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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm nasty since having our baby

104 replies

PricklyHog · 30/08/2021 16:39

Sorry posting for traffic!

Has anyone else experienced this?

I feel like since I've had our son (7 months), I have turned quite nasty. I hate it but I feel like I can't help it. It's mainly directed at my husband but I have no patience for lots of other people as well.

Everyone is just bugging me. And if me and DH have a minor disagreement it feels like I can't control myself with how I retaliate (not physically btw!), I have said some horrible things, things I feel like I'd never have said before. I feel actually venomous sometimes with how I talk to him when we disagree. It's horrible. But at the time I feel totally justified until I've calmed down. Multiple times I've packed up to leave with DS over the smallest of things until I've calmed down.

Sometimes he just annoys me without even doing anything wrong. And I've been questioning recently whether I actually still love him but at the same time not knowing what's changed from now and then.

I feel horrible, like I'm not a kind person anymore. I can only describe it as how I used to feel a few days before my period, annoyed and snappy, the smallest things getting under my skin, except this is worse and it's all the time.

I have all the love and patience in the world for DS but absolutely none for anyone else it feels like.

OP posts:
Shirleyphallus · 30/08/2021 16:42

Gently, this sounds like PND. Have you spoken to a HV or doctor about how you feel?

Original poster
PricklyHog · 30/08/2021 16:42

@Shirleyphallus

Gently, this sounds like PND. Have you spoken to a HV or doctor about how you feel?
No. I don't want anyone to think I'm a bad Mum to DS Sad
OP posts:
Marni83 · 30/08/2021 16:43

Tiredness and adapting to huge huge change to your life
And you witness fact that your husbands life hasn’t changed to quite the profound extent

It will likely pass

MissConductUS · 30/08/2021 16:43

It's probably your hormones adjusting. You should be screened for postpartum depression. Irritability and feelings of aggression are common symptoms of depression.

Talk to your GP or ob/GYN about it.

Incywinceyspider · 30/08/2021 16:44

How much sleep are you getting and how much support do you have with DS?

Original poster
PricklyHog · 30/08/2021 16:44

It's strange because I don't feel depressed. I go out with DS and I feel so happy. But it's like I just want it to be me and him if that makes sense and anyone else is just getting in the way.

OP posts:
GrandmaSteglitszch · 30/08/2021 16:45

They won't think you're a bad mum. They'll see you are looking after him brilliantly and you need help with your mood.

Original poster
PricklyHog · 30/08/2021 16:45

@Incywinceyspider

How much sleep are you getting and how much support do you have with DS?
Sleep isn't the worst but not the best either. He still has a couple of nights a week where he'll be up multiple times and it can throw me for a while. I do all the nights on my own as DH works early until late.

I can't say I don't have support though, he's happy to take over when he gets in and my parents have been brilliant.

I honestly can't pin point what it is.

OP posts:
SpicyJalfrezi · 30/08/2021 16:45

I have struggled with this since having a baby. It’s so unlike me. I mostly manage to suppress it but I have felt like I want to kill DP just because he’s there.

So no advice but solidarity.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2021 16:46

If you don’t get help things won’t improve. Do you want to keep your son’s family together? Your DH will reach his limit with this horrible abusing behaviour if he hasn’t already. If you don’t want him to leave you then get help ASAP and you need to be completely honest with your GP or HV.

You have no right to take your child away, he has two parents and your husband has the same rights to a meaningful relationship with him as you do.

WhensomeonementionsMN · 30/08/2021 16:46

Yep I can relate and my ‘baby’ is 10 🙈

Marni83 · 30/08/2021 16:47

Actually just readings about the multiple times packing up and leaving

That sounds quite extreme

What were you like pre children and your relationship

Did you have a tendency to pack up and leave before?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 30/08/2021 16:49

It sounds like you are tired. Its so overwhelming looking after a new person and all their demands that sometimes you just don't have time for other people and their demands and just want to be left alone.

RealMermaid · 30/08/2021 16:49

You should go to your GP. It might be PND but there's lots of other conditions that can cause mood swings after pregnancy such as post partum thyroiditis - surprisingly common and easily diagnosed with blood tests.

CorrBlimeyGG · 30/08/2021 16:50

There's no suggestion you are a bad mum, but you are being abusive towards your partner.

Please ask for help. It's OK to be unwell, it's not OK to hurt others when you fail to seek help.

Original poster
PricklyHog · 30/08/2021 16:51

@Marni83

Actually just readings about the multiple times packing up and leaving

That sounds quite extreme

What were you like pre children and your relationship

Did you have a tendency to pack up and leave before?

I'd sometimes leave if we argued and go for a drive yes.

I feel like I can't do that now with DS so sometimes I pack some things for him to take him with me to my parents but don't actually end up going.

My husband isn't perfect (no one is I know), I wouldn't say our disagreements are necessarily my fault, I do think he takes the piss with how he treats me sometimes. I feel a bit like he was expecting a 1950s housewife whilst I'm on maternity. But I can't seem to control how annoyed I get at him about it whereas I would have done before and would have been able to discuss things rationally.

I also get very defensive now about things I'd have taken no notice of before as well.

OP posts:
Arena5 · 30/08/2021 16:51

I think when you are so tired your emotional resilience takes a huge hit. So small things you officiously may have brushed off aw em disproportionately bad or infuriating. And it’s harder to react in a calmer way. So I do sympathise.

That said it does sound like something you would benefit from treatment for. No one will think you are a bad mum. The first year of a baby life is so incredibly hard. Plus you’ve had to deal with all the uncertainty and isolation that goes with a pandemic which itself is mentally wearing. The suggestion to speak to a health visitor or a GP was a really good one. But if that feels too big a step right now can you confide in a trusted friend or family member to begin with.

Wishing you all the best. The fact that you recognise your behaviour and want to change it is the main thing to focus on x x

Original poster
PricklyHog · 30/08/2021 16:54

The fact that you recognise your behaviour and want to change it is the main thing to focus on

I do recognise it definitely. But it seems uncontrollable at the time. I know if he wrote here about some of our arguments he'd be told to leave me.

OP posts:
GerardWay123 · 30/08/2021 16:54

It could be PND. It doesn't necessarily make you feel unhappy. I wanted to leave my DH & DS for no reason when I had DD. We're still a happy family 23 years later. Talk to your GP or HV they will help you through it.Xxx

SmileyClare · 30/08/2021 16:56

Have you discussed your feelings with dh (during a quiet calm moment)?

I have to agree that the poor man is bearing the brunt of your rages here, it's all fairly abusive and volatile. And not an atmosphere for a baby as he gets older. It's not great to model this behaviour to your son either.

Are you like this with your parents, you say they provide childcare and help out or other family and friends?

There will be no judgment from an HV or doctor if you tell them your symptoms. Of course, mothers suffering with PND or any sort of depression/anxiety aren't bad mothers!

It's very common, it's not your fault and there's help available. It sounds likely to be a hormonal imbalance.

Original poster
PricklyHog · 30/08/2021 16:56

I'll speak to the GP I think. My health visitor has basically been non existent. I've felt quite alone in all this in terms of professionals, I know it's been difficult due to the pandemic.

OP posts:
SpicyJalfrezi · 30/08/2021 16:56

The other problem is that it’s very hard to see a GP or HV at the moment.

Marni83 · 30/08/2021 16:57

@SpicyJalfrezi

The other problem is that it’s very hard to see a GP or HV at the moment.
Absolutely not a new mother suspecting pnd and worried I promise you they would prioritise
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 30/08/2021 16:57

I agree - you need to access support and get to the bottom of this if you want your family to stay together. Packing up your child and leaving frequently is not tolerable behaviour and eventually it'll break your DP. It's not something that a child should be subjected to either.

Maybe it's PND, maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's a consequence of exhaustion and resentment, but whatever it is, you can't go on this way, can you?

Echobelly · 30/08/2021 16:58

No one thinks PND makes you a bad mum or will judge you for it, please speak to someone. I remember being at periods intensely irrirtated with my cat(!) and my DH when DS was tiny, it must be exhausting to feel like that all the time - it's not normal, you can get help and asking for help will not have any negative ramifications. It has to be better than feeling as you do right now. Flowers