Separated 6 years. Realise DH Aspie. Mad to attempt reconciliation?

[16purplecolour16]

We were chatting via text and it was an epiphany that he is definitely on the spectrum. Has ALL the best qualities- loyalty, integrity, hard worker, caring. AND all the qualities that make a relationship with an Aspie challenging and in reality, soul destroying for both parties. Total absence of empathy, sense of superiority to camouflage not being able to comprehend another person’s feelings, OCD, need for solitude, disappearing into imaginary worlds.

I love him dearly but I demonstrated the typical compromised mental health of the NT partner when I left him. I just got ground down by the feeling of indifference and sense that he was constantly slipping away.

YABU that a reconciliation is possible? Because he has drifted away and a close relationship was too much. I would be putting in all the effort and find myself feeling diminished again as consequence. It’s a fantasy. Move on?

YANBU - now I know how to frame personal issues, it is possible to work together to get the best from the situation, Is this even possible?

It sounds like a)you have some outdated ideas about autism and b)he wasn't that great a husband so I'm not sure reconciliation would be great for either of you.

Why though? It doesn’t sound like your relationship would be improved in any way that would make you happier, right? ASD would always be the excuse you would have to silently accept.

It keeps all the onus of being a good husband off his shoulders, and dumps the responsibility of being a perpetually understanding (and lonely) wife onto yours.

Hang on, has he actually been diagnosed? You can't just pin a diagnosis on someone!

Also - even if he is on the spectrum, it doesn't change anything, his behaviour will remain as it always has been.

It doesn’t sound like anything would improve if you went back to him

Do you really want this someone so different , he can learn stuff, and needs to back off being superior .
He needs to want and feel love relative to you.
My ex was prob borderline, and my younger son is, my ex made out I was wrong cos he didn’t feel stuff.
I express I needed affection he claimed I didn’t, cos he didn’t .
Never again

I thought Asperger's/ Aspie was an outdated term?

Waiting for others to come along with better insight. 🍿

Aspie. Rude rude rude

Thank you all for your quick responses. I thought I had written a reasonably balanced account. I am taken aback by the consistent ‘no’. It is a really powerful wake up call. Thank you.

In terms of a diagnosis, there would need to be a ‘co-morbidity’ of depression or anxiety which he would have being in a relationship.

I’m sorry if I have been offensive. I don’t consider non-neuro typical to be a stigma. Is NNT a more inclusive term please?

Asperger's isn't an outdated term, those of us who were diagnosed ages ago have that on our medical files.
People getting diagnosed now will have high functioning autism or something similar.
I prefer Asperger's myself.

You really can’t diagnose him.

You cant just diagnose someone with a neuro developmental disability, maybe he is maybe he isnt but i really hate how these terms are thrown around on here with very little thought.

Even if you are correct - will knowing that make any difference to the reality of being in a relationship with him?

We do have empathy FFS. Stop pedalling this fucking myth.

Your posts highlight your ignorance and ableism and if you need to ask if Nom neurotypical is ok then - on the assumption you are a women - would you happy being referred to as a non-man?

We are people. Stop trying to discuss us as if we are unwanted pets that inconvenience your lives. It is fucking relentless on here.

Your list of traits are just outdated stereotypes...

Even if he is autistic it wouldn't change anything. Your relationship will be exactly as it was before

The no empathy thing is a myth. If anything, they have more and are more sensitive.

@HerRoyalRisesAgain @Scautish - apologies again. I have investigated this.

In that case what is the reasonable response when told ‘I just don’t get it. I struggle to understand people’.

The 'more empathy' claim is a myth too and just part of trying to push the notion that neuro diversity is somehow superior. Zero empathy was always an oversimplification but this isn't an appropriate correction of course!

You're not describing much of a relationship worth salvaging. Autism or not a diagnosis won't change anything about him.

Is the ‘theory of mind’ outdated?

Why is it that you think you deserve to be in a miserable marriage that doesn't meet your needs or fulfill you?

His autism is irrelevant to you. Whether he has it or not, he can't change who he is and can't meet your needs.

Why not just enjoy being single or enjoy dating different men?

I stopped reading at ‘aspie’, it isn’t the 70s.

Op if you couldn't cope with those things before, what makes you think you'll be happy living with them again?