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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm nasty since having our baby

104 replies

PricklyHog · 30/08/2021 16:39

Sorry posting for traffic!

Has anyone else experienced this?

I feel like since I've had our son (7 months), I have turned quite nasty. I hate it but I feel like I can't help it. It's mainly directed at my husband but I have no patience for lots of other people as well.

Everyone is just bugging me. And if me and DH have a minor disagreement it feels like I can't control myself with how I retaliate (not physically btw!), I have said some horrible things, things I feel like I'd never have said before. I feel actually venomous sometimes with how I talk to him when we disagree. It's horrible. But at the time I feel totally justified until I've calmed down. Multiple times I've packed up to leave with DS over the smallest of things until I've calmed down.

Sometimes he just annoys me without even doing anything wrong. And I've been questioning recently whether I actually still love him but at the same time not knowing what's changed from now and then.

I feel horrible, like I'm not a kind person anymore. I can only describe it as how I used to feel a few days before my period, annoyed and snappy, the smallest things getting under my skin, except this is worse and it's all the time.

I have all the love and patience in the world for DS but absolutely none for anyone else it feels like.

OP posts:
thatsnotmyzoo · 30/08/2021 16:58

I was just like this OP, in hindsight I wasn’t well. I still don’t feel like I love anyone other than my DC. Like them yes, love them, no.

orangejuicer · 30/08/2021 17:00

PND.

I've been there. I didn't feel like me and I knew something was wrong.

Your GP can help.

SpicyJalfrezi · 30/08/2021 17:00

I wish I had your confidence @Marni83 but hopefully the OP is lucky!

GiveMeAUserName123 · 30/08/2021 17:01

Hormones, they take ages to leave the body. Your emotions can be erratic, sadness or anger, anything

thelegohooverer · 30/08/2021 17:01

We only talk about pnd but there’s far more to it than depression. I had antenatal depression and post natal anxiety - both are very normal types of hormonal dysregulation but I was only ever screened for pnd.

There is a huge range of mood disorders (including rage) There’s a good podcast interview here that might be worth a listen.

Original poster
PricklyHog · 30/08/2021 17:02

@thatsnotmyzoo

I was just like this OP, in hindsight I wasn’t well. I still don’t feel like I love anyone other than my DC. Like them yes, love them, no.
Yes I feel like this too. Like I couldn't possibly love anyone else. There's just no room for it it feels like. Don't know if that makes sense at all. Like honestly right now the only reason I'd care if me and DH split up is because I'd have to give up time with him. We were so in love before we had him, I don't understand.

Another thing that keeps tormenting me is I keep panicking DS will love my Mum more than me. That sounds so stupid written down but he's always so happy to see her and it makes me worry he'll prefer her to me.

OP posts:
Fncottonrrrrgh · 30/08/2021 17:02

I was saying the almost exact same thing to DH in tears yesterday. I don't feel like packing up and leaving however but I feel whilst having a baby has brought out the best in me in certain respects it has definitely brought out the worst! I think it's because I use all my my patience on baby and almost have a none left for anyone else Xxx

Original poster
PricklyHog · 30/08/2021 17:04

I'm just so worried about speaking to someone officially about it. What if they contact social services or something? Having issues with rage doesn't sound good around a baby does it even though I know I'd never ever hurt him.

OP posts:
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 30/08/2021 17:11

@PricklyHog

I'm just so worried about speaking to someone officially about it. What if they contact social services or something? Having issues with rage doesn't sound good around a baby does it even though I know I'd never ever hurt him.
They categorically won't. Mental health issues of some sort in new mothers are so, so, so common. And 99.9% of them are not the slightest risk to their baby. If GPs or HVs referred every new mother with mood or mental health issues that they saw to SS, they would literally do nothing else and SS would have to increase their workforce by a factor of 10.

Nothing you have said indicates that you are at all a risk to your baby. SS are stretched perilously thin already on cases of severe neglect and abuse. No medical professional will even remotely think about speaking to SS about you. These issues are so completely common and everyday. Really.

justasking111 · 30/08/2021 17:19

@PricklyHog

I'm just so worried about speaking to someone officially about it. What if they contact social services or something? Having issues with rage doesn't sound good around a baby does it even though I know I'd never ever hurt him.
Just say you're grumpy, snappy rage is a word I wouldn't use.
AliTheMinx · 30/08/2021 17:19

Sorry. I haven't RTFT, but wondered whether you have started a new contraceptive pill? I was switched to Microgynon post birth with devastating effects and it sounds like you describe. I took so much out on DH, yet had infinite patience with DS. As soon as I made the connection to the pill, I stopped taking it and was back to normal almost immediately. Some research on Microgynon showed this was sadly far from uncommon. It was really frightening. Sending a big hug xx

Arena5 · 30/08/2021 17:22

Agree with what buffysummer said. Plus it’s worth remembering you don’t have to completely bare your soul to your GP or HV. It’s important not to downplay what you are going through so you get the right help but you don’t have to repeat the arguments with your DP word for word to them. Perhaps you could practice what you want to say to them when seeking help x

Porcupineintherough · 30/08/2021 17:24

We if your dh was expecting you to morph into a 1950s housewife whilst his life continued unchanged I can see why you are pissed off tbh. Is he helping with the baby? Giving you a break?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/08/2021 17:27

There is absolutely no way you will get your aon taken off you. SS try and keep children of alcoholics and neglectful and emotionally absent parents with family, someone who is a bit snappy wont even be on their radar.

I felt a bit like this to be honest just very snappy and anxious about everything and I became very tit for tat, not wanting my husband to do anything nice because I couldn't, being resentful because I was breastfeeding etc. It only went away when my babies were a bit older and I started doing stuff for me again, seeing friends apart from babies and going into work etc and I sleep trained my baby. Getting a good amount of sleep made the world of difference to me

Mn753 · 30/08/2021 17:32

Are you breastfeeding? The hormones can make you dislike your husband as a form of contraception as your baby is so dependent on you. It will pass

coffeeisthebest · 30/08/2021 17:39

You are pissed off because your husband was expecting a 1950s house wife and he hasn't got one but expects you to be one? You're not depressed, you are angry. That's ok. It sounds to be like you are trying to find better boundaries with your partner in your relationship. Establish what you want and need and make sure you voice it to him. If he doesn't like it then rethink again. Don't just assume you are mentally ill because you are angry. You have gone through a massive life change when you had your baby and now everything needs to reshuffle. Also, other people might just be getting on your wick because you are just happy with your baby. Sometimes chatting with other Mums can be challenging and turn into a comparison yawnfest. Enjoy your precious time with your child.

Happyhappyday · 30/08/2021 17:44

Agree it sounds like PND. Would definitely advise seeing someone. Re folks thinking you’re a bad mum, getting help for a mental health problem makes you a GREAT mum. I was having borderline suicidal thoughts & asking DH if we could please give away DD because clearly we had ruined our lives and lots of people want babies so wouldn’t it just be better etc & no one, health professional or otherwise suggested I was a bad parent.

I do think the feeling of touched out is super normal, especially if you’re breastfeeding. And your partner is always going to be the one who takes the brunt of that. Even nearly 3 years on I feel like that fairly often.

OchNoAgain · 30/08/2021 18:00

I had this with both of my children, the first year or so I just hated my husband. He could do nothing right and I had elaborate fantasies of moving out with the DC. It did pass. It was worst with the first child and I was expecting it with the second so it wasn't quite so bad. I'm about to have my 3rd and anticipating the same. At least I know to expect it and hopefully it will pass after the first year again.

I googled 'why do I hate my husband after baby' and that sort of thing endlessly and it seems like it is a very widespread thing. People don't tend to talk about it but I have had a few friends say the same to me.

For me it was a combination of lack of sleep, hormones, change in roles/expectations etc.

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/08/2021 18:11

There was a woman on a R4 about PND and she said a lot of women don’t go to the gp because they worry SS will take the baby off them but they don’t, the most they’ll do is take you both to a mother and baby unit for supervision but that’s only for mums who are having thoughts of harming the baby. They know it does no good to separate a child from its mother.

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 30/08/2021 18:28

@PricklyHog

I'm just so worried about speaking to someone officially about it. What if they contact social services or something? Having issues with rage doesn't sound good around a baby does it even though I know I'd never ever hurt him.
I worried so much about this too OP. But the doctor was so understanding. I swear I was like no I cant tell ANYONE. Postpartum rage. It's the worse feeling with the guilt. The GP can help and they might put you in touch with local organisations. It won't be anything they haven't heard before.
MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 30/08/2021 19:37

I suffered from postpartum anxiety and rage episodes after DC2, it did not in any way make me a bad mum (don’t like the suggestion that it does, though I’m sure you don’t mean it to come across like that). I asked for help early on and was referred within a couple of weeks, can’t fault the NHS and this was last year during the very worst of the pandemic. No one will judge you for seeking help, that’s why the mental health services are there.

Original poster
PricklyHog · 30/08/2021 20:24

I didn't mean to suggest it makes anyone a bad Mum. Just that I'm worried people will think I am if I talk about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PricklyHog · 30/08/2021 20:25

Thanks for all the replies. I think I'll ring the GP in the morning.

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1990 · 30/08/2021 20:32

@PricklyHog

Sorry posting for traffic!

Has anyone else experienced this?

I feel like since I've had our son (7 months), I have turned quite nasty. I hate it but I feel like I can't help it. It's mainly directed at my husband but I have no patience for lots of other people as well.

Everyone is just bugging me. And if me and DH have a minor disagreement it feels like I can't control myself with how I retaliate (not physically btw!), I have said some horrible things, things I feel like I'd never have said before. I feel actually venomous sometimes with how I talk to him when we disagree. It's horrible. But at the time I feel totally justified until I've calmed down. Multiple times I've packed up to leave with DS over the smallest of things until I've calmed down.

Sometimes he just annoys me without even doing anything wrong. And I've been questioning recently whether I actually still love him but at the same time not knowing what's changed from now and then.

I feel horrible, like I'm not a kind person anymore. I can only describe it as how I used to feel a few days before my period, annoyed and snappy, the smallest things getting under my skin, except this is worse and it's all the time.

I have all the love and patience in the world for DS but absolutely none for anyone else it feels like.

Contact a gp for sure and try to communicate with your DP how you're feeling as I felt this helped me with my DP. We'd discuss how I was feeling no matter how strange or unreadable it might seem. Much better than them just thinking your a horrible person etc
OchNoAgain · 30/08/2021 20:37

Yes I agree with being honest with your DP. I've already prewarned my DH that I completely lose all sense of rationality and calm in the months after having a baby and that it will likely be the same this time.