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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

437 replies

ConeyIsland23 · 30/08/2021 12:28

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

OP posts:
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 30/08/2021 18:05

My friend and her dh have got a 15 year age gap and it works well - only thing is by the time they met he had already had 3 kids and didn't want any more but if that side of things isn't an issue then go for it!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 30/08/2021 18:05

At 37 and in medicine he is probably at a very busy stage of his career. He probably can't do much exploring and experimenting and travelling and adventuring. You're not going to be off together doing volunteering in Africa or anything like that? And he knows that if you do that without him you will probably outgrow him.

I'm getting a bit of a sense that maybe he wants to marry you now and start a family now as a way of pinning you down. Sure, at his age a family would be something he wants and also something to keep you busy and emotionally engaged at home. But is that really best for you?

You would be missing out, because you have plenty of time to do that adventuring now before you settle down with a family. And if having a family young is really what you want to do for your own sake, then it might still be better to be with a man of a similar age who might also want to go adventuring when the children are older. Your DH-to-be- might be all done with that already.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/08/2021 18:05

I don't think age gap is really the issue.
If he's a lovely bloke who just hadn't met the right person until you came along, then fab.
If he's very settled in his life pattern and is expecting you to just fit into it, then maybe think quite a lot harder about it too.
If he still lives with his parents... only half joking, it depends on whether he's a functional adult in the home or not!

Does he own his own place? Does he look after it properly?

My parents had a 10y age gap. I know that's not as much as 15, but my mum was the same age as you when they got married. They were married 42 years before she sadly died, but I wouldn't say it was the happiest of relationships - they had some differing attitudes and rubbed each other up the wrong way quite a lot! - but they did stay together and Dad was pretty devastated when she died.

Thing is, I don't think it really matters about other people's experiences, because they're all different people. If you believe that he is a good man, who can pull his weight in the house as well as at work, and who will support you in both career and motherhood then go for it. If you have doubts about his abilities in the home - well, maybe think harder, as I said before.

Mulletsaremisunderstood · 30/08/2021 18:08

What if you got engaged, but said you didn't want to get married until you were 25? That would be a pretty reasonable request given your age.

It would allow you to establish your own career, mature a bit and get to know him more. You'd still have plenty of time to build a life together.

Most people on here aren't saying dump him, just why the rush into marriage?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 30/08/2021 18:08

no rush op.

give it another 3 years

Graphista · 30/08/2021 18:09

How long have you been together?

The age gap is less of an issue now, it'll become more of an issue when you're older so you need to consider that.

He won't just be older, he'll likely be less fit and well as you too.

In ANY relationship you need to have shared values, goals and things like sense of humour

In terms of your age now you're only 2 years older than my dd and she changes her views on major issues weekly! I look back at how I was in my 20's and I changed Soooo much in that decade.

I married around the same age to someone only a year older and very much regret it. Obviously the age gap wasn't an issue but with hindsight it was a mistake, I didn't know myself well enough let alone him!

IF you are meant to be together waiting 5-10 years will make no difference whatsoever and there's no rush to have dc unless there are fertility issues

Never been married - has he had a long term relationship? Doesn't sound like he's got much relationship experience which he should have at his age that in itself is a potential red flag

I know couples in successful age gap relationships BUT they met when the younger was in their mid 30's or older and had some life experience and knew what they were looking for in a relationship and had the confidence to not put up with crappy treatment and to spot red flags

At 22 most people are still pretty clueless tbh

supersop60 · 30/08/2021 18:14

If you both want kids, that's one potential complication out of the way. That could go either way - a) the older partner desperate for kids and the younger one wanting to wait, OR b) the older one not wanting kids and the younger one is eager. Time is not on your side in those cases.
Mostly I'd agree with pp - if you are in love and ready to make a commitment, then fine, and I hope your love and the 'sickness and health' bit carries you through when you're 55 and he's 70.

MakingmeaCake · 30/08/2021 18:44

Never been married - has he had a long term relationship? Doesn't sound like he's got much relationship experience which he should have at his age that in itself is a potential red flag

MN is laughable at times.

So you ask if he's been married @Graphista and without knowing the answer, you say he can't have had much relationship experience.
How do you get to that theory?

On the one hand, if he was divorced with 4 kids at 37, there would be a red flag.

Being single at the terribly old age of 37 after pursuing a very demanding career (doctor) is also a red flag.

WTF?

It is possible that men or women of 37 are not weird because they have not met Miss Right and are not married, divorced or anything in between.

All this doom and gloom about being someone's carer...
you don't know how things will pan out.

If people are meant to be, as a couple, why not have 40 good years together or more, and take whatever happens when they reach older age?

People become carers at all kinds of ages, it's not exclusive to older age. And some elderly people never need a carer- they just die.

whatcangowrong · 30/08/2021 18:49

You will miss out on all the fun and freedom of your youth

Feelingoktoday · 30/08/2021 18:52

At 22, a 37 year old is fine;
At 37, he will be 52.
At 52, he will be 67.

I’m 55, 67 year old men (and women) are physically a lot older than the 15 year gap at 22. I would not date a 67 year old man.

Mulletsaremisunderstood · 30/08/2021 18:53

MakingmeaCake

It is possible that men or women of 37 are not weird because they have not met Miss Right and are not married, divorced or anything in between.

I agree, I'm 37 and never married, so obviously I don't see it as a red flag. However, I'm not pursuing a relationship with someone 15 years younger.

Of course it's not automatically a bad thing, but what people are pointing out (some through bitter experience) that he may well be doing that because women his own age won't put up with his bullshit.

OnlyFantastic · 30/08/2021 19:00

As others have said, the age difference will probably seem more as time passes.

I'm 35. I can't even imagine going out with a 50 year old now. 50 year old men are almost a different generation and totally not attractive to me.

However - I don't think at 22 I'd have dated a 37 year old either so maybe it just won't be an issue for you, where it would for others.

CatsArePeople · 30/08/2021 19:12

Go for it. That worst thing that may happen is that you will eventually split up. Or not. No one can tell.

Weirdlynormal · 30/08/2021 19:18

I have a friend the same age as me (49) and her 65 year old husband is waaaaay older than he was 10 years ago. I'd be thinking very carefully about taking on a pensioner unless they are very very active and keen on taking care of themselves. With that age gap you'll feel the old age unless he is very committed to his fitness.

IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 19:20

@CatsArePeople

Go for it. That worst thing that may happen is that you will eventually split up. Or not. No one can tell.
That's not really the worst thing.

She said she is planning to have a baby soon and then give up her job, thereby making herself and her child totally financially dependent on a man she probably met when she was a teenager.

twinningatlife · 30/08/2021 19:23

When would you want children? I know lots of people will say that you're never too old but I knew someone who at 18 and their dad was in their late 60s - he was clearly embarrassed by it, they had zero relationship or bond - his dad may as well have been his grandad

His dad was around 15 or so years older than his mum so similar to yours. As his mum reached her 60s he was in his 80s - she wanted to enjoy her retirement and was pretty youthful and wanted to travel etc - as harsh at it sounds his dad was heading for a care home. He never met his grandchildren as he inevitably passed away whilst his son was still young

You might not notice the age gap now but you definitely will as you get older

littlebird17 · 30/08/2021 20:05

Hi op.
I got married at 24 to my DH who I had been with since 18. He is the same age so a different scenario to you.
However, I do think now at 26 I am a very different person to what I was at 22. I've always been very mature for my age, financially independent etc so it wasn't that I just grew up I've just grown different.
That said, I do not regret getting married what so ever. I love my DH dearly and we have two beautiful children and I think we have grown together all these years.
But I do think our dynamic would be very different if he was nearly 40. He would have so much more life experience which isn't a bad thing on either part I just couldn't see how it would work.
We like the same music, have the same sense of humour, like the same tv, our friends gel well together because they're the same age.

Could you honestly see yourself with with him forever? If your questioning it then there must be some concerns. I didn't think twice about marrying my DH and whether or not we would work long term.

CatsArePeople · 30/08/2021 20:07

She said she is planning to have a baby soon and then give up her job, thereby making herself and her child totally financially dependent on a man she probably met when she was a teenager.

unless he's abusive, criminal, or an addict, nothing specifically wrong with that. Babies don't stay babies for long.

shouldistop · 30/08/2021 20:10

Why not see if you still want to get married in 2 years time?
Did you mention how long you've been together?

VestaTilley · 30/08/2021 20:12

Do not do this. That’s a weird age gap and he is a lot older than you.

Why the rush? Why will you be trying for children straight away? Do you work or want to prioritise a career or travel first? Will you have access to your own money once married? Have you ever had a relationship with anyone else? Are your family concerned?

The fact that you’re asking this question tells me a lot. Be engaged if you want, but don’t get married for another 2-3 years. Do not be pressured in to marriage sooner. Make sure you have qualifications and a job of your own.

Recessed · 30/08/2021 20:21

If you were my DD I'd be concerned personally. I'm guessing your parents are too since they are the reason you're questioning it. You're very, very young. Of course there are circumstances where it all works out beautifully and there's no sinister intentions, but I'm always wary of men who target much younger women, it speaks to a flaw in their character more often than not IME... hopefully yours is a good'un, just tread carefully. I'd hold off on the wedding/babies thing for another year or two at least. Travel, enjoy your freedom as once your have DC you'll never get your carefree youth back. See how he responds to you wanting to wait a while, he should respect your feelings and understand considering he was young once! If he starts to pressure/rush you - run for the hills.

Sometimeswinning · 30/08/2021 20:24

14 year age gap. Together 20 years. 3 children. Married 7. Was also financially dependent on dh throughout our children. I think it comes down to trust. I've seen enough posts on here to know age means nothing.

IcedPurple · 30/08/2021 20:33

@CatsArePeople

She said she is planning to have a baby soon and then give up her job, thereby making herself and her child totally financially dependent on a man she probably met when she was a teenager.

unless he's abusive, criminal, or an addict, nothing specifically wrong with that. Babies don't stay babies for long.

No indeed they don't. The kids will grow up and she'll be entering the job market with very little career experience and starting near the bottom of the tree.

And we don't know anything about her husband. "Nice" men turn into not so nice men all the time. Or the marriage could just break up. Not a good idea to make yourself completely dependent on someone else.

Rizzoli123 · 30/08/2021 20:44

My dad was born in 1941 mum in 1959. They stayed together until she died in 2013

honeybuns007 · 30/08/2021 20:46

@Porcupineintherough

However lovely he is, such a huge age gap will cause endless issues and sacrifices in a life partner (and they will mainly be yours). If you were my dd I'd strongly advise you think again.
You think 15 years is HUGE? Really? So what would be a slightly large gap and what would be ideal in your mind. I think 15 years is nothing. 43 with 58? 51 with 66? Piffle