Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

[ConeyIsland23]

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

Age gaps mean more depending on the stage of life you are at. In your early 20s, I wouldn't advise it as I find you really do all your growing up then and you can emerge a totally different person. Many people have advised that your partner's old age will be hard for you. One of my friends married a man 22 years older than her, he was closer to her mother's age. Two years ago they were both diagnosed with dementia and admitted to seperate care homes. Last year they both died within a week of each other when Covid ripped through these homes. She is devastated. She says she doesn't regret marrying him, they had two beautiful children, but the age gap has made her life harder and left her very lonely in her 50s when her friends and their spouses are planning all the fun they are going to have in retirement.

We have relatives with that age gap. He’s 70 now and they are still very much in love.

Go for it @ConeyIsland23

I got married at 22, biggest mistake of my life. But there are people it works out for. When I see my ds now at the same age he seems SO young.

16 years between my DH and I. It was fine when we were your age but post kids I'm now in my 30s and he's close to 50, cracks are beginning to show. I love him deeply but I face the very real possibility of him dying before me, or being his carer as he gets older. I face retirement alone. It scares me.

I married my husband when he was 36 and I was 21, just after we had our first baby. We've been together 10 years and 2 babies later are still going strong. The age gap has its downsides sometimes, I've found the hardest part is being a stepmum as he had older children from a previous relationship but they're grown up now while our children are young which is nice.

Where's the rush to get married/have children? In your shoes I might say yes but think about having a long engagement, waiting until you are nearer 25 to consider children. Give yourself time to start a career and see how you feel about that. From a male fertility & cultural perspective there's little difference between 37 & 40.

My mum married my dad when she was 20 and he was 36. They were madly in love and had the happiest marriage for over 30 years until my dad sadly passed away a few years ago. I guess being widowed young is a risk of marrying an older man, my mum was only in her 50s when he died but she wouldn’t have changed it for the world. He was the love of her life.

i know a few couples with an age gap, one girl I know was 25 when she started dating a widow and he was 40. They got married and have two kids now . She however was a feisty woman and took no shit and still doesnt. I think she is brilliant and there a good balance. The other I know is very strained and you can see whilst they have a child she is only 30 and he is 50. She is pregnant again and they have a home together but she couldnt wait to get back to work and he reduced his hours to look after his DC, but he had been married before and having a DC seems to have been his mission so he is full of DC love. So for me if I was your mother I would be asking if at the age of 22 is he your first BF?, First love? , have you had enough life experience, have you achieved what you want to achieve at 22.

OP, what I'm going to say may sound a bit blunt. I don't mean to be but it seems like there are few ways to say this. You shouldn't do this. I have read the thread, there are many examples of how it can work. Great. But those are the exceptions.

You shouldn't be marrying at all at 22. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why is a 37 year old proposing to a girl of your age? Why is he doing that? What's wrong with him? You need to live your young life, not be tied to a middle aged man.

How old were you when you met?

Has he been married before?

I'm old. To me, 22 is a very young person and I can't imagine how selfish it would be of me to be involved with a person of your age. No matter how well intentioned the older party is, there is no way they can avoid foreshortening the young life of the younger person with their experience, attitudes and money, the attributes that make the older person more powerful and influential in a relationship. It is the lack of these things that make the young so attractive to a certain type of person.

15 years might not seem like a big deal now, but how will you feel when he's 65 and heading into retirement, and you're only 50 with another 15 years of work left to go. And by the time you're ready to enjoy YOUR retirement, he'll be 80.

Personally I think it's a massive age gap and not something to commit to lightly.

I watched a programme recently about relationships with massive age gaps. There was a woman in her fifties whose husband was in his seventies. They had teenage kids and she was doing all the school runs and parenting because her husband had had a serious stroke and could no longer drive or be independent.

She was caring for her husband AND raising her kids alongside a full time job. She looked absolutely exhausted and sounded utterly fed up.

Of course, many people are fit in their eighties and yes, you could become chronically sick in your twenties, but the chances of becoming seriously ill or disabled increase as you get older.

Think about it.

Fucking hell, are you my mum, from the past?

Based on that, DON’T DO IT!!!

I think age gap matter less as you get older;if you were 32 with a 47 year old you'd get very different answers.

My husband's friend at 36 started dating a 21 year old;they lasted about 4 years;they had their wedding planned and she left him for someone closer to her own age.

It's a difficult one to gage really;has he been married before/had a long term partner/has kids/other commitments?

@Pinkandwhiteblossom

There were 15 years between my grandparents and my grandmother died first - she was the younger. So the doom and gloom about his health doesn’t follow.

There are 12 years between me and my husband but I was 28when we met and 31 when we married. A big difference. I do think 15 years at your age is an awful lot.

It's not 'doom and gloom' to say that the chances of being in ill health increase markedly as you age. Or that men's life expectancy is lower than women's. A few anecdotes to the contrary don't change reality.

There will always be people that say it won't work, it won't last and you shouldn't do it but they don't know your relationship and ultimately it's about what you want and whether you both love each other enough to work on your marriage.

My parents had a 1 year age gap. They endured 10 years of marriage. I have been with my DH for 20 years this year, married for 12. There's a 13 year age gap with us, and unlike PP have suggested, I've never felt I've had to sacrifice things because our relationship has the foundation of us both wanting pretty much the same things and both making compromises on others. Which I'd like to think would be the case regardless of age.

It's you and your fiance that need to be sure. Nobody else.

*It's you and your fiance that need to be sure. Nobody else.(

Clearly she's not sure if she asked AIBU about it.

Not married but been with Dp for a decade. I was 20, him 33 when we met. Age is just a number. Do what makes you both happy. Bugger what anyone else thinks. We had our Dd when I was 23 and him 36.

If you both want the same things, go for it and don't look back!

My husband is 16 years older than me. We have had a good marriage. I was 33 when we got married though.

Why the rush to get married and have kids? You have time. Use it wisely.

If he already has kids from another relationship thats a whole different ball game - and again you should really be thinking about getting to know them for a few years because at 22 you simply haven't had the time to do that.

If he wants to marry you and have kids, he will wait. If he doesn't he wants you to waste your youth on him - and thats why you will regret it and the relationship will face problems. If he says the opposite and how you should marry him if you love him, he's using his age and power over you and expect you to dedicate your entire life to him. Thats a red flag.

At 22 a few years living as a couple would be wise - no matter what age your partner was. With such an age gap, I'd say its doubly true.

i married a lovely man 20 years my senior, it does work but we were older and had lived beforehand.

I think you need to wait as another poster said maybe 5 years beforehand. DO NOT start making babies yet your very young even though you dont feel it.

@Karlee30

Not married but been with Dp for a decade. I was 20, him 33 when we met. Age is just a number. Do what makes you both happy. Bugger what anyone else thinks. We had our Dd when I was 23 and him 36.

If you both want the same things, go for it and don't look back!

To add, don't let anyone put you off thinking about older age. We don't know what life has in store for any of us. I have two friends who's parents had considerable age gaps - 20+ years with their dads being older. Both the dads outlived my friends mum as their mums died in their fifties. That is a bit gloom but my point is, we really don't know what life has in store for us.

I think age gap matter less as you get older;if you were 32 with a 47 year old you'd get very different answers.

While it might not matter much when you're both working, I think it does become an issue when one party is retired and the other is working full-time.

I know it's not popular to say it on MN, but age comes to us all and there's big difference in the health and fitness levels of someone in their fifties compared to someone in their seventies. I know people will come on telling me about all their sprightly ninety year old relatives who still run up mountains, but those people are hugely in the minority.

My dad is in his late sixties now (so not even that old) but I've definitely noticed him ageing quite significantly in the last few years. Not just in terms of his appearance but also in his overall mindset.

And he IS one of those super-fit ones who runs up mountains! But he's still starting to show his age compared to my mum, and they only have a four year age gap, not a 15 year one.

Not married but been with Dp for a decade. I was 20, him 33 when we met. Age is just a number.

If 'age is just a number', why have 100% of the age gap relationships on this thread involved much older men? Why hasn't there been a single woman here telling us she is 15 years older than her husband? It seems 'age is just a number' when the man is older, but not the other way round.

And in any case, it's not true. Age has significant impacts on health, fertility, energy levels and so much else. It's not just a number.

It depends what's important to you: happiness now, or the likely event of the problems of a big age gap later? Are you willing to gamble?

Are you particularly mature for your age? The majority of 22 year olds I know would be unsuitable for the 37 year olds I know because they are still very 'young' - not a lot of life experience etc. The 37 year olds are also established in their careers and financially and in terms of housing, whereas the 22 year olds aren't, and the 37 year olds would be unwilling to go through the relative instability of a partner who is still getting set up in life.

It's not a red flag for me per se, but I'd certainly be wondering why any 37 year old friends of mine wanted to date a 22 year old. In my experience (and very much acknowledging this isn't always the case!) it's usually to do with wanting to feel younger, or that women their own age won't put up with their shit.

And, on the flip side - the difference between 35 and 50 can be huge. I know 55 year olds retiring (rich ones, but still). I know 35 year olds not having decided on their career yet. The difference between 45 and 60 - with you having maybe 20 years left to work, and him winding down for retirement - is going to feel like a gulf unless you can afford to retire very young with him.

Do you want children? Does he? Are you financially compatible, do you have the same potential earning power as him? Is there a big power imbalance between you aside from the age (which is a big one on its own)?

If either of you were a friend of mine, I'd be concerned tbh. That doesn't mean it can't work, but there are a lot of areas of potential problems.

All I would say is that 22 is very young to marry these days. You are going to mature and change profoundly. I met my DH at 24 and regret settling down so young. I wish I’d had more solo experiences beforehand.

If you were my DD I'd be concerned that he's proposed because he wants to trap his 22 year old trophy, and will spend years being insecure because you're so much younger than him.