AIBU already? Parents & first grandchild

[Randomuser45678]

Changed name so not outing.

FTM, due soon, and first grandchild for my parents & baby in the family on my side.

Let me start by saying I know 100% everything comes from a good place and they mean well but ever since we told them, it’s been a constant stream of comments that has made me super anxious about when baby is here.

Christmas - we’ve always travelled for Christmas not having kids, to both sides of the family. With having a baby we’ve not committed to any Christmas plans yet. I keep being asked what our plans will be and I’ve said about 10 times now - we aren’t making any until baby is here & we know where we are. (Setting expectations early!) but this just doesn’t seem to be good enough and it keeps coming up!

Mat Leave - both parents are retired, but live roughly an hour away in opposite directions with us in the middle. Ive already had both parents try and confirm ‘set days’ they will visit me each week oh my Mat leave to ‘help’. Ive said no, I don’t want that kind of structure, I’m happy for visits but I am not agreeing set dats every bloody week! Apparently I am being unfair….

And now the latest…

DH and I were chatting just as you do, about booking a week away near the end of my Mat leave for a first family hol (just UK - maybe a cottage somewhere nice!) and my parents got a bit shifty and said oh well we’ve actually booked somewhere already for all of us (my sis/BIL) for similar time so we could all go away? I wasn’t asked, this wasn’t a suggestion it was a ‘we’ve booked it’. I didn’t say anything there and then but now im stewing that my DH and I will have to holiday with the whole family when we wanted to go away just us for her first time!

AIBU? How on earth do I deal? Ive tried to be clear, I haven’t given anyone false expectations but I feel as both sets are retired with no hobbies/no big friendship circle, this baby is their focus and it’s completely overwhelming me and they aren’t even here yet.

I am not offended if you tell me IABU as I know I’m also an emotional hotbed right now!

The reason why I think OP should just decide on Christmas now...and I think she said her ideal is a quiet one at home and not travelling to see the GPs is because for as long as she appears undecided and is vague the GPs will continue to work on her with pleadings, sulkings, we’ve planned this and that, we turned down such and such relatives because we set aside this spare room for you....all kinds of emotional black so, to turn that “we will see, I’m not sure” into a “yes”. If OP just decides now and firmly communicates that, she will experience some sulking but they won’t have time to create more arm twisting reasons.

After reading the updates from OP regarding the holiday and her mum likely to make it tradition, I understand the hesitancy in accepting it. I think as you would be on maternity leave, keep an open mind. It might be nice and you CAN make sure it’s not tradition by telling mum it’s one time holiday only possible because you are on maternity leave. Of course, if the holidays are usually hell, then probably would not be better with a baby but worse. So might be best to decline. Whatever you decide, be sure it is what you want, and not swayed by deciding based on pleasing your parents.

I do agree OP that your relationship with your parents seems to revolve around you pleasing them to avoid their disappointment or disapproval. It’s sad that’s been how you were raised because a parents love should not be conditional on the child/adult child being obedient to their every demand or wish. Your DH sounds very good for you and supportive of you changing this family dynamic with your parents. I wish you the best at navigating everything!

keep an open mind. It might be nice and you CAN make sure it’s not tradition by telling mum it’s one time holiday only possible because you are on maternity leave

Very wise. I think it would be interesting to see what relationships with adult children look like in 20 years time. There’s so much (over) protective parenting going on now that I imagine cutting the apron strings will be a lot more difficult.

Thanks everyone for your comments! Definitely good for thought, and I’ve had a good think today.

I think for the sale of my own anxiety I need to make a decision, be firm and then if I feel OK about changing it, or offering too, I’ll do so then.

My mum is visiting tomorrow so I’ll speak to her about Xmas then, but I think adopting a we can’t make plans now, please go ahead with your own so I am not delaying you is my best course of action until babe arrives and I truly know how I feel (and how babe is!)

In respect of the holiday, long chat with DH and I think we are going to decline for the moment because we simply can’t commit not knowing what the future holds but say if you are still going and we are able to join we will but we make no promises and don’t want to hear anything further on it I.e we will speak to them about it if we want too, and hopefully avoid any emotional blackmail nearer the time.

@Milkbottlelegs

Christmas- since baby isn’t here yet, I would honestly say to you that Christmas with both families is not something I’d advise because newborns don’t travel well and also prefer quiet to overstimulation.

This is just not true. Newborns sleep a lot. And anywhere. It’s older babies and children that don’t cope well with change of routine and noise.

I would honestly travel this Christmas when baby is small and a lot less hassle to travel with. It will be much more difficult and annoying in future years.

On the holiday, OP I don’t think you’ve thought this through. Holidays with an almost one year old (I assume, if end of mat leave) are not much fun. Spending it with family means childcare on tap! Happy days for you and DH with lie ins, someone to cook for you and tidy up and someone to babysit whilst you spend evenings in the pub!

My third newborn had reflux, tongue tie and undiagnosed allergies. They would feed, scream endlessly, vomit, fall asleep for 25 minutes, then wake up and do the whole thing again. I barely slept for 4.5 months. So I think it's fine for OP to say they're not yet ready to commit to Xmas with a newborn until nearer the time. Numbers 1+2 slept better OP, although not through the night until 12 weeks (number 1) and 18 months (number 2!)

You sound so stressed already. You've done the right thing passing some of the burden to your Husband and he sounds like he will do his utmost to pick up the slack.

You are allowed to enjoy being pregnant and those first few weeks without it being a total circus you know. I'm quite tough and blunt but even I caved in when all my bloody siblings got carted over by my father when my son was born, there's an awful lot of them and they were all under 13 at the time.

Arm your Husband with a set of instructions and possibly a flame-thrower

Arm your Husband with a set of instructions and possibly a flame-thrower grin

@Yesitsbess not a bad idea!

@Milkbottlelegs

Christmas- since baby isn’t here yet, I would honestly say to you that Christmas with both families is not something I’d advise because newborns don’t travel well and also prefer quiet to overstimulation.

This is just not true. Newborns sleep a lot. And anywhere. It’s older babies and children that don’t cope well with change of routine and noise.

I would honestly travel this Christmas when baby is small and a lot less hassle to travel with. It will be much more difficult and annoying in future years.

On the holiday, OP I don’t think you’ve thought this through. Holidays with an almost one year old (I assume, if end of mat leave) are not much fun. Spending it with family means childcare on tap! Happy days for you and DH with lie ins, someone to cook for you and tidy up and someone to babysit whilst you spend evenings in the pub!

I've been trying to get my family to come on holiday with us for this very reason 😂😂

1. A lot of it depends on what kind of grandparents they are likely to be. Are they actually going to be genuinely helpful (cleaning up, dealing with some laundry, bringing shopping round), or are they likely to come and clutter the place up (sitting there on the couch clucking over the baby while demanding tea and cake)?

1. I think they sound a bit pushy. However, as other posters have said, don't fall into the trap of being the first-time parent who gets obsessed with "firsts." I've seen this before and it doesn't end well.

@Randomuser45678 you are being very kind saying you’re family mean well when booking holidays etc but to me it sounds like they are being selfish and are considering their own needs. Who on earth books a holiday for another family without checking it works for them esp when one or both are working?
Plans have to work for all of you, so it doesn’t mean never going away with your family nor always pandering to their needs.
Keep setting the boundaries that way you can all enjoy your time together without it being stressful.

I think you’re missing a trick with the holiday. There’s no reason why you can’t have your own family holiday and go with your parents with just the baby. The only thing that rations the number of holidays you can have is usually annual leave and you won’t have that restriction. I’d make the most of mat leave, this is the only time you’ll have it with just one child.

We set expectations around xmas very early on in our relationship. We lived around 4 hours (in opposite directions) from our families when we got married and have spent Xmas (generally) away with friends, seeing parents for a weekend each at some time between Nov and Feb. This didn’t change when we had DD (by which point one set of parents was a 8 hour flight away). She was 6 weeks old when we drove to PIL in Dec for them to see her “around Xmas”. Apart from needing to stop every hour to take her out of the car seat it was a very smooth journey.

11 years on that’s dwindled too. We don’t make a fuss about Xmas though, so you may want to do things more traditionally.

YANBU! For Christmas, yes to breakfast/afternoon tea, but how will you get rid if they won’t go? What if you’re knackered and the baby won’t settle? You’re not supposed to have a baby in a car seat for more than an hour so travelling to theirs and back in a day isn’t ideal.

Re the holiday, I’d be fuming that they’ve booked for you without consulting you, so I wouldn’t be going, who’s to say your dh can get the annual leave?

As for set days during your ml, dear god, just no! How horrific and limiting would that be? What if you need to sleep/have appointments/attend a baby group? It would ruin your ml to have a set schedule like that.

You’re not supposed to have a baby in a car seat for more than an hour so travelling to theirs and back in a day isn’t ideal.

That’s an hour at a time, not per day.

Very sympathetic OP I would have felt the same . 2 DC in I would add though it depends on how much help they are.
People who really help end up seeing the DC a lot. Those who always expect us to go to them or be 'hosted' when they visit see them a lot less. This is partly down to the effect it requires from me versus giving me a rest but also the more engaged they are with the DC the more they want to see them.
One GP in our case took shifts with a newborn so whenever they visited they got up at 4am to take the baby who would only sleep on someone. It was a fantastic help. They still visit and we visit them a lot. They still help a lot and don't need to be looked after. Don't risk turning down this kind of help but equally do not run around hosting people and doing what they want when you're hormonal and tired. I made that mistake the first time. I was clear the second time it wouldn't be happening.

You’ve got some great advice here. I would suggest you and DH deciding what your boundaries and expectations are, then stick to them from the beginning. Yes, they are excited, but their excitement shouldn’t dictate what you do with your life.

I have a very similar situation with my in laws - wanting 2/3 set days per week, expectation of family holiday every year without asking us, wanting to facetime read a bedtime story EVERY single night. I tried being super nice about it and we made gentle excuses for things we felt were an unrealistic expectation. Wish we’d just been honest and said “that’s not going to work for us, but thanking for thinking of us.”

Start how you mean to go on! My two are 2 and 4 now and we still have to make up the odd excuse because they don’t understand our life is our own. Kindness and communication can help both parties here.

@NavigatingAdolescence

You’re not supposed to have a baby in a car seat for more than an hour so travelling to theirs and back in a day isn’t ideal.

That’s an hour at a time, not per day.

Yes but if the drive is normally, say, 2 hours you’re looking at needing to stop to get the baby out after an hour, feed, change, etc. Then you’ve got another hour drive to contend with, so a “2 hour drive” can easily become at least 3 hours, and that’s each way. Who wants to spend 6-odd hours in a car on Christmas Day?

As I said, our usual 4 hour journey took 6 with a newborn.

We set up not spending Xmas day years before so that’s a moot point for me.

The OP could feasibly do 4 1 hour journeys on Xmas day if they wanted to without the need for any additional breaks.

@ImFree2doasiwant

I'd stay at home for Christmas, and get them to cone to you boxing day maybe? I was going to suggest going to parents now before the baby is older - I spend Christmas at my parents with my 2 DC but it's not ideal and only because I'm single . Then I realised you'd be travelling an hour with a newborn. Don't do it!! They might ge fine . They might scream the whole way.

Set days - I actually quite liked this. I knew who was coming when. Dobt set them now though, you might find baby groups or similar to go to.

Holiday- no chance. DH can't get that week off. Best if you run it by us before booking anything.

What's wrong travelling a whole hour with a new-born? Some of us travel almost so long to get to Sainsburys, it's nothing!

"We're not making any definite plans for holiday/Christmas/Easter/visits (etc) until baby is here and we've got a bit of parenting under our belts - I'm sure you understand" - rinse and repeat.

They sound quite exhausting! I don't think YABU personally. Babies are all very different - you may be fine going here there and everywhere immediately after baby is born, you may be feeling overwhelmed and just wanting to stay close to home, you may be somewhere in the middle there's no way really to know yet.

I personally hate the idea of an isolated holiday cottage with a baby. We did a coastal town break with 4 month old DC1 and it was fab - mooching in coffee shops, bit of beach time, some trips further afield in the car - but it was all very flexible and we didn't have to drive anywhere if we didn't want to, as there was plenty to do just outside the apartment door. We did do a more isolated cottage-type break when DC1 was 12 months and it was nice enough, but I preferred being in a town/close to amenities personally. Also, that was just the three of us, so we could please ourselves and didn't have anyone planning an itinerary and badgering us to do stuff each day.

Stand your ground firmly but politely, I don't think you're unreasonable to do so.

DD’s 1st Xmas (10 weeks) was spent on the top of a hill in the Scottish highlands at least 2 miles from the nearest neighbour. No phone signal, good friends, good food. Never had a better Xmas.