Separated 6 years. Realise DH Aspie. Mad to attempt reconciliation?

[16purplecolour16]

We were chatting via text and it was an epiphany that he is definitely on the spectrum. Has ALL the best qualities- loyalty, integrity, hard worker, caring. AND all the qualities that make a relationship with an Aspie challenging and in reality, soul destroying for both parties. Total absence of empathy, sense of superiority to camouflage not being able to comprehend another person’s feelings, OCD, need for solitude, disappearing into imaginary worlds.

I love him dearly but I demonstrated the typical compromised mental health of the NT partner when I left him. I just got ground down by the feeling of indifference and sense that he was constantly slipping away.

YABU that a reconciliation is possible? Because he has drifted away and a close relationship was too much. I would be putting in all the effort and find myself feeling diminished again as consequence. It’s a fantasy. Move on?

YANBU - now I know how to frame personal issues, it is possible to work together to get the best from the situation, Is this even possible?

[quote Daftasabroom]@NotPersephone who is SBC?[/quote]
Simon Baron-Cohen, well known researcher in the field. Cousin of Sacha Baron-Cohen, incidentally!

I’m ASD and struggle to change my behaviours. If you didn’t enjoy a relationship with me in the past then I can’t see why you’d want one now? I am me and the annoying stuff is as hard coded into me as the good stuff!

“Instead of starting this thread, why not start a thread that begins ‘starting over post-50’. Some would envy you”. Thank you for that positive thought. Shall take the advice.

But last of all, I do love my STBXH very much and it is a real big shame that we couldn’t meet each other’s needs.

And the votes tell it all - a resounding NO!

My friend put up with her shitty husband for decades. He finally got a diagnosis, then she left him. It was like she suddenly realised that, diagnosis or not, she actually didn't have to live like that. And on his part, his diagnosis gave him carte blanche to further opt out of family life as his need for quiet solitude suddenly was medically endorsed.

So yes I think you'd be mad. What would be better or different? Never go back OP.

I knew you would get a kicking but you were just trying to work things out in your head. I have 2 dc with ASD. It doesn't stop them also being naughty/annoying/rude etc... but they are generally loving and anxious. Autism doesn't define you. He may well be autistic but that doesn't mean he isn't an arse..

@NotPersephone

People getting diagnosed now will have high functioning autism or something similar.

They won't. They will only be "autistic". Not saying I agree, but there are plenty of autistic advocates who will happily tear you a new one for saying HFA or Aspie (or any other variation).

OP - you have a massively simplistic view of autistic behaviours and I find your OP pretty ablist for that reason. You are not in a position to diagnose anyone, much less attribute behaviours to pseudo-science that you have basically made up in your head.

Really? My eldest brother is severely autistic and I don't see myself as the same as him, so I keep the old diagnosis. I don't follow the autism community to be fair. They had a go at me once about my brother, saying he hits himself in the face because we don't understand him, or something similar. They have no idea what it's like.

I gave you a hard time OP but I can see you were not coming from (the MN usual) position of denigrating autistic people by assuming all negative traits mean Asperger’s.

But I agree with the majority that you shouldn’t go back. Best wishes.

@notpersephone
Yeah, my brother is the same. He's 42 now and can't even wipe his own bum. We just need to "empower" him apparently 🙄

@ofwarren

I hate the concept of “autism community”. I think it’s used to polarise (esp when it comes to autism mums vs autistic adults without learning difficulties). The “community” is massively nuanced. None of them speak for me and I can’t speak for them. I do have an autistic friend however and it’s quite nice chatting to her and sharing “why do neurotypicals do that?” Stories :-)

But the idea of an “autism community” is bollocks. And I won’t share my thoughts here about the self-diagnosed “autism is my superpower” collective . I have absolutely duck all in common with them.

@Didiplanthis @Scautish

@NotPersephone - this I understand.

I find it really sad the frequency with which women with abusive partners start threads on here declaring that they have "diagnosed" him with autism to excuse all his behaviour and would like tips on how to endure it.

It's understandable to want to go back and try and "fix" the reason you're grieving the life you expected to have, but you can't resurrect the dead.

Thank goodness you have put this idea away. Take care of yourself.

@legoriakelne

The problem is there is a long running thread in relationships which is full partners discussing their abusive partners and putting it all down to (self diagnosed) autism.

I have questioned MN on several occasions why it is fair that such despicable and ableist threads exist and apparently it’s a support thread and that’s all that matters. I’m totally in favour of abused spouses getting support, I also know that autistic people can be abusive (as can neurotypicals) but it’s simply not fair to autistic people that these threads exists purportedly representing how awful we are to be in a relationship with.

There will be no progress made until MN realise how deeply ableist these threads are - but until then the inaccurate stereotype will continue to be used in “is my DH autistic?” Threads.

[quote ofwarren]@notpersephone
Yeah, my brother is the same. He's 42 now and can't even wipe his own bum. We just need to "empower" him apparently 🙄 [/quote]
I hear you my eleven year old is just out of pull ups but we still having, smearing , accidents etc all the joys of classic, severe autism, call it what you want, how the hell can you empower someone who doesn't understand the concept?

@Scautish

Agree. I have that thread hidden as otherwise I would just cry. I think part of the problem is that in general most people in our society can't recognise abuse - they're looking for monsters, nasty "abusive" words and physical violence so they can't recognise that these posters are describing abuse (and some don't want to recognise it because then they'd have to face up to things in their own life).

You're right though. The willingness of totally unqualified people to "diagnose" other people with autism (or the other favourite "BPD") to explain away terrible behaviour is inherently prejudiced.

One of the most dangerous things I see on this site on a regular basis is threads of people telling someone who is being abused that it's normal/their fault/otherwise excusing or minimising it, or encouraging someone to stay with an abuser and "work at it".

But it sounds like he made you miserable. Why would you want that life back?

So you suddenly decided that because he has no empathy and a superiority complex, he must be an "aspie" and now you want to get back together so so can "fix" him?

Wow.

OP, I found it hard to feel much sympathy for your plight after you wrote "...all the qualities that make a relationship with an Aspie challenging and in reality, soul destroying for both parties".
Just because you had a crappy relationship with someone you've decided has Autism does not mean that relationships with people who have this diagnosis are problematic.
Sweeping generalisations regarding disabilities are offensive and ignorant.
I don't really see the point of your post, but the world would be a better place if people educated themselves.
🙄

I was diagnosed as having Asperger's last year. I am 50 so maybe they thought it appropriate. So Asperger's isn't so old. Why not try seeing how you get on if you let the relationship develop. People with autism have benefits as well as disadvantages.

@Scautish “ full partners discussing their abusive partners and putting it all down to (self diagnosed) autism.” I am sorry that I have unwittingly created a thread in the same negative tone.

What I do know that some of the approaches that support ASD type thinking will support an improved relationship with my husband. The variety of approaches don’t come easily to me because they feel too regulated and difficult to get the balance between kindness and patronising.

In hindsight, and thank you to all for the contributions, the statement should have been ‘my DH really struggles with particular things like sudden changes in plans, etc.’ What works for you but doesn’t leave you feeling compromised. Otherwise I will have to walk away from this relationship when there is much possibility for something good.

I should also add, I need also to make adjustments myself, it’s not simply my husband.

And the numbers don’t lie when I see the poll.

Otherwise I will have to walk away from this relationship when there is much possibility for something good.

You do have to walk away from a relationship that already damaged your mental health. Your partner may have a good side but you have experienced the damage done by his bad side. Believing he has autism (whether he does or not) will not change that and it will not lessen the damage in future. It will not make the relationship any less frustrating or destroying for you, you will just feel guilty and blame yourself for not finding the right "approach". If you have a mental health practitioner you should talk to them about why you are considering this and why you can't move on.