AIBU already? Parents & first grandchild

[Randomuser45678]

Changed name so not outing.

FTM, due soon, and first grandchild for my parents & baby in the family on my side.

Let me start by saying I know 100% everything comes from a good place and they mean well but ever since we told them, it’s been a constant stream of comments that has made me super anxious about when baby is here.

Christmas - we’ve always travelled for Christmas not having kids, to both sides of the family. With having a baby we’ve not committed to any Christmas plans yet. I keep being asked what our plans will be and I’ve said about 10 times now - we aren’t making any until baby is here & we know where we are. (Setting expectations early!) but this just doesn’t seem to be good enough and it keeps coming up!

Mat Leave - both parents are retired, but live roughly an hour away in opposite directions with us in the middle. Ive already had both parents try and confirm ‘set days’ they will visit me each week oh my Mat leave to ‘help’. Ive said no, I don’t want that kind of structure, I’m happy for visits but I am not agreeing set dats every bloody week! Apparently I am being unfair….

And now the latest…

DH and I were chatting just as you do, about booking a week away near the end of my Mat leave for a first family hol (just UK - maybe a cottage somewhere nice!) and my parents got a bit shifty and said oh well we’ve actually booked somewhere already for all of us (my sis/BIL) for similar time so we could all go away? I wasn’t asked, this wasn’t a suggestion it was a ‘we’ve booked it’. I didn’t say anything there and then but now im stewing that my DH and I will have to holiday with the whole family when we wanted to go away just us for her first time!

AIBU? How on earth do I deal? Ive tried to be clear, I haven’t given anyone false expectations but I feel as both sets are retired with no hobbies/no big friendship circle, this baby is their focus and it’s completely overwhelming me and they aren’t even here yet.

I am not offended if you tell me IABU as I know I’m also an emotional hotbed right now!

@CaveMum

Forgot to add to my earlier comment, but don’t let yourself get tied down to “set visiting days” either. As soon as you do that you set a precedent and you’ll get sulking and emotional blackmail if you have to change “their day”, or demands of an alternative to make up for their “lost day”.

As others have said you’ll find baby groups you want to go, make mum friends who you want to meet up with for a coffee or a visit to soft play as they get bigger.

It also sets up the potential for demands on your weekends as your child starts nursery/school and they lose their midweek visit. The next thing you know your in an obligation to visit Grandparents A every Saturday and Grandparents B every Sunday and you’ve lost your precious family time.

@CaveMum you’ve nailed my concerns right there. Exactly this, and both DH and I work FT and I am returning full time as I do love my job, and we cannot afford for me to not work. That leaves only weekends, and we have so many wonderful friends on our doorstop all with kids, both my DH and I have hobbies (whether that will continue I don’t know) and siblings, cousins etc, we simply could then Squeeze them in every weekend for both sets - not without one feeling left out and/or my DH and I feeling run ragged.

I know family is important, but I also think come Friday night we would be exhausted and likely into Saturday, plus doing all the jobs from the week we don’t get time to do. How do we fit it all in and keep the peace!

You fit it in by doing monthly family visits not weekly. Taking in turns.
Extended family tends to get dropped in my experience, unless you are very close.

Agree with peboh about DH saving leave - once you return to work post ML he and you might have to take days off once LO starts picking up nursery/childminder bugs.
As for Christmas and holidays - baby hasn't agreed to them so will do what suits them. I would really loved to have a Christmas with just us but DH signed up for volunteering every year (his job had a long Christmas break - mine didn't).
Make sure you set a precedent now

Honestly I think you need some counselling!

Your posts are full of

I don't want to disappoint them
Compromising massively and travelling hours for 3 days should keep them happy

Why are you so afraid of asserting your needs and wants over their unreasonable demands?

They are looking out for you.

They really aren't. If they were looking out for the OP they'd have accepted her answer of "we'll see how things are when the baby's here" and be asking what they can do to help, what the OP needs to make her life easier, not making unreasonable demands then sulking when they don't get their own way.

OP, in the nicest way possible you need to stop telling them so much! They don’t need to know about your birth plan - when they ask questions just be vague; if they offer opinions just nod and smile then ignore.

Also be very wary of the offers of childcare - look at how many posts there are on here from women who feel pressured by grandparents because they’ve provided free childcare. Depending on how many days you plan on going back to work (if you do), perhaps have 1 day a week where grandparents have your child and they can alternate each week.

@RandomMess

Honestly I think you need some counselling!

Your posts are full of

I don't want to disappoint them
Compromising massively and travelling hours for 3 days should keep them happy

Why are you so afraid of asserting your needs and wants over their unreasonable demands?

Hadn’t thought about it like that, maybe there is something there.

My DH is very much an advocate for me, he grew up in a very non filter household, they say what they think and what they want but they equally are not offended if you say no. They like to be involved and make suggestions, but DH shuts them down where needed.

Mine on the other hand, I have a long history of trying to do what they want and ‘go along with’, I don’t think there is a particular trigger just how it’s always been. I grew up with my parents dictating what I did, what I wore, etc when I finally found a voice (and moved in with now DH) they sulked when I’d decline invites for example. Then I’d hate the sulking so I’d give in…. I’ve made a rod for my own back really and I know I need to correct this or I’ll have a lifetime of it and I don’t want my LO to ever feel like she needs to keep the peace, I want her to stand up for what she wants in life in future (albeit there will be times when compromising is needed!)

I’m bot trying to paint your parents/in-laws as unreasonable monsters, and of course it’s lovely that they’re so excited, but they have to understand that this is your baby, your family and what you and DH say goes. The best news is that it sounds like your DH is on the same page so you can present a united front.

If you need it, allow your DH to be your gatekeeper in the immediate days/weeks following the birth - let him deal with all the messages/demands. When the dust settles and you are feeling a bit more human (around the 10 week mark in my experience ) then you take a divide and conquer approach - you deal with your parents and he deals with his.

my parents got a bit shifty and said oh well we’ve actually booked somewhere already for all of us (my sis/BIL) for similar time so we could all go away?

This could have been a nice thing, but as you say there is a history here of them wanting to make decisions for you and sulking when you don’t comply, I wouldn’t go. Don’t get into a holiday habit you’ll really regret.

@CaveMum

OP, in the nicest way possible you need to stop telling them so much! They don’t need to know about your birth plan - when they ask questions just be vague; if they offer opinions just nod and smile then ignore.

Also be very wary of the offers of childcare - look at how many posts there are on here from women who feel pressured by grandparents because they’ve provided free childcare. Depending on how many days you plan on going back to work (if you do), perhaps have 1 day a week where grandparents have your child and they can alternate each week.

@CaveMum I think you’re right, but they don’t have much to talk about so the conversation is always baby at the moment - they don’t have great small talk but are obviously excited about baby so I get a heap of questions, all the time and a ‘not sure’ is never a suitable answer!

Sulking is the tactic they use to bring you back into line and do what they want.

Be bright and breezy, they will be wanting to see the baby and if they are sulking they will miss out.

You can even say "Mum you are XX old why are you sulking like a 5 year old?"

Start labelling her behaviour and stop giving in to it to keep the peace.

Sure agree to a weekend away somewhere within an easy 2 hours drive that is baby friendly. Set your criteria and let her sort something out.

Be clear that you don't ever envisage regular weekend or week holidays with extended family due to lack of annual leave.

The bit about ‘offers to baby sit’ makes me mad. It’s fine to offer but if they are putting any pressure on you to go out and leave the baby with them that makes me so mad! If they really want to be helpful they can bring you dinner/clean your home/pop to the shops for you/walk your dog etc. There are loads of really helpful things they could offer to do for you after the birth, but instead they want to take your baby so you can ‘have a break’ Argh. How annoying. I know some mums are totally fine with popping out for a night after a few months but I definitely would not have wanted to do that and would have been so mad had anyone tried to make me feel like me that is what I should be doing. Also, there are so many logistical things they are not considering- you might be breastfeeding, baby might not take a bottle, you might not want to/be able to express. I just wanted to cuddle up at home with my DP and baby and rest for months after baby was born. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, don’t let anyone have your baby overnight unless it’s what you and DP want. I would honestly be trying to set firm boundaries now, and reduce contact a little if you need some space.

Sounds like it will be a very lucky baby having so many people to love it too

Of course it’s nice to have a baby having lots of family who love it but not when that impacts negatively on the parents.

My parents sound very similar to yours OP. My mom drove me mad in my first pregnancy with the constant comments about everything baby related. She was offended that I planned to breastfeed as it meant she wouldn’t be able to feed the baby, told me it was better to formula feed as breastfeeding is ‘weird and unnatural’ . She wanted to know every detail of the pregnancy/labour/birth and be there immediately after.

I was also very much a ‘go with it’ and tried not to cause friction and offend them. But at some point you have to stand up for yourself and push back. Put boundaries in place that you’re comfortable with. We didn’t tell anyone I went into labour, told them after the birth and allowed them to come round once I was out of hospital. Do what you’re comfortable with, it’s not as if you’re suggesting cutting them out, just that you need boundaries for your own sake, they can still be involved just not taking over.

It’s lovely to have GPs that care and are involved but not too enmeshed or over involved/interfering. I’d be very wary of setting any precedents or expectations whether that be weekly set days or Christmas holidays. I’d also be quite cautious about using them for full time caring after your ML, far better to use them for occasional babysitting and emergencies. I think you’re very wise to be considering a nursery.

What also troubles me is the fact you’ve alluded to your PiLs probably wanting the same. If you succumb to both sides and see them all weekly, tug of war at Christmas and then sharing holidays when will you have time for yourselves, especially when you go back to work. Whilst it’s fine being non-committal about Christmas I would draw some boundaries now. I’d decline the holiday (they should never have booked without checking with you and your DH).

Such a shame when excited family members get too pushy as that makes one want to back away.

@Milkbottlelegs

Christmas- since baby isn’t here yet, I would honestly say to you that Christmas with both families is not something I’d advise because newborns don’t travel well and also prefer quiet to overstimulation.

This is just not true. Newborns sleep a lot. And anywhere. It’s older babies and children that don’t cope well with change of routine and noise.

I would honestly travel this Christmas when baby is small and a lot less hassle to travel with. It will be much more difficult and annoying in future years.

On the holiday, OP I don’t think you’ve thought this through. Holidays with an almost one year old (I assume, if end of mat leave) are not much fun. Spending it with family means childcare on tap! Happy days for you and DH with lie ins, someone to cook for you and tidy up and someone to babysit whilst you spend evenings in the pub!

It was true for my dd. Spent the first 9 months of her life screaming and slept in very short spurts only. She was a nightmare travelling. She was much more portable when a bit older.

Op, my in laws were a bit like you're experiencing but they did calm down once the baby was here and we said just said no to things that didn't suit us.

“buying nappies and wipes for me in the brand they’ve chosen (I’m trying to be environmentally friendly as I can, and was considering cloth nappies or environmentally friendly disposable ones but no I’ve been bought what they would have used), Comments about formula feeding, comments about nurseries (I won’t need one because they will do it - actually I quite like the idea of baby going to nursery for social skills!), being told ‘I won’t need to worry about the baby weight - I’ll snap back’ well what if I don’t? Suggesting baby names, suggesting nursery themes, pulling faces when I talk about my birth plan (I want a midwife led birth if possible) because it’s not safe and I should be in the main labour ward, not happy I don’t want visitors the same day I come home (we have a dog and settling her is my priority she is very very attached to me), it goes on!”

Sorry I don’t know how to quote properly but - no no no!! All of this sounds awful. You are not being unreasonable at all about feeling overwhelmed by this. Why are you worried about keeping the peace? Probably worth exploring why you think you need to be the one to compromise all the time - they are trampling all over your ideas, ignoring your choices etc. You don’t need to listen to them! Trust in yourself and your plans. You know what is right for you. Can you reduce contact slightly. They are not supporting you. They might think they are or tell you they are but they are really not!!

Oh OP, I'm sorry it sounds really overwhelming.

It doesn't sound too dissimilar to my own parents, the booking holidays without asking, sulking/tantrums when you don't do what they want. Calling you ungrateful if you politely decline holidays/invitations etc.

My parents honestly don't see me as an adult/person in my own right. I'm their child and an extension of them in their eyes. We were/are horribly enmeshed and it's a hard thing to break out of. My dad will still tell me to wear a coat and put my shoes on if I'm going out. I'm 36 and have two children! If I'm making myself cereal at their house he'll tell me to be careful with the milk.

Me and my sister having our first babys' was a difficult time in our family. My mother cried when my sister's partner asked them not to come over on day 5 after my niece was born. They'd been to their house every day before that! I'm not sure he's forgiven and my niece is 7 now! My parents managed to walk into the delivery room minutes after my first daughter was born. Ultimately they don't care about our feelings or boundaries and are always surprised that we have any.

I honestly don't know what the answer is. Whatever you do, someone is going to be upset. It can be you when they walk all over you to get their way, or it will be them if you put your foot down about something. It's hard to weigh up whether it's worth all the agro.

I now have some hard lines.
We don't go on holiday together and stay in the same place. I need a separate space and we don't go for long. They can book things without asking me, but if they do we will not be going. I need to be asked before things are booked.

We now have our own "tradition" of spending Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at our own house. We may travel to see them, or other family, or host Christmas lunch later but that time in the morning is ours alone at home. It doesn't stop my mum making my daughter another stocking or telling everyone how disappointed she is, but I can't stop that.

I try and share less about what we are doing and where we are going. I think they're a bit upset we're not as close as we were but if I do tell them things I just get endless advice which they're offended if I don't follow it to the letter. It's better for everyone this way.

The only way you will prevent your child from being a doormat is modelling an example to them. They can learn from how to set boundaries and make their own decisions.

Motherhood can be a turning point for you, but you are going to have to expect lots of sulking and ignore it.

The fact your parents booked a holiday without asking you tells me this has been going on for far too long as it is.

With Christmas, keep saying you'll decide nearer the time, once the baby is here, but absolutely say no to the family holiday now. I'd be really cross that they'd organised it without asking us.

Tell your mum it was a nice idea but they shouldn't have booked to include you because you have your own plans for a family holiday with just the three of you. Don't let her emotionally blackmail you into changing your mind, stick to your guns!

@ineedaholidayandwine

I would say you want Christmas at home this year just the 3 of you but you can go over on Boxing Day for a couple of hours? Holiday, again i would say no, i get you can't have all her firsts just the 2 of you but a first holiday should be something you control. We didn't do an extend family holiday until she was 18m old and by that age it was nice having extra help.

i get you can't have all her firsts just the 2 of you

why not?

So OP... lot's of advise on here but now you need to decide what you are going to do.

The holiday thing sounds good! You can sleep in and parents can do childcare. Do not dismiss that. Be non committal if you want. Just book your first family holiday before that

Xmas: just continue to be vague and see how you feel

Baby will sleep through xmas. It'll be next year and year after that is more fun for everyone

Just continue to be vague

I wouldn't want parents coming to help every week either. But see how it goes. You may actually be glad of the company. Mat leave can be incredibly lonely

You’re going to be a mum op, you need to firm up and step up.

[quote Randomuser45678]@MumW exactly my worry with the holiday, if we accept & agree to it, when does it end? I 100% know my mum will say ‘well it’s tradition’ and make it one to go every year or more often![/quote]
I know others do this, but this organised tradition is my very idea of hell!

Stick to what your happy with, they will get used to the boundaries