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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you offer to split costs?

113 replies

LevantineK · 30/08/2021 20:15

I invited a friend and her DC to join us on a trip to Scotland. It’s quite a long way from where we live. We have a seven-seater so the two families fit perfectly in the car. I never said we should share the costs of petrol or parking and I initially thought this would be fine. DH said we should ask, but I insisted we shouldn’t. These were costs we would have anyway, I said, so no need to ask her to contribute. But I’m now left with an uncomfortable feeling that she should offer to pay her share and then it should be down to us to decide. Actually she kind of did that. In the car, she said she would contribute with the petrol. But after a few hours driving, we had to fill up the tank and no additional word from her. In her place, I would undoubtedly have offered to split costs and insisted if needed. We visited quite a few places so we also spent a lot on parking (around 40 pounds in total). I organised the whole trip so I ended paying some of the costs in advance. She paid me back but slightly less than it was due (77 became 75). I know I’m sounding very petty, but maybe I am! About a year ago, they came along on two day trips and she never offered to contribute. In one of them, she offered to split in two the cost of lunch when we always pay more as we have one additional adult. In the other, she bought the kids ice cream. So it’s not like she’s unaware we are partially subsidising her trips. Especially considering this latest, more expensive one. She has more disposable income than we have by the way. It’s been a week since we’ve been back and today she cheerfully asked me where I would I take them next.

OP posts:

phishy · 30/08/2021 23:31

No worries! Although she may not offer to contribute so you have to be prepared for that. Remember the person expecting to get things for free should feel awkward, not you. So if you do want to go away with her, say she will need to contribute 50% (petrol, parking etc).

Or you could have a kitty system (both families put into it for shared costs and any leftover
money gets divided between families at the end of the holiday).

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/08/2021 23:37

You never asked for money and when you did she gave it you. She's offered to pay the petrol but you never agreed how much or when. Think you're blowing this out of proportion.

MissM2912 · 30/08/2021 23:39

What age are you?? It honestly would never occur to me or my friends to share petrol costs. We aren’t 18 🙈

Farwest · 30/08/2021 23:42

Next time try communicating like an adult. Do not expect any more money for this trip, though. If you wanted her to pay, you should have told her up front and been clear.

One could see it from her side that you are inviting her to subsidise the cost of your trip.

Original poster

LevantineK · 30/08/2021 23:43

@BungleandGeorge, she didn’t pay for everyone’s lunch. We are 4, they are 3. Everyone eats adult meals. Let’s say the bill was 100. We would normally split keeping the proportion if everyone had more or less the same. We would pay 57 and she would pay 43. But she offered to pay half which increased her share to 50! We paid 50, she paid 50. Not sure how much petrol cost on that trip (5 hours in the car in total) and can’t remember how much we paid in parking. The ice creams were another nice gesture that would have cost less than the additional 7 pounds she paid towards the meal on the other trip. But the problem for me is less the exact money but the attitude. I know people are different and I’m wrong in expecting that she should be like me, even my DH says that. But I can’t help feeling the way I am.

OP posts:

Suetully · 30/08/2021 23:46

I told DH that I wouldn’t ask her to pay and I was fine with that until this last trip when I realised that it cost us quite a lot, she witnessed all payments without making a move and is now expecting more trips saying things like “where are you going to take us” as if an adult and her family are my responsibility

yea as another poster said once you notice this it becomes impossible to unnotice and the resentment breeds. She is a cf. You contribute in situations like this in 1 way or other even if they say ''no it's ok'', you do.

So for example when I visit my hometown I visit 2 old school friend who live together. They will give me loads of their wine ad food etc but I would throw them money at the end of the holiday before I leave by just throwing it on their kitchen table and saying ''best of luck and that's for some more wine'' despite their statements to ''not be silly, take it back''. It's etiquette.

Or if I was visiting on a Saturday evening if I was up for a weekend I'd get them a lottery ticket with a few lines and a few packets of biscuits or bars knowing that when I visited they'd provide me with goods of some sort.

phishy · 30/08/2021 23:47

@MissM2912

What age are you?? It honestly would never occur to me or my friends to share petrol costs. We aren’t 18 🙈

So who pays? It’s very normal to share petrol costs, whether you’re 18 or 60.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 30/08/2021 23:47

I think it is too late now to ask but most certainly don't take her away again or decide upfront how much you want

Original poster

LevantineK · 30/08/2021 23:49

@MissM2912, yes, not all of us are as magnanimous as you and your friends - if you can really be trusted to know exactly what they are thinking.

OP posts:

Suetully · 30/08/2021 23:51

I think it is too late now to ask but most certainly don't take her away again or decide upfront how much you want

I agree with this but because the op said no the 1st time it makes it an awkward ask the 2nd time.

phishy · 30/08/2021 23:51

I know people are different and I’m wrong in expecting that she should be like me, even my DH says that. But I can’t help feeling the way I am.

I’m the same as you, OP, and I missed out on lots of money when I was younger. If I paid for a hotel (after checking costs with friend), I would wait for my friends to give me the cash and wouldn’t chase her. This happened with hotels, flights, days out.

When I realised it was costing me hundreds of pounds and what I could be spending that money on, I changed my attitude and now just say ‘the bill was £100. Do you want my bank details for the transfer of your share of £50 or so you already has them saved?’

Original poster

LevantineK · 30/08/2021 23:53

@Suetully, that’s what I would do to. You sound like a lovely friend! And you are right. It seems impossible to ignore it now.. but I’ll try.

OP posts:

MissM2912 · 30/08/2021 23:54

We just have been friends for years and years and haven’t shared petrol costs since we were at uni. We just take it in turns or contribute other things- like someone might bring snacks/ bottle of wine/ some sort of other token gesture. Seems quite bizarre to be taking money off a good friend for petrol if you are an adult, would be going anyway, and are comfortably off.

Palavah · 30/08/2021 23:55

@thisplaceisweird

She offered to split, and since you didn't outright ask to begin with she probably thinks you're not that bothered.

I always reject things like that from my friends because I don't need the contribution and I can't be bothered with sharing bank details etc. She's probably not even thinking about it.

Just ask, 'thanks for offering to split costs, that would be great actually. Petrol will be X and the lunch/activity was x'

This!

You wanted her to offer and she has offered.

phishy · 30/08/2021 23:55

In the car, she said she would contribute with the petrol. But after a few hours driving, we had to fill up the tank and no additional word from her.

Given she did offer and you didn’t say no it’s ok, why not text her and say ‘thank you for
offering petrol costs on the drive up, we are actually short of cash this month, if you could transfer £xx , which was the half of the petrol and parking costs, that would really help a lot.’

It will also help you suss out what kind of friend she is.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 23:56

This thread reminds of a holiday I did with 4 others to Thailand years ago. One of the group never bought drinks and constantly asked us for cigarettes. He met his uncle, who lived there, and the uncle started joining us and like nephew like uncle.

Both would sit waiting for a round to be bought and never once returned the favour, it was cringy especially as the drink and fags cost nothing. But cfs will do this.

Original poster

LevantineK · 31/08/2021 00:00

@MissM2912, I think it’s clear what you describe has nothing to do with my particular case. You are describing people taking turns at driving and offering each other lovely tokens like wine.

OP posts:

Suetully · 31/08/2021 00:00

And you are right. It seems impossible to ignore it now.. but I’ll try

And it's not even about the money sometimes, it's more the entitlement and taking advantage. It gives the relationship an uneven/unequal feel. So in my example of Thailand the fags cost nothing, fraction of UK costs, so them asking for them off me annoyed me as it was sheer the cfery of it, the taking advantage. I totally see where you are coming from x

DeathOnTheNile · 31/08/2021 00:01

With these situations, it's often more about the backstory than the situation itself. I have friends who have driven me places and who I've driven places, and it's never occurred to either of us to ask for petrol money. I've offered petrol money and had the offer rejected based on the fact that the person was going there anyway.

Since you invited your friend rather than it being a joint idea, she may have thought that you were okay with not splitting petrol money. But you obviously aren't, and that's okay too - next time make sure to discuss it upfront. It doesn't have to be a production, just a breezy 'so petrol is going to cost X, are you fine to split it?' Her response will tell you if she really is a CF or not.

MissM2912 · 31/08/2021 00:02

No even if we did go on a road trip somewhere we still wouldn’t hand over cash for petrol. It just would seem odd. If we stopped for lunch we might chip together to pay for the driver or something like that.

phishy · 31/08/2021 00:03

@MissM2912

But there are no turns here MissM, it’s the OP/her DH droning abs paying for person and the friend doesn’t offer to pay for any of it, or contribute in other ways by buying food etc.

You’re comparing apples with oranges.

phishy · 31/08/2021 00:04

*paying for petrol and parking

phishy · 31/08/2021 00:05

@MissM2912

Abs that’s nice for you. But you’re not belong OP.

phishy · 31/08/2021 00:05

*helping

Urgh stupid iPhone keyboard you suck

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 31/08/2021 00:06

I think there are two starkly distinct ways of looking at this kind of scenario. Many will ask why they should pay a share when you were going already; others (like me) will insist why I should pay, because I am also benefiting.

Going on that (former) attitude, nobody 'should' ever expect to pay on a bus or train, as it's going that way anyway - or at least not once enough people have paid to cover the costs. Nonsense: if you benefit, you pay your fair share.

It isn't even just the cost, but you and/or your DH took responsibility for 5 hours of driving (plus the wear and tear on your car) and you also passed up the opportunity of having exclusive time for your own family to chat/share in-jokes/listen to your own favourite music etc.

On a minor note, you would also have had to limit how much stuff you took with you or chose to buy when there, as 7-seater cars are made for either 7 people with very little luggage space or up to 5 people and loads of room to play with.

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