To not want a child I haven't met at my wedding?

[strawberrydonuts]

For our wedding next April we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment.

However, my cousin has a relatively new boyfriend who I haven't met and he has a daughter around 8 or 9 who I also haven't met. Apparently the girl has ADHD and is not very well behaved. I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year!)

I sent her an invite for Cousin +1 but she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum. She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

I can see why you don’t want to, but if this is a serious relationship they are both going to be her family. Are you inviting other cousins kids? If so, then you need to include this one.

What that shows is the family have been gossiping about how naughty this child is, the OP hasn’t even met her but has been privvy to conversations about her. Hardly shows her or the family in a good light does it

Honestly? It entirely depends what's been said, of course, but no I don't think it paints them in a remotely negative light that they've acknowledged her behaviour is difficult. That should be a pretty standard conversation when it is the case.

@Blossomtoes

If it’s a child friendly wedding, does one more really make any difference?

And how many "one more"s would there be? If others find out that OPs cousins boyfriends child is coming, what happens if that leads to more and more requests from others? Who will be very put out that OP bent the rules for one and not another.

Draw the line, stick to it.

I’d think it was pretty cheeky to ask to extend the invitation but I’d let them if I could afford another person.

I really loathe the nastiness of the ‘playing happy families’ phrase a PP used. I don’t even know what it means - they’re not playing anything, they just do things with his kid the way everybody else with kids does and that includes family celebrations. ‘Playing happy families’ just drips with ugliness and mean-spiritedness. Such a dismissive and unpleasant way to speak.

What “rules” will she have bent? Her reason is she’s never met the kid, she’s never met their dad either but he’s invited. Her other reason is that the kid has ADHD and might be badly behaved - just like the other kids she’s invited. She’s “bending her rules” by not inviting them. And who knows in advance who else is invited to someone else’s wedding?

I think if there are lots of other children going and you have entertainment planned she will really enjoy it and it will keep her busy. Won't you feel bad for excluding her, you really won't even notice her on the day at all. I had children I hadn't met before at mine and they loved dancing and making friends, it was cute. If it's easy/cheap to include her then I would. If it's a big extra cost then maybe not. Ultimately up to you though as it's your day.

Don’t be petty. Your cousin cares enough to waste money coming to your ‘destination’ wedding, so she should be able to bring her child.

Think your attitude is a bit shitty. ‘She could just stay with her Mum’, what if it’s Dad’s weekend to see his DC? He shouldn’t be letting his DD down just so he can attend a wedding. Also love how you claim to ‘love kids’ and have made your wedding into a child friendly party but want to exclude this child because she has ADHD. That seems to be the cut and dry of it, you’re worried she’ll act up and ruin it for everyone else because she has additional needs.

Ultimately your wedding but I’d expect your cousin to fall out with you if you exclude her partner’s child.

@Blossomtoes

What “rules” will she have bent? Her reason is she’s never met the kid, she’s never met their dad either but he’s invited. Her other reason is that the kid has ADHD and might be badly behaved - just like the other kids she’s invited. She’s “bending her rules” by not inviting them. And who knows in advance who else is invited to someone else’s wedding?

But she presumably knows the other kids’ behaviour and how their parents interact with them. She doesn’t know this kid or her parent. What if the child hurts herself or similar and OP gets blamed?

Also to add I do think there’s more to this than posted

I'd just go with it and say yes.

The guest list will shift about it over the next 7 months - grandparents might suddenly offer to take grandchildren for the weekend, couples separate, teenagers get other invitations. In the fortnight before my wedding there was a death, someone got stuck working abroad, minor car accident on way to church but had whiplash so only attended briefly, ferry crossing cancelled due to bad weather and we had an extra baby guest.

Tables were fixed hours before. We probably had to pay for a couple of extra meals but you have to accept that might happen anyway. It's the nature of inviting lots of people.

So yes maybe things will shift, maybe your cousin might separate from her boyfriend - maybe they won't but if they don't you'd do a lovely thing welcoming them in.

I don't think it's cheeky to ask.

Oh look Dave, I'm invited to my cousin's wedding. It says bring a plus one and children are welcome; they've got a children's play area and an entertainer. Perhaps we could take little Sarah as we have her at the weekends?
Let's ask if it's ok.

I can't see why they're being "cheeky fuckers".

@daisypond

YANBU. There’s no need for the plus-one boyfriend or dd to be invited at all. Why on earth would anyone expect that? Stick to your guns. If they are all coming to your locality to make a holiday of it, then clearly the boyfriend hangs out with the dd doing holiday activities while the cousin comes along to the wedding. It seems obvious to me.

Exactly!

Don’t understand what difference one more child makes if it’s a “child-friendly” wedding 🤷‍♀️

@Ozanj

Don’t be petty. Your cousin cares enough to waste money coming to your ‘destination’ wedding, so she should be able to bring her child.

It's not her child, it's her boyfriends child. Big difference

@Sugarplumfairy65

So children are welcome apart from those with disabilities?

It’s horrible but shit like this happens all the time. One of my former friends made all her friends’ daughters bridesmaids except for the one with downs syndrome because she didn’t want her to ‘ruin’ her photos.

@MrsSkylerWhite

Don’t understand what difference one more child makes if it’s a “child-friendly” wedding 🤷‍♀️

Children still need seats and catering companies still want to be paid for all guests, even children.

You can’t have limitless children!

@MissTrip82

I’d think it was pretty cheeky to ask to extend the invitation but I’d let them if I could afford another person.

I really loathe the nastiness of the ‘playing happy families’ phrase a PP used. I don’t even know what it means - they’re not playing anything, they just do things with his kid the way everybody else with kids does and that includes family celebrations. ‘Playing happy families’ just drips with ugliness and mean-spiritedness. Such a dismissive and unpleasant way to speak.

But there are loads of threads on how it’s a bad idea to blend families prematurely. Also how step-parents are expected to be ‘kind and welcoming and inclusive’ but jumped on the moment they do anything BFF

@IWasBornInAThunderstorm

we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along.

Not surprised they think his child might be able to come too if you've been stating it clearly tbh.

It's going to be a child friendly event just not for this child then? Eh?

we love kids do you? What all kids? You don't seem to like this one and you haven't even got tonknow them.

I can't believe the hard time OP is getting here!!

Surely all of the above applies to children that OP already knew about when planning her wedding and the numbers? Not any child of anybody a guest starts dating in the run-up?

Tbh I am surprised cousin's bf wants to bring his child to this wedding, bearing in mind he hasn't ever met the bride or groom. And I am surprised that his gf would suggest it too, since she and OP are not close.

OP is not obliged to invite an extra person to her wedding just because one of her guests would like to tack a family holiday onto the back of it.

Honestly OP, just say sorry but the numbers are set already so no can do. You are not close so she can always choose not to attend if it doesn't work for her and her bf.

@Hemingwaycat

Think your attitude is a bit shitty. ‘She could just stay with her Mum’, what if it’s Dad’s weekend to see his DC? He shouldn’t be letting his DD down just so he can attend a wedding. Also love how you claim to ‘love kids’ and have made your wedding into a child friendly party but want to exclude this child because she has ADHD. That seems to be the cut and dry of it, you’re worried she’ll act up and ruin it for everyone else because she has additional needs.

Ultimately your wedding but I’d expect your cousin to fall out with you if you exclude her partner’s child.

The cousin is in a brand new relationship. The cousin barely knows her new bf and his Dd so why should OP supply free childcare for the cf bf?

If the new bf can’t attend that weekend, then the cousin can bring another +1. Remember, the invite said +1, not +2.

Of course yanbu.
You don't even know the child and you have no obligation to invite her at all, who knows whether they will even be together then?
Doesn’t make you a child hater!!

what if the child hurts herself and Op gets blamed?

Inviting children to a wedding doesn't mean the bride is responsible for looking after them? What an odd comment.

All the stuff about ADHD or whatever is totally irrelevant.

You sent an invitation for Cousin and Guest. Not cousin, guest and child too.

I had a friend ask me on the day (after the ceremony) if her teenage granddaughter could come in for the rest as she was in the car. I know she has problems with mum (I think her mum/my friend's daughter has some mental and empirical problems) and the granddaughter has some behavioural issues herself. I knew I had some people who were paid for but hadn't shown so plenty of food etc. and immediately said yes of course. I hadn't met the girl beforehand and I didn't even really see her. But it meant a lot to my friend.

You'll be so busy on the day you probably won't even know she's there. I wouldn't get caught up in thinking about it too much.

@LizzieBet14

It can be incredibly hard parenting a child with a disability - it comes with so many issues, one of them being 'what will other people think?'

I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Let's hope that any future children that you may have are 100% perfect. Discrimination is hard in all forms.

If there is discrimination here, it is largely on the basis that this child is the OP's cousin's new boyfriends daughter. In other words, not far off being a total randomer. It is perfectly legitimate to not have her there, indeed I would think it very odd if she were there.