I'm I taking advantage of my elderly neighbour?

[Raffleyourdoughnut]

Sorry its a bit of a long one as I don't want to drip feed.

I live in a semi-detached house with good sized front and back garden. The front is just grass and the back has grass and some raised beds with plants and flowers.

My attached next door neighbour is a lady in her late 70s early 80s who now lives alone after her husband died last year. Earlier this year she had a fall (out shopping on her own) and when she was in hospital (she was in about a week as she had an infection unrelated to the fall) her son basically destroyed hard garden. She had grass at the front same as me but at the back she had lots of beautiful ground level plants and flowers and just a wee bit a grass. Her son removed all the grass and replaced it with artificial grass. He removed the plants/flowers and replaced them with artificial grass too. When my neighbours came home she was heartbroken.

So earlier this summer she asked me if she can look after my plants as she missed gardening. Even though my neighbour is elderly she actually have more mobility than I do. My neighbour has been doing bits and pieces in the back garden cutting plants and bushes etc a couple of hours a week each week all summer. As I'm working from home we sometimes stop and have a cup of tea together and a bit of a chat. She seems to be enjoying being able to the garden again.

My neighbour doesn't see her son very often and unfortunately when he came round earlier today, my neighbour was in my garden. He came round shouting about me taking advantage of his mother and that she is too old to garden and I should be paying her for doing my gardening for me. My neighbours seems to be a bit scared of him as she just left with him without saying goodbye. He is still at her house so I haven't spoken to her.

Am I taking advantage? I never thought to offer to pay her. I've taken her to a few garden centres to buy new plants and have afternoon tea, I bought a set so she could sit and garden and I've bought her some craft supplies that I thought she would like as a thank you but I've not given her money. Gardeners round our bit cost about £15 an hour so that's about £30 a week. Should I have paid her?

So not to drop feed. The son owns the house so he can do what he wants with it. She can't stop him. He won't let her have any plants/flowers in the garden (or inside) as he thinks she is to old to be gardening.

My older nieces cut my grass for me for pocket money. They could look after the plants too but my neighbours seems to enjoy doing it.

Aibu?

I think you need to speak to the son. He’s clearly did what he did for his mothers benefit, you can’t make assumptions.

It does seem though you’re getting everyone to do your garden dor you for fuck all money, and doing little yourself

If she requested to do it then she is not being taken advantage of. You could look at it this way my neighbour in her 70s asked if I would mind doing the shopping for her when lockdown was in full swing. In return she would sometimes drop over a home made cake or fruit and vegetables from her back garden.

I can see where he is coming from but the question is did he ask her and did she say that she'd actually wanted to do it?

Especially if she comes over for tea and you make it then as long as she isn't busting her gut and you are ordering her around then it's fine.

@Bluntness100

I think you need to speak to the son. He’s clearly did what he did for his mothers benefit, you can’t make assumptions.

It does seem though you’re getting everyone to do your garden dor you for fuck all money, and doing little yourself

He thinks he did it for his mother's benefit. It sounds as though she may have been unaware, and certainly unhappy about it.

My gut reaction is no you are not taking advange of her and her son is a git for taking away something she enjoyed .
BUT , where did she fall ? was it in her garden while she was gardening ? if it was then I can certainly see her sons point of veiw .
If it was while she was out shopping / visiting friends etc then the lines are a bit more blured ,

She has clearly expressed interest in gardening and asked to do it. Maybe money wouldn't sit right with her but are there other ways you could support her and make her feel valued?

The son may have had good intentions but fucking hell, how harsh to rip out her lovely garden behind her back. So cruel.

He sounds like a controlling arse tbh. Taking pleasure away from her. If she didn’t want to do gardening she’d have not asked or said if it got too much.

I’d pop round and check once he’s left.

I don’t think you are taking advantage, as long as she gardens when it suits her, and you don’t demand anything of her. Ie. She potters in the garden as and when, rather you saying can you do x, y and as.

I wonder if the son is being overly protective of his mum. Elderly people can be thought of as being frail. Frail and elderly do not always go together!
She asked if she could potter in your garden. That sounds mutually beneficial, she gets company, and you have a tidy garden and company.
As you get your nieces to do the lawn, I would think that if any heavy gardening was required, you would either diy or get someone suitable in. - you would be expecting an elderly lady to chop trees for instance. If so, then no I don’t think you are taking advantage, you are doing something nice, by allowing a lonely lady companionship and a hobby she clearly enjoys.

I feel very sorry for her. I wonder if he was given the house to avoid inheritance tax and now he is being controlling. I think she would value the friendship you are giving her over the money. You can offer it - I doubt she would accept it though. But I have to say yes gardeners are around £15 an hour but its unlikely she is a gardening as fast as a young gardener can.

Does this excuse for a human being want to take every shred of pleasure out of her life? I feel so sorry for her. Not content with destroying her garden, now he’s trying to deprive her of the pleasure of pottering in yours and attempting to ruin her friendship with you.

No, you’re not taking advantage of her. Quite the reverse. You’re being her friend and making her happy. Please keep on doing it.

are you disabled, OP.
i don't think we can assume the son's motives, and shouting at his mother, as well as destroying her beloved garden does not sound very caring.
probably he didn't want to have to do any work in it.
bullying ACs are not unknown, esp with aged Ps living in valuable houses.
i see it round here. son lambasting bed-bound mother for wasting her money on careworker, says she should wash herself, in bed, no water nearby, multiple morbidities.
he's also told careworker off for making his mother tea, and tells her not to eat so much.
it's very hard to witness. yet she worships him, unhealthily in thrall to him. she would not co-operate with any SS referral re abuse, neglect.

She offered, it gives her pleasure and you have given her gifts she enjoys and most importantly your time and friendship which is invaluable. She would probably be offended or at least upset if you offered money.

Her son sounds a piece of work but you would be wise to try and get on his good side if at all possible. Stress that she's only doing light gardening, you are on hand to supervise her and she enjoys it and you like her company. And you will tell her to stop if she does too much. Wouldn't surprise me if he suggests you pay him though!

The thing is the ops never going to post by neighbour is very frail so her son has her garden artificially turfed to make it better for her, she wanted it but was upset it has come to that. She was happy to do it bit in my garden so I’ve her in there knocking her pan in for two hours a week. The son saw what she was doing snd was upset, and I don’t offer to pay her or anything, I just let her crack on.

I'd be tempted to call it and day and not allow her to do it anymore. If she is sad about that, that's on her son. You don't need people talking to you like that when you were doing her a favour, not the other way round.

I think he was very cruel to remove her garden and its kind of you to let her potter around in your garden, you seem to have a nice friendship I assume she's getting a lot out of it. Older people can get very lonely when they have family that doesn't want them doing anything but don't visit and spend time with them.

We have a neighbour who's 80 and walks his younger neighbours dog twice a day while they are working he has done for 11 years often people raise eyebrows because they assume it's a hassle for him but he says it gives his life a routine and a purpose to be up and dressed every day.

I love pottering in the garden. If, one unfortunate day, I was discharged from hospital and came home to fine my son had ripped all my planting up and left me with nothing but plastic I would be heartbroken.

I would happily go and potter in a neighbours garden for the sheer joy of getting my hands dirty, getting close to nature, feeling the sun on my face and the satisfaction.

She offered, you are not taking advantage.
Her DS sounds awful

You are definitely not BU. As someone who loves gardening I can understand her distress at having 'her' garden taken away and I can tell you for certain that she will really enjoy being allowed to potter about in your garden. And she did not ask you to employ her as a gardener.
As long as she decides what gardening she does, and when she does it, then I really don't think she's being taken advantage of, especially as you have said that you have treated her a few times.
Is there any chance you could try explaining things to her son?

As long as your neighbour has capacity it is for her to decide what to do with her time. If she likes doing it then talk to her about how she finds it physically. This is an adult. She may have physical limitations but nothing in your post suggests that she can’t make up her own mind safely.

Her son can talk directly to his mother if he worries that she is over exerting herself.

Well, I am 79. and fit. and love gardening, have been doing it for 60 odd years. I would willingly do gardening for neighbours, and would definitely not need any payment. Private gardeners do it for the love of it. The man in question,is probably saving himself, of mowing lawns and all , as his Mother is getting on a bit. But rather naff, putting down fake grass, if he eventually wants to sell the house.Also doing this without the Mums permission.. if it has been the Mothers plots for years.

I would ring his neck if he did this to my gardens.

Believe me, you are not taking advantage of anyone,who kindly lets you do any bits in their garden, its usually a pleasure for them.

I suggest you just have her round to sit in your garden and supervise you doing the work.
Or maybe she can do a little weeding of the raised beds, while seated.

You don't know what the son has been told about her health and about what may have caused the lady to fall.
So you don't want to chance her overdoing things in your garden, without you realising.

I suggest that you assume the son has his mother's best interests at heart and speak to him.
Tell him you will invite his mother to sit in your garden but you won't allow her to actually do work in it.

Light gardening is a fantastic hobby for elderly people (and all ages!). Keeps the brain active, sense of achievement etc. So I can see why she wants to do it.

However I can see why the son made that assumption. You don't know her medical needs.

Unless this lady has significantly impaired cognition (moderate/advanced dementia for example)she is quite capable of deciding for herself if she would like to do a bit of gardening in her neighbours, OPs, garden.

Even if she is in her 80s, even if she might fall, even if she is frail or her son doesn't like it. She is able to choose to do this, she can weigh up the risks herself against the benefits of her enjoyment, exercise, fresh air etc. She is aware she isn't getting paid, OP didn't go and ask her as a favour or pressure her. It's not taking advantage. I imagine the chats and trips to the garden center are nice for you both too.

If your neighbour has mental capacity to make decisions about her garden (and there's nothing in your post to suggest otherwise), the son had absolutely no right to do what he did. Even if he thought it was in her best interests to reduce the risk of falls.
Her quality of life is worse and she's untitled to make poor decisions (not saying she is btw).
Elderly people still have rights. But some children feel the need to totally take over in panic when something happens.

To answer questions:yes I am disabled and currently in crutches because of ankle surgery, usually I use a stick.

My neighbour pre pandemic used to jog every day and spend hours in the garden. She is a member of my parents bowling club so used to bowl several days week. Since her husband died of a heart attack she has stopped doing all of that.

As I said she is much more mobile than I am.

She fell after slipping over a wet floor in a supermarket. She bumped her head so was initially kept over night then had a UTI so had to stay longer.

The way he was shouting and your neighbour feels scared would concern me.

He sounds awful.

I would be call Age Action to see if they could call to her to check that she is not being bullied.

Taking away her lovely garden was an act of vandalism IMO and he sounds like a domineering bully.

Perhaps say to her to be careful not to overdo it but if it gives her pleasure, leave her at it.

I would not leave her alone doing it though.
Keep checking with her that she doesn't do too much.