Would you offer to split costs?

[LevantineK]

I invited a friend and her DC to join us on a trip to Scotland. It’s quite a long way from where we live. We have a seven-seater so the two families fit perfectly in the car. I never said we should share the costs of petrol or parking and I initially thought this would be fine. DH said we should ask, but I insisted we shouldn’t. These were costs we would have anyway, I said, so no need to ask her to contribute. But I’m now left with an uncomfortable feeling that she should offer to pay her share and then it should be down to us to decide. Actually she kind of did that. In the car, she said she would contribute with the petrol. But after a few hours driving, we had to fill up the tank and no additional word from her. In her place, I would undoubtedly have offered to split costs and insisted if needed. We visited quite a few places so we also spent a lot on parking (around 40 pounds in total). I organised the whole trip so I ended paying some of the costs in advance. She paid me back but slightly less than it was due (77 became 75). I know I’m sounding very petty, but maybe I am! About a year ago, they came along on two day trips and she never offered to contribute. In one of them, she offered to split in two the cost of lunch when we always pay more as we have one additional adult. In the other, she bought the kids ice cream. So it’s not like she’s unaware we are partially subsidising her trips. Especially considering this latest, more expensive one. She has more disposable income than we have by the way. It’s been a week since we’ve been back and today she cheerfully asked me where I would I take them next.

I think you have to let it go and just promise yourself you'll be upfront in asking or accepting money next time.

She offered to contribute but you declined, she was £2 short in paying, hardly going to go in the cf hall of fame.

If I was her I'd be surprised and upset that you were secretly angry about this. The equivalent would be if she started a thread about how last year she paid 50% of the lunch bill when she should have paid 43%, and bought ice creams. "Yes I offered at the time but a year later it's occurred to me we should have got seperate bills, and also why didn't they just buy their own ice creams, I'm furious". It would seem a bit petty, wouldn't it?

So petty on your side, YABU

I find threads like this so strange

She said she’d split the cost with you? So you just need to message her the cost and ask for her portion… it’s not hard.

I wouldn’t have offered to split each individual cost when you made it, far too much hassle. I would expect you to add it all up at the end and give me the amount

And as for other trips if you enjoy her company just tell her next time you’re going to be splitting the costs? You don’t need to stop taking trips with her over this

These were costs we would have anyway, I said, so no need to ask her to contribute. But I’m now left with an uncomfortable feeling that she should offer to pay her share and then it should be down to us to decide.

I think YABU @LevantineK

You are contradicting yourself and wanting to control her - she “should” offer so you can decide? It seems a bit manipulative.

And to quibble over £2? She’s paid you a good sum , so I’m having difficulty seeing what you’re complaining about.

You also say she’s paid for half of things when it seems, from your first post, that of a 7 person party it’s her and a child, whereas it’s you, your husband and at least one child.

You invited her and didn’t also say, “We’ll share petrol costs etc”. Now you’re changing your mind. It’s a bit confusing and I’m afraid you’ve caused that confusion by changing your mind. And now you suspect her friendship. I think you’re being a bit unfair.

@KaycePollard, it’s her and 2 boys. Abs we are 4. She didn’t pay for half of things. It was half of one lunch in a different trip. So 50% instead of 43%. @TreeSmuggler, you are right. I have to let go and I’m not actually that bothered anymore. Like I said before, I was fuming after the message about where we were taking them next. But just to be clear, I never declined her offer to share petrol costs. I accepted it. I didn’t follow through but so didn’t she. It’s interesting to see that many people think she’s right. I still disagree and dislike the attitude, but knowing that has definitely helped. I’m not going to invite her for a while, also because i want time with my family. But will do that in the future and be upfront about her contributing to parking and petrol.

From reading all your posts OP what I find is a very confusing attitude. You expect your "friend" to behave as you think she should - but you don't actually ask for the behaviour (financial contribution) you want. You somehow expect her to intuit or read your mind.

And then you are resenting her for not reading your mind ...

This is particularly confusing because you have previously refused her offer of a contribution.

I do understand that there's a set of behaviours you might reasonably expect - that she matches your generosity. And she has offered payment on occasion. But for some reason, this either hasn't been enough, or hasn't been done in the way you think it should be.

You admit that you have a conflicted attitude towards asking for, or talking about, money. And you say your friend doesn't like talking about it either. You are criticising her for behaviour & conflicts you admit yourself.

I think you need to think that a gift is a "free gift given freely" - You seem to be monetising this friendship. It's not really very kind. Particularly to then complain about her behind her back.

This is bizarre. You wanted her to offer to contribute. She did. You are now being passive - aggressive by planning to avoid her and not letting her know the share she's already offered to pay and getting annoyed about it.

If I had offered to pay towards petrol costs while being taken on a trip by a friend, then when they pulled up at a petrol station, I would immediately got out cash to help with costs or pay for it in total depending.

Yes friend does seem a bit backward in coming forward, but this all seems so terribly British. When you filled up you could have got into the car and said " That was £50 do you want to go halves ( or whatever seems reasonable)? "

@KaycePollard, I never refused her offer to contribute towards petrol. Not sure where you and others who said the same got that from. Sorry for not being clear. I nodded and thanked her. And I know I should have followed that through. But would you agree she should too? You talk about her needing to read my mind as if my thoughts and expectations are highly unusual. Her offer to pay for petrol shows that’s not the case and the need to contribute was indeed in her mind. Clearly not like the intrusive thoughts I would have if I were in her place. If you say I’m monetising, let’s agree she’s the one profiting!

@MrsClatterbuck, that’s the kind of thing I would do too. @rookiemere, yes, I should have said something like that. But the offer had been made much earlier and I felt It would be pushy to confirm it there and then. I was expecting her to step forward. Anyway, I learned my lesson. @Palavah, I’m not sure you are being fair. You seem to put all responsibility for making sure the promised contribution happens on me and nothing on her. And I’m not going to avoid her! Not sure where you got that from. I’m just not going to invite them to join us on trips soon.

If you want some to contribute x amount tell them!

‘Sure would love you to come. Petrol and parking should work out around £70 per family but I’ll confirm once we’re there’

It’s really that simple and easy and way nicer for everyone then this terribly English thing of keeping it all secret but keeping score

It’s really that simple and easy and way nicer for everyone then this terribly English thing of keeping it all secret but keeping score

You see, I disagree - I think the “secret but keeping score” is much nicer…but only when both parties are playing the game! In the circumstances the OP has described, the obvious thing would have been for the friend to pick up the tab for the whole lunch. It might have been less than the strict “half of costs”, but would be a significant gesture and would have left OP and her husband feeling like the friend recognised they’d done her a big favour, without having to ask her for money upfront (when, as others have said, she wasn’t incurring incremental costs on a trip they’d already planned).