Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest Behaviour

135 replies

PlasticDinosaur · 29/08/2021 20:15

Our guests have just left. They're lovely and we enjoy hosting them every year. Multiple families who are helpful with the kids and get involved with cooking and cleaning. We don't ask for any money and provide everything down to nappies and toiletries. But two of them are funny about food and freeload horribly.

We've spent £500 on tickets for a day out, BBQ food, a takeaway, food shop for the weekend, wine and beer. No problem we saved for it, it's our holiday for the year.

They turned up with four beers, very kind -thank you. I put them in the fridge and it was a free for all during the weekend but they didn't get used. So they've taken them home with them. Not a word said, just taken.

At Christmas we made all the food and hosted and asked them to bring cheese. They did and took all the leftovers and their cheese home.

On both occasions they've also taken a bag for life to the fridge and helped themselves because 'youve got way too much in here! Don't want it to go to waste!'

Yesterday I tried to make the meal I'd planned and found they'd used the ingredients to make tupperwares of meals 'so it doesn't go to waste!'. The ingredients were fresh that morning, had a planned purpose and would have been fine for a week.

I find it so so frustrating and rude. My DH says I'm being ridiculous. AIBU?

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 29/08/2021 22:24

Do they have money issues?

WorraLiberty · 29/08/2021 22:24

[quote PlasticDinosaur]@Itsanewdayforme they put dishes in the dishwasher after a meal and will recycle their drinks tins. I'm not getting them scrubbing the bathrooms Grin[/quote]
Multiple families who are helpful with the kids and get involved with cooking and cleaning.

How is using the bin and loading the dishwasher, 'cleaning'?

woodhill · 29/08/2021 22:25

Perhaps you needed to say you would be making dinner when you return and needed the ingredients in the fridge.

Taking beers back is just tight imo

phishy · 29/08/2021 22:25

@PlasticDinosaur

Thank you Mumsnet Smile lots of valid points which has given me perspective that I needed. Yes some odd grabby behaviour but *@Honeymare* *@TatianaBis* you're right, the nature of it being one big everyone mucking in changes the dynamic and confuses things so I will get back in my box!

Last bit of information (I promise I will write the original post better in future!) I was making a lasagna. They chopped the tomatoes up into a coriander, cucumber and tomato salad and a salsa, they cooked the onions and garlic down for a soup and made cheese scones with the butter and cheese. All lovely but portions for two or three a piece and we were feeding eleven.

I should be more appreciative. It was a nice thing to do and as pp said not done with knowledge of my plans.

I don't feel able to say anything, we have a lovely time and the kids adore each others company, it's just a pain on the last day. Will plan more carefully for next visit so there is crumbs left on last day Grin

So why are you posting here if you’re just going to keep doing the same thing again and again? That’s the definition pf insanity I hear.
Holly60 · 29/08/2021 22:30

I think the key thing here is the bagging up of food to take home. That is odd and rude.

Making food out of your already allocated ingredients is irritating but I don’t think rude on the same level.

I don’t really know how you can get round the whole bagging up food issue.

One option would be to have another fridge in the garage and move any food you don’t want taken into that the night before. If you can lock the garage even better. Or can you give it to a neighbour to store? Agree prior and then quietly drop it over.

Another idea might be to pre-package up a little parcel of things you don’t mind them taking, and then when they make moves to start going through the fridge, say something like ‘oh here I’ve parcelled you up some bits, you won’t mind if we keep the rest because we’ll use it in the week’. That makes it clear what they can take whilst allowing you to look gracious.

LeafOfTruth · 29/08/2021 22:32

I feel like I might be an odd one here - because guests (especially family) are very welcome to pitch in and take home any leftover or uneaten food and drink. Including unopened and non perishable stuff.

I'd genuinely prefer it, to it all being left to me to eat/drink when they are gone. It feels like a burden if I'm left with it.

But then I also prefer a relaxed approach to having guests in which they treat my home like their home rather than behave like guests iyswim.

Holly60 · 29/08/2021 22:33

Or another thought: Move what you want to keep into the freezer the night before?

Holly60 · 29/08/2021 22:34

@LeafOfTruth

I feel like I might be an odd one here - because guests (especially family) are very welcome to pitch in and take home any leftover or uneaten food and drink. Including unopened and non perishable stuff.

I'd genuinely prefer it, to it all being left to me to eat/drink when they are gone. It feels like a burden if I'm left with it.

But then I also prefer a relaxed approach to having guests in which they treat my home like their home rather than behave like guests iyswim.

I often offer food to people as they leave and vice versa but I would never just presume to pilfer whatever I fancied out of someone’s fridge.
mellicauli · 29/08/2021 22:34

Being really generous rarely works out well. You'd think everyone would just be happy & grateful but more than not I think it spoils the dynamic between people.

It can feel patronising or feel like you are beholden to the other people or that they are buying your company/favour. It can make you feel bad about yourself that you are not that rich or generous yourself.

In this instance, your generosity has been taken that as an invitation for your guests to fill their boots. If they had an ounce of regard for you, they would not do this.

Do not invite them again and be a bit more mindful of the nuance of generosity. Meet as equals and suggest events where everyone pays for themselves.

£500 is a wedding gift to a close relative, not what you pay for friends to have tickets to an event.

phishy · 29/08/2021 22:36

Being really generous rarely works out well. You'd think everyone would just be happy & grateful but more than not I think it spoils the dynamic between people.

Yep, I find the more I give to my family and friends, the more they want.

Hardbackwriter · 29/08/2021 22:41

Last bit of information (I promise I will write the original post better in future!) I was making a lasagna. They chopped the tomatoes up into a coriander, cucumber and tomato salad and a salsa, they cooked the onions and garlic down for a soup and made cheese scones with the butter and cheese. All lovely but portions for two or three a piece and we were feeding eleven.

Were these not then surely intended for you to eat after they'd left? Did you ask them why they'd made all this food that wasn't for the group? I would assume that they thought it would be nice for you not to need to cook once all the guests had gone. It still wasn't especially thoughtful, given they did it with your ingredients not their own, but it doesn't seem to me to be the same as taking the beer and cheese home, which is just so rude.

Eralos · 29/08/2021 22:43

I stayed with friends this weekend, took more beers than 4 and wine the beers/wine didn’t get drunk I left them all. That’s the least I could do for being hosted.

StoatMilk · 29/08/2021 22:43

@Sleepinghyena

I feel like these guests are close family and we don't have the full picture here....
This stop drip feeding OP
threestars · 29/08/2021 22:49

The moment has probably passed now, but on discovering what they'd made, I would have told them my intentions for that food and asked them to whizz over to the shop to get the ingredients I needed so I could still make it.

Maddison12 · 29/08/2021 22:55

My DH says I'm being ridiculous.

WTF? How on earth could anyone think this is ok? They took back the beer they bought for you, presumably as a thank you Confused

YANBU they sound like CFs, I wouldn’t invite them again.

earsup · 29/08/2021 22:59

Rude and grabby....stop being so generoud and a push over...!!

NotJuryDutyAgain · 29/08/2021 22:59

I'd put a stop to people rooting round in my fridge, if they were taking things without asking... or even asking, tbh. I don't take kindly to people stealing from me or pressing me to let them take things.

Not sure how you go about it, though, other than just saying "I have plans for that"... "No, it won't go to waste, I'm going to use that"...

Knittingupastorm · 29/08/2021 22:59

On both occasions they've also taken a bag for life to the fridge and helped themselves because 'youve got way too much in here! Don't want it to go to waste!'

I don’t understand why you allowed this?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/08/2021 23:01

You need to work on being less passive OP, it's making you anxious and affecting your relationships with friends and family. It's ok to set boundaries and say when you're unhappy with something!

NotJuryDutyAgain · 29/08/2021 23:05

It doesn't make one less "nice" to not allow oneself to be taken advantage of.

I'd rather be thought of as a selfish than let people walk all over me and steal from me. Besides, the only ones who would name-call would be the ones who are users resentful that you're standing up for yourself and refusing to be used.

Paquerette · 29/08/2021 23:06

I’m guessing they’re your DH’s relatives?

As a PP said, a garage fridge is a good idea. We have one and it’s brilliant when hosting as you can put everything else in there, and just keep whatever needed when hosting in your kitchen fridge.

Or buy some fridge storage boxes and box and label food “Monday dinner” etc so they realise it’s not all extra going to waste.

Failing that, literally only get in what you need whilst they’re visiting, then shop again after.

YANBU though, extremely rude to get a bag and help yourself to what’s in someone else’s fridge.

TheBullfinch · 29/08/2021 23:10

You need to stop being a pushover.

They need a good talking to about what's acceptable or not.

Finally, you both need to communicate and set boundaries.

NoSquirrels · 29/08/2021 23:10

Our guests have just left. They're lovely and we enjoy hosting them every year. Multiple families who are helpful with the kids and get involved with cooking and cleaning. We don't ask for any money and provide everything down to nappies and toiletries. But two of them are funny about food and freeload horribly.

Hardbackwriter · 29/08/2021 23:11

It's indirect family yes and their children. Apologies I should have realised that would be relevant. They tag along with the direct family.

I can't work out what 'indirect family' is? Any examples that I can think of are relations like your husband's brother's wife's sister but - as that mouthful shows - those are really distant relations and I can't really imagine a scenario where they'd be 'tagging along' to stay at your house.

NoSquirrels · 29/08/2021 23:16

Posted too soon! Either they’re lovely & you enjoy hosting them OR they freeload horribly. You can’t have both.

Your latest post clarified that it’s your the planner for meals and have ingredients calculated but they use them in other stuff.

I was making a lasagna. They chopped the tomatoes up into a coriander, cucumber and tomato salad and a salsa, they cooked the onions and garlic down for a soup and made cheese scones with the butter and cheese. All lovely but portions for two or three a piece and we were feeding eleven.

Sounds like they’re trying to be helpful but you could just send them to the shops for extras (and get them to pay!) Soup, scones and salad sounds like a reasonable meal, and good of them to prepare -but just say ‘Oh, we’re out of tomatoes, onions, garlic, cheese and butter for tonight’s lasagne - could you please go to the shops and get some?’

If they refuse/ask for cash etc that’s freeloading. Otherwise it’s just poor communication.