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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm I taking advantage of my elderly neighbour?

108 replies

Raffleyourdoughnut · 30/08/2021 17:31

Sorry its a bit of a long one as I don't want to drip feed.

I live in a semi-detached house with good sized front and back garden. The front is just grass and the back has grass and some raised beds with plants and flowers.

My attached next door neighbour is a lady in her late 70s early 80s who now lives alone after her husband died last year. Earlier this year she had a fall (out shopping on her own) and when she was in hospital (she was in about a week as she had an infection unrelated to the fall) her son basically destroyed hard garden. She had grass at the front same as me but at the back she had lots of beautiful ground level plants and flowers and just a wee bit a grass. Her son removed all the grass and replaced it with artificial grass. He removed the plants/flowers and replaced them with artificial grass too. When my neighbours came home she was heartbroken.

So earlier this summer she asked me if she can look after my plants as she missed gardening. Even though my neighbour is elderly she actually have more mobility than I do. My neighbour has been doing bits and pieces in the back garden cutting plants and bushes etc a couple of hours a week each week all summer. As I'm working from home we sometimes stop and have a cup of tea together and a bit of a chat. She seems to be enjoying being able to the garden again.

My neighbour doesn't see her son very often and unfortunately when he came round earlier today, my neighbour was in my garden. He came round shouting about me taking advantage of his mother and that she is too old to garden and I should be paying her for doing my gardening for me. My neighbours seems to be a bit scared of him as she just left with him without saying goodbye. He is still at her house so I haven't spoken to her.

Am I taking advantage? I never thought to offer to pay her. I've taken her to a few garden centres to buy new plants and have afternoon tea, I bought a set so she could sit and garden and I've bought her some craft supplies that I thought she would like as a thank you but I've not given her money. Gardeners round our bit cost about £15 an hour so that's about £30 a week. Should I have paid her?

So not to drop feed. The son owns the house so he can do what he wants with it. She can't stop him. He won't let her have any plants/flowers in the garden (or inside) as he thinks she is to old to be gardening.

My older nieces cut my grass for me for pocket money. They could look after the plants too but my neighbours seems to enjoy doing it.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Raffleyourdoughnut · 30/08/2021 18:57

Sorry I managed to speak to her son when he was out the front smoking. He's here for an over night visit. He lives a few hours away and is in the city for work.

From what my neighbour has said I had thought he was a controlling twat. Now I'm not so sure. I asked him what the problem was given she likes pottering about my garden and she can do as much or little as she wants.

Apparently when her husband was in hospital before he died he asked the son to take care of his mum and have her live with him, his wife and grand children. Redoing the garden was in his mind one step closer to selling the house making it more marketable so she can move away to live with him. He doesn't want her to get too used to going to her clubs and hobbies again and then have to leave or get attached to my garden as she will be moving soon.

I told him that neighbour never mentioned moving or the reason behind the garden renovation. I thought he was just cruel and horrible to her. She always makes excuses why he did it. I don't think she really knows. I asked did she know that he promised his dad that she would live with him? He thought she did, that's why he has been sorting out his parents things ready for the move.

I told him I don't think she does as she talks about missing her grand children and wishes she sees them more. He said he would talk to her about it properly.

He appologised for shouting, he thought I knew she was moving as was trying to make her stayConfused. He also thought I made her cut the grass.

OP posts:
PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 30/08/2021 18:58

Not being able to garden is one of the things that really upsets my DGM now she isn't very mobile. Most things she's "well, age comes to us all" about, but she really misses gardening.

She supervises us, and if you set everything up so she can reach, she will still plant pots and hanging baskets.

It's more of a hobby than a chore for a lot of people.

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 19:01

Redoing the garden was in his mind one step closer to selling the house making it more marketable so she can move away to live with him

That’s a rookie error. Most people would look at all that fake grass and wonder how much it would cost to replace it.

He doesn't want her to get too used to going to her clubs and hobbies again and then have to leave or get attached to my garden as she will be moving soon

Are you buying that? I’m not.

Original poster
Raffleyourdoughnut · 30/08/2021 19:02

After my mum had a stroke before we know what the outcome would be my brother came up with a plan involving mum being in a home and dad living with my sister. He claims he spoke to dad about it first, however my dad only seemed to know anything about it when he got a call from the hospital OT asking about care homes. Thankfully mum has made a good recovery and doesn't even need help at home.

So giving him the benefit of the doubt, there could have been miscommunication.

OP posts:
viques · 30/08/2021 19:04

I am glad you and the son managed to have a conversation about his mum. Sounds as though both of you actually have her interests at heart. I hope she can continue to potter about in your garden for a lot longer, I have just come in from doing a bit of pottering in my own garden and I know how much I would miss having the opportunity to do so, and how much pottering helps my well being.

Make sure you have his contact details so you can get in touch f at any time you are worried about his mum, who sounds lovely btw.

speakout · 30/08/2021 19:05

Who puts down fake grass to make a house more appealing to buyers??????

Booknooks · 30/08/2021 19:06

If he genuinely has her interests at heart (ripping out her beloved garden without her knowledge with a view to forcing her to move when it sounds like she's happy where she is, is potentially questionable mind), then perhaps just explain that you have no expectations of how much she does, and she is free to do as little as she wants, but that she enjoys it and whilst she is happy to carry on you're happy to have her help.

Booknooks · 30/08/2021 19:07

@speakout

Who puts down fake grass to make a house more appealing to buyers??????
No idea, fake grass is hideous!
Kazplus2 · 30/08/2021 19:07

Could you offer to buy some pots and allow her to take some cuttings so she can still have a small amount of plants in her garden to tend. That way she gets a bit of benefit in her own garden but it's nothing permanent.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2021 19:07

@Blossomtoes

Redoing the garden was in his mind one step closer to selling the house making it more marketable so she can move away to live with him

That’s a rookie error. Most people would look at all that fake grass and wonder how much it would cost to replace it.

He doesn't want her to get too used to going to her clubs and hobbies again and then have to leave or get attached to my garden as she will be moving soon

Are you buying that? I’m not.

I agree with you Blossom. Something is off. He’s controlling your neighbour op. Surely she gets to decide where she lives. Or doesn’t she own a house as it’s been signed over to her son?
Original poster
Raffleyourdoughnut · 30/08/2021 19:07

Blossomtoes I am very cynical and presume everyone is at it so I don't know. He seems sincere but then again he could be a psychopath. I don't know.

I think she would love living with her grand children.

OP posts:
Purplewithred · 30/08/2021 19:08

Gardener here. If my son had destroyed my garden while I was in hospital I would be totally heartbroken, and if my neighbour had a garden that would benefit from my TLC and knowledge it would be a win win situation for me.

I think her son is a terrible bully.

Original poster
Raffleyourdoughnut · 30/08/2021 19:09

Fake grass is big around my area even the new houses being built have it. I'm the only one on my street who hasn't mono blocked or fake grassed the garden.

OP posts:
TonkinLenkicks · 30/08/2021 19:11

He sounds delightful. Imagine taking away one of the only things that brings joy to a persons life. Even if he is just being over protective and doesn’t want her to fall, he can’t stop her doing everything. I think it’s lovely she’s got you to do what she loves. He’s a twat.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2021 19:12

Let’s take a step back. He must know his mum loves gardening. So if she loves it, why would he take that away from her? He’s forcing his mother to move before she’s ready. If she’s well enough to look after herself this is controlling and wrong.

Why doesn’t she own her own house?

GinPin2 · 30/08/2021 19:14

By allowing her to do your garden @Raffleyourdoughnut, your are probably helping to keep her going.

My mum in Hampshire is 91 and potters in the garden for about 2 hours a day.
The middle child of 5, but there is only her and her 88 yr old sister left now. My auntie in Devon just sits all day and moans that every day is too long. My mum thinks that everyday is too shot. My money is on my mum outliving her sister.

TSSDNCOP · 30/08/2021 19:16

No you're not taking advantage. She enjoys it, it's a hobby and its sociable for her.

In your shoes, I'd be buying her the odd planted basket/tub for her hideous lawn as a thank you.

WitchBaby · 30/08/2021 19:18

Hmmm wonder if he does want her to move - to an old peoples home 😱

SalsaLove · 30/08/2021 19:21

@Bluntness100

The thing is the ops never going to post by neighbour is very frail so her son has her garden artificially turfed to make it better for her, she wanted it but was upset it has come to that. She was happy to do it bit in my garden so I’ve her in there knocking her pan in for two hours a week. The son saw what she was doing snd was upset, and I don’t offer to pay her or anything, I just let her crack on.
Good thing you’re here to rewrite the OPs post. I usually have a lot of time for you, Bluntness100, but you’re being ridiculous and argumentative.
spotcheck · 30/08/2021 19:24

Nah, her son is pulling your leg. Or trying to pull your heartstrings.
He wants to be able to rent it out to people who will pay full price. His 'gardening' is ensuring the yard is low maintenance for his own benefit.

So, he wants her to be isolated, bored and lonely until she moves? I don't buy his reasoning.
Ultimately though, she is a grown woman who can decide how she spends her time.

Perhaps get her a gift basket now and again/ takeaway vouchers etc?

CustardySergeant · 30/08/2021 19:27

@Raffleyourdoughnut

Fake grass is big around my area even the new houses being built have it. I'm the only one on my street who hasn't mono blocked or fake grassed the garden.
Good grief, I'm astonished. I don't like gardening and never do it (my husband loves it fortunately) but I certainly wouldn't like fake grass. I'm very appreciative of the flowers and vegetables my husband grows. I'm amazed that you're the only one on your street with real grass.
NotJuryDutyAgain · 30/08/2021 19:30

YANBU. You're allowing her to continue enjoying a hobby that she loves, for as long as it's possible.

I'd take a moment to remind her (as she surely already knows) that if she at any time feels that it's too much for her and she wants to do less or stop, she has only to tell you, and you'll take care of the rest or hire someone, etc. I'd mention it every so often, and keep an eye on her to be sure she's not over-exerting herself. But on the whole, I'd say you're doing a service by allowing her to continue gardening without having the burden of needing to do everything herself or pay someone to do it.

DGFB · 30/08/2021 19:32

Yanbu, what a horrible man. She is possibly lonely and also loves gardening. Sounds like you have a lovely friendship with her

Original poster
Raffleyourdoughnut · 30/08/2021 19:32

I just spoke to my neighbour, the son has went for a takeaway. I asked if she was ok? She said she was and that she is going to live with her son. A few years before her husband died the son and DIL asked them to move next to them and they would buy them another house. But her husband said no because he was on a bowling and darts team who needed him. She said she has been lonely since he passed and would love to see the grand children everyday.

I asked about the garden and the house why she doesn't own it. She has lived here longer than I have so at least 12 years. The son bought it for them as they used to live in a one bed flat and couldn't afford a bigger mortgage.

About the garden, she said she didn't understand why he had done it but thought he knew best as he was 'the head of the family'. My neighbour is very traditional about gender roles and has in the pasted expressed surprise that I own a home without a husband. She is lovely though. We left it at that.

I'm going to phone Hourglass tomorrow just encase as I don't know what to do or think.

OP posts:
Dibble135 · 30/08/2021 19:35

Hang on. I think the son needs to make up his mind. Either his mum isn’t fit for gardening or you should be paying her for doing yours. Which is it?

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