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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest Behaviour

135 replies

PlasticDinosaur · 29/08/2021 20:15

Our guests have just left. They're lovely and we enjoy hosting them every year. Multiple families who are helpful with the kids and get involved with cooking and cleaning. We don't ask for any money and provide everything down to nappies and toiletries. But two of them are funny about food and freeload horribly.

We've spent £500 on tickets for a day out, BBQ food, a takeaway, food shop for the weekend, wine and beer. No problem we saved for it, it's our holiday for the year.

They turned up with four beers, very kind -thank you. I put them in the fridge and it was a free for all during the weekend but they didn't get used. So they've taken them home with them. Not a word said, just taken.

At Christmas we made all the food and hosted and asked them to bring cheese. They did and took all the leftovers and their cheese home.

On both occasions they've also taken a bag for life to the fridge and helped themselves because 'youve got way too much in here! Don't want it to go to waste!'

Yesterday I tried to make the meal I'd planned and found they'd used the ingredients to make tupperwares of meals 'so it doesn't go to waste!'. The ingredients were fresh that morning, had a planned purpose and would have been fine for a week.

I find it so so frustrating and rude. My DH says I'm being ridiculous. AIBU?

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 29/08/2021 23:26

@Kithic

Who are they?

What is the cultural Background? Is it possible that they are more of sharing background?

'Sharing background'? Is that an excuse for taking other people's property? 'Cultural background' be damned, the 'cultural background' is too often an excuse, if it's their 'cultural background' to pinch from the fridge then the OP needs to explain that her 'cultural background' is that it's not done in her house. Whoever they are, parents, step-children etc. it's unacceptable.
LAgeDeRaisin · 29/08/2021 23:32

Still so confused:

Did they cook those things and leave them for you to eat, or did they cook them and take them home for themselves?

And did they also take other things from your fridge home?

PallasStrand · 29/08/2021 23:38

I can’t get past the fact that you describe them as ‘lovely’ and say you ‘enjoy hosting them’, when you go on to describe miserly, freeloading, outrageously rude behaviour?

PegasusReturns · 29/08/2021 23:40

How is using the bin and loading the dishwasher, 'cleaning'?

What do you call it Confused

In our house if you clean up after dinner, you scrape plates into bin, load dishwasher, wash pans and wipe down kitchen sides and dining table. Collectively known as cleaning up/down.

BrozTito · 29/08/2021 23:52

Aaaaw I really cant cope with these sorts of thread. Do not just stand there while some freeloader empties your fridge

MordenLarch · 29/08/2021 23:58

They actually sound like burglars

ButtonMoonLoon · 30/08/2021 00:01

I get the fact that you’d cover the food shop and BBQ but why do you shell out £500 for a day out and money for a takeaway instead of people chipping in/ paying for themselves?
In future I’d label things in the fridge that you want for meals so that people know not to use them.
Taking back things they brought with them is certainly grabby, though. There’s not much that you can do about that.

Nsky · 30/08/2021 00:11

Always stay with family, cook meal, maybe go out and insist on going shopping pay for everything except booze ( I don’t drink).
You say as they empty the fridge, actually I do have plans for that

Salome61 · 30/08/2021 00:17

Some people are givers, some are takers. I'm a giver that has stopped.

When my husband died in May I put all seven of his family members up for two nights.

His cousin drank me out of house and home, even the Christmas booze, and asked if they could stay on for a few days for 'a little holiday'. I was in no state to refuse, but felt angry on the last morning to find her husband cooking my breakfast sausages to take with them 'for the journey'.

Mamanyt · 30/08/2021 00:21

All I can really see to do is to put notes on the containers, "For lasagana on Sunday," etc. That will let them know that the food item has a use, plans are made. Or just tell them that plundering in the fridge is messing up an entire meal plan, but putting notes does the same thing without ever feeling like an attack.

ddl1 · 30/08/2021 00:22

Wow. Some of these could be just misunderstandings or lack of thought; but actually taking your food away with them and acting like they're doing you a favour because the food would otherwise go to waste in their view?! That is some cheek!

Kite22 · 30/08/2021 00:45

I think this is really strange.
I can't imagine what relationship this is, that anyone (even your own dc, but you have indicated this isn't your own dc) would freeload to such an extent.
I can't imagine - if there are 11 of you needing to be catered for - why anyone would wait until you walk the dog then nip into your kitchen and make a random selection of food that wouldn't feed you all, with your own ingredients.
I can't imagine why anyone coming to stay might think bringing 4 beers would be the right thing to do. I mean, I don't know how many of the 11 are adults, but even if it is only 4 of you, that is a pretty tight gift if popping in for one meal, let alone coming to stay for a few days.

I mean, obviously YANBU (what is your dh on ??), but it is just such odd behaviour all round. I mean - who doesn't travel with nappies for your own child ?? Confused

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/08/2021 00:46

This is crazy. Do they realise that it's actually your own house, or do they somehow think you've won an amazing all-in holiday (every single year)? Even when it is a holiday cottage, you divvy up the food from the fridge at the end fairly rather than leave it; if it's somebody's actual home, it would be the least you could do to leave them with the remainder of the holiday/party food, let alone not steal their own family's shopping from their fridge (it IS stealing: the 'don't want it to go to waste' is just a pathetic non-expression that they think somehow excuses their stealing).

Nappies too?! Other than the odd unexpected emergency one, I'd never expect anybody except parents to buy their own children's nappies, unless it's a paid childcare facility where the fee includes them.

We know some people who used to heavily rely on grandparents for nearly full-time free childcare (which the GPs never actually really agreed to - weren't actually asked, they just assumed and dropped it on them) and they always expected them to buy nappies rather than turning up with any when they dropped the kids off. I'd be mortified to even think of doing that.

Fair enough their car is too small for fitting a week's (or however long) worth of nappies in (maybe they should have bought a family-sized car, seeing that they have a family), but surely you have shops near you that they could go to?

DeRigueurMortis · 30/08/2021 00:47

I'll be honest in that I generally over-cater when family stay and regularly send them home with food parcels.

At Christmas I think it's actually a kind thing to do in the sense that if you visit elsewhere you wouldn't otherwise have any of the lovely leftovers that make the days after the main event so nice - cold cut ham with bubble and squeak or roast beef sandwiches to be dipped in gravy....

That said, there's a difference in being offered food to take home and rooting around in the fridge and taking it.

I'd also add that in my case, family are also very generous in contributing to these get togethers (without asking) by bringing substantial amounts of food/wine /financial contribution which they wouldn't dream of taking back with them unless I offered.

I think the problem here is that they are quite thoughtless in understanding that making a few odds and ends they fancy, deprives the fridge of food you need to then replace to cater to everyone else and having enjoyed someone's hospitality it's bloody rude to take back the things you brought without being offered.

All I can suggest tbh is boundaries. My family know that when hosting the kitchen is "my domain".

It's fine to help themselves to drinks and I always ensure snacks are available and that everyone is well fed but no - don't start making soup/salads or whatever.

It's not helping. It's annoying and actually creates more work in replacing the items whilst failing to feed everyone.

DeRigueurMortis · 30/08/2021 00:49

@Salome61

Some people are givers, some are takers. I'm a giver that has stopped.

When my husband died in May I put all seven of his family members up for two nights.

His cousin drank me out of house and home, even the Christmas booze, and asked if they could stay on for a few days for 'a little holiday'. I was in no state to refuse, but felt angry on the last morning to find her husband cooking my breakfast sausages to take with them 'for the journey'.

ShockShockShock

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/08/2021 00:51

All I can really see to do is to put notes on the containers, "For lasagana on Sunday," etc. That will let them know that the food item has a use, plans are made. Or just tell them that plundering in the fridge is messing up an entire meal plan, but putting notes does the same thing without ever feeling like an attack.

"What notes? I didn't see any notes - they must have fallen off."

"Oh, I saw something stuck to it, but I didn't have my reading glasses on, so I assumed it was a price tag or something."

"What's with the putting notes on the (note: not 'your') food in the fridge? Don't you trust us or something? Do you think we would just deliberately take food that you wanted (i.e. 'that is yours, that you bought')? That's very hurtful, I'm actually quite saddened and offended that you would think that way and do such a mean thing."

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/08/2021 00:53

His cousin drank me out of house and home, even the Christmas booze, and asked if they could stay on for a few days for 'a little holiday'.

Hmm, a lovely little holiday isn't normally the first thought that most people have straight after losing their loved one - especially not at the expense and inconvenience of his grieving widow. What vultures.

Hawkins001 · 30/08/2021 00:57

@PlasticDinosaur

It's indirect family yes and their children. Apologies I should have realised that would be relevant. They tag along with the direct family.

I'm not just dropping my children with them and expecting them to polish the house!! We take it in turns to entertain the children. They'll play with all of them and then DH and I will take a turn. We'll cook, they'll clean and vice versa. Gives each couple a bit of a break periodically.

Providing nappies - they travel a fair way in a small car and I like to provide whatever I can so they're not crammed in. It's not a big deal as our child is in the same size. Again sorry I've not thought before I typed.

When they used the ingredients for the stored meals they made I was out walking the dogs and half the kids. Otherwise obviously I would have stopped it. I know that there's a nice element that they're cooking for us but I am a meal planner and it throws me off if the ingredients disappear.

what about having a private fridge, that's only accessed via a locked access ?
DeRigueurMortis · 30/08/2021 01:05

You shouldn't have to lock away food or buy another fridge to stop people stealing food - which is essentially what they are doing.

OP next time (if there is one) I think you need to have a frank conversation.

Tell them not to raid the fridge because meals/ingredients are planned and if they ignore you then send them to the shop to replace them or suggest they pay for a takeaway for everyone to substitute the meal they've sabotaged.

People like this know exactly what they are doing and simply rely on others being too nice/kind/embarrassed to call them out on their behaviour.

You've not clarified the relationship but I'm assuming it's something like the sibling and partner of one of your in-laws (for example your brothers wife's sister and her husband).

Frankly, if they took the piss with me they'd be invited once and never again.

PrincessNutella · 30/08/2021 07:31

I think it's okay to say directly, "Last time I couldn't make a meal because you took ingredients in Tupperware containers. Honestly, it makes me really uncomfortable when you do that. We love having you, but please don't come here with Tupperware for the leftovers. Just don't.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/08/2021 08:50

If it were me, I'd just stop having them to stay. It's ending up costing you more than them, in time, effort, food etc.

No need to host them and if they ask just reply with "Actually we're going to give a different type of family holiday a try...we're just looking for that now online, so we won't be hosting again this year/next year/ever"
If they say "Oh great, let us know when you're going and we can look after your place for you" just reply "We'll not be letting our place out while were on holidays but thanks".

lottiegarbanzo · 30/08/2021 08:57

I can only think that when they arrive next time, if there is a next time, you'd have to say 'you're welcome to eat as much of this food as you like (bread, fruit, cereal, biscuits, snacky stuff) but everything else is for a planned meal for everyone, or something I need to do, so please don't touch that.'

Stuckhere2021 · 30/08/2021 09:01

Are you in Australia?? We lived there for three years and it was the only time this sort of shit happened.

Mollymalone123 · 30/08/2021 09:12

@Salome61
So sorry 💐 I hope those relatives got food poisoning from undercooking your sausages!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2021 09:32

@Salome61

Some people are givers, some are takers. I'm a giver that has stopped.

When my husband died in May I put all seven of his family members up for two nights.

His cousin drank me out of house and home, even the Christmas booze, and asked if they could stay on for a few days for 'a little holiday'. I was in no state to refuse, but felt angry on the last morning to find her husband cooking my breakfast sausages to take with them 'for the journey'.

I also have some shocking stories of extreme cheeky fuckers. But this takes your breath away. Flowers
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