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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To teach DS a life lesson or just let it go…

115 replies

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 30/08/2021 14:52

DS14 is a capable all-round student, but a bit lazy. He dislikes a particular subject, has decided he doesn’t want to study it and not surprisingly, performed poorly in his summer exam.

Teacher suggests he still aims for higher level in his state exams in 2 years (he could drop to lower level, which is an easier course, but cannot drop the subject entirely). In fact, in our schooling system it’s something he must study until he finishes secondary school (won’t be hard for some to guess the country, but not UK obviously). So once he drops to lower level that’s where he’ll stay for the next 5 years.

My dilemma is this….

Do I agree he can drop levels (despite being capable) or seek to teach him a life lesson - insist he sticks with higher level and pay for extra tuition which he will both hate and resent me for.

I’m torn, please help!

OP posts:

TeenMinusTests · 30/08/2021 14:55

What are the implications of going with lower level only, or conversely of failing at the higher level?

Excelthetube · 30/08/2021 14:56

Well it’s not really a life lesson if you pay for extra tuition for him is it.
It’s a bit of, if I don’t put my back into it, my mum is going to force me to learn more by paying.

If he’s not academic then just let him drop.

Savoretti · 30/08/2021 14:56

Agree with above poster. It’s very difficult to comment without knowing what the subject is and its implications on further study

Guavaf1sh · 30/08/2021 14:57

I wouldn’t. The consequences are disproportionate

Anoisagusaris · 30/08/2021 14:59

Am I right in guessing you are in Ireland and it’s Irish?? I think its a subject that if you are poor at it, it’s very difficult to just work hard and do well. If it’s just that he genuinely was lazy and is well capable of performing better, than would you encourage him to do higher level for JC, or even 2nd year, and then decide??

Belleager · 30/08/2021 15:00

If it's maths, he's restricting future options a bit by going with lower level.

If it's ... another possible subject ... not so much, but still some consequences.

Would he not be better off sticking with higher level until he sits intermediate level exams? That leaves less to do for a good grade at lower level later. And if the teacher is happy for him to keep going at higher level at school, I don't think you need to pay for additional tuition. Plan to drop a level later but not drag out five years bored at lower level might make sense to him too.

MissConductUS · 30/08/2021 15:01

My son really struggled with French, partly because of a learning disability. We let him drop it as soon as he met the minimum requirement, as it was just a pointless struggle for him. The only risk was that it made his transcript a bit less attractive in applying to uni. He got into a very good one anyway and has done very well. He's just started his last year at uni and already has a good job offer for when he graduates next sping.

Let him drop and focus his time and energy elsewhere.

GreenWhiteViolet · 30/08/2021 15:01

If he honestly dislikes the subject, let it go. Let him do the lower level. Why turn this into a battle that he'll hate and resent you for, just to make some kind of point? It isn't that important. What you don't want is him getting disillusioned with the very idea of schooling and giving up on putting any effort into any subject.

There were subjects I loathed at school and thankfully with the English system I could give them up at 14. Having to keep doing one of those would be bad enough, without being forced to have extra tuition in something I hated.

The one thing that might be an issue is if it's something like maths and having a lower level qualification might limit opportunities later in life - but if this is the case, and you want him to succeed in it, work with him to see the value in it instead of imposing things on him as a sort of punishment for not having tried as hard as you'd like him to.

Tiana4 · 30/08/2021 15:03

You can't make your DC aged 14 study at a subject he hates. Hopefully it's not core subject like English and maths are core subjects in Uk. If it is, I'd be saying to dc you'll not get the job you want... and have difficulty in choice of job, what can we do to make it easier to bear?

At age 14 teens are very wilful and want to have control. Don't try to fight a battle you won't win by forcing him but instead by negotiating and recognising he thinks this subject is painful and worse than poop. If he's talking maths and he hates maths, then many people will understand his POV! But it is useful.... I couldn't stand matrices so never studied that part for maths exams and still passed well. As a mardy teen I was prepared to die on that hill !! (of matrices!! ) but I needed maths to go on to study sciences at uni and do use at least stats and numerical data in my job and in my degrees courses

Porcupineintherough · 30/08/2021 15:03

Depends on the subject really, and the implications it has for work/further study.If, for became, its maths - he really needs to work at it. If it's religious studies maybe not.

fairlygoodmother · 30/08/2021 15:04

How much will it affect his future options? If it’s a lot, have you discussed it and made sure he’s aware of the implications?

It’s difficult because if he’s the type of person to not do the work if he doesn’t want to, he won’t do well and that might be worse. But then he might not to well in the lower level class either.

If he’s not capable of doing well without extra tuition, though, maybe the higher level class isn’t for him.

In short, I don’t know either. If he is capable of doing well and the subject is important, I’d maybe try bribery.

Notaroadrunner · 30/08/2021 15:06

No point forcing him. Is he doing any other higher level subjects that will help achieve good points? Has he anything in mind to do when he is finished his LC (assuming Ireland)? If so is this subject necessary for college entry to courses he may be interested in? I wouldn't want to waste money on grinds if you know he's not going to put the effort into this subject. He will possibly fall behind on other subjects as a result of pushing himself to study this subject.

WhistlersandJugglers · 30/08/2021 15:06

I'm guessing it might be either Maths or Irish for the Junior Cert. If it is then doing higher level for the next two years and dropping back to ordinary level in 5th year is a good option. It makes doing the hated subject much easier for the Leaving and gives you more time for the other subjects.

Tiana4 · 30/08/2021 15:08

Also it's worth considering if it is the teacher of subject he hates?

My DD went from loving Maths (for eg) to hating it bc it turned out she was being bullied by the maths teacher who didn't explain but mocked her . She went from predicted 8 to predicted 4-5 by this teacher- who was down marking her. She got a 7 but I considered getting a maths tutor , but once she told me- instead we found online lessons (ask head of maths in school what they recommend) and I taught her some (except matrices as nobody need to learn that!! )

Notaroadrunner · 30/08/2021 15:09

@Notaroadrunner

Sorry I see he's only 14, therefore not heading into LC cycle. I'd let him drop to lower level and tell him to focus on higher level in the subjects he likes/is good at.

AChickenCalledDaal · 30/08/2021 15:14

In similar circumstances we pushed for DD2 to sit higher tier GCSE Maths, because in terms of innate ability, she ought to be able to access the higher level grades. But as it turns out, year 11 was pants and maths was even more pants then anything else. If she'd dropped to Foundation, she'd probably have scored one grade higher than she actually did. And since she's heading for solid Arts subjects at A Level, I do wonder if we made the right choice.

If he's going to have a decent range of other subjects, and this one subject isn't going to hold him back, I'd probably let it go.

achara · 30/08/2021 15:15

Just presuming it's Irish. Better to get points in Higher level subjects he likes. Also be careful for some colleges it is a requirement so better to pass lower level and have it so that he has more options.

douliket · 30/08/2021 15:20

Ahhh just let him drop to ordinary level in the Irish.
If it this much hassle already and he hates the subject, let him do the ordinary rather than waste his time. Let him focus on the subjects he likes.
There is no life lesson here at all.
He never chose to do Irish, it was forced upon him, what do you think you are possibly teaching him by forcing him to waste time doing the higher lever

CrackerGal · 30/08/2021 15:21

Wondering if it's Irish too?
That's not the impression I was given by my kids both in exam years ... they say they were told if you do ordinary at junior cert it doesn't stop you from doing higher at leaving cert in the same subject. Might depend on the school?

CrackerGal · 30/08/2021 15:23

It wasn't Irish specifically that I was discussing with my kids though!

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 15:23

He keeps Irish on at honours level. It’s not difficult, he’s just being lazy.

Anoisagusaris · 30/08/2021 15:28

@PallasStrand you can’t say it’s not difficult. Some people find it difficult - I did, and I had no problem with higher level in all my other subjects. The OP needs to decide if he is just lazy or if he genuinely struggles. Even if it’s the latter, I think many kids could get through JC but not LC

Belleager · 30/08/2021 15:31

Also if going into year 2, are they just starting streaming? And will there be a new teacher? I'd give it a go if so - well I would anyway. But these things may help.

If you talk to him about doing honours level now so that he can relax and ace his other subjects at leaving cert (all assuming Ireland) he may see the logic of that and may end up sticking with it. Shifting friendship groups, different teaching, maybe a summer in the Gaeltacht could make a big change. It's early days and if he's not struggling generally, bit of a waste to drop it.

It's true there's nothing stopping you from doing ordinary at junior cert and higher at leaving cert in theory, but he'd have to be very motivated and fill in some gaps himself, I'd expect - schools aren't set up for traffic in that direction. So if he'll need higher level later, no way he should drop it now.

SMabbutt · 30/08/2021 15:32

Why not get him to look at the impact of dropping to the lower level. Say before he makes a decision you want him to list the benefits and problems of staying at the higher level and the same for dropping down. So staying positives may be to do with future education or employment and being with his mates for support in study. Negatives could include restrictions on opportunities, stress or too much work impacting his chosen subjects. Dropping a level may be that it frees time for subjects he needs for future education, it has no impact on his employability etc. At least that way any decision is made with full understanding of the consequences. Also link it to an undertaking to use the reduced expectations in one subject to allow them to focus on at least one other subject with a realistic target of what actions he will be taking and aims to achieve.

godmum56 · 30/08/2021 15:33

What use will the subject be to him in later life? ....and also what use will the higher level be to him in later life? I am really not sure what even good tutoring will do if his heart isn't in it? Does he have any lind of career or leaning in mind and how will the lower grade level affect that? I do get the sensitivity if its a national language issue but even then surely his views should be taken into account....I would use the "hill metaphor here but it seems innapropriate...so I will just ask if its worth the disagreement....I mean it may be you who gets the life lesson about what its sensible to spend your money on?

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