AIBU already? Parents & first grandchild

[Randomuser45678]

Changed name so not outing.

FTM, due soon, and first grandchild for my parents & baby in the family on my side.

Let me start by saying I know 100% everything comes from a good place and they mean well but ever since we told them, it’s been a constant stream of comments that has made me super anxious about when baby is here.

Christmas - we’ve always travelled for Christmas not having kids, to both sides of the family. With having a baby we’ve not committed to any Christmas plans yet. I keep being asked what our plans will be and I’ve said about 10 times now - we aren’t making any until baby is here & we know where we are. (Setting expectations early!) but this just doesn’t seem to be good enough and it keeps coming up!

Mat Leave - both parents are retired, but live roughly an hour away in opposite directions with us in the middle. Ive already had both parents try and confirm ‘set days’ they will visit me each week oh my Mat leave to ‘help’. Ive said no, I don’t want that kind of structure, I’m happy for visits but I am not agreeing set dats every bloody week! Apparently I am being unfair….

And now the latest…

DH and I were chatting just as you do, about booking a week away near the end of my Mat leave for a first family hol (just UK - maybe a cottage somewhere nice!) and my parents got a bit shifty and said oh well we’ve actually booked somewhere already for all of us (my sis/BIL) for similar time so we could all go away? I wasn’t asked, this wasn’t a suggestion it was a ‘we’ve booked it’. I didn’t say anything there and then but now im stewing that my DH and I will have to holiday with the whole family when we wanted to go away just us for her first time!

AIBU? How on earth do I deal? Ive tried to be clear, I haven’t given anyone false expectations but I feel as both sets are retired with no hobbies/no big friendship circle, this baby is their focus and it’s completely overwhelming me and they aren’t even here yet.

I am not offended if you tell me IABU as I know I’m also an emotional hotbed right now!

Christmas: We have decided it will be a nice quiet xmas eve/day/boxing day at home, just the three of us. Let us know which day between xmas & new year you would like us to come over for the afternoon.

Holiday: Nice idea mum. Depending on how things go I will let you know nearer the time if we will be able to come. If dc have constant screaming night times it won't be fair to inflict that on everyone for their holiday and I wouldn't be able to relax knowing everyone is sleep deprived because of us.

You aren't bu. They are keen to be a part of the new babys life. Just keep setting boundaries, they will get the hint.

Nip this in the bud NOW. Just say that doesn't work for you and you are going away on your own. If they'd discussed it with you before they'd booked, then you could have told them this and they could have booked somewhere smaller.

Anyway, I'm sure that DH can't book that week off work, can he. 😉😁

If you accept this holiday that they booked without asking you, you're setting yourself up for a lofetime of 'family' events that you've had no input to.

YANBU in general, but I think you have potential to stray into BU territory.

Christmas- since baby isn’t here yet, I would honestly say to you that Christmas with both families is not something I’d advise because newborns don’t travel well and also prefer quiet to overstimulation. You’re also a new mum and will be still adapting. But your family deserve an answer by now, not a “we will see”. To continue with no decision, would BU in my opinion. Time to decide and tell them if you’re going or staying.

Mat leave- absolutely YANBU. Set days makes no sense. Just set requirement like x days notice of a visit. I don’t think you want them surprising you....

Holiday- you can’t expect all your DCs “firsts” to go just the way you imagine, especially “firsts” she will be too young to remember or appreciate. I’d accept the holiday they’ve booked and also book another week for just the 3 of you. Decide which firsts are truly milestones and that you absolutely will not share, but don’t fall into the trap of every first being just you, or just you and DH. This can cause rifts in families.

I think a proper sit down calm conversation "I'm so glad you're excited for our baby but I'm finding it all abit overwhelming and really need you to lower your expectations on our time."

Tell them you're not intending to visit anyone at Christmas and will have a chill time alone. Then if you change your mind it's a good thing, instead of you going back on an agreement and upsetting them. I did this by telling everyone we'd be having 2 weeks without visitors. When we invited people after a week it was a nice surprise. If they'd been expecting to visit within a day and we'd then made them wait a week it would not be welcome.

They absolutely should not have booked a holiday without even asking you. Just don't go. You haven't lost anything. Set a clear boundary. If they make plans without asking you you won't go along with it and they'll lose money.

Christmas- since baby isn’t here yet, I would honestly say to you that Christmas with both families is not something I’d advise because newborns don’t travel well and also prefer quiet to overstimulation.

This is just not true. Newborns sleep a lot. And anywhere. It’s older babies and children that don’t cope well with change of routine and noise.

I would honestly travel this Christmas when baby is small and a lot less hassle to travel with. It will be much more difficult and annoying in future years.

On the holiday, OP I don’t think you’ve thought this through. Holidays with an almost one year old (I assume, if end of mat leave) are not much fun. Spending it with family means childcare on tap! Happy days for you and DH with lie ins, someone to cook for you and tidy up and someone to babysit whilst you spend evenings in the pub!

Sorry, if only you'd checked with us before booking, but we actually have other plans. I'm sure you understand.

@Milkbottlelegs

Christmas- since baby isn’t here yet, I would honestly say to you that Christmas with both families is not something I’d advise because newborns don’t travel well and also prefer quiet to overstimulation.

This is just not true. Newborns sleep a lot. And anywhere. It’s older babies and children that don’t cope well with change of routine and noise.

I would honestly travel this Christmas when baby is small and a lot less hassle to travel with. It will be much more difficult and annoying in future years.

On the holiday, OP I don’t think you’ve thought this through. Holidays with an almost one year old (I assume, if end of mat leave) are not much fun. Spending it with family means childcare on tap! Happy days for you and DH with lie ins, someone to cook for you and tidy up and someone to babysit whilst you spend evenings in the pub!

It was true for me and my 4 DCs. We tried to take DC1 as a newborn on a long drive and they would not stop screaming in the car. We literally turned around and went home. The other 3 were the same. So don’t you dare tell me it’s “not true” it certainly was!

Well YANBU. But you would BU to just quietly go with them when you don't want to. You need to be clear with them OP, if you dont want them to think that this is something they can just do and you'll quietly do what they tell you. You don't want to get into a place where they just do what they want and assume you'll go because, well, you will.

For Xmas I'd think about what you want to do now TBH. You could say you can't agree to days and times to go to them because of the baby this early. So seeing as they want an answer right now you'll have to decline this year and not see them. You could say that you will be staying at home because it's too much with baby on her first Xmas, but they can come to you for tea and cake in the afternoon. You say whatever you want. But if you dont want them to keep asking, or worse just tell you what you'll do, you might want to think now of whatever will be least work for you.

Then the holiday you should tell them no. Make it clear that you won't be going, you have your own ideas for what you wanted to do, and you wont be quilted into going because they've booked it without asking.

"Unfortunately you've been premature with the booking mum and dad. We're going away as a family. We might be ok to go another year/time but we won't be doing this one. You should see if you can cancel now, or get it moved a year and we could come then, if you're going to lose money and next time ask first.".

Thanks all, some really good points made.

I agree I need to come up with a Christmas plan but baby is still 7 weeks away from due date, and really she could come sooner or later, so I could have a 3 month old or a 2 month old. I also have no clue what type of baby they are, so I think you’re right in that I need to give a ‘quiet Christmas at home’ and if we can host or travel we will.

@PlanDeRaccordement you make a good point on firsts and am I being ‘too precious’ on them already being a FTM, and I certainly don’t want to deprive any GP’s of being involved. However my DH and I have the best holidays away together, and holidays with parents (either set) historically have not been great. Not bad, but harder work, much less relaxed and more ‘planned’ with itinerary’s and structure which we prefer to not have when away. It has caused friction when they refuse to budge even if we suggest oh you carry on we are fine, we get huffs/puffs and ‘we are all here to be together!’ Maybe it would be different with a baby?! Who knows - maybe I’m narked as they’ve booked Cornwall, not near anything - no pubs/shops in walking distance so it would be driving! Not what I would have chosen.

I think I definitely need to go away and nip in the bud, as the more I go over it in my head the worse I feel. Like I am already anxious for something that hasn’t happened yet.

@MumW exactly my worry with the holiday, if we accept & agree to it, when does it end? I 100% know my mum will say ‘well it’s tradition’ and make it one to go every year or more often!

@Milkbottlelegs

Christmas- since baby isn’t here yet, I would honestly say to you that Christmas with both families is not something I’d advise because newborns don’t travel well and also prefer quiet to overstimulation.

This is just not true. Newborns sleep a lot. And anywhere. It’s older babies and children that don’t cope well with change of routine and noise.

I would honestly travel this Christmas when baby is small and a lot less hassle to travel with. It will be much more difficult and annoying in future years.

On the holiday, OP I don’t think you’ve thought this through. Holidays with an almost one year old (I assume, if end of mat leave) are not much fun. Spending it with family means childcare on tap! Happy days for you and DH with lie ins, someone to cook for you and tidy up and someone to babysit whilst you spend evenings in the pub!

Not true here - 2-3 months old, just established breastfeeding, baby still cluster feeding, were lucky to do a half hour drive without stopping and doubling our journey

As for the childcare on tap... why do you assume this women wants to leave her child with these people ? Especially when she is coming off maternity leave? What if this near one year old is breastfed to sleep at night, my two and a half year old still is and Co sleeps

Not all women parent the same, not all women need or want to leave the baby behind just to get pissed, and not all women have the opportunity or the want to.

@Thecathouse thank you, whilst I have no issues with any immediate family babysitting, I don’t know what feeding position we will be in, or how settled babe might be somewhere new etc

I’d hate to travel 4-5 hours to find she screams the house down for a week!

It’s also an extra weight on my DH’s annual leave, that he’d have too account for that year and you can bet your bottom dollar if we go away with my parents, his will want the same treatment! That’s possibly 12 annual leave days for two sep weeks with each family? Not allowing for our own hol, time off for childcare if poorly/emergency (we would always share this), weddings, Christmas etc!

YANBU at all.

I am often somewhat astounded at many a thread on MN where new parents exclude loving family, but all you are doing is saying "We don't know yet....Baby isn't here.... I have no idea how we will be feeling....So I don't want to commit yet" which is 100% the right thing to do.

Posters saying "they are so transportable at that age" are only talking about their dc, not all dc, and certainly not my dc. Some might have been, many aren't. which is exactly the point.

Nobody needs to know, in August, what anyone is doing at Christmas.

Re the Holiday - regardless of if you might , by that time, want a break away just the 3 of you, or whether you might appreciate the idea of a bigger group, the same applies. You don't know yet, but, whichever you feel at the time, you need to be really, really clear that you are not going to be doing on any holidays people try to guilt trip you on by booking it without consulting you. IF you decide to go on holiday with them, you'd be expected to be part of the discussion before any thought off booking.

@EverNapping

Sorry, if only you'd checked with us before booking, but we actually have other plans. I'm sure you understand.

That. It's absolutely ridiculous for them to have booked something without telling you, never mind asking you. You don't need to justify your decision because this is all on them.

"We don't know yet....Baby isn't here.... I have no idea how we will be feeling....So I don't want to commit yet"

Also that, as your response to the Christmas and the visiting questions. And any other decisions they want from you.

Mu 2cents worth. Messages are like packing for travel. Write down what you want to say. Delete half of it. Read it again. Delete half of that. Then pass the message on.

Brevity sounds strong and efficient. No one needs to know you are a dithering mess inside. But arguments are harder to have if one half doesn’t entertain it. Give your strong, brief message and stick to it. You will need this skill in future years because you will meet all sorts of idiots at school, pool, nursery etc.

“Baby needs to be here safely. Then I will decide what’s next”.

Naahhhh. You are not being unreasonable here at all. They're being way too overbearing and you need to nip it in the bud.

In your situation, I would not be doing anything that you don't want to be doing, people making arrangements around you for their own benefit would be a no no from me. I don't like pushy people, family or not.

I don’t agree with any of the comments. I think it sounds lovely that they’re so excited about a new grandchild, and want to be so involved.

@PlanDeRaccordement

YANBU in general, but I think you have potential to stray into BU territory.

Christmas- since baby isn’t here yet, I would honestly say to you that Christmas with both families is not something I’d advise because newborns don’t travel well and also prefer quiet to overstimulation. You’re also a new mum and will be still adapting. But your family deserve an answer by now, not a “we will see”. To continue with no decision, would BU in my opinion. Time to decide and tell them if you’re going or staying.

Mat leave- absolutely YANBU. Set days makes no sense. Just set requirement like x days notice of a visit. I don’t think you want them surprising you....

Holiday- you can’t expect all your DCs “firsts” to go just the way you imagine, especially “firsts” she will be too young to remember or appreciate. I’d accept the holiday they’ve booked and also book another week for just the 3 of you. Decide which firsts are truly milestones and that you absolutely will not share, but don’t fall into the trap of every first being just you, or just you and DH. This can cause rifts in families.

All of this....perfect advice. Sounds like it will be a very lucky baby having so many people to love it too.

I think you have been handling it really well.

However, Christmas can easily be sorted by saying you'll be staying at home.... and continue repeating that.

As for a 4-5hr journey for the imposed holiday... decline using the suggestion from EverNapping. It is important to put boundaries in place now.

I had to with my own mother when DS1 was 6 wks old as she was demanding we go visit various relatives of hers hours away.

Even now, many years later (DS1 is now 18yrs), l do remind her who is in charge and that l don't need her input when she oversteps

Don't turn your back on the family holiday just yet. Granted your parents should have spoken to you first before booking, and can not be annoyed if you can't or don't want to go.
However having others around to help is a god send. My DP put me on the spot other day inviting me on his parents holiday, when or first DS will be not even two months old. I've just we will see which everyone is fine with. Don't under estimate how hard it is to holiday with a baby who will by then be on the move and weaning. I always say it takes a village to raise a child. However do understand how overwhelming it can be making plans when your baby isn't even here. I had some anxiety about a holiday my partner has booked. It's so sorted now but it's difficult when they all look to you/us for answers and plans, when we are just trying to get the baby here safely and think about getting through the labour and first weeks of being parents.
However there are many advantages to holidaying with family. It's nice because you can go out for an evening with your DH for a meal or have some alone time, which is very important in a relationship.
I would wait for the arrival of baby before making decision about the holiday. See how you adapt. Same with Christmas. If family aren't happy tell them to carry on and make plans without you, they will soon stop badgering and let you get sorted.

They sound awfully entitled and selfish OP. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say you don’t know whether you’ll be up to travelling for Xmas etc. If they push you just say no.

Booking a holiday for you and your husband and child to go on without asking you is so breathtakingly rude that it would stop me caring about their feelings on any of it.