Would you offer to split costs?

[LevantineK]

I invited a friend and her DC to join us on a trip to Scotland. It’s quite a long way from where we live. We have a seven-seater so the two families fit perfectly in the car. I never said we should share the costs of petrol or parking and I initially thought this would be fine. DH said we should ask, but I insisted we shouldn’t. These were costs we would have anyway, I said, so no need to ask her to contribute. But I’m now left with an uncomfortable feeling that she should offer to pay her share and then it should be down to us to decide. Actually she kind of did that. In the car, she said she would contribute with the petrol. But after a few hours driving, we had to fill up the tank and no additional word from her. In her place, I would undoubtedly have offered to split costs and insisted if needed. We visited quite a few places so we also spent a lot on parking (around 40 pounds in total). I organised the whole trip so I ended paying some of the costs in advance. She paid me back but slightly less than it was due (77 became 75). I know I’m sounding very petty, but maybe I am! About a year ago, they came along on two day trips and she never offered to contribute. In one of them, she offered to split in two the cost of lunch when we always pay more as we have one additional adult. In the other, she bought the kids ice cream. So it’s not like she’s unaware we are partially subsidising her trips. Especially considering this latest, more expensive one. She has more disposable income than we have by the way. It’s been a week since we’ve been back and today she cheerfully asked me where I would I take them next.

You do seem to have done an about turn from you not wanting to ask but your husband wanting to. Now it’s you that thinks it cheeky? Just ask her for some money.
Why did you invite her? Was it company for the children? If you’re going to ask for half I think next time you should give her some input on where you go and what day trips you do. Or just go as a family?

You need to be a lot clearer about what contributions you expect.

@LevantineK what did the 75£ she payed cover? I organised the whole trip so I ended paying some of the costs in advance. She paid me back but slightly less than it was due (77 became 75). And did you respond to her offer to share petrol costs or just brush it up making her think you didn't want her to contribute?

I understand why you feel hurt, I would just contribute too if I was the friend, but I don't think it's fair to expect her to act as you would.
And it sounds like it was only after the fact that you decided it was unfair she didn't contribute. If you're taking her on family outings I'd expect she's a good and valued friend. I wouldn't throw that away over something that can easily be avoided by either not inviting her again or making expectations clear upfront, something less like, "would you like to go to .... with us? It ended up a lot more cost than w expected last time, so if you'd like to come with us to ..... or any other outing in future we'll need to split petrol and parking 50/50."

Whenever I read these threads about money, it makes me worried that perhaps friends of mine are quietly seething too, without me knowing about it .

None of my friends offer each other petrol money for trips we were already going to make - we just jump in each other's cars without a second thought. If you didn't talk about money beforehand and simply invited her to join you, she'll assume you are her guest effectively.

If you want her to pay, then you need to talk about it before you go.

Context is everything: "I've arranged a family trip on 10 August to Scotland in our seven-seater. It'd be lovely to see you, would you like to join us?" will subconsciously give the message that this is a freebie.

Whereas "It would be nice to do a trip together over the holidays. Where shall we go? What dates suit you? Can we split the travelling costs between us?" obviously isn't.

"you are her guest" should have been "she is your guest". Sorry.

If I invited a friend to join me somewhere I was going anyway, no I would not expect or want a contribution towards petrol. As you do feel put out by it, the answer is to stop inviting her to join you!

One adult jumping in for a short trip in the car is one thing, petrol-wise.

Three extra people in a car doing a long trip such as the OP describes is quite another.

I would definitely have asked for a contribution to the petrol costs, but not the parking.

In all honesty, OP, I'd feel like you, but I think at this stage it would feel far too uncomfortable for me to ask for petrol costs for this trip. But you should (and I would) do it in advance if you ever consider taking her on another trip.

You should laugh back and say I think it's your turn to treat us to a break.

I think that your husband and yourself are very kind to invite her and her children.

Because you state clearly money isn't an issue for her, I do think she is being tight and a CF.

I wouldn't say anything, I just wouldn't include her next time.

It offers no benefit to you and your family and actually is a little stressful.

I just would holiday alone from now on.

She is obviously tight.

Simple manners would dictate you would do something for people doing what you are doing.

My reading of this is that you are both at fault.

On your part, there is a communication issue and it is mostly your fault. You refused her offer to contribute and then decided that actually you'd like her to contribute after all. But you're too embarrassed to front up to her about it.

On her part, if I'd gone away with another family for a trip and they'd paid for the petrol and done all the driving, I'd be looking for ways to say thank you and show my appreciation, like treating everyone to a meal out. Not just a round of ice creams and paying a little more than my share for a meal.

The first question to ask is do you like having her and her DC on your trips? If not, don't invite them.

The second question is what it is fair for your friend to contribute. I'd estimate petrol and parking costs and ask her to pay 3/7 in advance into a holiday kitty. Anything left over could be used for a meal out on the last day.

@billy1966, I think that's probably what I'll do. Even asking her to contribute to costs for future trips would make me really stressed because it would feel like a dig about the past ones. I know many would think I'm not behaving like an adult, that I lack assertiveness etc. I wish I could be different without developing an ulcer. In short, unless she comes to the conclusion that she should offer to contribute to the costs (doesn't even need to be half), I will stop inviting them. But I'm definitely not ending the friendship. By doing that, I'd be actually preserving it. We get on extremely well in my family unit, have great conversations in the car, so I'm not inviting them to compensate for anything we lack. It was just to have a different type of fun and experience and also because I felt a bit sorry for them, as she's the type who never organises this sort of thing for her family. She is a lovely person but can be self-absorbed. And I also like her children very much.

Why get stressed about it? Personally I think now you can text people it makes uncomfortable situations much easier! Next invitation- do you fancy going halves on a day trip out? Where do you fancy going? Then send her how much she owes.

Most people would just contribute voluntarily but not everyone is the same.

@Goldbar, yes, I recognise I'm at fault, but I never refused her offer to contribute. When she said she would contribute towards petrol, I nodded, smiled and said thanks. With hindsight, this would have been the perfect opportunity to say that I would send her a message with all the costs at the end of the trip. But I didn't do that and who can say how people interpret nods, discrete smiles and faint thanks! Maybe she read: "They don't really want it, it's all taken care of!". She's definitely not malicious. I think it's more about my lack of clarity and her being self-centred and slightly selfish. 3/7 would be the fair split in my view and I would probably accept less than that exact proportion. After being furious yesterday with her text about "where are you taking us next?", I'm more at peace today with mine and her shortcomings! It was good to vent my frustrations here!

I understand your frustrations! In her shoes I would have transferred £100 before the trip and asked you to let me know if our share turned out to be more.

Real friends appreciate kindness and don't behave this way.

You sound like a very nice person OP.

I would suggest that you see your friend a little more clearly and absolutely suit yourself and your family in future.

You need to be clearer in future if you expect her to contribute and in truth you invited her along to all of these trips, she offered to contribute to petrol and you didn't follow it through.

Her text about "where are you taking us next" could be construed as cheeky but also a way of conveying how much she enjoys the trip.

If you also benefit from the company then if you do arrange something going forward then be sure to ask about how you both should split costs. Sure it does kind of imply that this should have happened for previous trips, but on the other hand means you can move forward with no ill will.

There is also nothing to be ashamed of in deciding that you do want a financial contribution in future. The trick is to mention it upfront and then follow up with specifics.

Or don't ask her again.

Which option do you prefer ?

@Disfordarkchocolate

You need to be far more upfront.

Next time you ask say 'if you come we'll be sharing petrol and parking expenses.... (add what I'd fair). Its not hard.

This. Its the fair way to do it, upfront, giving her a choice and clearly detailing what is owed and when you'd like it paid. Its confusing to be vague . This is what texts are for. It's true, she could have offered petrol when you stopped but if you just got out, filled up and paid and then didn't say anything or how much, it becomes more an issue of you communicating to her what is expected.

But she gave you £75? I’d that not contributing?

She's either thoughtless or a tightwad, hard to tell which but probably the latter. I'd always round up my share of costs if someone else has organised everything (so £80 not £75k, pay for the whole lunch, whatever).

Though possibly I think this because she reminds of my SIL whose classic is, 'I just need to find my purse...' Plenty of money, but incredibly tight.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons
To be exact, 77.29 was what I had paid in advance for museum tickets etc. @Eralos, this was money she clearly owned me so not a contribution to parking or fuel.

Actually I’m on the fence, you invited her to join and you’d be going anyway, so you’d have the costs. You’re not out of pocket. She’s probably not thinking you want her to come to pay.

I understand your frustrations! In her shoes I would have transferred £100 before the trip and asked you to let me know if our share turned out to be more

This with bells on. Amazes me the posters here who think the op is unreasonable here when many of us would feel the same.

I think this is easily nipped in the bud, Just drop her a text with how much her share works out to be.

we’ve taken friends with us on driving trips ( 6hr plus ) and not expected anything since we were going anyway .. once was a drive from London to Scotland. But to be fair, I guess if you make many trips with the same person you would hope at some point they do something nice to show it’s not taken for granted..

Yabu to offer and then expect to be showered with gratitude and money that you “wouldn’t accept” anyway.