AIBU to charge my 18yr old a quarter of his wage?

[ILoveMyCaravan]

My son is taking a year off before going to uni next year. He got excellent grades in his GCSEs and A levels. He's got a part time job and seems to work hard. AIBU to ask him for around 1/4 of his take home pay whilst he's living at home for the next year?

We've left it for the first few months of him working as thought he deserved to treat himself when he finished college, but he spends every penny on his girlfriend, clothes, eating out, gym, phone etc he has nothing left at the end of the month. And I'm finding it hard to stand back and watch him be so care free with money.

Tax credits and child benefit stop this month and we will miss that extra money.

I'm only struggling with this decision because I worked p/t from the age of 14 because I wasn't provided for by my parents apart from the basics of having a roof over my head. I had to buy literally everything else that I needed. I don't want him to feel like I did.

Personally I would never charge my children rent however if I were in your circumstances — I would.

Sometimes when I read these threads I think that young people living at home and being supported by parents dont know they are born.

When I was 18 (mid 1960s) I wanted to go onto a full time course to complete my professional qualifications. My parents made this impossible by insisting I had to tip up (out of my maintenance grant) the same money as if I was working. Obviously that was not possible. At a later stage I did manage a part time course where my grandmother helped me financially. It took a lot longer But I never forgave my parents for their penny pinching attitude and for seeking to hold me back. Unfortunately my parents never saw the value in education and regarded being a student as "faffing about".

The result was that I resented every penny I ever gave them towards my "keep" and left home as soon as I was financially able to afford my own place.

OP I think you are most definitely doing the right thing.

You are giving your child a life lesson that in the future he will not have his whole wage to fritter away as he pleases whilst his rent, food, water, gas, electricity, community tax and transport costs are paid for by Mum n Dad.

On MN this is always a divisive one and you have some come on here braying oh I would never do that to my dear child, almost like you're stealing all their wages.

Anyway stick to your guns have the convo explain how now that the benefits have stopped and he is an adult drawing an adult wage he has to contribute to the household in which he lives.

This does not make you an awful Mum it makes you a good Mum.

OP - YANBU at all. At 16, I intended to do A levels, but left school after half a term of 6th form to start work. There was never any question of not paying mum 'housekeeping', or whatever anyone wants to call it. I was an adult, earning a wage (all be it quite a small one, especially by today's standards) and I knew mum would appreciate the extra. Started paying from my first month's pay day until the day I left home, 5 years later.

If you need the money you need it.

There are many many families in which everyone needs to contribute financially.

He also needs to be saving so he can work fewer hours if at all possible while he’s studying. But that’s his lookout.

I believe firmly that offspring not in full-time education need to pay rent. There are of course going to be some exceptions, but I think it’s an important life lesson. It’s not about the money. It’s about learning the importance of having and keeping a job and sticking to a budget. Living at home rent free gives a distorted view of discretionary spending. Real life is expensive, much more expensive than a quarter of his wages towards what I’m guessing is covering housing, utilities, laundry, and most of his food and toiletries.

Absolutely . We called it "Dig Money" and it's all about learning to pay your way . My mum would end up saving some of it for me and giving it to ke sometimes when I was going somewhere special or for Christmas spending,but it was very much the done thing . I did the same with my oldest (he's got his own flat ) and will do so with my youngest.

I'd request 25% of his wage, and keep it in a separate pot.

If you need some of it for an emergency - washing machine or cooker dies etc - then you have it, but if not, use it to kit him out for uni...pots, pans, plates, mugs, student rail card, initial food parcel etc. and keep any left for when he needs car insurance or a flat deposit etc.

It depends how much a quarter of his wage equates to really?

I currently have two adult ds's living at home who have just started work. We don't have a mortgage to pay so it feels odd charging them for living here. One barely eats any meals at home either. So other than gas and electricity, I'm not sure what I would be charging them for. Obviously if you need the money then you should ask him to make a contribution.

Yanbu - as soon as I left school (went straight to college) I had to pay my mum a quarter of my student grant & loan every term to her for digs.

I was aggrieved as most of my peers were getting their parental contributions and then some enabling them to live in halls & shared flats but I was paying my mum to live at home. She was absolutely right in charging me as soon as I turned 18. We don’t do adult kids any favours by not introducing them to the realities of budgeting and household expenses. My 40something partner who cannot budget for the life of him because mummy financed everything and took nothing in return is the reason why I totally agree with what my mum did. She did me a huge favour and I learned some great life lessons

Maybe calling it a percentage doesn't give the full picture. He earns around £1k per month on his basic 25 hours. I'm thinking of asking him to contribute £250 to household expenses. And also asking him to put some away for uni, which so far he hasn't saved anything.

OP I think the lesson here is you really should have already told your child the expectation. He might not have deferred if he knew this was what you were planning. You needed to have planned ahead.

I'm in my 50s ( for context) and had a year off before university where I worked full time. I still remember I got paid around £800 a month and voluntarily paid my parents £200 if that. My parents didn't ask for it but I wanted to .

I still managed to save loads ( as well as paying for all my clothes and personal stuff and going out ) and had a healthy chunk of savings to use as living expenses at university and to go on a long holiday to the US. in the summer just before my first year at university. So I'd say YADNBU

@PlanDeRaccordement

I would not charge them anything during a gap year.

Trying to claw back what you no longer get from the government for having a child from him is not fair in my opinion. It’s like you’re saying he owes this much “lost” money to you when in my opinion, children don’t owe parents anything money wise. It’s a parent’s job to support their child until they are fully independent. The childs duty is to be independent at a reasonable age circumstances permitting. You agreed to a gap year without specifying he’d owe you money every month, it’s grabby to go back now after a few months and demand money. It’s like you don’t want him to enjoy himself and are jealous.

I’d never accept money from my children.

I'd have been really upset if my parents had not taken the money . I wanted to give it to them and d I'd have been annoyed if they handed it back after 'saving it ' for me. I wanted to help them financially and would have felt like they were taking me I was not grown up if they had refused . As it was I had to fight to get my mum to take the money ( my dad less so )

They did still financially help me by paying for my driving lessons and contributing small amounts to my grant when I went to university

As to me taking a gap year. No-one ' agreed ' to it. I decided and did it, the assumption was always that I would financially support myself through that , which included paying my own way!

It is perfectly reasonable to ask him to contribute towards the household expenses.

1/4 is fine, even 1/3 but if you can I would save as much as possible if that for university, don't tell him necessarily, he'll be glad you did

Personally I would take a different approach if you can afford it - sit him down and tell him he needs to save half his wages end of or you will charge rent of the same amount!

You knew the benefits would stop age 18 so this should’ve been planned for accordingly.

I agree with PPs that I would encourage him to be saving for uni. Hopefully that way he won’t have to work as many hours alongside studying.

So if he saves £250 for the next 12 months towards uni he will have £3,000 which isn’t much at all.
Plus only having £500 a month to live on.

Will he be entitled to any financial support with you being on a low income?

Yes absolutely charge him otherwise you aren't teaching him any life skills like financial management and responsibility - my DH lived at home until 30 never really paying bills and it ruined him for which I blame his parents.

@RussianSpy101 yes how silly of me not to plan 18 years ago for our lives changing, oh and COVID

@ILoveMyCaravan

Once he goes to uni then obviously we won't have the extra costs that him living at home brings. We will be OK financially.

You will though

They go away for 7 months of the year and are at home with you 5 months a year. My uni son costs me as much as before except our food bill drops for the weeks he is up there at uni. But he costs more in different ways, items for uni, travel, when he's run out of money. He needs to start saving now. My book took extra £1.5k in savings from his PT job through A levels & £1k I'd saved for him. All gone and into overdraft at end of first year
Teach him to save and budget now. Also he'll have to pay for dentist, his own prescriptions etc as no long in full time education.
£250-300 a month is very reasonable rent as it probably includes £200 worth of food!! Let alone the lifts etc

@ILoveMyCaravan really? Did covid affect your benefits stopping when your child became an adult? You’re being silly now.

@RussianSpy101 you seem to be obsessed with the small amount of benefits we receive. Covid has affected us dramatically. My DH has had to change job due to covid and earns much less than he used to.

@Tiana4 you make a very good point there about the amount of time he'll be away from home. Thank you.