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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm I taking advantage of my elderly neighbour?

108 replies

Raffleyourdoughnut · 30/08/2021 17:31

Sorry its a bit of a long one as I don't want to drip feed.

I live in a semi-detached house with good sized front and back garden. The front is just grass and the back has grass and some raised beds with plants and flowers.

My attached next door neighbour is a lady in her late 70s early 80s who now lives alone after her husband died last year. Earlier this year she had a fall (out shopping on her own) and when she was in hospital (she was in about a week as she had an infection unrelated to the fall) her son basically destroyed hard garden. She had grass at the front same as me but at the back she had lots of beautiful ground level plants and flowers and just a wee bit a grass. Her son removed all the grass and replaced it with artificial grass. He removed the plants/flowers and replaced them with artificial grass too. When my neighbours came home she was heartbroken.

So earlier this summer she asked me if she can look after my plants as she missed gardening. Even though my neighbour is elderly she actually have more mobility than I do. My neighbour has been doing bits and pieces in the back garden cutting plants and bushes etc a couple of hours a week each week all summer. As I'm working from home we sometimes stop and have a cup of tea together and a bit of a chat. She seems to be enjoying being able to the garden again.

My neighbour doesn't see her son very often and unfortunately when he came round earlier today, my neighbour was in my garden. He came round shouting about me taking advantage of his mother and that she is too old to garden and I should be paying her for doing my gardening for me. My neighbours seems to be a bit scared of him as she just left with him without saying goodbye. He is still at her house so I haven't spoken to her.

Am I taking advantage? I never thought to offer to pay her. I've taken her to a few garden centres to buy new plants and have afternoon tea, I bought a set so she could sit and garden and I've bought her some craft supplies that I thought she would like as a thank you but I've not given her money. Gardeners round our bit cost about £15 an hour so that's about £30 a week. Should I have paid her?

So not to drop feed. The son owns the house so he can do what he wants with it. She can't stop him. He won't let her have any plants/flowers in the garden (or inside) as he thinks she is to old to be gardening.

My older nieces cut my grass for me for pocket money. They could look after the plants too but my neighbours seems to enjoy doing it.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Valeriekat · 30/08/2021 18:18

I think I would actually die if I couldn't garden. It gives me so much pleasure.
If I were your neighbour I would not want to be paid. That is a ridiculous suggestion from her clearly unpleasant son.
I am sure she loves pottering in your garden and loves her tea breaks with you. Don't change what you are doing now. You both sound lovely.
He does sound like a bully.

magicstar1 · 30/08/2021 18:19

Yanbu. My parents downsized and have no garden anymore. My mother loves weeding, sweeping, planting etc when she visits, and she’s 76 now.

HaveringWavering · 30/08/2021 18:21

As long as she does not have any cognitive impairment then it is none of her son’s business.

supersop60 · 30/08/2021 18:22

The son sounds like a controlling arse. Keep an eye on her, because one day he'll put her in a home and sell the house.
She sounds like a lovely neighbour.

Booknooks · 30/08/2021 18:24

He sounds very controlling. No you aren't taking advantage, she wanted to do it and I'm sure if she said sorry I don't want to or can't do it anymore you'd be fine with that, so I doubt she feels beholden. It's lovely that you do stuff together like the garden centre, you could breach payment with her if you wanted, but a lot of people would feel awkward if they were offered payment for something they offered to do in the first place.

thelastgoldeneagle · 30/08/2021 18:26

@AlCalavicci

My gut reaction is no you are not taking advange of her and her son is a git for taking away something she enjoyed . BUT , where did she fall ? was it in her garden while she was gardening ? if it was then I can certainly see her sons point of veiw . If it was while she was out shopping / visiting friends etc then the lines are a bit more blured ,
The op clearly says she fell while out shopping on her own.
crimsonlake · 30/08/2021 18:30

I do not think you are taking advantage, but equallly I can see her son has done this probably with good intentions. The likelihood is that her own garden is too much for her...quite different to upkeep your own to pottering in someone else's garden. He quite possibly does not have the time to maintain it for her, although a solution would be to pay a gardener, maybe they cannot afford one.
If she has banged her head and had an uti, these two together will affect your cognitive function. He is the one who knows his dm really well here.

PicsInRed · 30/08/2021 18:30

It sounds like coercive control - of the son over his mother. Now that the husband (his father?) is gone, he has ramped up the control over his mother and taken control of her largest asset and I would be very concerned for her.

BTW, classic projection from him about you taking financial advantage. It is he who is guilty of that.

Longdistance · 30/08/2021 18:34

No you’re not taking advantage, she probably enjoys it since her son ruined the garden. He probably only owns the house as he was put on the deeds to avoid care home fees. He put down fake grass because he can’t be bothered to mow the lawn for his poor mum.
Your neighbour probably likes your company and you are buying her gifts in return.

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 18:36

If she has banged her head and had an uti, these two together will affect your cognitive function

Temporarily. Recovery is, not only possible, but highly probable.

Clymene · 30/08/2021 18:38

I don't think the son has done this with good intentions at all. What kind of monster covers a beautiful garden with astroturf? Horrible stuff.

He sounds like a horrible bully and I would be worried about her.

Gardening is an absolute joy for many people. And she isn't old!

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2021 18:40

This sounds like coercive control. I agree with contacting age concern. You definitely are not taking advantage. She was there of her own accord.

RJnomore1 · 30/08/2021 18:41

She was in for a few days with a UTI and he managed to rip up her entire garden and get someone to lay artificial lawn?

He must have been planning that for a while beforehand eh

oakleaffy · 30/08/2021 18:42

Gardening needs to be paid.
If she was to fall at yours, the son could sue you.. she needs to have her OWN plants to care for.
I’d be very cross of our mum was gardening for a working person for free.

cptartapp · 30/08/2021 18:43

Who was mowing the lawn before her fall?

Booknooks · 30/08/2021 18:44

@oakleaffy

Gardening needs to be paid. If she was to fall at yours, the son could sue you.. she needs to have her OWN plants to care for. I’d be very cross of our mum was gardening for a working person for free.
But she doesn't have her own plants to care for as her son destroyed her garden, removed them all and put fake grass in.
plominoagain · 30/08/2021 18:44

I suspect that while you and she view gardening as a pleasure , he views it as a chore . Hence why he’s made her garden into an easy maintenance soul vacuum , and is probably also why he thinks you’re taking advantage.

Not that I think for one moment that he had any right whatsoever to do what he did , and certainly not to get so angry about it. None of that is acceptable in any shape or form.

KatyS36 · 30/08/2021 18:47

I don't think you are taking advantage from what you have said.

My mum, 82, has her own large beautiful garden which she manages herself and she does what she considers the enjoyable parts of mine when she visits.

Some people simply love pottering, pruning and weeding :)

Harleyband · 30/08/2021 18:47

You are doing a lovely thing for a neighbour. Her son sounds very controlling. Even if he think he's looking out for his mother's best interests, she is a grown and capable adult and should be allowed to make her own decisions- even if he disagrees with those decisions.

DingDongDenny · 30/08/2021 18:49

You sound like a lovely neighbour. I'm sure she really enjoys your friendship as well as the gardening

Her son on the other hand sounds like a total bellend. Was the house signed over to him or bought from the proceeds of your neighbours previous property by any chance?

TomorrowSomething · 30/08/2021 18:51

The son owns the house so he can do what he wants with it. She can't stop him.

It might not be as simple as this. If he doesn't live there he is her landlord with no rights to interfere this much.

Obviously being family complicates things but owning the house doesn't give his the right to be this controlling.

Being her son also doesn't give him that right if she's competent to decide for herself but she might allow him more leeway. He sounds like a bullying knob to me.

Dragongirl10 · 30/08/2021 18:51

YANBU, her son sounds like a bully, l am a keen gardener as are my elderly parents(in their 80's ) my father would be devastated to be told he couldn't garden.

As she asked to be able to garden in your place, no you should not pay her and she probably loves the company.

naturealwayswins · 30/08/2021 18:53

He sounds vile. A couple of hours a week or more isn't much for someone who is fit and loves gardening.

A caring person wouldn't have destroyed the garden or shouted at the OP.

I'm sure she would be offended to be offered payment but I would certainly continue to treat her to afternoon tea now and again and chat to her over a cup of tea in the house.

WitchBaby · 30/08/2021 18:55

I could maybe forgive the son for putting down disgusting fake grass to save on her/him mowing the lawn. But to pull up all her beautiful plants? What an absolutely horrible manAngry

You are not taking advantage of her OP. A bit of a potter, some company and a cuppa are probably doing her the world of good, unlike her son.

Chloemol · 30/08/2021 18:56

She requested, because of what he did to her garden

And that’s exactly what I would be telling him, she enjoys gardening and he has stopped her