Page 9 | Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

ConeyIsland23 · 2021-08-30T11:28:26+00:00

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

Kithic · 30/08/2021 16:13

How long have you been dating?
When do you plan to marry?

IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 16:17

Mumsnet ageism rears its head again. Some of these comments make me want to laugh. Not to mention talking to the OP as if at 22 she can't possibly know her own mind - patronising much?

The OP made the choice to start this thread asking for strangers' opinions of her relationship.

As for 'ageism', I'd call it realism. I'm 15 years older than the OP's man, so to me he seems quite young. However, if I was 22, he'd seem like an old man, which relatively speaking, he would be.

Some people like to pretend that 'age is just a number' and that you could get sick at any age etc. But the reality is that age is not just a number and there's a reason why age gap relationships are fraught with issues. Everyone is open about this on the rare occasions when the woman is older, but when it's the other way around, we're mean to pretend it doesn't exist.

Frogglet · 30/08/2021 16:18

Why can't you live together for a few years first? How long have you been together?

HairyMaryMyCanary · 30/08/2021 16:20

If 'talking to your parents' can make you doubt whether or not you should marry, you clearly are not ready.

15 years isn't much between adults, but it would be more comfortable when you were 30 and he 45, and far less comfortable when he's 75 and you're only 60.

PineappleTart · 30/08/2021 16:20

I'd not be too worried about the age gap but I'd advise you to wait a few years before you get married. 22 is your

PineappleTart · 30/08/2021 16:20

*young

1forAll74 · 30/08/2021 16:21

I don't think you should be swayed by other peoples opinions on this. A bigger age difference between people and them getting married, can, in lots of cases, work out well, It all depends on maybe the maturity of the younger person, and what they really feel about the older person, and their realistic thoughts about things in the future.

Having said this, My late ex Husband married a woman who was 20 years younger than he was.He was fifty at the time, and the woman was 29.

In my opinion, she snared him at the time, which was quite unbelievable at the time, as he was very much his own person, successful in business and quite wealthy.. It was some time, until he realised that she suffered with manic depression, and was a gold digger, Always wanting everything, wanting to spend money, and go on exotic holidays frequently, and all the rest.

They had a child, and this caused her to go into her manic episodes, as she seemed to not want to care for a baby. The baby was only 2lbs in weight at birth, and had to have special care for quite some time. My late ex used to have to travel to different countries at times for his job, and his wife totally resented this, now that she had a poorly baby at home.

My ex cared for their little son,much more than his wife did. She did not work and they had a beautiful home,with all the expensive things that she had chosen in it.. But then, one day,my ex had a serious stroke.. and his wife said she didn't want to look after him, and said she wanted a new house for herself, at it was too stressful, to look after her Husband. She got her new home, bit still demanding money all the time.

They separated. Myself and ex, had decided to stay friends all this time, but I could always see, that my ex was always stressed up, whenever I saw him, His wife was quiet relentless in her demands still and it had a bad affect on him all the time.

He had two more strokes over the years, the last one resulted in his death seven years ago.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 30/08/2021 16:23

I think 22 is too young to marry full stop.

Re. age gaps - I don't have much experience. The largest age gap amongst my friends is the dh 9 years older than the dw. He sort of pressured her into having children before she was ready because he was that bit older. He's now retired and she's still working full time and actually re-training for a new career. They are happy but their lives are quite different.

IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 16:25

In my opinion, she snared him at the time, which was quite unbelievable at the time, as he was very much his own person, successful in business and quite wealthy.. It was some time, until he realised that she suffered with manic depression, and was a gold digger, Always wanting everything, wanting to spend money, and go on exotic holidays frequently, and all the rest.

She 'snared' him? How? Presumably he chose to marry her. She didn't cast a spell on him or anything, did she?

As for the 'gold digger' accusation, well to be frank, if a much younger woman marries a wealthy 50 year old divorcee, there's a good chance it's not because she's madly in love with him. Men in their 50s are rarely attractive to women in their 20s, unless they have something special to offer. Like money.

PrincessNutNuts · 30/08/2021 16:28

I think we need to know how long you've been together OP.

And if there is a power dynamic. Is he senior to you at work or has he been involved in your education or training?

Also, sorry, but has he been involved with 22 year olds before?

@ConeyIsland23

ittakes2 · 30/08/2021 16:28

The age gap is an issue for some people and not for others - its more that will you realise when you are in your 30s that you missed out on doing 20 something things.
At 22 the decision making part of your brain is not fully developed - its not until you are about 25. Until you are 25 the decision making part of your brain largely sits in in an impulse side part of your brain.
But you do you - its your life and you should lead it how you want.

rheafern · 30/08/2021 16:32

That’s the age gap between MIL and FIL. She left university to be a SAHM to 4. Later in life, with teenage children to raise, she deeply regretted not having a career when he lost his top engineering job. He became emotionally abusive and she couldn’t leave him. Even my DH says his dad “groomed” his mum to be the wife he wanted. FIL became very controlling over time, also with money. MIL has been looking after him for the last 5 years not being able to really enjoy her old age while she still has the energy to do it (she’s 72). He once jokingly commented that BIL was right to marry someone 12 years younger; that this was better than insurance and he would have a carer for later in life. I would definitely advise my daughter against it and also against already planning to leave her career aside. Do you know why he is still single? Nothing wrong with that but his history can give you clues about possible issues if you haven’t been together long enough. What age were you when you started going out with him?

bringincrazyback · 30/08/2021 16:37

The OP made the choice to start this thread asking for strangers' opinions of her relationship.

She didn't ask to be patronised, though.

As for 'ageism', I'd call it realism. I'm 15 years older than the OP's man, so to me he seems quite young. However, if I was 22, he'd seem like an old man, which relatively speaking, he would be.

I get what you mean, but the problem with realism is that reality means different things for different people.

Some people like to pretend that 'age is just a number'

I know. I'm not one of them (I'm roughly the same age as you btw). An age gap does need to be thought about carefully, but some on here seem to be adamant that it can never work, and that's just not true. Some age-gap relationships work and others don't, but I think that's far more down to personalities and circumstances than age per se.

Paint69 · 30/08/2021 16:39

I don't think you are too young to want children and get married (unlike the majority of mumsnet who think it's unacceptable to have children unless you're in your late 30's). However I asked DH (I'm 32, he is 36) and he said he couldn't imagine being with someone that young and that it wouldn't feel right. How long have you been with him and what have his previous partners been like?

PleasantBirthday · 30/08/2021 16:42

Some age-gap relationships work and others don't, but I think that's far more down to personalities and circumstances than age per se.

I agree that clearly some can work but I am extremely sceptical about relationships with such an imbalance, not just of age but of experience, income and education. A middle aged doctor finds a student to go out with and rushes her into marriage? Scoobydubious to me anyway.

Paint69 · 30/08/2021 16:42

I got married at 21 btw but waited until 30 for our first DC

Hairbrush123 · 30/08/2021 16:43

I am 25 and my DP is 34. I’ve been dating him since I was 21 and he was 30 however we aren’t married yet but I’d like to get married. How long have you been seeing him? Have you lived together? What stage in your life are you in? These are all big deciding factors for longevity of the relationship.

Those talking about “experiencing your 20s” what can’t you do in your 30s that you seem to only be able to do in your 20s? My DP and I absolutely love travelling, we share similar interests, neither of us want children as we are enjoying life so much however have agreed if we did want some - I wouldn’t want them in my 20s. We bought a house together too and I’m happier than I’ve ever been as he’s completely changed my life! Most of my friends and family think he’s a similar age to me and I often forget how old he is until something asking for his date of birth pops up.

I don’t think you are too young to get married but don’t rush it either. Live with each other first, have a long engagement, make sure you know this is what you want. I’ve been with my partner for four years and I know now that I want to be with him for the rest of my life.

toomuchlaundry · 30/08/2021 16:43

How long have you been together?

IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 16:44

She didn't ask to be patronised, though.

I don't see that she's being 'patronised'. It's not our fault tha she's given us very little info to work with. The fact is that she's a very young woman marrying a much older man, and there's no way there isn't a very significant gap in life experience there.

An age gap does need to be thought about carefully, but some on here seem to be adamant that it can never work, and that's just not true. Some age-gap relationships work and others don't, but I think that's far more down to personalities and circumstances than age per se.

Statistically, age gap relationships do have a higher divorce rate. Which isn't to say they can never work, but in this particular case, with a woman just starting out on adulthood and prepared to make herself financially dependent on a middle aged man, I'd say there are reasons to be extremely cautious.

bringincrazyback · 30/08/2021 16:45

Assuming the both retire at 65, by the time OP retires, her husband will be eighty. That's a considerable difference and the lifestyles of people in their eighties are generally very different to those of people in their mid-sixties.

Not always. It depends on the individual couple, as I've maintained throughout.

@icedcoffees I wouldn't presume to try and guess as to your own age, but the reason I made the bus pass comment is that all too often I see people making ridiculous generalisations on here about 'older' people and in some cases people really do talk out of the their arses and make quite offensive assumptions.

The OP asked for perspectives and she's getting them, but some on here seem over-invested in talking her out of the whole idea, and that's going too far imho.

MrsCremuel · 30/08/2021 16:47

There’s a 14 year age gap between my parents, they are happy and it’s caused no issues. 10 years between me and DH, again no issues and happy.

bringincrazyback · 30/08/2021 16:49

I don't see that she's being 'patronised'.

When people are putting quote marks around 'deeply in love' as if she couldn't possibly know her own feelings at 22, and when her partner is being accused of 'grooming', I'd say she definitely is.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/08/2021 16:49

How long have you been together

Do you live together

Great not married or any kids

But

Does he want them now

So would it be a long engagement say 3yrs or so

Or married ASAP

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 30/08/2021 16:52

I'm a bit bemused that an unmarried 22-yr-old with no DCs would consider MN the first port of call for a relationship question ... or any question. Not to disparage MN - obviously I'm posting here - but it wouldn't have crossed my mind to come to MN asking for 'stories' about other's relationships when I was 22 unless I was a wannabe journalist with limited initiative and resources.
I'm in an age-gap relationship. It works for us. My friend was in one - it didn't work for her. There's no one-age-gap-fits-all rule for relationships.

IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 16:57

@bringincrazyback

I don't see that she's being 'patronised'.

When people are putting quote marks around 'deeply in love' as if she couldn't possibly know her own feelings at 22, and when her partner is being accused of 'grooming', I'd say she definitely is.

I don't think people are questioning her 'feelings' so much as pointing out that 'feelings' aren't in themselves an adequate basis for a lifelong commitment like marriage.

I don't recall seeing the word 'grooming' mentioned, but many older men do like the power trip of being with much younger women who they think they can 'mould' to their preferences. Some posters have given their own experience of this.

In any case, the OP doesn't seem much interested in contributing to her own thread or giving us more info on which to make informed comments, so I'll not worry overmuch about her being 'patronised'.