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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

437 replies

ConeyIsland23 · 30/08/2021 12:28

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

OP posts:
Boredhimtodeath · 30/08/2021 15:24

I have a similar age gap and we’ve been together 8 years.
The biggest con is he watches absolute shite on the tv. He has two kids who’s lives I am a big part of, but he does the rubbish jobs because they are his kids and I was firm from the offset about it. He asks if he wants me to specifically do something rather than assuming too which I appreciate.

Original poster
ConeyIsland23 · 30/08/2021 15:27

To give more context - he does not have any kids and has never been married. He is a doctor. I work in a similar field. No, it is not my first relationship. I would carry on working after marriage but if we had a child, I would become a stay at home mum (my choice). Then I would go back to work. I am not unsure about marrying him, I just wanted to hear about other experiences.

OP posts:
MrsLCSofLichfield · 30/08/2021 15:27

I married at 22, DH is 5 years older than me. I was an idiot at that age, thought I knew a lot more than I really did, but having said that it worked out: we are still together 23 years on.

Questions I would ask:

  1. If you decided you didn't want kids or wanted to wait, would he accept that? My DH always wanted a family, but I didn't want children when we got married and he accepted that. Marrying young had the advantage of giving me time to change my mind, and we had DS 10 years later. DH never once tried to talk me into having a baby, he was willing to forgo that for me, and to me that's a huge sign that he loved me for myself.

  2. How long have you been together and do you already live together? DH and I had 3 years to get to know each other, including sharing a house before we were a couple. I think it's important to know you can live in domestic harmony first before you throw your hand in for the rest of your life.

  3. What is his relationship history like? Does he speak kindly of his exes? If he comes with a divorce and/or kids, I would tread v. carefully.

  4. Is he your best friend? If your romantic feelings disappeared tomorrow, could you imagine happily hanging out with him, just having a laugh and enjoying his company?

  5. Do you broadly agree on politics? Religion? Art and music? If you differ in opinions and interests, is that ok or does he try to sway you? Is he ok with you having separate interests and parts of your life that may not involve him? You might think politics and religion aren't deal-breakers, but many would beg to differ: they really affect how you conduct yourself and how you treat other people, so I'd be wary of any big divides on these areas.

I would ask these questions regardless of your respective ages. Many posters on MN are weird about age differences in relationships and go really over the top about it. I hope things work out for you, whatever you decide.

MrsLCSofLichfield · 30/08/2021 15:30

@ConeyIsland23 - sorry, cross-posted. Thank you for clarifying re: his past!

mynameisbrian · 30/08/2021 15:32

You have decided to be a SAHM? Really...your OH has an established career, you dont. So why would you be having DC so quickly without achieving what you want in your career first as you say your in a similar field. you wouldnt be able to do that as a trainee doctor so i am interested what you do. is your DP going to contribute to your pension, is he going to put your name on any house you may buy? You need to ensure your absolutely clear what it is it means for you.

Explosivefarts · 30/08/2021 15:38

@Eralos

Your parents are probably thinking you’ll either be a young ish widow or having to care for someone. These are all possible any age you marry, just do what makes you happy
Nothing is guaranteed he could end up being her carer . If it’s true love go for it OP but the fact you are even questioning it suggests it isn’t . I got married at 22.
IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 15:38

@ConeyIsland23

To give more context - he does not have any kids and has never been married. He is a doctor. I work in a similar field. No, it is not my first relationship. I would carry on working after marriage but if we had a child, I would become a stay at home mum (my choice). Then I would go back to work. I am not unsure about marrying him, I just wanted to hear about other experiences.
In fairness, asking if you were 'doomed' does kind of suggest that you're unsure about the marriage.

Becoming a SAHM at such an early stage in your career is highly risky. It's not that easy to simply 'go back to work' just like that, as many here can tell you. If you give up your financial independence, you are going to make yourself very dependent on this man. That may not be romantic, but it is the reality of it.

TatianaBis · 30/08/2021 15:41

Finish your training whatever it is and get some years working under your belt before you have kids. Otherwise it will be very difficult to get back into the workplace afterwards.

workshy44 · 30/08/2021 15:41

God no, I would seriously wonder about a 37 year old man wanting to marry a 22 year old.
You will throw away your youth on this guy and by the time you realize it, it will most likely be gone. Date him if you want but I wouldn't dream of marrying what I would have considered an old man and your age 1

CallMeNutribullet · 30/08/2021 15:43

15 years isn't a massive issue. Did be far more concerned about my DD getting married at 22 tbh

Paq · 30/08/2021 15:44

I have a large age gap relationship but I got married later - 32. You are only 22. There's no hurry. People change a lot in their 20s and 30s, you might be one of them.

userlotsanumbers · 30/08/2021 15:45

Yes, I had a relationship when I was 21 with a 35 year old. What a huge mistake, the enormity of which was matched in the power imbalance between us. I ended up being subtly abused (predictably) and having to start again in my late 20's, with him having the house, the job to pay for it and me having eff all, just a few belongings.
I thankfully had not had children with him, one of the few saving graces.
My sister got groomed when she was early teens by a man who was eight years older than her. She ended up as an alcoholic being overtly abused by him.
I have other stories, from my friends and family of similar situations. You are putting yourself into a very vulnerable situation here, at the mercy of a doctor, who are emphatically not all heroes.
Proceed with caution.

howtodealwithit · 30/08/2021 15:46

My cousin recently married, she's 25 and her husband is 40. They've been together since she was 19/20 and have survived this long! TBH you don't really notice the age gap, they seem very happy together

NigellaSeed · 30/08/2021 15:47

My parents had the same age gap. Dad was 52 when I was born. He's passed away and my mum was a relatively young widow but they were married for over 30 years.

I'm sure you're prefer to have fallen for someone the same age but we can't choose who we love. Good luck to you

ivykaty44 · 30/08/2021 15:49

People will tell you stories about how Jenny married Bill 17 years her elder and it was a match made in heaven etc etc

Jenny could have married Ben who was 3 years older and it be a nightmare marriage

as the first poster stated - you do you and have the confidence to follow your heart if your head is sure you get on together and love him

I have a daughter the same age as you

owlbethere · 30/08/2021 15:52

My husband and I had the same age gap when we got married. We were in love and happy and for us it never mattered. Sadly he passed away last year from cancer. We had 25 years mostly happy. A few ups and downs but never related to age.

me4real · 30/08/2021 15:56

You have to do you but the cracks will start to show eventually OP. I've been there. He'll get older and you won't find him as attractive. He won't be as good in bed as men your own age; eventually impotence will set in. All sorts of things. xxx

sueelleker · 30/08/2021 15:59

My husband is 11 years older than me; we got married when I'd just turned 21, and we're still together 46 years on. Never wanted children-it's always been just the 2 of us and we're very happy. There was 13 years between my Mum and Dad, so it must run in the family!

RowanAlong · 30/08/2021 15:59

Age gap on its own is not the issue, it’s that you’re so young to be marrying someone who has way more life experience than you and later on you might feel you’ve missed out on doing things he’s already done, eg travelling, career, etc...

bringincrazyback · 30/08/2021 16:01

Mumsnet ageism rears its head again. Some of these comments make me want to laugh. Not to mention talking to the OP as if at 22 she can't possibly know her own mind - patronising much?

37 isn't bus pass territory. The age gap is not so great that the OP and her partner can't have a ton in common. And every relationship is different. No one on here can vouch for whether or not this will work for OP and her partner.

OP, I haven't RTFT but based on my own life experiences compatibility and shared life goals are what matter. Super important that you agree re having kids of course, but I'm sure you've discussed this. And there's a lot of SAHM hate on this site, my advice would be do what's right for you. I'm probably quite a bit older than some who have responded to this thread and I genuinely don't see an issue re age if you're compatible and in step.

What I would say though is only venture into marriage at such a young age if you're absolutely sure it's right for you. There's plenty of time.

RightYesButNo · 30/08/2021 16:05
  1. How long have you been dating?
  2. Why must you marry? Why couldn’t you keep dating? Why couldn’t you be engaged for a bit? Why couldn’t you live together without marriage? I’m gathering there must be some reason you can’t just keep dating or live together and be deeply in love.
icedcoffees · 30/08/2021 16:09

Mumsnet ageism rears its head again.

I don't see any ageism here. I see a lot of realism, though.

37 isn't bus pass territory. The age gap is not so great that the OP and her partner can't have a ton in common.

Nobody is saying it is. What they are saying is that although the age gap seems okay now, it could feasibly be problematic down the line when he's retiring and OP is still having to work full-time for another 15 years.

Assuming the both retire at 65, by the time OP retires, her husband will be eighty. That's a considerable difference and the lifestyles of people in their eighties are generally very different to those of people in their mid-sixties.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/08/2021 16:09

@ConeyIsland23

To give more context - he does not have any kids and has never been married. He is a doctor. I work in a similar field. No, it is not my first relationship. I would carry on working after marriage but if we had a child, I would become a stay at home mum (my choice). Then I would go back to work. I am not unsure about marrying him, I just wanted to hear about other experiences.
You've spent your twenties thus far in lockdown so haven't been able to live as a couple in normal circumstances yet.

What's the rush?

TurquoiseDragon · 30/08/2021 16:11

@Hoppinggreen

I don’t think it’s the actual gap so much as the fact that you are so young and you will both be at very different stages of your life. Also no number of happy or sad stories about such an age gap from other people will help, they aren’t you. However, my Friend had a similar age gap with her husband and it was all fine until he hit 60 and started to talk about retirement and seemed to start winding down towards it. Then lockdown happened and she REALLY got a glimpse of her future. She’s divorcing him now but that’s them and you are you
My ex was 8 years older than me, we met when I was 18. It was a disaster. There were age gap differences even with just 8 years. It also became apparent he just wanted to have someone he could control.

I finally managed to break free from the abusive cunt after 30 years and 2 DC. The only things I don't regret are the DC.

My DD is 21, and if she was dating a 37 year old, I'd do everything to break it up.

Sounds harsh, but while you'll get a few positive stories on here about age gap relationships, in general they go wrong more often than they succeed.

Take any thread on here where a mum is concerned for a daughter dating a much older man. It's viewed with suspicion that the younger female is being groomed, and that the older man is looking for someone he can control.

IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 16:13

@howtodealwithit

My cousin recently married, she's 25 and her husband is 40. They've been together since she was 19/20 and have survived this long! TBH you don't really notice the age gap, they seem very happy together
5 years isn't that long to 'survive' together.

Plus, if they got together when she was a teen (ugh!) then likely she doesn't have too many, if any, serious relationships to compare this to, although chances are he's had several long-term relationships.

And I don't believe for one second that you don't 'notice' the 15 year age gap.