Would you offer to split costs?

[LevantineK]

I invited a friend and her DC to join us on a trip to Scotland. It’s quite a long way from where we live. We have a seven-seater so the two families fit perfectly in the car. I never said we should share the costs of petrol or parking and I initially thought this would be fine. DH said we should ask, but I insisted we shouldn’t. These were costs we would have anyway, I said, so no need to ask her to contribute. But I’m now left with an uncomfortable feeling that she should offer to pay her share and then it should be down to us to decide. Actually she kind of did that. In the car, she said she would contribute with the petrol. But after a few hours driving, we had to fill up the tank and no additional word from her. In her place, I would undoubtedly have offered to split costs and insisted if needed. We visited quite a few places so we also spent a lot on parking (around 40 pounds in total). I organised the whole trip so I ended paying some of the costs in advance. She paid me back but slightly less than it was due (77 became 75). I know I’m sounding very petty, but maybe I am! About a year ago, they came along on two day trips and she never offered to contribute. In one of them, she offered to split in two the cost of lunch when we always pay more as we have one additional adult. In the other, she bought the kids ice cream. So it’s not like she’s unaware we are partially subsidising her trips. Especially considering this latest, more expensive one. She has more disposable income than we have by the way. It’s been a week since we’ve been back and today she cheerfully asked me where I would I take them next.

Stop going on trips with her

If she says that again, you should laugh and say “ I think it might be your turn to take me on a trip!” Don’t take her on any more trips - her inability to put her hand in her pocket is already winding you up. Don’t put yourself in situations where she gets to take advantage of your generosity.

Text "Hi, friend so for the trip
Petrol was £ and parking was £. Would you mind paying us back for half share, as it's fairer we split costs"

Then give it no more thought

Stop offering lifts in your car if people don't start getting their purse or wallet out to pay towards petrol or buy the lunches for you to make up for it . Say here is the address will meet you there,

You can use Splitwise apps in each of your phones if you find you're always paying snd people are taking advantage. It's an easier way to show how much it actually costs you and as a reminder to replay you . I use it with my adult and teen DC when they borrow money (extra to allowance) and also uni son uses it with his friends when they order pizza etc or sub each other. You can put petrol costs on there like £15 donation towards petrol costs...

£40 parking with 50% split ...

About a year ago, they came along on two day trips and she never offered to contribute

Definition of insanity : repeating an activity and being surprised that the result is the same as before.

Just send her a message saying, "right, I've totted up all the petrol costs from our trip, thank you so much for offering to share the costs. The total came to £x so if you could transfer £y to me, we are all square. I'll ping you my bank details."

You need to be far more upfront.

Next time you ask say 'if you come we'll be sharing petrol and parking expenses.... (add what I'd fair). Its not hard.

Sounds like having her come was your idea and it did not cost you anything extra (bar 2£ that she was short of 77). I would think wanting her to pay half the petrol and parking after the trip is cf in fact. How many of you were there? Her and your family of 4-5? I wouldn't ask her for more than 1/5th or 1/6th. At a push split between adults. You should be upfront if you want half the petrol&parking when inviting a friend to tag along with your family.

She does sound a bit off. I’m not sure I’d have explicitly offered to split the petrol on the forecourt in the circumstances you describe, but I certainly would have offered at least to buy lunch for you and your family. And I’d have made sure that I picked up at least half the parking charges as we went along. I think I wouldn’t take her again. Once you’ve clicked something like that, you can’t “unnotice” and it’s irritating.

What’s done is done. No more future trips though….

She offered to split, and since you didn't outright ask to begin with she probably thinks you're not that bothered.

I always reject things like that from my friends because I don't need the contribution and I can't be bothered with sharing bank details etc. She's probably not even thinking about it.

Just ask, 'thanks for offering to split costs, that would be great actually. Petrol will be X and the lunch/activity was x'

You’re an adult. Just talk to her.

This is how she has more disposable income than you.

Some people are shameless and have brass necks to prove it. Being tight is one of the worst traits in a person. I had a friend like this who, despite earning the same as me at the time, enjoyed a lot of generosity on my part when we were on holidays, but point blank refused to say OK when I saw a lovely bag of which there was only one left, and she bought it for herself.

I will never forget it, and friend was no longer a friend from the moment we landed. I got through passport control and did a runner to my car and left her there, no lift, no loss.

A bit drastic you might say, but believe me I got the measure of her loud and clear over two weeks away, and never again would she be given the opportunity to freeload from me.

Stop asking her on trips if you know she’s tight!

If you want her to contribute, ask.
If you don’t think she should, because you would be paying it anyway, don’t.

But don’t say you’re not going to ask, that she shouldn’t pay and THEN be upset when she does exactly that.

I think you need to decide what you want. AND work on your assertiveness skills.

i would just send a "it was really nice of you to offer to share petrol costs, ive added it up and it was £100 so your share is £50. Bank details are xxx, thanks again" (obviously change numbers to real petrol costs

@Jenjenn, it’s her and her two sons. I agree I shouldn’t charge her now if I didn’t say when I invited them that I expected her to offer to contribute. But in her place I would have offered it. And it didn’t have to be half. We are 4, they are 3 so it could keep that proportion.

Very cheeky not to offer, say things are more expensive than you thought, and you need x amount from her

@RacistAngst, I didn’t tell her she wouldn’t need to pay. I didn’t mention it at all, and that was wrong. I told DH that I wouldn’t ask her to pay and I was fine with that until this last trip when I realised that it cost us quite a lot, she witnessed all payments without making a move and is now expecting more trips saying things like “where are you going to take us” as if an adult and her family are my responsibility. And, yes, I definitely need to work on my assertiveness skills.

For this trip you were going anyway and presumably cost would have been the same whether she came or not.

I wouldn’t have taken any contribution as it would have cost the same with or without them. Saying it cost a lot is what you would have paid anyway.
If you begrudge them coming, maybe don’t invite them again.

@thisplaceisweird, that’s probably it. She thinks I’m not bothered and is not even thinking about it. She actually behaves as if talking about money is a bit beneath her (which I probably do too), but I’m noticing she’s never on the generous side of not caring about money.

It’s been a week since we’ve been back and today she cheerfully asked me where I would I take them next.

Cheeky twat! Text her back saying ‘the trips are costing us a lot of money so probably not anywhere.’

I don’t think you should charge her half of parking and fuel if it was a trip that you were going on anyway. If it was something you planned together from scratch and you both had input then fair enough.
You say the 2 day trips she bought lunch for everyone on one and ice creams for kids on the other. So surely she paid her share if it was just fuel money?

So last year, you offered to take her out on 2 day trips, where you didn’t ask for a contribution, and she didn’t add to your costs.

On one trip she paid more than half for lunch, and on the other she paid for all the kids’ ice creams.

So in both cases, she cost you NOTHING but made a nice token “thank you” payment.

For Scotland, YOU offered, and YOU didn’t want a contribution. Until your husband told you off.

Again, she didn’t cost you anything. Well. £2. She paid up what she owed you. If that was cash, I can see that friends would knock £2 off if handling notes.

She suggested petrol contribution, but how did you respond? Was it a, “yes please”? Why didn’t you say, “could you do £20 towards this fill up now please?” So often there’s a dance around offer and refusal, or at least not taking the offer up. Given that you didn’t initially want a petrol contribution, did you actually accept her offer?

Even the comment about where you’re going next is easily just friends joking around.

Of course she COULD be taking the piss.
But equally, it’s telling that you were fine until your husband decided to disagree with you.

@phishy, I’ll do that! I’m not going to suddenly get good at being direct about money so this is a perfect way to mention it. “We are not going anywhere for a bit as we’ve spent quite a lot recently.” It might do the trick and she will offer to contribute in the future. Thank you!