Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

[ConeyIsland23]

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

@Porcupineintherough

However lovely he is, such a huge age gap will cause endless issues and sacrifices in a life partner (and they will mainly be yours). If you were my dd I'd strongly advise you think again.

Ah, MN hysteria at its finest.

Name ONE issue or sacrifice you believe OP is going to suffer for being in a mutually loving relationship with a 15 year age gap, Porcupine.

I think if you’re questioning whether it’s a good idea you should hold off a few years. I wish I had listened to my doubts.

Also, if you do go ahead please do not become a SAHM and I say this as one. I tell anyone I meet who are getting married not to give up their job ever even if you just go part time.
My previous employer was a Dr, his wife was a Dr also but gave it up to became a SAHM and I always felt sorry for her, the way he used to yell down the phone at her particularly if she didn’t pick up immediately when he called. He left horrible messages on her voicemail. I used to think why did she go through all that training to give it up?

I’d ask myself why a 37 year old wasn’t marrying a 30something doctor.

It’s not necessarily wrong. How long have you been together? Do you need to jump into marriage and children, maybe just live together for a while?

Apologies op but can't be bothered to read through 220+ answers, so I'll just give my twopennies worth.

My best friend from childhood, is 54, she's been with her partner who is 76 for the last 20 years.
It works for them.

How long have you been together?

If less than 2 years - I’d say it’s too early to get married.

If more than 2 years - I’d ask what was someone in his mid 30s doing getting together with a teenager.

I hope the answer is less than 2 years, in which case my view is give it another couple of years and then get married if it’s all still rosy.

@icedcoffees I wouldn't presume to try and guess as to your own age, but the reason I made the bus pass comment is that all too often I see people making ridiculous generalisations on here about 'older' people and in some cases people really do talk out of the their arses and make quite offensive assumptions.

I'm 32, so not far off the 37 you referred to as "not bus pass age", lol.

I don't think 37 is old but it is a fair bit oldER than 22. And while at OP's current age it may not seem to be a big deal, as they both get older, the age gap could will only get more and more obvious.

Just from my personal view, I wouldn't want to still have 15+ years left to work while my DH was home all day long enjoying his retirement. I wouldn't want to be only just retiring when my husband was in his eighties.

Unfortunately, age means change, whether we like it or not. As I said it in one of my earlier posts - my dad is nearly 70 and I can see such a difference in him compared to when he retired (early) at sixty. He's super active for his age but you can still see the changes, both physically and in his mindset too.

If, when your partner is in their seventies, you're only in your early fifties, that can start to cause problems. Not for everyone, of course, but it's worth thinking about imo.

I wouldn’t use PP referencing relationships of parents, Uncles etc working out with similar age gps and happy for 44 years because things were very different 44 years ago.

I think you are very young to get married, what’s the rush? As others have asked, how long have you been together? Have you lived together for over a year? Living together is totally different to just being together.

You’ve said he’s a doctor which makes a bit more sense as I know a couple of doctors who married “later” because studying and starting their career as a doctor takes so much time and dedication but it does also mean that you have an even more imbalanced power dynamic.

I’m not saying don’t do it, just be very careful and try and listen openly to the people who actually know and love you.

I wish you happiness, ConeyIsland, whatever you decide.

My cousin was very happy for over twenty years with a man seventeen years her senior and it only ended because he had cancer and died. They had a wonderful life.

I'm pleased to say, after a few years, she got together with someone else, similar age to herself though that is not relevant, and has been happy ever since.

For some people age differences matter little and for others, it's extremely important. I'm sure at 37 he is very youthful. You at 22 are still very young.

All I am going to say is wait a bit longer before committing. Another year will make little overall difference but will be time enough for you to be as sure as one can be.

My parents were 10 years apart in age - apparently my dad was the most against it and they did break up due to it, however then met up again a year or so later and got married the following month saying their feelings hadn't changed so what did it matter what others thought

They were happily married for almost 44 years.

However I would say in the last 5-6 years my dad aged massively and the age seemed far more apparent then. My mother was widowed 2 weeks after retiring - dad had been retired for a long time by then

It's not necessarily the large age gap that is the problem but how young you are. I think a 22 year old is likely to grow out of the relationship in a way that might not happen if both parties were older.

You are unsure , because if you wasnt you wouldnt ask on here

Are you really going to make up your mind about marrying him based on a bunch of strangers?

It's not so much the gap, it's that you're very young and will have little to no independent means of support (probably, unless a prodigy or an heiress) to fall back upon, if things go wrong.

Give it five years. Establish yourself in a career and in life. If you still want to marry him and have kids at that point, do it.

If you find you don't, you'd both still be of an age to find other partners (given the different biological clocks of men and women), to marry and have kids with. 27 would still be really young and give you a good five years in hand, to find the right man at leisure, not in a rush and get to the starting a family stage. He could do this at any time in his 40s.

In my case, my DH is ten years younger than me. Let me be honest, this is a complication. I would expect to die earlier, I will be returned earlier, and he may spend some time looking after me. All these however are ifs buts and maybes. We are fine, have been together more than 20 years, have two great DC and I would not swop him for the world. IMO, all relationships have pluses and minuses. The age gap will be a minus, but if he makes you happy (and think carefully if he does), then that shoudl be it

I wouldn’t marry anyone when I was 22. It’s so young. Why can’t you just date for a while? Surely you can’t have been together that long?

My parents have a 14 year age gap. The older one is now very unwell but was always the fitter of the two. The younger one seems to have aged faster living with someone older than them although they could theoretically be fitter/ more active. They love each other so that’s good. Younger one is a bit useless- older one does all the practical stuff.

Also, I got married young. Have a long engagement, at least 3 years.

If you don't establish a decent career before having children, it will be much harder during or afterwards.

You could end up with a difficult dynamic and financial situation, whereby you're a SAHM or earning little until your mid-40s, at which point he starts thinking about retirement.

If you don't have a solid career established first, which you can carry on working in PT if you wish / go back to post DC, you'll either end up slogging through low paid work for 20 years to top up his one-person pension, while he enjoys a life of leisured retirement, or you'll both be eaking out that inadequate pension together for the rest of your lives, or you'll break up, he'll have his pension and you'll be living off your low-paid earnings. Not fun.

There is nothing romantic about making yourself financially dependent on other person for the rest of your life.

I am going against the grain and saying, go for it! Chances are you will have a good few decades together. I like your plan to have kids early and when they are in school you can go back or start a new career, it will be continuous with no breaks for having kids. I don't agree with people suggesting you take time to build a career if you want to be a stay at home mum for a good few years. I'd take a mature man with an established career anyday.

It's fine for now.

The issues come in a few years. When you're 32 and he's 47, and he sighs and rolls his eyes at everything you do being 'immature'. When you're 35 but he's 50, and all he wants to talk about is retirement. Can't go on holiday, think of retirement. Can't take a day trip. Can't go to dinner. Got to save. Be responsible. Stop being so short sighted and immature.

It's a problem because he'll have done things, travelled, lived life. He has stories and memories of a life well lived before he settled down. You don't. You've done nothing yet. And don't think for a minute you'll get to do them. He won't go with you again - he'll just tell you none of it's really worth it. You should stay at home, be quiet, put aside silly dreams of travel or adventure or moving home or anything.

It's fine now. It's just not in ten years.

Oh yeah, and at 22 chances are you're going to be financially dependent on him, which is a long way of saying 'utterly fucked' if he pulls the plug.

I find it quite shallow and also negative when posters suggest that this age gap can mean the OP will become his carer, or they may be retiring at different ages.

Who's to say she won't get ill and need care?

Who's to say if he retired at 60 or 65, they wouldn't be able to retire together? Very few couples retire in unison in my experience. Often by the time the man is his 60s they have built up enough savings and pension to both retire.

No one knows what the future holds. I've seen friends and people I know of, widowed (either way- wife or husband dies young ish) in ways no one could have expected. I have known women widowed at 35 when their DH's the same age died.

I have a friend who, at around 50, married for the first time to a widower who was 70. I think their attitude was, grab what you can when you can.

It's more about how emotionally mature the OP is and what they each want out of life.

She's not come back so there are lots of unanswered questions about the length of their relationship etc. I'd be worried a 37 yr old wanted to rush a 22 year old into marriage because he ought to recognise she might have some maturing to do before making such a big decision, but who knows?

The age gap is unlikely to work in your favour - but you might be able to overcome it if you are both the right people to adapt to the divisions it creates. (It won't be easy to overcome if only one of you is doing the adapting.

I agree with the post above. There are many possible divisions between any couple and talking through the list is a good idea. Again, if one of you is quietly compromising through the discussion - then probably things will fall apart in the future.

Before you get married discuss many things about your future not just about your love for each other. Include:
Bucket lists
Dream home
Careers
Education
Political views
Bills
Parenting styles
Credit
Debt
Religion
How to deal with family
What beliefs will be instilled in your children
Childhood trauma
Sexual expectations
Mental health history
Family health history
etc.

Once you have started talking - keep going.

Mostly, I would not advise anyone to get married at 22. People mature so much and gain so much confidence through their 20s. The 'straight out of university' relationships often crumble 5-15 years later, when both parties realise they have become quite different people to the ones they were at 22.

In your case, that will be you. You could find you outgrow him, or grow in a different direction.

He might easily change from dynamic, energetic youngish man, to grumpy, insular middle aged man, within that same 5-15 years. Many do.

@Cirin

It's fine for now.

The issues come in a few years. When you're 32 and he's 47, and he sighs and rolls his eyes at everything you do being 'immature'. When you're 35 but he's 50, and all he wants to talk about is retirement. Can't go on holiday, think of retirement. Can't take a day trip. Can't go to dinner. Got to save. Be responsible. Stop being so short sighted and immature.

It's a problem because he'll have done things, travelled, lived life. He has stories and memories of a life well lived before he settled down. You don't. You've done nothing yet. And don't think for a minute you'll get to do them. He won't go with you again - he'll just tell you none of it's really worth it. You should stay at home, be quiet, put aside silly dreams of travel or adventure or moving home or anything.

It's fine now. It's just not in ten years.

Is this your experience @Cirin?

You have known some dull men if that's how you think.

Your post is amazing in the way it's so unlike any 50, 60 or even 70 year olds I know! They are living life to the full.

Many men at 50 are at the peak of their careers and love work.

You also seem incredibly ageist in your opinions of men .