AIBU already? Parents & first grandchild

[Randomuser45678]

Changed name so not outing.

FTM, due soon, and first grandchild for my parents & baby in the family on my side.

Let me start by saying I know 100% everything comes from a good place and they mean well but ever since we told them, it’s been a constant stream of comments that has made me super anxious about when baby is here.

Christmas - we’ve always travelled for Christmas not having kids, to both sides of the family. With having a baby we’ve not committed to any Christmas plans yet. I keep being asked what our plans will be and I’ve said about 10 times now - we aren’t making any until baby is here & we know where we are. (Setting expectations early!) but this just doesn’t seem to be good enough and it keeps coming up!

Mat Leave - both parents are retired, but live roughly an hour away in opposite directions with us in the middle. Ive already had both parents try and confirm ‘set days’ they will visit me each week oh my Mat leave to ‘help’. Ive said no, I don’t want that kind of structure, I’m happy for visits but I am not agreeing set dats every bloody week! Apparently I am being unfair….

And now the latest…

DH and I were chatting just as you do, about booking a week away near the end of my Mat leave for a first family hol (just UK - maybe a cottage somewhere nice!) and my parents got a bit shifty and said oh well we’ve actually booked somewhere already for all of us (my sis/BIL) for similar time so we could all go away? I wasn’t asked, this wasn’t a suggestion it was a ‘we’ve booked it’. I didn’t say anything there and then but now im stewing that my DH and I will have to holiday with the whole family when we wanted to go away just us for her first time!

AIBU? How on earth do I deal? Ive tried to be clear, I haven’t given anyone false expectations but I feel as both sets are retired with no hobbies/no big friendship circle, this baby is their focus and it’s completely overwhelming me and they aren’t even here yet.

I am not offended if you tell me IABU as I know I’m also an emotional hotbed right now!

Start as you mean to go on. Say no to the holiday if you don't want to go on it. And for goodness sake when you book something for yourself don't tell them. They sound like they'd turn up and "surprise" you. Be vague and give as little info out as you can.

Book your holiday with your dh. Tell them that if you are on ml, you and dc will be happy to come without him. Let's face it, they ain't fussed about dh coming!

No one can force you to go on a holiday if you don’t want to! They booked it without even asking you - that’s on them!

Christmas is a minefield but again, no one can actually force you to do anything!

...you can bet your bottom dollar if we go away with my parents, his will want the same treatment!

I had this when my DD (September born) was a baby. My parents only have me and no other family locally. XH was one of 3 with a very matriarchal mum who expected everything to revolve around her.

First Christmas - we stayed at home, family visited for a couple of hours late afternoon/early evening for sausage rolls, crisps and cake.

The following two we had to divide between them, including a 3.5 hour trip halfway up the country on Christmas Day as MIL had gone to BILs but would not be deprived of seeing her DGD on Christmas Day.

By the time DD was 3 we refused to see either family on Christmas Day.

However portable small babies are in theory, you just don't know how they'll be with feeding or crowds of people and it's so stressful. DD had colic and remember chopping my Christmas dinner into bite size pieces and eating it one handed whilst trying to settle her - I was so grateful not to have an audience.

The families expecting to be treated exactly the same at all times if probably the biggest reason for setting your boundaries in the first place. If you're feeling generous, maybe suggest a weekend away with your parents sometime instead.

Absolutely do not commit to set days a week for them to visit and 'help'...that way madness lies.

@PopcornMuncher

Start as you mean to go on. Say no to the holiday if you don't want to go on it. And for goodness sake when you book something for yourself don't tell them. They sound like they'd turn up and "surprise" you. Be vague and give as little info out as you can.

You’re absolutely right - I think they would! They mean well and would see it as a good thing, but would have no issue turning up as a surprise to help.

I’ve already had countless offers to babysit around Christmas so I can ‘go out’ and I’ve been fairly firm on that already, in that I don’t plan to leave my newborn with anyone overnight at all, maybe an hour or so if needed, but my DH is capable and the babies father - he’ll look after her if I need to pop out without baby, and if we decide to go out for a meal together we’d likely take LO with us and go early being so young. Even the babysitting offers are overwhelming- why are GP’s so keen to separate a new mum from her first baby? I want my own routine first!

Yoh may find the set days for grandparents visits quite handy once you’ve settled into a routine, but there is no point in committing now. Eg if Wednesday is a good stay and play baby group day, you wouldn’t want a visitor that day. And with all the research in the world, stuff will crop up once baby has arrived that you won’t be aware of yet so it’s tricky to plan.

I had a 7 week old for our first Christmas and we went to SIL’s, had a nice time but went home early. Thankfully she’s only about an hour from us so it was doable. Honestly it’s all a bit of a blur because DD was never a sleeper… I’ve never understood this “newborns sleep a lot” as mine didn’t 😂

The holiday is a bit cheeky, to have booked without asking. We did a trip with dad at 5m as DH had a milestone birthday. It was a bit of a faff in many ways, but in other ways it was good because there were loads of people to pitch in if that makes sense? Could you just go for some of the time that’s been booked and tag on a few days after just the three of you?

Mine was the first and likely only grandchild on both sides and it does get a bit full on. Keep remembering it’s from a good place, keep setting boundaries that suit you, keep breathing and best of luck when DC arrives 🥰

I understand how you feel! Ours isn't here yet either and I haven't had as much pressure as you, but have had so much offer of 'help' from MIL from a good place that I really don't think I want/need and it stressed me out. I've handled it in the same way as you to make it clear you want __visits and not big set help.

I imagine when the baby is a bit older and the newborn stage is past it might be more helpful and a relief to accept more help (so I've been told by other mums). You may also find that they're over estimating how much they actually will be around in the excitement of the baby coming and when they're here you might even find it hard for them to come help even when you want them to (this is what my SIL has found with my MIL)!

It's tough working out what to do for Christmas, we're thinking quiet family Christmas at home with baby is least stressful and keeps more peace with both families and you can see both sets of them either side of the big day

They’re expecting your baby to travel 4/5 hours at what age? I wouldn’t consider it unless you want to, which you don’t.

The max time spent with no breaks for a newborn in a conventional seat is now recommended as 30 mins. After that it’s 2 hours. A 4-5 hour journey will take a long time with a baby. I’ve done it myself when dd was about 6 weeks old and stopped at least every 2 hours for an hour or so (but wouldn’t again after babies suffocated to death and the guidelines changed and lie flat seats didn’t exist). Constant stops, feeds etc, you’re looking at doubling the time easily even if there is no traffic.

Just tell them it’s too far due to the suffocation risk to your baby and you can’t get the time off on those dates. Then book and do your own thing.

@MyMummyHasGotABigBottom That’s a good idea, even if not ideal we could go for 3 days where my parents have booked at the end and then boom 4 days somewhere for just us 3 - still not an ideal solution but would certainly keep the peace more!

Hope your baby sleeps a bit more now!

@AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken it’s overwhelming isn’t it - I mean baby isn’t even here yet, how do any of us know how much ‘help’ we might want and/or need! I’m very lucky that I know DH will be very hands on, so between two of us we should be able to set down something without intervention, but equally we want GP’s to have a good relationship with LO without us feeling overwhelmed. I think it’ll be a tough balance and they’ll likely be some cross words at some point - although I hope not.

Yes I think a quiet Christmas at home and see each set/families either side is a good option!

The holiday is easy. If you’re on mat leave and don’t have to take annual leave, you and the baby go on your parents’ holiday. Then you have another one with DH. Have as many holidays as you can!

Do Christmas Day alone and see parents on Christmas Eve, Boxing Day or any other day that suits.

This thread is making me want to send my DM and MIL some flowers. All the pressure is overwhelming just to read about.

If your baby ends up being like my first, you really won't want to go to someone else's house for a big, super structured Christmas. Stay home with all your stuff and quiet rooms where you can have a snooze, get DH to cook something you both like then have a glass of champagne on the sofa snuggling baby. Your DM sounds like the sort to get miffed if Christmas Dinner is 'spoiled' by an explosive nappy and cluster feeding session.

The 'holiday' sounds awful. At that age my DD hated being in the car and was a very early riser, plus she walked and climbed. Being stuck in a house with other peoples' breakables, having to be sssshhhh quiet from 5am until 9am, and not being able to shove shoes and coat on and go out for an emergency stroll - horrifying. Plus if your baby doesn't fit in with your mum's imaginary perfect schedule you'll get grief. Just say no.

Oh and I didn't want people to babysit my children when they were small. My DM came and helped by doing laundry and ironing while I got to sit down. Far more useful than taking an EBF baby away from her food source.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about keeping the peace.....If you don't put your collective feet down now, this will just get worse. Remember the MN line....."thats not going to work for us"

At least they are interested and care. I would loved for either set of parents to show the same amount of love and interest.

Christmas - Tell them now that you are not seeing anyone, and then if you feel up to it, you can surprise them in a good way. They can make alternative plans. Most people like to know what they are doing for xmas it is not unreasonable.

Mat - leave one afternoon a week won't be terrible but keep it flexible. You might be very glad of a break/help.

Holidays - Do your own long baby weekend away together as a family and say you will try and join the family holiday if you can. You will let them know closer to the time,

Honestly op, you are allowing this to become a big thing. Be more assertive and it won't feel overhwhelming.

I don't understand why anyone is advising you that you need to already decide Christmas plans. We're still in august. You do not need to make a decision on that yet. A month or twos notice is plenty.
Regarding the holiday, just tell them that you can't make it. You already have your own planned, and dh can't take the time off as you need to save annual days for other things coming up.

I think it is unlikely you will find motherhood absolutely easy and effortless, you might be extremely glad of the help. You forget your parents have had babies and they know full well how hard it is. They are looking out for you.

Honestly op, you are allowing this to become a big thing. Be more assertive and it won't feel overhwhelming

I think you are 100% right.

Forgot to add to my earlier comment, but don’t let yourself get tied down to “set visiting days” either. As soon as you do that you set a precedent and you’ll get sulking and emotional blackmail if you have to change “their day”, or demands of an alternative to make up for their “lost day”.

As others have said you’ll find baby groups you want to go, make mum friends who you want to meet up with for a coffee or a visit to soft play as they get bigger.

It also sets up the potential for demands on your weekends as your child starts nursery/school and they lose their midweek visit. The next thing you know your in an obligation to visit Grandparents A every Saturday and Grandparents B every Sunday and you’ve lost your precious family time.

I think it’s really nice that your parents are asking if they can see you every week, especially as you don’t have family nearby. Surely saying “every Sunday” would be better as you don’t have to do a mad rush sorting the house, the baby and yourself out.

Christmas at your parents might be a good idea as you’ll have your childhood bedroom to rest in if you feel tired. As for the holiday, just say that you’re not sure if you’ll be ready, but you’ll let her know.

@stepupandbecounted yes.
However good gps will be led by the mother who should be able to ask for help when and how she needs it.

Maybe it would be different with a baby?!

It’ll be worse! Do not do the holiday. And I speak from experience here. My parents booked us a weekend away in the same accommodation, without telling us either and we went thinking ‘it won’t be too bad’. They’re usually quite suffocating as it is, expecting to do most things together etc but with children it was so so much worse, they wanted to do everything with us because they didn’t want to miss a second with them. It was just too much. We like to keep the DC in their bedtime routine on holiday (both under 4) so that we can sit with a few drinks and relax in the evening. My mom suggested taking them out, returned over 2 hours late for bedtime, despite me saying not for long, and then we had to deal with them not sleeping until 11 and being grumpy the next day. Just say you want to do your own holiday.

As for Christmas, the first one I would just do at home. You’ll be knackered having a baby that young and can just have a chilled out day. We did for DD1s first Xmas (she was a few months) and it was really nice as our first Xmas as a family. See family on Xmas Eve/Boxing Day instead. Also, do the first one your way rather than get into a routine of having to see people every year.

And as for mat leave just say you’ll be going to baby groups etc so can’t commit to any days.

@stepupandbecounted

At least they are interested and care. I would loved for either set of parents to show the same amount of love and interest.

Christmas - Tell them now that you are not seeing anyone, and then if you feel up to it, you can surprise them in a good way. They can make alternative plans. Most people like to know what they are doing for xmas it is not unreasonable.

Mat - leave one afternoon a week won't be terrible but keep it flexible. You might be very glad of a break/help.

Holidays - Do your own long baby weekend away together as a family and say you will try and join the family holiday if you can. You will let them know closer to the time,

Honestly op, you are allowing this to become a big thing. Be more assertive and it won't feel overhwhelming.

Please don’t think that I don’t care, nor wouldn’t be grateful for their help but I just feel like I’m getting stamped on all over for what they want and what I want isn’t being considered.

I.E I wasn’t consulted for a holiday, I don’t know what I want for Christmas, I don’t know how this baby will be or what her needs will be, babysitting etc

There’s a whole heap of comments I’ve not included that have built up to this. Demands to see ‘my bump’ on video calls (which I’m self conscious about), buying nappies and wipes for me in the brand they’ve chosen (I’m trying to be environmentally friendly as I can, and was considering cloth nappies or environmentally friendly disposable ones but no I’ve been bought what they would have used), Comments about formula feeding, comments about nurseries (I won’t need one because they will do it - actually I quite like the idea of baby going to nursery for social skills!), being told ‘I won’t need to worry about the baby weight - I’ll snap back’ well what if I don’t? Suggesting baby names, suggesting nursery themes, pulling faces when I talk about my birth plan (I want a midwife led birth if possible) because it’s not safe and I should be in the main labour ward, not happy I don’t want visitors the same day I come home (we have a dog and settling her is my priority she is very very attached to me), it goes on!

Please don’t think I’m making a big fuss, I know it comes from a good place but it’s really hard to navigate at the moment and I was just looking for advice on similar situations. I know they love me, DH and this baby more then I could ever imagine.

@godmum56

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about keeping the peace.....If you don't put your collective feet down now, this will just get worse. Remember the MN line....."thats not going to work for us"

You’re right. I think I am definitely overthinking and need to be firm with my decision and move on.

I would say you want Christmas at home this year just the 3 of you but you can go over on Boxing Day for a couple of hours?
Holiday, again i would say no, i get you can't have all her firsts just the 2 of you but a first holiday should be something you control. We didn't do an extend family holiday until she was 18m old and by that age it was nice having extra help.

Yes and it is up to op to firmly set her own boundaries debetswell They sound like puppies full of excitement, a wonderful moment for them and they are just trying to help.

Gentle but firm guidance is needed.

'I will be doing baby groups/yoga/NCT so I can't confirm a weekly day you can visit'

' We are having a quiet christmas, I would love to see you for an hour on christmas eve can you bring the cake?'

'We won't be deciding on holidays until the spring of next year, but thank you for the invitation'

'I am not sure how I feel about being away from my baby, so I will let you know if we need any help with babysitting. It is so kind of you offer, thank you'