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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a child I haven't met at my wedding?

329 replies

strawberrydonuts · 31/08/2021 07:13

For our wedding next April we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment.

However, my cousin has a relatively new boyfriend who I haven't met and he has a daughter around 8 or 9 who I also haven't met. Apparently the girl has ADHD and is not very well behaved. I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year!)

I sent her an invite for Cousin +1 but she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum. She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 31/08/2021 09:20

Whether you know the boyfriend or how long they've been together is a moot point.

Inviting guests plus one means you'll have several guests at your wedding that you don't know, casual partners, new partners, my aunt brought her gay friend to my wedding as a plus one. That's what happens when you ask people to bring a guest.

Your issue is she may be badly behaved

Now if you're inviting lots of children of all ages to your wedding then brace yourself now; some of them will be badly behaved. Grin You've allowed for that right? You've made it child friendly with lots of children's entertainment.

Presumably, if a child starts shouting out during your vows then their parent (or guardian) would take them outside for 5mins.

What on earth are you expecting will happen?

Spaceformetoo · 31/08/2021 09:21

They are being rude asking to bring a child. Wedding invites state who is invited and if your DC aren’t on it then they are not invited, therefore your choice whether to attend/get offended.

If you’d said your cousin’s new bf wants an invite for his DD and you’ve never met either of them, the background is you only see your cousin at family events about once a year and have no real relationship with them, then you would have got a very different response.

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 09:25

It was just a suggestion as she felt bad as she didn't know the child.

Why would op feel bad?

This is a guy her cousin has just met! And not even their joint child, but one from another relationship. Who on earth in the right mind would invest any amount of time in this distended relationship that may not even last to the end of next week Confused

I find it so odd you would even suggest op goes there for the day to meet the child of a very causal relationship of a cousin she sees once a year and is not close to! My god most people have a life and don't have the time to meeting randoms just in case it works out for her cousin. I assume at some point further down the line the cousin will introduce her new guy to the family, and eventually after a year or two one could expect to meet his kids from previous, and then it MIGHT be acceptable to consider him as a part of a family/connected but otherwise it is just weird.

HarrowToCroydon · 31/08/2021 09:25

This does show what is wrong with society. Kids being excluded because of a "disability". The parents of the child would know how to deal with any situation.

HugeAckmansWife · 31/08/2021 09:26

lockdownmadness if I was still parenting in a couple I'm guessing I'd have more than 1 opportunity in 2 months to go out without a child in tow. As he fucked off and does minimal parenting, damn right I'm going to protect and make plans for my rare free time. Dire emergency, sure I'd swap about but otherwise no. The op should not just assume the boyfriends ex could 'easily' have the child so he can go to social event.

phishy · 31/08/2021 09:27

@Jemand

she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum

But if daughter stays with her mum she misses out on the holiday with her dad, not just the wedding. Presumably she can't as easily stay with her mum on the day of the wedding if she comes on the holiday?

Then the dad needs to do something else with his dd on the wedding day.

This is not OP’s problem to solve.

phishy · 31/08/2021 09:28

Very good point. You have until April to get to know them.

To get to know someone who isn’t even invited in the first place? Don’t be ridiculous.

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 09:28

Then the dad needs to do something else with his dd on the wedding day

Or he doesn't come! He is a total stranger to op, I am sure she can live without his presence and input.

LizzieBet14 · 31/08/2021 09:29

It can be incredibly hard parenting a child with a disability - it comes with so many issues, one of them being 'what will other people think?'

I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Let's hope that any future children that you may have are 100% perfect. Discrimination is hard in all forms.

aSofaNearYou · 31/08/2021 09:30

YANBU at all and it's crazy entitlement from those saying you are.

The invite says +1. It's incredibly cheeky to ask to bring 2 people, especially to the wedding of someone you aren't close to.

If they want to make a trip out of it then they can, dad can miss the wedding to look after his daughter and your cousin can go alone. Problem solved. He won't be bothered about the actual wedding either.

HugeBigButt · 31/08/2021 09:31

I think people get a bit OTT about this sort of thing. Like saying if your cousin lives with her partner and therefore DD lives with your cousin some of the time, then you can't "exclude her".

My step sons, who I live with 50:50 and have done for years would not bat an eyelid at not being invited to a wedding of my cousin that they don't know. They would literally hate it. And if it was impossible for them to stay with their Mum that day, my husband would probably stay at home with them (and be glad that he'd gotten out of it too!).

What child is going to be bothered about going to the wedding of their Dad's girlfriends family they have never met.

And if you're paying per head then it's not as simply as "what harm is it to invite her". It's a further expense, for a child you don't know, who may not even be around by the time your wedding is here and who likely wouldn't want to come anyway.

I'd say sorry due to numbers you are only offering plus 1. Her boyfriend can stay at home if it's a problem. I've gone to weddings alone before when my husband can't make it. Her family will be there so it's not like she won't know anyone.

aSofaNearYou · 31/08/2021 09:32

Jesus people are precious on here. All these comments about how poorly you're speaking about her when all you said was "apparently she's not very well behaved".

People really need to develop a thicker skin if they think that is a shocking way to talk about a kid.

HugeBigButt · 31/08/2021 09:34

But if daughter stays with her mum she misses out on the holiday with her dad, not just the wedding. Presumably she can't as easily stay with her mum on the day of the wedding if she comes on the holiday?

Eh? It's not up to OP to arrange their holiday for them. She's invited them to a wedding, not a holiday. They are the ones turning it into a holiday. And they can still do that if they really want to, boyfriend can just take his kid somewhere else in the area whilst cousin goes to the wedding. It's not like the only option is her missing out on a holiday.

phishy · 31/08/2021 09:34

@Blindstupid

OP we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along …… yet you want to exclude 1 person from this?? Your cousin is your family so surely is included in the bringing children?? …. Did the invite to every other couple with children say ‘couple plus child/children’ or ‘person +1 and child/children’? I doubt it…..

I'm not anti-ADHD at all …. This statement says you are. I wouldn’t want to attend your wedding with your ignorant, discriminative views.

It’s the child of a relatively new boyfriend. The cousin doesn’t even live with the child.
annacondom · 31/08/2021 09:36

This is about control. Of course you want complete control over every aspect of your special day, but it's not like that IRL and you have to learn to let go. These people, who you want there, are coming up for a few days and are bringing their DD. Of course she should come to the wedding. What's she supposed to do, stay alone in the holiday place? Relax. It's only during the ceremony that it'll be one more kid (won't notice at the meal/in the evening) and that's what, an hour at most. It'll be fine. Let her come and be with you and your/her family.

HugeBigButt · 31/08/2021 09:36

Although admittedly I've never really understood the absolute need to invite everyone and their entire families to weddings. My husband and children aren't arsed about a wedding for someone they don't know. If a friend is getting married I'd be happy for them just to invite me. No requirement for a family day trip along with the dog and kitchen sink.

Sirzy · 31/08/2021 09:38

@aSofaNearYou

Jesus people are precious on here. All these comments about how poorly you're speaking about her when all you said was "apparently she's not very well behaved".

People really need to develop a thicker skin if they think that is a shocking way to talk about a kid.

What that shows is the family have been gossiping about how naughty this child is, the OP hasn’t even met her but has been privvy to conversations about her. Hardly shows her or the family in a good light does it
phishy · 31/08/2021 09:38

@annacondom

This is about control. Of course you want complete control over every aspect of your special day, but it's not like that IRL and you have to learn to let go. These people, who you want there, are coming up for a few days and are bringing their DD. Of course she should come to the wedding. What's she supposed to do, stay alone in the holiday place? Relax. It's only during the ceremony that it'll be one more kid (won't notice at the meal/in the evening) and that's what, an hour at most. It'll be fine. Let her come and be with you and your/her family.
Since is when is the dd of a relatively new boyfriend ‘THEIR dd’?
HugeBigButt · 31/08/2021 09:38

Let her come and be with you and your/her family

It's hardly her family. It's OPs cousins new boyfriends kid. I wouldn't class the child of a distant cousins new boyfriend as my family Confused

TractorAndHeadphones · 31/08/2021 09:38

YANBU.
How do you know that her ADHD is the cause of her behaviour? Is that a reason that her parents use ?

If the two aren’t linked and you made the connection itself you’re discriminating, but if cousin/close family have said it themselves then you’re not. I’m presuming you know that the other parents of children with special needs will take full responsibility for them ..

Or you know how the kids behave.

but you don’t know if this girl’s parents will?

traintraveller · 31/08/2021 09:40

annacondom one of these people you say OP wants there she has never met. It is not her cousins child. It is the child of her cousins new boyfriend. The OP has not met the boyfriend or his child and only sees her cousin once a year.

Blossomtoes · 31/08/2021 09:40

If it’s a child friendly wedding, does one more really make any difference?

HugeBigButt · 31/08/2021 09:41

@Blossomtoes

If it’s a child friendly wedding, does one more really make any difference?
It does if you're paying for them.
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 31/08/2021 09:43

You invited a "plus one" so you have already invited an adult who you don't know to the wedding. Not knowing a child would surely be less of a problem. And you told everyone that you want all friends and family to bring their children along. So I'm afraid you've shot yourself in the foot if there's now a child you don't want to invite. That's why many people send invitations to named guests only.

It's not the end of the world though, it sounds like it will be a large party so a difficult child wont stand out, and cousin and boyfriend will expect to manage her during the wedding and party.

have an adults function (which a wedding is)

Maybe it is in your culture, but a wedding is not necessarily an "adults function" in my culture. It is a family function, and family often includes young and old, well behaved and badly behaved, as well as friends and connections. And family and friends usually expect to manage badly behaved guests (whether that's drunk stroppy Uncle Fred or 9yo cousin Tina with an unpredictable temper) so that the bride and groom are not troubled on their special day.

OP you can ask your cousin if the little girl might need any extra support during the day, it sounds as if you have plenty of experienced family who could keep an eye out and lend a hand.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 31/08/2021 09:43

So children are welcome apart from those with disabilities?