AIBU already? Parents & first grandchild

[Randomuser45678]

Changed name so not outing.

FTM, due soon, and first grandchild for my parents & baby in the family on my side.

Let me start by saying I know 100% everything comes from a good place and they mean well but ever since we told them, it’s been a constant stream of comments that has made me super anxious about when baby is here.

Christmas - we’ve always travelled for Christmas not having kids, to both sides of the family. With having a baby we’ve not committed to any Christmas plans yet. I keep being asked what our plans will be and I’ve said about 10 times now - we aren’t making any until baby is here & we know where we are. (Setting expectations early!) but this just doesn’t seem to be good enough and it keeps coming up!

Mat Leave - both parents are retired, but live roughly an hour away in opposite directions with us in the middle. Ive already had both parents try and confirm ‘set days’ they will visit me each week oh my Mat leave to ‘help’. Ive said no, I don’t want that kind of structure, I’m happy for visits but I am not agreeing set dats every bloody week! Apparently I am being unfair….

And now the latest…

DH and I were chatting just as you do, about booking a week away near the end of my Mat leave for a first family hol (just UK - maybe a cottage somewhere nice!) and my parents got a bit shifty and said oh well we’ve actually booked somewhere already for all of us (my sis/BIL) for similar time so we could all go away? I wasn’t asked, this wasn’t a suggestion it was a ‘we’ve booked it’. I didn’t say anything there and then but now im stewing that my DH and I will have to holiday with the whole family when we wanted to go away just us for her first time!

AIBU? How on earth do I deal? Ive tried to be clear, I haven’t given anyone false expectations but I feel as both sets are retired with no hobbies/no big friendship circle, this baby is their focus and it’s completely overwhelming me and they aren’t even here yet.

I am not offended if you tell me IABU as I know I’m also an emotional hotbed right now!

You're doing the right thing. Just keep saying you want a quiet Christmas at home and you want a first family holiday together.

Before we had kids we went to parent's for Xmas;after we didn't. It was just too complicated with all the things they need and presents etc. The same goes for them making plans about when they visit. It's just not acceptable to make plans and expect you to agree. You need to tell them, kindly but firmly, that you are making no plans until nearer the time and leave it at that. No discussion at all.

Deebee they can be involved and interested without imposing plans on a yet to be born baby and its parents who have no idea what parenting will be like and what kind of baby they'll have. They could say, 'once you're sorted, give us a call and we'll come'. They could say 'we're only an hour a way so call at the weekend and we'll work out a day this week to visit'. They could say 'we'd be thrilled to see you at Xmas.. Nearer the time, let's see how baby is doing and make a plan'. Being involved doesn't mean steamrollering your way into things.

It's so much easier to have Christmas at home with a baby/children. We had always travelled to family before children but then told everyone we planned to stay at home and they were welcome to visit. My PILs then always came to us and were great at helping with cooking, walking dogs, reading stories etc. Others visited for lunch/tea etc. Worked really well for us.

Yes I don’t think they mean to be entitled, I know it comes from a good place and they are excited - I also know they don’t have that much going on so I do also feel like they are using my baby to ‘fill the gap’ so to speak, without realising how overbearing it’s becoming.

Christmas 100% I need to keep repeating what most have said, I don’t know but once I do know I will let you know. Outside of that I don’t know what else I can do, I really do have no clue how both of us will feel, and we need to factor in our dog too. The fear of packing us all up to travel with all the stuff babies need and our dog, fills me with dread already!

The holiday - quite possibly it was rude but I do think it was booked with genuine excitement but maybe without consideration of us, more what they wanted. I think my parents forget we don’t get endless annual leave (this was pre kids anyway!) my mum hasn’t worked for a few years, and my dad is essentially his own boss so works when he wants. We both work for large corporate companies with strict allowances on time off, and not a lot of flexibility esp. my husband as his role is very senior. I’m worried if we accept the offer in good faith, they’ll make it an annual thing.

I know this because they tried to make a Christmas market weekend an ‘annual thing’ a few years back when we all went once for a long festive weekend to Brussels - we did all have to politely but firmly decline going a third year, whilst away on the second year as that had been booked for us all without confirmation.

I possibly enable them, thinking about this as I type, as I don’t speak up quick enough - my parents love to have us and will spend their money treating us which is so very kind, but it is generally their way on what they want, they mean well of course. However I have let them do this, so maybe they don’t realise it’s not always wanted and now I’m struggling to set boundaries as they’ve never had them before - hence the anxious feeling.

Let’s not even get me started on how much stuff has been bought for the baby and/or how much my mum has tried to take over in telling me what I need/don’t need! Luckily I’ve been a little firmer with that as i know if I don’t set that now, I’ll have no hope in the future.

@KatieB55

It's so much easier to have Christmas at home with a baby/children. We had always travelled to family before children but then told everyone we planned to stay at home and they were welcome to visit. My PILs then always came to us and were great at helping with cooking, walking dogs, reading stories etc. Others visited for lunch/tea etc. Worked really well for us.

This would be my ideal, but I’m not sure I’d want to host Christmas dinner either with a newborn.

Maybe I could offer breakfast sandwiches to one half, and afternoon tea and cake to the other? That might be a better solution and keeps both sets involved on babies first Christmas!

Say you're having Christmas at home just the 3 of you.

Don't go on the holiday. Why would you go one something booked for you without asking? Set the precedent they need to ask first by not going.

I would not go with that plan! You'd be frazzled.

Stick with the plan of saying you're not sure what you're doing until baby arrives and you'll let them know when you've decided. The last thing you want is "the annual" Christmas bloody breakfast sandwich becoming a thing!

@Yesitsbess

I would not go with that plan! You'd be frazzled.

Stick with the plan of saying you're not sure what you're doing until baby arrives and you'll let them know when you've decided. The last thing you want is "the annual" Christmas bloody breakfast sandwich becoming a thing!

Very true! Probably wouldn’t be enough time and they’d expect the full day anyway… they do love to go all out for Christmas! Last year due to Covid non of us could get together, and they was a major sulk…

The holiday thing - well you already have a holiday planned? So you don’t even need to lie about that. You have another holiday planned, they should have checked with you first. Sorry but you can’t go with them!

@Hercisback

Say you're having Christmas at home just the 3 of you.

Don't go on the holiday. Why would you go one something booked for you without asking? Set the precedent they need to ask first by not going.

This 100% - they need to start seeing you as an autonomous family of 3, not just their daughter who they have got used to making decisions for in the past. Now is a great time to make it clear you will set your boundaries and stick to them .

I do empathise, my grandparents have always hosted Christmas and we generally have to confirm by August or face it being brought up once a week until we do!

We have all (my mum and uncle and I) now reached a timetable where we do one Xmas 'on' and one off, and we tend to take them out now instead of them hosting.

And I agree with PP on the holiday, if they haven't asked you, just say you've already booked something. It's a neat swerve and it also tells them that they really ought to at least consult you no matter how good their intentions.

@Randomuser45678 I really feel for you, it can’t be very nice worrying about all this before baby has even arrived.

Are your parents/ILs usually so keen to know what you’re doing for Christmas by August? Seems quite early for them to be putting the pressure on. Perhaps they’re trying to call dibs? In which case, reassure them that whilst you will be saying put at home, everyone will get the chance to see baby over the Christmas period and say you will confirm plans closer to the time.

Does your OH get involved with the conversations much? Maybe ask him to field his side of the family a little if necessary, if you feel you’re having to repeat yourself a lot.

It will all be fine when it comes to it. But when you’re pregnant and there’s so much unknown, you want to be able to focus on the things that matter most to you, not outside pressures from other people. I agree with others that you need to be firm about the holiday, if you don’t want to go, say so. Was this mentioned to you at all before you told them you planned to go away as a three?

Good luck with it all!

Just a point, there are recommendations on how long a small baby should spend in a car seat at any one time - such a shame that this prevents long car journeys

Re Christmas - “We want to start our own family traditions now” is always a good one.

The holiday - sorry I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of a holiday booked by someone else with no consultation. It’s rude and presumptuous, and yes I suspect you’re right that it will suddenly become “a tradition” which you are expected to honour every year.

Be firm .

Christmas- As its our first xmas as a family, we are staying home.
we will visit after xmas/boxing day though.

Holiday- We are going away on our first family holoday together alone. Next time, perhaps ask us our plans rather than assume.

Set Days- There will be no set days for visits each week, its unfair to assume we wont have our own plans around any days you want to visit.

Just keep repeating and Dont give in

They might want to be 'so involved'. But OP's wants come first.
Be very very wary of starting anything that will be set in stone. Voice of experience.
And of course you don't 'have' to go on this holiday. I don't quite understand that. If you've a good relationship you can simply say no thanks? They don't seem to worry about what's convenient for you and they're not in charge, instead, quite manipulative.

I'd stay at home for Christmas, and get them to cone to you boxing day maybe? I was going to suggest going to parents now before the baby is older - I spend Christmas at my parents with my 2 DC but it's not ideal and only because I'm single . Then I realised you'd be travelling an hour with a newborn. Don't do it!! They might ge fine . They might scream the whole way.

Set days - I actually quite liked this. I knew who was coming when. Dobt set them now though, you might find baby groups or similar to go to.

Holiday- no chance. DH can't get that week off. Best if you run it by us before booking anything.

if we can host or travel we will.

No! Say no now and let that be it. We said no more travel at Christmas when DS was born. Our families (3 and 4 hours away) come down at new year.

This would have driven me crazy. I think I’d go with repeating ‘If you need a decision now, then we’ll have to say it’s a no’ about both Christmas and the holiday.
We were invited to a wedding away from home scheduled for 2 months after our first was due. We weren’t feeling confident to commit to that before the baby arrived and said the same.
In that case, the couple were lovely and just let us know their deadline for confirming numbers so we could decide the week before. We went and it was great, but there are a hundred different things that could have happened with the birth and the first weeks of parenting that would have staying at home would have been the right choice.

@Tessie87 Yes luckily DH is a saint, he has no issue shutting down either side. He is firmly on my side, and is being led by me completely and what I want as he says ‘you’ll be the one recovering here not me, tell me what you want and when you want it’ so very lucky to have him!

I think both sides are very keen to see baby, maybe not so much a dibs thing but certainly does feel like that.

I think the pressure comes from my mum mostly, she always hosts, and she loves it, goes all out even though both my sister and I are married adults in our 30’s. We still get stockings, glitter round the fireplace from Santa, the big family walk with the pooches, full Christmas dinner and even now a ridiculous amount of gifts (another worry entirely!). We’ve tried suggesting toning it down, we offer to contribute but it all falls on deaf ears.

I think she wants to start planning (again goes back to her not having that much to do!) and knowing that she’ll get to do her Christmas where as I am quiet keen to start my own Christmas at home with my baby, and nah future sibling they may have. I don’t remember being taken to my grandparents for Christmas as a kid, neither does my husband.

@Milkbottlelegs

Christmas- since baby isn’t here yet, I would honestly say to you that Christmas with both families is not something I’d advise because newborns don’t travel well and also prefer quiet to overstimulation.

This is just not true. Newborns sleep a lot. And anywhere. It’s older babies and children that don’t cope well with change of routine and noise.

I would honestly travel this Christmas when baby is small and a lot less hassle to travel with. It will be much more difficult and annoying in future years.

On the holiday, OP I don’t think you’ve thought this through. Holidays with an almost one year old (I assume, if end of mat leave) are not much fun. Spending it with family means childcare on tap! Happy days for you and DH with lie ins, someone to cook for you and tidy up and someone to babysit whilst you spend evenings in the pub!

4m was exactly the point mine hated cars and screamed the whole time, so I sat next to them and tried to fight off tears myself, and cancelled all unnecessary car trips. Baby never slept either so travel and staying at peoples houses was exhausting. Glad it worked for your baby but pretty silly advice to give for another baby when they are all different.

@CaveMum I think you might be right, and actually I’ve given my parents too much leeway in the past which now means they continue to do what they want without consulting us. My DH is great and has always gone along with anything but even he doesn’t want a week away with his own parents and our baby, a long weekend - yes, a whole week? No,

I think I need to say now we aren’t going and we’ve already made our holiday plans or it will become expected. I just hate that feeling like I’m a teenager again letting down my parents to be ‘disappointed’ even though I’ve done nothing wrong!

Christmas 100% I need to keep repeating what most have said, I don’t know but once I do know I will let you know.

Why? Why not say that, as they want a decision now, your decision is to stay at home with the baby on your own?

Be firm.
Tell them that it's too early to decide on Christmas
and you're not actually giving birth to Jesus.

Holiday the same.
Will let you know. End of subject.

I’d go with repeating ‘If you need a decision now, then we’ll have to say it’s a no’ about both Christmas and the holiday.

This is absolutely what I’d say.

Also the once a week on a set day visiting thing. Tell them you cannot decide that now, as you will want to sign up to baby classes etc so no point trying to fix a day now and them make plans when it could change. Make it clear you would be going to the classes you want so it would be them inconvenienced by setting a fixed day now.