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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

437 replies

ConeyIsland23 · 30/08/2021 12:28

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

OP posts:
IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 20:48

You think 15 years is HUGE? Really? So what would be a slightly large gap and what would be ideal in your mind. I think 15 years is nothing. 43 with 58? 51 with 66? Piffle

So you'd happily marry a man 15 years your junior? And think it fine for a 22 year old man to marry a 37 year old woman?

honeybuns007 · 30/08/2021 20:50

@userlotsanumbers

Yes, I had a relationship when I was 21 with a 35 year old. What a huge mistake, the enormity of which was matched in the power imbalance between us. I ended up being subtly abused (predictably) and having to start again in my late 20's, with him having the house, the job to pay for it and me having eff all, just a few belongings. I thankfully had not had children with him, one of the few saving graces. My sister got groomed when she was early teens by a man who was eight years older than her. She ended up as an alcoholic being overtly abused by him. I have other stories, from my friends and family of similar situations. You are putting yourself into a very vulnerable situation here, at the mercy of a doctor, who are emphatically not all heroes. Proceed with caution.
Wow, leap much. Abuse? Not all slightly older men are abusers ffs
honeybuns007 · 30/08/2021 20:51

@IcedPurple

You think 15 years is HUGE? Really? So what would be a slightly large gap and what would be ideal in your mind. I think 15 years is nothing. 43 with 58? 51 with 66? Piffle

So you'd happily marry a man 15 years your junior? And think it fine for a 22 year old man to marry a 37 year old woman?

I am ZERO concerned about 15 years with either partner being the younger one. I am more concerned at the idea of marrying so young.
IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 20:57

I am ZERO concerned about 15 years with either partner being the younger one. I am more concerned at the idea of marrying so young.

So have you dated lots of 15 years younger men yourself? What with a 15 year gap being 'nothing' in your mind?

CatsArePeople · 30/08/2021 20:57

No indeed they don't. The kids will grow up and she'll be entering the job market with very little career experience and starting near the bottom of the tree.

Having babies will always carry that risk. However, there are plenty of opportunities to retrain or completely change the career path. It doesn't have to be the end of it.

And we don't know anything about her husband. "Nice" men turn into not so nice men all the time. Or the marriage could just break up. Not a good idea to make yourself completely dependent on someone else.

Not ideal, but life happens. Any man can turn into a massive prick, regardless of age difference. But at the the end of the day, nobody will live OP's life for her.

Borderterrierpuppy · 30/08/2021 21:00

I got married at 22, honestly I wish someone had talked me out of it.
I felt grown up but I was much too young, didn’t know myself well and definitely married the wrong man.
Live together by all means but don’t have kids or get married for at least 3 years, if at that stage you are still sure he is the right guy for you then go for it x

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 30/08/2021 21:12

My sister married a man 16 years her senior when she was 21. They are still happily together and he is 82 now! He had been married and had 3 children to another woman, which at times did cause problems due to him having to provide for his first 3, plus the 2 he had with my sister, but they have always managed to muddle through, so I wouldn't let others put you off OP. You have to live your life for you, not other people, and if it's a mistake, it's a mistake, but you could just as easily marry a man of 26, only 4 years your senior, and still separate a couple of years down the line. Learn from your own mistakes or otherwise, and tell others to mind their own business as long as you are genuinely happy, and aren't just marrying him for the sake of getting a ring on your finger as some girls of your age do.

annacondom · 30/08/2021 21:13

I also got married young. The first of all my mates. I felt so grown up but was so tied down. Why do you need to get married, OP? Just have a nice life with your bf. Do some stuff without him, maybe (like holidays with your mates - won't be doing that when you've got babies!). Do some wild stuff in your 20s and get married when you're 30. That's my advice. Oh, and my first marriage lasted 18 months.

Pesimistic · 30/08/2021 21:19

I don't think, from experience, anyone should make massive life decisions untill 25, BUT I do think it's important to protect your self with marrage if you buy a house or have children with someone so you can only go with your gut and try to let your head get a word on edge ways when your heart is ruling the show

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2021 21:22

Sorry but there is often something wrong with a man almost in his 40s who wants to marry someone barely out of her teens. Not always, but often.

EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 21:24

Op, if you’re in a professional role with registration eg HCP and you totally stop working you’ll need to take a course to get back on the register. If you are an HCP I’d advise maintain bank or agency work to maintain your registration

Do not give up work
Plan nursery or childcare when the children arrive
Keep your career otherwise you’ll be wholly financially dependent upon him

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2021 21:24

@oakleaffy

OP, If you TRULY loved him, you’d not be asking strangers on the internet what you should do. The bloke would be better off finding someone without doubts, especially if he marries and it goes tits up, he’ll lose half of what he probably has amassed.
The poor lamb being taken advantage of by someone 15 years younger. Bless him Hmm
MakingmeaCake · 30/08/2021 21:36

@MrsTerryPratchett

Sorry but there is often something wrong with a man almost in his 40s who wants to marry someone barely out of her teens. Not always, but often.
Oh do stop this silliness.

A man of 37 is not 40.

A woman of 22 is not in her teens.

I was in a long relationship from the age of 22 with a man aged 35.

I was nothing like a teen and he wasn't a weirdo if that's your inference.

I was self-supporting in a responsible job after uni. Likewise him.

We separated after 5 years but it wasn't to do with an age gap.

We are still in touch as friends and he's been married for almost 30 years to a woman with the same age gap as the OP.

PurpleOkapi · 30/08/2021 21:40

It's your life and your choice. Keep in mind, though, that you're still very young and are likely to grow, mature, and change a great deal in the next decade or two. Most people do. If they two of you are compatible now, that suggests he's basically 'topped out' at your current level. But you probably haven't. If you're a normal 22-year-old, then in 20 years, you'll probably be a normal 42-year-old. But he'll probably still be stuck emotionally at the same level you're at now - that of a normal 22-year-old. That's likely to cause long-term problems.

Farwest · 30/08/2021 21:46

Ignoring the age gap, I would advise any 22yo woman to wait for marriage. As many have said, there is a big difference between 22 and 27, less between 32 and 37.

Get going on your career/work history, build up a solid CV, do the training and degrees and you need.

Assuming that you will get married anyway - If you want children soon, then with that age gap, I would also advise that he organises a sabbatical to take care of any babies while you go back to work - he will have much greater job security while you will still be fairly junior. You would have to budget carefully together to make that work, be willing to use childcare at a fairly young age, and truly value your working life.

But really that's me advising young me. Not everyone is career-focussed and that's fine. Plenty of women take 10 years out to raise the dc then go back. This often tanks their earning potential and slows or in some cases stalls their career progression (not always!), but to be honest raising dc is great in and of itself if that is a life goal for you.

It does depend on who he is, true, but mostly it depends on you knowing yourself very very well. So that your goals and wants do not get railroaded by an older man's established life. Not that he'd do that maliciously, it could just happen.

CityCommuter · 30/08/2021 21:46

@ConeyIsland23 sorry but I think you'd be mad to get married at 22 let alone to someone 15 years older than you! You say he's a doctor and wants to start trying for kids straight after you're married - put simply he chose you to reproduce with because of his medical knowledge about fertility and less chance of disabilities occurring (he sounds like a controlling creep tbh)...

How long have you being with him as you don't sound like you have much life experience... what do your friends think or are they a lot older than you as well? It's important to mix with people your own age as otherwise you'll become old before your time. You already sound very mature for a 22 year old and it's because of him. Most women your age don't have marriage and babies on their agenda unless it's a cultural thing of course...

Callcat · 30/08/2021 21:48

I'm the same age as the boyfriend. My cousins are the same age as the OP. They're like a different species to me! I can't understand half of what they talk about, and they're so SO young to me even though they're mature women for their age and I'm young in my ways for mine. It's just such a hard nope for me when I think of dating a bloke of the same age as my cousins. Wtf is he thinking?! Op, I'd really avoid rushing to get married. There really is no hurry, but the cost of making a mistake is high. Just enjoy your time together if you really like him. You)(or he!) are likely to may want to move on at some point. Why overcomplicate things with legal contracts? I'm so radically different from who I was at 22 it's unreal.

honeybuns007 · 30/08/2021 21:53

@IcedPurple

I am ZERO concerned about 15 years with either partner being the younger one. I am more concerned at the idea of marrying so young.

So have you dated lots of 15 years younger men yourself? What with a 15 year gap being 'nothing' in your mind?

Huh? So I can't hold a view unless I have lived it? I have views on gender identity, religion, various jobs etc without having any particular experiences in those areas. What on heavens name are you suggesting? That to hold a view one must have had the exact experience? Well I take it you have had several 15 year gap relationships that went wrong seeing that you hold such strong views Agar.io then. You're weird
honeybuns007 · 30/08/2021 21:54

@MrsTerryPratchett

Sorry but there is often something wrong with a man almost in his 40s who wants to marry someone barely out of her teens. Not always, but often.
So you e added several years into him and subtracted some years from her and then condemning him for the made up scene you've created. Hmm
IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 22:01

Huh? So I can't hold a view unless I have lived it? I have views on gender identity, religion, various jobs etc without having any particular experiences in those areas. What on heavens name are you suggesting? That to hold a view one must have had the exact experience? Well I take it you have had several 15 year gap relationships that went wrong seeing that you hold such strong views Agar.io then.

I would never have a serious relationship with someone 15 years older than me because I certainly don't think such an age gap is 'nothing'. But for someone like yourself who does believe such age gaps are trifling, I was just cuirous to know if you'd date a 15 years younger man yourself.

You're weird

Well, that's a sophisticated line of argument.

onlychildhamster · 30/08/2021 22:01

Getting married at 22 to my law school classmate was the best decision that I ever made. We have been married for 6 years. I was an international student and I would have returned to my home country if he didn't propose. But he was only 2 years older than me, not 15.

I think it might be better to wait if you are not sure though!

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/08/2021 22:04

@ConeyIsland23 how long have you been together

honeybuns007 · 30/08/2021 22:08

@IcedPurple

Huh? So I can't hold a view unless I have lived it? I have views on gender identity, religion, various jobs etc without having any particular experiences in those areas. What on heavens name are you suggesting? That to hold a view one must have had the exact experience? Well I take it you have had several 15 year gap relationships that went wrong seeing that you hold such strong views Agar.io then.

I would never have a serious relationship with someone 15 years older than me because I certainly don't think such an age gap is 'nothing'. But for someone like yourself who does believe such age gaps are trifling, I was just cuirous to know if you'd date a 15 years younger man yourself.

You're weird

Well, that's a sophisticated line of argument.

I would happily date someone 15 years younger than me now had I not met my lovely husband of 30 years when I was 25. 15 years younger at that stage of my life would make me a pedophile. I do know a few very happy couples with age gaps ranging from 8 to 17 years. They are not struggling. Youngest person in the couples are in their 50 s
honeybuns007 · 30/08/2021 22:13

I don't know any of these people and can't testify to their happiness but on the whole, they don't look odd to me. I'm linked an article about celebrities because if I started banging on about my aunt Ethel and her toy boy Rizzo, people would just say I made it up... www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/g20871722/celebrity-couple-age-gap/

IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 22:15

[quote honeybuns007]I don't know any of these people and can't testify to their happiness but on the whole, they don't look odd to me. I'm linked an article about celebrities because if I started banging on about my aunt Ethel and her toy boy Rizzo, people would just say I made it up... www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/g20871722/celebrity-couple-age-gap/[/quote]
Yes, Charlene and Albert of Monaco seem to be enjoying a very healthy and happy relaionship.