Would you offer to split costs?

[LevantineK]

I invited a friend and her DC to join us on a trip to Scotland. It’s quite a long way from where we live. We have a seven-seater so the two families fit perfectly in the car. I never said we should share the costs of petrol or parking and I initially thought this would be fine. DH said we should ask, but I insisted we shouldn’t. These were costs we would have anyway, I said, so no need to ask her to contribute. But I’m now left with an uncomfortable feeling that she should offer to pay her share and then it should be down to us to decide. Actually she kind of did that. In the car, she said she would contribute with the petrol. But after a few hours driving, we had to fill up the tank and no additional word from her. In her place, I would undoubtedly have offered to split costs and insisted if needed. We visited quite a few places so we also spent a lot on parking (around 40 pounds in total). I organised the whole trip so I ended paying some of the costs in advance. She paid me back but slightly less than it was due (77 became 75). I know I’m sounding very petty, but maybe I am! About a year ago, they came along on two day trips and she never offered to contribute. In one of them, she offered to split in two the cost of lunch when we always pay more as we have one additional adult. In the other, she bought the kids ice cream. So it’s not like she’s unaware we are partially subsidising her trips. Especially considering this latest, more expensive one. She has more disposable income than we have by the way. It’s been a week since we’ve been back and today she cheerfully asked me where I would I take them next.

@phishy, it’s great that you managed to change things! My friend is definitely not that bad. But I won’t send the message about the petrol because it would come across as abnormally aggressive considering how I normally talk to her. I would expect her to follow up in the car or in the messages we exchanged after. I’lol concentrate on possible future trips, if they actually happen.

She sounds like a CF, although you still invited her even though she has not contributed to previous trips.
You should have discussed all trip related finances up front and been clear from the beginning if you wanted her to contribute.
You changed your mind about her contributing after speaking to your Husband, after you invited her and after realising that the trip was costing more than expected. You did not discuss the possibility of shared costs with her or the likely total cost of the costs before or whilst planning the trip.
She did offer but you pushed back and haven’t reminded her since.
Send her the figure along with your bank a/c details.
Don’t invite her again if you do not want to experience a similar scenario.
Work on being more assertive.

How much money are you actually expecting OP to take someone on a trip that’s costing you nothing extra at all for them to be there? There’s no way I’d charge someone petrol money just to make my own family trip cheaper than planned. I’d enjoy the extra company and accept a small gesture if it came my way (like your friend offered to you by small contributions towards your meals and ice creams etc).

I maybe missing something but if she is a good friend you should be able to talk freely with her. If not why are you going on holiday with her? There must be more to this story, on a longer trip, does she pay an agreed spilt of the accommodation costs a fair share of groceries and / or eating out her share of activity costs? Surely you must have had a discussion about those costs so why not a discussion about a small contribution towards the travel costs, it doesn’t make sense to me.

There’s no way I’d charge someone petrol money just to make my own family trip cheaper than planned. I’d enjoy the extra company and accept a small gesture if it came my way

Totally depends though. So I don't mind giving lifts if I am going there as I enjoy company too but I say that as a single person with no kids.

If I had a partner and kids, like the op, I am pretty certain I would just want it to be family time so the whole dynamic changes. If I was going on holiday with anybody and they were doing the driving in their car I'd throw money their way whether they wanted it or not.

What I find worse in the story is that her friend saw them paying for parking etc but never once offered to pay. And again what I'd likely do is, at the end of the holiday, throw them a sum of money in cash as I was getting out of the car which would cover petrol and parking and even a bit more for the fact that they did the driving.

Don’t think she sounds particularly cheeky at all. You’ve invited her on a trip you were already going on. She has paid more than her share in the past for things like lunch so doesn’t sound like she is tight. You just haven’t been very good at communicating your expectations with her. In future, make yourself clear when organising an activity. Certainly don’t text looking for money now unless you value that money more than your friendship.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll, that’s interesting. And I agree with you. If I benefit, I’ll want to pay. I hadn’t thought about the full picture of bringing a family along on a proper trip.. but it definitely contributed to me feeling a bit overwhelmed and even at times burdened especially by how she dealt with her younger DS’ behaviour. Nothing new to me but having that affect our plans a few times was hard.

maybe missing something but if she is a good friend you should be able to talk freely with her

I don't agree, money can be one of the most difficult subjects to bring up even for the closest of people. Look at the amount of mn threads over secret resentment and other issues people have towards family/friends/partners over money.

I think she should have paid half the parking and petrol costs or at least offered. Shd did offer. But if you made out you didn't want the money you can't blame her for not paying,

DH said we should ask, but I insisted we shouldn’t

There is nothing wrong about being clear about a situation like this where money is involved beforehand . Everybody knows where they stand. OP you are obviously thinking she should offer as that is what you would do and she may be thinking, well she's not asking so she doesn't expect it and it didn't happen last time.

Somewhere upthread the OP said that the friend looks down on talking about money. Often CFs use this excuse to their advantage.

@Summerfun54321, this was how I felt initially. But unfortunately it changed. I assume if you put yourself in her place you would have done the same, right? I wouldn’t. And I think that’s why I’m disappointed.

There’s no way I’d charge someone petrol money just to make my own family trip cheaper than planned.

That seems to be inferring deliberate, cynical motives to make some cash by doing the car equivalent of taking in lodgers, rather than a genuinely kind thought that you have spare seats and some friends who would probably enjoy the trip as well.

Why would OP be wrong to indirectly end up paying a bit less for her family but the friend is apparently not wrong to score a freebie for her family (other than a few token ice creams)?

Even the £77: somebody upthread (correctly) said that it might seem petty to be counting out exact pounds if you were repaying in cash, but in such a scenario, when somebody has already subbed you significantly, surely you would round it up to £80 and not round it down to £75 - by just assuming and not even asking if they minded you short-paying them by a couple of quid ?

Thanks everyone for all the replies. I’m sure my irritation will pass and I’ll try to be clearer if there’s a next time.

I think your position has swung around quite radically from 'insisting' she shouldn't pay for petrol, being sure you don't want to do it, to thinking she should contribute. The tone of your initial invitation probably reflected your attitude in the first place. She probably picked up on this.

In a way, I think that it's a shame for people who don't drive ( does she?) to be in the sack of potatoes role of being ferried around; helpless; doing a trip they probably wouldn't have done on their own: being beholden. I feel, as a non-driver, that I probably wouldn't, from now on, allow people to drive me on long trips: I think I would rather get the train and meet there. That way, there would be the option to be a bit separate, if we became too much in each others' hair. I don't know if it's good for a friendship for one side to be dependent.

In the car, she said she would contribute with the petrol. But after a few hours driving, we had to fill up the tank and no additional word from her. In her place, I would undoubtedly have offered to split costs and insisted if needed.

What did you say when she said she would contribute?

Everything moneywise should be sorted out before you even go on these outings. and then people can decide if they can afford all that has to be paid for. Most people should know about car expenses,and costs when visiting places, and eating out etc, it's always quite costly, so people should always pay their way. Plus you are doing all the driving !!

^^ In one of them, she offered to split in two the cost of lunch when we always pay more as we have one additional adult.

Sorry why should she pay for the additional adult? I don’t get that? She doesn’t have an additional adult. You have one more person, so yes you pay more. Unless I’m missing something.

She paid £2 less for your trip and paid for ice creams. It actually sounds as if she offers to pay, you weren’t bothered as it wouldn’t cost you more. Your husband said something, now you are. Just take her up on her offer or next time saying, would you might paying half before you go. A lot of overthinking here.

You invited her to join you, you didn’t ask for money at all, it would have cost you the same had she not come. Why have you reversed your position now it’s over?

Like a PP, we’ve not split petrol costs since our skint youth. If it would have cost us anyway, why expect others to subsidise our trip when we can invite them along?

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon, I simply nodded, smiled and said thanks.

@AndytheUnicorn, she didn’t pay for one adult, but for the equivalent of half of one adult in that particular trip.

We can't afford to take you anywhere but if you'd like to treat us we would be happy to join you.

She's a tight wad and a c.f..

Yep say something like 'we won't be going away for a while as needed to save up etc, although very lovely driving around Scotland cost a lot more than I thought

Ans then change the subject

@MissM2912

What age are you?? It honestly would never occur to me or my friends to share petrol costs. We aren’t 18 🙈

Maybe you're the freeloader?

You would have to have paid petrol and parking anyway. I would expect her to cover the additional costs for her family such as paying entrance fees. But then, if she has any appreciation of your generousity, there should also be a lovely thank you of some kind.

If I'd offered to pay towards petrol etc I would not expect to have to get out my purse at every petrol station and contribute each time. I'd expect to just be given one amount at the end to pay. Which you haven't done.