Separated 6 years. Realise DH Aspie. Mad to attempt reconciliation?

[16purplecolour16]

We were chatting via text and it was an epiphany that he is definitely on the spectrum. Has ALL the best qualities- loyalty, integrity, hard worker, caring. AND all the qualities that make a relationship with an Aspie challenging and in reality, soul destroying for both parties. Total absence of empathy, sense of superiority to camouflage not being able to comprehend another person’s feelings, OCD, need for solitude, disappearing into imaginary worlds.

I love him dearly but I demonstrated the typical compromised mental health of the NT partner when I left him. I just got ground down by the feeling of indifference and sense that he was constantly slipping away.

YABU that a reconciliation is possible? Because he has drifted away and a close relationship was too much. I would be putting in all the effort and find myself feeling diminished again as consequence. It’s a fantasy. Move on?

YANBU - now I know how to frame personal issues, it is possible to work together to get the best from the situation, Is this even possible?

When there is nothing to fix. Separating has fixed the original problem.

I find this thread really uncomfortable tbh. My husband and son both have an autism diagnosis and I don’t recognise at all your description of your husband. It is 100% possible to have a good and supportive marriage with someone with a diagnosis of autism. Which it’s not clear from your post that your husband actually has. You can’t just pin a diagnosis on someone to explain away a bad marriage. And are you suggesting that everyone with autism can’t possibly have a relationship without having anxiety or depression? Truly bizarre.

Are you trying to avoid looking like the bad guy for try separation if he is not NT?

There are other conditions that include lack of empathy eg socipath, narcissist. The professionals who do the diagnosing will have been to university for many years so I'm sure it's not as simple as us lay people think - not to mention that people frequently have more than one condition. If he wants an assessment then best consult with yeh experts but if this is an acrimonious divorce then he might assume that your concern is just spite so it's unlikely to go down well.

Unless he accepts his flaws, wants to change and works on them then you'd be going back to the same old relationship. One person can't do all the changing to fix things. In your shoes I'd detach from his feelings and actions and reflect on your behaviour , work on your weaknesses and heal so that you are strong for your future.

@NotPersephone

But you don't know better. You're guessing based on outdated stereotypes and misinformation.

Exactly this. And if you think knowing that a person has a diagnosis makes their behaviour somehow easier to cope with (even taking into account the rather massive and wrong assumptions and generalizations in your OP) then you are in for a shock. If I hadn’t birthed my severely autistic DS, there is not a snowflake’s chance in hell I’d choose to live with his challenging behaviours.

Well said!

Please don't be offensive and ableist about autistic people. Many of us are in successful relationships, aren't arseholes and have lots of empathy.

Just stop with the armchair diagnoses.

Move on! Irrelevant if he has Autism or not, he makes you miserable, I have no idea why you would even contemplate it.

The only aspect of a relationship a diagnosis can change is how you interpret and react to him. I'll go against the grain here: one of my guides has recently been diagnosed as asperger and it has transformed how I relate to her and deal with her. HOWEVER she is someone I see every other week for 2.5 hrs.

As for how to deal with I dont get it, you have to explain it.

@Hemingwaycat

I stopped reading at ‘aspie’, it isn’t the 70s.

Same here. OP your terminology shows a complete lack of respect for your ex. Any possible future relationship is doomed on that basis alone.

An Aspie? I’m struggling to find the words to convey just how distasteful and dismissive of a person that is, and how offensive that wording is. A person has autism or they have aspergers. It is not their identity, it is not their nationality, their religion, or their gender. It is a condition that they have, it is not who they are.

Before you criticise or denigrate another person again I think you need to go away and examine your own thought processes and prejudices. They aren’t as perfect and wholesome as you think they are.

A person has autism or they have aspergers. It is not their identity, it is not their nationality, their religion, or their gender. It is a condition that they have, it is not who they are.

To be fair this is all individual. I have autism. I refer to myself as autistic, so do most of the other women I know with autism.
Others prefer "has autism" and others with an aspergers diagnosis prefer aspie.

Yes, YABU. He is the same person he was before he was diagnosed. You said having a relationship with him was "soul destroying". Your own words. A diagnosis does not change that. Move on, let him move on.

Oh hang on, you mean he hasn't been diagnosed? Autism is just an idea you suddenly had? Then you are being very foolish. You need to make a positive effort to consign the relationship to the past, stop fantasising, and move on.

The no empathy thing is a myth. If anything, they have more and are more sensitive.

It is not a myth but it is an over-simplification. Some people with autism are a lot more sensitive, some are a lot less. Some are over-sensitive and can't react in an ordinary empathetic way because they are overwhelmed. Empathy isn't a simple thing it is a complex process that can go wrong at a lot of different points in a lot of different ways. Too much can be as damaging to everyday relationships as too little.

Are you sure that you aren't on the autism spectrum yourself? This level of social and emotional naivete in a 50 year old is unusual. So is the inability to let go of an old relationship even one that was over years ago and that you described yourself as "soul destroying". Your family was broken up six years ago, can you not see how damaging it could be to your children to try to revive it now?

It's pretty offensive that you now want him back only now you've deemed him to have a label and you want to play the doting wife. What next - spouse support groups? Lengthy social media posts about how it's all about you?

Do you even hear yourself? "I thought he was an arse but now I think he might be neurodiverse, which is very fashionable, so I should take him back and post about my solidarity"?

@NotPersephone

People getting diagnosed now will have high functioning autism or something similar.

They won't. They will only be "autistic". Not saying I agree, but there are plenty of autistic advocates who will happily tear you a new one for saying HFA or Aspie (or any other variation).

OP - you have a massively simplistic view of autistic behaviours and I find your OP pretty ablist for that reason. You are not in a position to diagnose anyone, much less attribute behaviours to pseudo-science that you have basically made up in your head.

You need to tell the people giving out official diagnoses then because I’ve seen that label being given out by medical professionals diagnosing autistic people. Plenty of autistic advocates disagree with the term but unfortunately it’s still being handed out as an official diagnosis label to replace Aspergers.

An Aspie? I’m struggling to find the words to convey just how distasteful and dismissive of a person that is, and how offensive that wording is

It's not offensive to everybody. My diagnosed DH and DS commonly refer to themselves as aspies.

His behaviour won’t have changed just because you think he’s autistic. He’ll do all the same things except now you’ll excuse him.

We always think of my son like this - his autism explains his behaviour. It doesn’t excuse it. So we and he need to work extra hard to make sure he is able to behave appropriately. We don’t just tolerate bad behaviour because he is autistic. Of course he is different in some respects but I would expect other children to allow him to behave poorly to them and accept it. The problem here is not his possible autism but his behaviour.

I would NOT expect other children to do that! Of course.

It takes years for professionals to diagnose autism, you're just trying to find a reason why he was such a crap husband other than he's a dick.

[quote NotPersephone]@BigThumb I know, but it’s no longer in the DSM and autism/Asperger’s has been merged in the current ICD apparently. So I suppose technically they shouldn’t be.

Equally many people diagnosed under the “old” criteria prefer the older terms.

It hasn’t clarified anything tbf.[/quote]
Sorry, I meant “high functioning autism” is the label I’ve seen being given out to replace aspergers by people diagnosing.

Sorry, I meant “high functioning autism” is the label I’ve seen being given out to replace aspergers by people diagnosing.

When I was diagnosed in 2018 it was autism level 1.

A person has autism or they have aspergers. It is not their identity, it is not their nationality, their religion, or their gender. It is a condition that they have, it is not who they are.

And I've also seen it said that it should be autistic, that autism is a huge part of what that person is. You wouldn't say a person with homosexuality, you'd say a gay person. That doesn't mean being gay is the start and end of their purpose in life. This point was being made by autistic people themselves.

There's no right answer on it as far as I can see. Let people call themselves what they like.

@NotPersephone who is SBC?

He sounds like he just never was bothered about whether or not you were happy in the relationship.

Regardless of what diagnoses someone has or hasn't got, you deserve a partner who does care if you're happy or not

“ We were chatting via text and it was an epiphany that he is definitely on the spectrum.” Absolutely not for me to make that statement.”

“What would change if this were the case?” I would be less frustrated and more understanding. More considerate.

“Has ALL the best qualities- loyalty, integrity, hard worker, caring.” He is not a dick.

My question would have been framed as “does my DH …” However, now that is not the issue.

I am trying to make sense of the situation. I find the advantage of asking the question is I find I am a twit and need to sort myself out.

“

As a parent of two diagnosed autistic kids, very possibly on the spectrum myself and in hindsight so is mum. I have to say that autistic people are just like all other humans and some humans are arseholes.

Asd and being a arsehole isnt mutual exclusive. It's not a reason to put arsehole tendencies aside if that hurts you.

My mum is a arsehole. I am sure someone could name why but what does it matter at the end of the day. She makes me miserable.

Also my son was diagnosed with ASD as that was it was called back then. He was non verbal. My daughter is right on the cut off but it's not hfa. It's just autism on her paperwork. I can not get offended about what it was called at the point of another persons diagnosis. That's up to the person with that diagnosis to take offence to not me.

Basically you dont get on well as a married couple. Everything else is irrelevant really.