I'm I taking advantage of my elderly neighbour?

[Raffleyourdoughnut]

Sorry its a bit of a long one as I don't want to drip feed.

I live in a semi-detached house with good sized front and back garden. The front is just grass and the back has grass and some raised beds with plants and flowers.

My attached next door neighbour is a lady in her late 70s early 80s who now lives alone after her husband died last year. Earlier this year she had a fall (out shopping on her own) and when she was in hospital (she was in about a week as she had an infection unrelated to the fall) her son basically destroyed hard garden. She had grass at the front same as me but at the back she had lots of beautiful ground level plants and flowers and just a wee bit a grass. Her son removed all the grass and replaced it with artificial grass. He removed the plants/flowers and replaced them with artificial grass too. When my neighbours came home she was heartbroken.

So earlier this summer she asked me if she can look after my plants as she missed gardening. Even though my neighbour is elderly she actually have more mobility than I do. My neighbour has been doing bits and pieces in the back garden cutting plants and bushes etc a couple of hours a week each week all summer. As I'm working from home we sometimes stop and have a cup of tea together and a bit of a chat. She seems to be enjoying being able to the garden again.

My neighbour doesn't see her son very often and unfortunately when he came round earlier today, my neighbour was in my garden. He came round shouting about me taking advantage of his mother and that she is too old to garden and I should be paying her for doing my gardening for me. My neighbours seems to be a bit scared of him as she just left with him without saying goodbye. He is still at her house so I haven't spoken to her.

Am I taking advantage? I never thought to offer to pay her. I've taken her to a few garden centres to buy new plants and have afternoon tea, I bought a set so she could sit and garden and I've bought her some craft supplies that I thought she would like as a thank you but I've not given her money. Gardeners round our bit cost about £15 an hour so that's about £30 a week. Should I have paid her?

So not to drop feed. The son owns the house so he can do what he wants with it. She can't stop him. He won't let her have any plants/flowers in the garden (or inside) as he thinks she is to old to be gardening.

My older nieces cut my grass for me for pocket money. They could look after the plants too but my neighbours seems to enjoy doing it.

Aibu?

CustardySergeant I hate fake grass too. I'm a planner so I see dozens of housing development proposals each month, most have fake grass. 🙄

This poor old lady with such an abusive son. When visiting elderly care homes for work I often heard people saying how gardening keeps them fit and gives a purpose. You’ve done a nice thing and the son is an idiot that doesn’t care much.

Please carefully watch your lovely neighbour. Adult Children can get to the point of bullying when elderly people show signs of aging. As long as the elderly neighbour is fully cognisant she should be allowed to make her own choices. She was upset at the loss of her well tended garden. Her son did that without even consulting her. What else might he be doing? Some adult children think they have a right to inheritance before death. This could cause financial problems if the day comes that the elder person really does need help or a placement in a care home as they have been deprived of their assets even if it was under duress.
Please be vigilant about how your neighbour is around her son and how he treats her. Report anything you are uncomfortable with

@GrandmaSteglitszch

I suggest you just have her round to sit in your garden and supervise you doing the work. Or maybe she can do a little weeding of the raised beds, while seated.

You don't know what the son has been told about her health and about what may have caused the lady to fall.
So you don't want to chance her overdoing things in your garden, without you realising.

I suggest that you assume the son has his mother's best interests at heart and speak to him.
Tell him you will invite his mother to sit in your garden but you won't allow her to actually do work in it.

Or maybe allow the lady to decide for herself what she can(not) do? She's only late 70's / early 80's, and no suggestion she lacks capacity to make her own decisions

My MIL is that age, and would be most unhappy if my DH took it upon himself to dictate how she spends her day

I'm a planner so I see dozens of housing development proposals each month, most have fake grass. 🙄

Oh no.😱I've never seen the stuff anywhere - what area is using plastic grass en masse?

Sounds to me like the son is very controlling and has decided what’s best for his mother without consulting her .
From what you’ve described , I don’t think that you’re taking advantage of your Neighbour . Maybe discuss with them to clarify although she sounds afraid of him .
Tell her she’s welcome to garden in your garden as a hobby but otherwise your niece will do it

@PicsInRed

It sounds like coercive control - of the son over his mother. Now that the husband (his father?) is gone, he has ramped up the control over his mother and taken control of her largest asset and I would be very concerned for her.

BTW, classic projection from him about you taking financial advantage. It is he who is guilty of that.

I thought exactly this. I'm really surprised by the number of pp who think the son may have positive intentions. Obviously we are only hearing OP's side of the story, but even if he removed the garden with misguided positive intentions (which I find hard to understand) the fact that he shouted at OP, projected that she is taking financial advantage of her neighbour and that the neighbour left without saying goodbye all suggests bullying and possible abuse imo.

Gardening is known to be excellent for mental and physical health, and it sounds as though it was one of the few things this woman was still getting pleasure from following her husband's death.

OP, I hope you will continue to be friends with her, whatever happens with the garden. Though I personally think she should be making her own choices and you should absolutely continue to have her over. It sounds like you were helping her with lovely occupation and companionship at a difficult time.

On a tangent, we need to foster private gardens, lawns and plants as part of protecting and sustaining our planet.

@Raffleyourdoughnut

I just spoke to my neighbour, the son has went for a takeaway. I asked if she was ok? She said she was and that she is going to live with her son. A few years before her husband died the son and DIL asked them to move next to them and they would buy them another house. But her husband said no because he was on a bowling and darts team who needed him. She said she has been lonely since he passed and would love to see the grand children everyday.

I asked about the garden and the house why she doesn't own it. She has lived here longer than I have so at least 12 years. The son bought it for them as they used to live in a one bed flat and couldn't afford a bigger mortgage.

About the garden, she said she didn't understand why he had done it but thought he knew best as he was 'the head of the family'. My neighbour is very traditional about gender roles and has in the pasted expressed surprise that I own a home without a husband. She is lovely though. We left it at that.

I'm going to phone Hourglass tomorrow just encase as I don't know what to do or think.

Sorry, I missed this later update. You sound like a lovely neighbour OP.

@ittakes2

I feel very sorry for her. I wonder if he was given the house to avoid inheritance tax and now he is being controlling. I think she would value the friendship you are giving her over the money. You can offer it - I doubt she would accept it though. But I have to say yes gardeners are around £15 an hour but its unlikely she is a gardening as fast as a young gardener can.

Yeah it's not like she's going to be out with the hedge trimmer or anything.

Sounds to me as if son is hugely uncaring of his mum. Feel very sorry for her. No doubt he’s motivated by money and can only see this arrangement in terms of a transaction.
I don’t think you are in the wrong at all. She asked as she loves gardening and you’ve done small things in return. It gives her interest and some company and in place of the garden which her own son removed (what an absolute tosser).
I do think you are also getting a benefit obviously and could maybe step up what you do in return - whether that is some money or lunch out every now and then (which you might not want to do).
Speak to the son and to your neighbour.
Son sounds vile bully.

The son sounds like a controlling bully. My Mum was still cutting her own hedges into her eighties and only very reluctantly let me cut her large lawn for her. She loved her garden and would have been devastated and furious if anyone had destroyed her garden and put down fake grass. That was an act of pure vandalism.

It sounds like your neighbour gets a lot of pleasure from pottering in your garden. If it gets too much for her she won't do it anymore and this way she gets to do as much or as little as she wants as well as having your company. It seems a mutually beneficial arrangement and the son should not be throwing his weight around and shouting aggressively at you or his mother. I would be keeping an eye on her and if necessary call Age U.K. for advice if you think something is amiss.

The thing about fake grass is so sad - more people one more step away from nature. But no, you're not taking advantage and the son is treating his DM as if she's gaga. But as you say, she doesn't stand up to him. Sounds as if your arrangement suits you both, and you are very thoughtful.

@Bluntness100

The thing is the ops never going to post by neighbour is very frail so her son has her garden artificially turfed to make it better for her, she wanted it but was upset it has come to that. She was happy to do it bit in my garden so I’ve her in there knocking her pan in for two hours a week. The son saw what she was doing snd was upset, and I don’t offer to pay her or anything, I just let her crack on.

I've never seen you post anything other than negative comments to AIBU. I honestly don't think it would EVER matter what someone asks, you always present some wild claims to suit your narrative. It must be draining to be so spiteful in life! You're like the mumsnet token troll 🤣

I cannot imagine how traumatic it must have been for her to see her lovely garden dug up.

Garden's are living things a hugely personal to a gardener.

Poor woman.

@Blossomtoes

Does this excuse for a human being want to take every shred of pleasure out of her life? I feel so sorry for her. Not content with destroying her garden, now he’s trying to deprive her of the pleasure of pottering in yours and attempting to ruin her friendship with you.

No, you’re not taking advantage of her. Quite the reverse. You’re being her friend and making her happy. Please keep on doing it.

This. Her son sounds absolutely awful. I feel really sorry for her. He sounds controlling and nasty.

@Janaih

She offered, it gives her pleasure and you have given her gifts she enjoys and most importantly your time and friendship which is invaluable. She would probably be offended or at least upset if you offered money.

Her son sounds a piece of work but you would be wise to try and get on his good side if at all possible. Stress that she's only doing light gardening, you are on hand to supervise her and she enjoys it and you like her company. And you will tell her to stop if she does too much. Wouldn't surprise me if he suggests you pay him though!

I agree with this.

The son sounds abusive to me. Unless his mother doesn't have capacity to make decisions about her own welfare, she has a perfect right to do whatever she wants with her spare time, and that includes taking risks (eg gardening) if she wants to. I would honestly say she should be encouraged to talk to social services about her situation. I think she is being abused.

Her son sounds somewhat abusive to me ...

You are being lovely to your neighbour. She wants to garden and have company. You are providing both, and you take her on outings and have tea and conversation with her. You're not taking advantage at all.

Her son is a dick.

Son may need a hard prune himself.

I think it would be a good idea to have a chat with your elderly neighbour about the way her son reacted and just gently ask her how she feels about it.
Reassure her that whether she continues to potter in your garden or not she will always be welcome to come and enjoy it and have a coffee with you.

Depending on the outcome of the chat you could then approach the son and initiate a conversation by saying something like, I understand you have your mothers best interests at heart but she and I had a chat and (explain the outcome) and I also want to say I value you your mums friendship and as she grows older I’d hope to still be a part of her life.

(Let him know subtleties that she has a voice and a opinion and you will listen to her - you are staying around- that way if he is a control freak he will see that you’re not going to disappear)

@Clymene

I don't think the son has done this with good intentions at all. What kind of monster covers a beautiful garden with astroturf? Horrible stuff.

He sounds like a horrible bully and I would be worried about her.

Gardening is an absolute joy for many people. And she isn't old!

I agree with this.

What about taking her to the garden centre and get her to choose pots/plants that she can keep and tend in your garden? So she can have a bit of her in yours too.

He sounds horrible and controlling. Couldn't he wait until she has moved to destroy her garden? Is she sure she wants to live with him if she had an active social life before her fall? Gardening has proven mental and physical health benefits; this is no secret.

My sibling wouldn't let my DM (older and more frail, but still) drink coffee (one of her main pleasure at that stage) towards the end of her life, as he said it was 'unhealthy.'

He kept making her take baths in this up and down chair thing, even though she didn't want to, and it made her anxious. I kept telling him she needs her autonomy; he ignored me. It got to the point where I was kind of glad when she died as he controlled her so much, and denied her her small pleasures in life.

Tell her son to jog on, your neighbour asked if she could do some gardening and you said sure. She's a grown woman, he's no right to interfere FFS.

If he truly thinks she’s too old to be gardening then paying her wouldn’t change that.
I think she sounds like she’s enjoying doing the garden and the company at the same time. I’d keep treating her rather then paying in cash which I highly doubt she would take anyway.