK I missed the other 19 pages, do what suits you OP!

Just go to the safari in the group and stay at your original choice hotel, forget breakfast!

I would not meet her on the Sunday. If you are seeing her Saturday just say that 10.30 is too late for breakfast as you want to get straight off so will just see them Saturday. Have your breakfast as normal then leave for home.

This would tick me off as it seems like she wants you to make all the compromises to accommodate her when in fact you are the one travelling with a very young child. She is not having to make any effort at all.

Sounds like you’re both in very different places. I couldn’t be bothered with this kind of drama if I had a toddler. Just do what suits you and means you have a nice weekend and if she wants to join then fine and if not, also fine.

@Dandy008 -

"I’m tempted to message back and say her and her husband will be fine having breakfast at 8am for just one day… 🙄"

Definitely say this

@Cottagepieandpeas

‘ Does a hotel stay have to be justified?’

Heck no 😁 but that’s why OP said she was staying over and then leaving straight after breakfast.

Everyone has this when they're the first of a friendship group to have children. Before having dc if you're not around them much you have zero concept or what it involves. Sadly I'm ashamed to say that I made some stupid demands on friends with kids when I didnt have them myself. Roll forward in time and other childless friends were the same with us. Couldn't understand why we wouldn't go clubbing or away for a weekend on a whim and so on. Friend feels you are chosing your child over her which of course you are. But she won't understand why until she has her own child. Right now she's annoyed that things are different. Most of us have been there on either or both sides.
In this circumstance I think just be firm and explain that your child can't do this plan. I wish we'd done this more instead of trying to please childless friends and it all being a nightmare for everyone. My DC are nearly teens and won't wait until 10 even now. Its not going to be a relaxing breakfast with a toddler anyway. Your day totally shifts. Likely they're expecting big night out too and that's not likely either without a babysitter and you'll have to be up early with your LO. Sadly you may find your friendship cools until they're in similar position. It is hard to keep friendships with childless friends when your dc are little as few shared opportunities without mega planning and rarely carefree as one of you can just please themselves and the other is checking babysitters or got to be up early and so on. This is why sometimes people end up just hanging out with family or friends with similar aged children.

I don't understand why so many posters think you should move heaven and earth massively prioritise having breakfast with your friend when you don't really want to, it doesn't suit you, it doesn't suit your DS, you want to get on the road early, you want to be home to get your cat.

Surely your friend saying 'let's do breakfast' was - to paraphrase an MN staple - a suggestion, not a summons. You don't have to meet for breakfast so don't.

From reading this, this is not a meet up you’ve planned together.

You had plans for the safari park, hotel and breakfast. She’s decided to tag along but is making you change plans to suit her.

Has she already booked her tickets? If not, I’d be saying you’ll do your own thing this time but then plan a proper meet up another time, maybe On Your own. If it doesn’t happen for a while doesn’t sound like a big loss the way she’s acting.

Those saying your life doesn’t revolve around children, it’s true it doesn’t and you can compromise but these were your plans she’s shoehorned herself into and wants you to change plans without compromising.

We had to miss out on things when dc were small because they just didn’t fit. We also made big compromises with dc for things that were important. If she was willing to also compromise then you probably could too but it should go both ways.

No one is BU. It is just a mismatch of expectations of what 'meeting for breakfast' looks like to parents of young children and then a child free couple.

To you, breakfast is 8am and then heading off sharpish to be home two hours later.

To them, breakfast - especially on a Sunday morning - is mid-morning, not rushed and what will they do with the rest of the day if they meet earlier than that?

You've just grown apart. You think they're being selfish by not getting up early and meeting you at 8. They think you're being selfish expecting them to get up bonkers early on a sunday.

The day out on Saturday does rather seem to be geared towards your family. I can't imagine they're very fussed about a safari park. Yet they are doing it, and paying to do so, to facilitate this friendship and meet up so they can't be too awful. It's just time to let the friendship drift.

I'm with you OP. I completely understand what you're saying and I wouldn't be driving 30 mins in the wrong direction to have breakfast with a friend who has not budged an inch to accommodate you.

The day out on Saturday does rather seem to be geared towards your family. I can't imagine they're very fussed about a safari park. Yet they are doing it, and paying to do so, to facilitate this friendship and meet up so they can't be too awful. It's just time to let the friendship drift.

@fourminutestosavetheworld The saturday is exactly that - geared to OP's family. Because she booked it for her family.

Friend then heard about the day & asked to join them.
Nobody asked her to make any sacrifices - the friend likes safari parks & wanted to come.

I'm also really surprised that when a child-free couple suggested meeting for breakfast on Sunday morning, you assumed they knew that meant an early start. To me, it was always going to be more of a mid-morning brunch.

Honestly OP you must be so frustrated when people don’t read the full thread!

You are not being unreasonable at all. Too many parents trying to act ‘cool’ and fit what they want to do around the children. Some children may just fit in to whatever plans you have but most toddlers do not. You will be the one dealing with a 6am wake up, entertaining for 4 hours, then driving back and dealing with a energetic toddler who has been in a car for 2 hours! Stick to your guns.

If your friend was willing to meet you half way then you could put up with some inconvenience but she isn’t so do whatever is easiest for you all x

"Friend then heard about the day & asked to join them.
Nobody asked her to make any sacrifices - the friend likes safari parks & wanted to come."

Well she lives half an hour from the safari park and could go anytime. I assumed the honest attraction was op and maintaining the friendship.

I'd just tell her that 10am is too late and you'll go the other hotel and get a head start on travelling home. If she doesn't understand that life with children doesn't really allow for lie ins, especially in strange hotels, then she needs to learn!

"If she doesn't understand that life with children doesn't really allow for lie ins, especially in strange hotels, then she needs to learn!"

Not really. This will probably be the last breakfast they make with each other for a long time.

@Tiana4

whatbigfeet Because most toddlers and young DCs wake up early at 5-6am

If you have young DCs and they lay in bed til 9.30am, I'd suggest you have very unusual DCs or that you let them stay up ridiculously late for bed. All of my DCs naturally woke up at 5 am every morning until they started school!

Once they hit teens fair enough a 10am breakfast on a Sunday will be too early. I suspect a midday one is too

I prefer my kids to to stay up late rather than get up early!

As long as they don't have school etc, and they get enough sleep, it doesn't matter to anyone apart from ourselves what time we put them to bed.

We get home from work quite late so want to be able to spend time with them.

Once they are at school then that's a different matter!

@fourminutestosavetheworld

"If she doesn't understand that life with children doesn't really allow for lie ins, especially in strange hotels, then she needs to learn!"

Not really. This will probably be the last breakfast they make with each other for a long time.

I don't think I've ever met a friend for breakfast, and if they've spent the whole day before together, I don't think missing breakfast is a big deal - particularly when she'll be busy sorting out her child!

It's possible that they have other friends with dc who'd be happy with a later start to the day and just didn't realise. It is possible that neither of you is BU, just a misunderstanding.