Separated 6 years. Realise DH Aspie. Mad to attempt reconciliation?

[16purplecolour16]

We were chatting via text and it was an epiphany that he is definitely on the spectrum. Has ALL the best qualities- loyalty, integrity, hard worker, caring. AND all the qualities that make a relationship with an Aspie challenging and in reality, soul destroying for both parties. Total absence of empathy, sense of superiority to camouflage not being able to comprehend another person’s feelings, OCD, need for solitude, disappearing into imaginary worlds.

I love him dearly but I demonstrated the typical compromised mental health of the NT partner when I left him. I just got ground down by the feeling of indifference and sense that he was constantly slipping away.

YABU that a reconciliation is possible? Because he has drifted away and a close relationship was too much. I would be putting in all the effort and find myself feeling diminished again as consequence. It’s a fantasy. Move on?

YANBU - now I know how to frame personal issues, it is possible to work together to get the best from the situation, Is this even possible?

The subject is fast moving. I thought I was being sensitive and attempting to inform myself as best I could. Clearly simply naive. Prefer to know.

@CoRhona If I couldn’t cope before what makes me think it could be better? Know better. Do better.

Everything that made each of you unhappy in the first place will still be there, OP. You also run the risk of rejection which will make you feel horrible about yourself.

Is there something about him that made you feel safe and that's why you hanker after the past?

But you don't know better. You're guessing based on outdated stereotypes and misinformation.

Op but changes or dealing with the issues will all be on you.

Honestly, is this because your life since separation hasn't turned out the way you expected? If you really miss him and feel you've made a mistake then maybe but if it's not him you're missing but your lifestyle etc then I truly wouldn't bother.

My reason for considering the possibility is that the separation has separated the family too. I had children in my late thirties so they are late teenagers but I am late 50s. Now don’t flame me for my honesty, I am trying to make sense of the situation, I have no interest in another relationship but feel there is hope if we were both to see how both our ways of thinking needs to adjust. I am feeling very adrift, not lonely but adrift.

@NotPersephone - appreciate you being forthright

@CoRhona - knew it would be hard. Guess I hoped for a spark of hope.

A total absence of empathy and a feeling he's superior to you OP.......those could be traits of narcissism. How can he be caring if he has a complete absence of empathy? I wouldn't tie yourself up in knots over the correct terminology, there will always be someone who is determined to be offended and there will always be someone who knows more than you. In my experience people with aspergers can have empathy particularly in things they've experienced themselves although they can struggle with how to express it. I find BC smug and dislikeable personally, guy gives me the creeps.

You make it sound though like you're going to have to do all the changing and accommodating? Apart from this epiphany what is he bringing to this relationship to make it different from before? If you're considering it, I'd take it very, very slowly.

I think what would help is to mentally free yourself from this man. Try to make new friends and don't focus on him and his problems. Plan your life based on you and what you want now. You could always start a new thread on starting again in your fifties - there are tons of women here who can identify with that and a lot who would be jealous, too.

If you think it is worth giving it another try, and you aren't just trying to fix things for your kids, then go on a few dates with your ex. See how the reality of him feels and check that it isn't just nostalgia or loneliness driving you.

Nero typical a very odd statement, I have mild bi polar and know the ‘typical’ stuff it describes some of who I am. But does not define all of me
What ever title you give your ex, he has Asperger traits and are all different .
Maybe a cat or dog, and cats can be very loving and yet allow freedom on both sides , often loyal.
Through no choice been on my own 20 years, a cat my dearest tabby far easier.
As I say jokingly I know what she is bringing home, and often know where she is!
I hope you have great friends too

@16purplecolour16

My reason for considering the possibility is that the separation has separated the family too. I had children in my late thirties so they are late teenagers but I am late 50s. Now don’t flame me for my honesty, I am trying to make sense of the situation, I have no interest in another relationship but feel there is hope if we were both to see how both our ways of thinking needs to adjust. I am feeling very adrift, not lonely but adrift.

Does he see that his way of thinking also needs to adjust though? And even if he does is he actually able to change his behaviour? Or is he just a narc trying to manipulate his way back in who will then use his non diagnosis as an excuse for every shitty thing he does? Please be careful OP.

I was just coming along to say it sounds more like narcissism to me OP, I see a pp has mentioned it already.

Tbh whether he has autism or not really doesn't matter. If he's not willing to fix the things that made him an unsuitable partner before, why are you trying again? Why are you slapping a label on him - is that label going to make you any less dissatisfied in the relationship or is it going to make you feel like you have to excuse his behaviour?

Tbh a lot of so called advocates and activists are self diagnosed, and claim to be autistic more for woke clout or in order to use their supposed neurodiversity to manipulate their partners or the system. I do not mean genuine autistic people at all, but a fair few who claim to be on extremely weak grounds and who have often been told by multiple professionals that they are NOT autistic!

So I think it's fine to judge for oneself and not feel too hemmed in by the stance of 'advocates'.

[quote 16purplecolour16]**@HerRoyalRisesAgain* @Scautish* - apologies again. I have investigated this.

In that case what is the reasonable response when told ‘I just don’t get it. I struggle to understand people’.[/quote]
He doesn't get people. Doesn't make him autistic.

He just sounds like a dick head
Why would you want to get back together with a dickhead

I stopped reading when you said absence of empathy. That's bollix. Does he want an assessment?

Yeah, I think your take on it is completely understandable, @NotPersephone ! Sorry if I came off as arguing against or invalidating that - I agree with basically 100% of what you said in your latest comment. I think SBC's take was really quite frustrating and offensive (speaking as someone who knows him a little bit, too, and never had a negative experience with him personally).

And to all. Thank you for the healthy dose of reality. My apologies for being poorly informed. My thanks that I am better informed. A way forward that is: I’m too concerned with his behaviour. I’m trying to fix things maybe for not really the most ethical reasons.