AIBU to charge my 18yr old a quarter of his wage?

[ILoveMyCaravan]

My son is taking a year off before going to uni next year. He got excellent grades in his GCSEs and A levels. He's got a part time job and seems to work hard. AIBU to ask him for around 1/4 of his take home pay whilst he's living at home for the next year?

We've left it for the first few months of him working as thought he deserved to treat himself when he finished college, but he spends every penny on his girlfriend, clothes, eating out, gym, phone etc he has nothing left at the end of the month. And I'm finding it hard to stand back and watch him be so care free with money.

Tax credits and child benefit stop this month and we will miss that extra money.

I'm only struggling with this decision because I worked p/t from the age of 14 because I wasn't provided for by my parents apart from the basics of having a roof over my head. I had to buy literally everything else that I needed. I don't want him to feel like I did.

I think if you can manage financially then asking for a contribution to cover food and petrol etc for all these lifts you are giving is good - or encourage him to take some driving lessons that he pays for? Also i’d be really keen to enforce the saving for uni if you can - help him set up an amount to save and so on each month. Blowing through 1k a month is a lot at his age and it’ll be a shock to the system when he goes to uni and has less disposable income.

I don’t think it’s fair he has to make up the shortfall because you have lost your benefits and your husband has had to change jobs. I highly doubt it costs £250 to keep him alone in food.

If you had stated this before he took his gap year he may not have done it or might have gone and found a house share etc instead for that much.

Wanting him to save for uni is a very different matter as presumably he will have to self fund it alone if you aren’t paying his food costs etc whilst still at home.

My parents are very wearily and when I lived at home post education I paid them board & lodging - it had nothing to do with need or wants for them but an important life lesson in budgeting, household expenses and cost of living. I paid about 1/4 of my salary to them (& no they didn't save it for me nor did I expect them to) and I still had a shock when I moved out and my monthly bills came to nearly 3/4 my salary.

I think £200 - £250 per month is fine as a token amount.

Hi OP, have read all your posts but not all the thread. I get where you're coming from.

DS, 19, is at home on a gap year this year. He's working full time and paying £180/month towards the family costs. He's not wild on this, but I think its important. I'm a single mum. Any maintenance has stopped. He still has massively more disposable income than I do, though I hope (and have discussed) that he save towards travel / university/savings too.

I want him (and similarly with his older sibling) to get that being an adult comes with responsibilities too. Of course he's just at the start of this and I'm trying to taper it. I'm not going in for the kill on his pay packet. But I cover the mortgage, all bills, and a contribution to his sibling's university maintenance, and that leaves me with about £40/month from my reasonable salary for me. He eats alot, and with him being at home some of my leeway to save money is more restricted. I like having him at home, but I do think it needs to shift to be more equal, and while its been a challenging conversation, I think it is important, certainly in my situation.

I use this extra money towards monthly expenditure. I've been clear that of course next year when he is at university I'll be contributing towards his university maintenance; and that I'll be happy to help out with bigger costs too like winter coats. But I'm trying to get him to see it is about different needs - for example when he wasn't earning, I wasn't asking for money from his savings - but now he is this is part of the ebb and flow of family life.

If he's no other commitments and is fit and well why is he only working part time?

But at this age/stage then yes I would.

My dd was full time by this point and was not happy about it at the time, much discussion.

She is now 20 and has since left home and lived on her own and admits she was unreasonable as she now knows the cost and effort that goes into running a home!

They don't live on fresh air (food alone is insane!) and nor should they expect to. And as you rightly say you've lost income that is intended for supporting a child as they are no longer a child.

He's earning £1000-1200 approx part time? Where?!

The taxi service needs to stop! He's earning enough to take driving lessons and run a car! Certainly enough for buses or actual taxis!

He's got a roof over his head, heating, lighting, hot water, food and other groceries (people often forget the other groceries in such discussions on here when they're often more expensive than food!), he's getting free taxi service and I'd bet from your tone you're still doing his laundry and tidying too?

Time he grew up!

Those who on such threads are horrified at the idea of taking keep from children are clearly FORTUNATE enough to be able to afford not to - not everyone can afford to be so generous!

To guilt those of us less fortunate is a pretty shitty thing to do actually.

I'm disabled so exactly how would I have been able to "prepare" for the loss of income when dd left school and went to work full time? I was barely making ends meet at this point!

There's some VERY privileged posting going on here!

I was honest with my dd from a fairly young age (against my personal wishes - this was due to ex giving it "your mum can afford to do x, y and z with you cos I pay a fooooortune in child maintenance" - which he bloody didn't and didn't even pay consistently!) so I sat dd down and went through income vs expenditure with her and I was a savvy/frugal single mum. I even included what ex was SUPPOSED to pay each month and she could see it was a drop in the ocean compared to our expenses even just compared to her expenses at that time.

I also taught her from a young age to shop around, not blindly accept that a "special offer" actually saved you money and to resist branded products/advertising.

Doesn't do kids any harm I don't think to learn to be savvy consumers, understand how the world works and that they don't live for free.

Eg she was quite puzzled that we paid for water "but that's free it's just rain" and I explained that it has to be transported and treated so that it's safe to use/drink etc this was something she hadn't thought about before

Kids need sound financial education and it's part of our job as parents to teach the value of money and how to use it wisely

Absolutely

Did you not factor in the fact your children would eventually grow up?

Those making this and similar comments :

Please DO tell the op and I how families on very low incomes are supposed to do this? I'd love to know how I could have managed this when I was barely managing with a lot of planning and juggling as it was to pay the basic bills at this point? Have you ever actually raised a family on a very low income?

My grocery and utilities bills dropped significantly when dd left home to less than half what they were and there were just 2 of us. She ate far more than me (there were reasons for this but still true) and used far more electricity and hot water etc

I left home at 17 (abusive home) and lived in a bedsit as many of us did back then. I worked what would now be a nmw job and my rent was half my wage. I was lucky that lunch was a perk where I worked or I would have starved. The rest of my wage was just about enough for groceries and work clothes when needed. Not enough to save or for nights out. I had friends around or went to theirs and we'd watch a film and drink very very cheap booze.

Later I was able to get better paid jobs and later still go to uni to improve my lot (couldn't get support from parents for this and the system wouldn't recognise me as "independent" until I was over 21)

Worked since I was 14, part time and in holidays initially. Full time from I was 16. Until my mid 30's when I became disabled. At which point I was also a single mum with aforementioned cm dodging ex! Income took a plummet and there were times I went without food and clothes so that dd didn't.

The govt welfare system assumes that adults pay their own way or else claim on their own behalf.

Which is as it should be.

Too many parents now infantilise their adult dc and don't prepare them for the real world.

Dd left school at 16 too, not what we had hoped circumstances made this so. Worked full time, moved out when she was 18 to stay nearer work (and I think tbh so she could have parties and have people staying over for whole weekends etc which with my health would have been too tiring/stressful for me). Then she went back into education and has done really well and is now moving on with that.

I really do appreciate the constructive advice and will take it on board, it has helped clear my mind about what kind of conversation to have with him.

To those who seem aghast that I should be on any kind of benefits and should have planned ahead as soon as I became pregnant. Well life just isn’t like that. Have you never been ill or had any misfortune come your way?

I have worked ALL MY LIFE since the age of 14, so that’s around 40 YEARS. Probably for longer and harder than I should have. I am now disabled, both physically and mentally and will not ever ‘recover’ from any of my conditions. In the early days, most physicians were shocked that I was even working at all. Anyway, my poor health led me to claim benefits, shock horror! My husband has never stopped working, only reducing his hours so that he could look after me and prevent me from taking an overdose when I was having particularly bad days. So yes, he has claimed WORKING TAX CREDIT to top up his lower wage. Wow!

Now our son has turned 18, we lose that along with child benefit. We won’t starve but it will hurt. DS earns a good wage and is a hard worker. I am proud of him for that and wanted him to be able to enjoy the benefits hard work brings. However, this can’t go on forever and that really was my question, how much should he contribute if at all. Somehow this seemed to give some people free range to attack my parenting skills and lack of a crystal ball. So, kindly give your heads a wobble and try to understand that not everyone is able to allow their offspring to live at home without contributing. And some of us have real shit to contend with and are lucky to still be around for our children.

The above is not a drip feed - I shouldn’t have to say any of this, but am only doing so in the hope that some will take heed and think long and hard before jumping in and assuming that anyone claiming government benefits is somehow a lesser being.

Thank you again to everyone else for acknowledging real life situations and replying with kindness x

Life can change in an instant. An accident, an illness, a job loss, a relationship breakdown or a sick child and anyone who’s feeling very comfortable financially could find themselves struggling within months.

If that does happen to any of the posters on here I hope that they’ll receive the empathy and support they failed to show the OP.

I haven't charged DC anything during their gap year but that's because I have told them they need to save 90% of their wages and they have done. They've now got around £10k to put towards uni. If they were wasting money here and there I would definitely ask for a contribution towards living costs.

DC singular. It's just the one child.

He will never learn the value of money if you don't charge him. He will expect to live with you for free if he decides to return after uni. What will you do if he decided not to go you university? Can you think of a reason why he shouldn't contribute?

@Carboncheque quite right! I know a few people in real life around my age (I'm 49) who died to the pandemic/Brexit are for the first time in their lives unemployed/only able to work part time and struggling financially.

A few of them were quite snotty with me in the past for being on benefits and were generally sneery about benefits. Now they're on/have been on them themselves they have a different perspective/attitude! Been interesting to see for sure!

Nobody knows what is around the corner and unless you are independently wealthy it could easily happen to you too.

I went from a healthy, happily married full time worker at the age of 30 to a divorced, disabled single mum at 35 due to a series of setbacks and events outwith my control. I have friends and relatives who've had similar changes to their lives.

A knock down can come like a bolt out the blue!

Remember

There but by the grace of (whatever higher power you believe in) go you

Urgh DUE to the pandemic/Brexit

Eyeroll for those bleating that you choose to have children and should support them for their natural born life.

It is (or was) fairly usual, one way or another, for your children to leave home at 18. It's also true that they legally become adults (with the associated ability to work, live alone, marry, whatever) at 18. This is why the Government stops giving you money for your offspring at 18 - they are now adults, and (unless there are additional needs, illness etc) have the capacity to support themselves.

It's not shortsighted or selfish of people not to be able to financially support a working-age adult living in their home just because they gave birth to them. Effectively, having your adult children (again, additional needs excepted) living at home is a luxury you've decided to choose to give to them.