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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to charge my 18yr old a quarter of his wage?

139 replies

ILoveMyCaravan · 29/08/2021 19:36

My son is taking a year off before going to uni next year. He got excellent grades in his GCSEs and A levels. He's got a part time job and seems to work hard. AIBU to ask him for around 1/4 of his take home pay whilst he's living at home for the next year?

We've left it for the first few months of him working as thought he deserved to treat himself when he finished college, but he spends every penny on his girlfriend, clothes, eating out, gym, phone etc he has nothing left at the end of the month. And I'm finding it hard to stand back and watch him be so care free with money.

Tax credits and child benefit stop this month and we will miss that extra money.

I'm only struggling with this decision because I worked p/t from the age of 14 because I wasn't provided for by my parents apart from the basics of having a roof over my head. I had to buy literally everything else that I needed. I don't want him to feel like I did.

OP posts:
FatAnkles · 29/08/2021 20:18

I used to give my parents about a third of my wage and save pretty much everything else (except for clothes, socialising etc). My brother, the same. (1990s) My neice (17) hands over a quarter. I thought paying "board" was normal.

fourandahalfkids · 29/08/2021 20:18

Dd2 is in the exact same situation. We are planning to charge her 20% of whatever she earns but keep 10% for ourselves and put the other 10% away to give back to her when she goes to uni.
Adult children need to be taught how to budget. It's not necessarily about whether you need the money or not but more so important life skills to carry them forward. You need to set the contribution at whatever you feel is appropriate. A friend of ours charges her son 1/3 but for us this was too much to ask.

Bollindger · 29/08/2021 20:18

Do not call it rent.
Tell him it is keep.
To cover his food and other bills, that you would not have if he wasn't there.

MaybeAMoaner · 29/08/2021 20:27

Take his wage but secretly save it for him and present it to him when he needs it most.

That’s what I will do.

KingdomScrolls · 29/08/2021 20:27

No, term him to work more than part time and put it away for uni next year, I took a gap year for exactly that reason (also paid for a holiday, festival etc with friends). All this take it off then then give it back doesn't teach then to be financially responsible. I get he might cost you more being home this year, but if he's got more money of his own you'll need to subsidise him less at uni next year.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/08/2021 20:35

I would want him to save for uni so would get him to do that rather than take money from him.
It seems unfair he has to make up the loss of benefits as there was no back up plan for when he turned 18. Children have always come with costs.

PlanDeRaccordement · 29/08/2021 20:43

I would not charge them anything during a gap year.

Trying to claw back what you no longer get from the government for having a child from him is not fair in my opinion. It’s like you’re saying he owes this much “lost” money to you when in my opinion, children don’t owe parents anything money wise. It’s a parent’s job to support their child until they are fully independent. The childs duty is to be independent at a reasonable age circumstances permitting. You agreed to a gap year without specifying he’d owe you money every month, it’s grabby to go back now after a few months and demand money. It’s like you don’t want him to enjoy himself and are jealous.

I’d never accept money from my children.

Dazedandconfused2021 · 29/08/2021 20:57

I dont understand why you'd charge a % of his wage rather than a set amount? If he has a wage rise it wouldn't cost you any more to have him living with you. I think you should absolutely charge keep but I'd work out a set amount that you think is fair and charge him that.

Bollindger · 29/08/2021 21:03

Some of us can't afford to feed an 18 year old for free.
While he was a child the government paid towards his expenses.
Now he is an ADULT he has to pay his own way.
Stop trying to shame a parent who needs the adult in the house to pay his way, and by the way, they Will say he owes about £75 a week of the rent......if your claiming it, on top of the money you no longer get to keep him....
Or maybe the OP should starve so sonny boy can spend spend spend.

Original poster
ILoveMyCaravan · 29/08/2021 21:11

The only reason I mentioned a percentage was that it was easier to explain that way as everyone's financial situation will be different.

It just so happens that the figure I had in mind works out at 25% of his basic take home pay.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveMyCaravan · 29/08/2021 21:13

@Bollindger thank you, I couldn't have put it better myself x

OP posts:
Carboncheque · 29/08/2021 21:13

You have to keep feeding him, the child benefit/tax credit has stopped and you’re on a tight budget. That means it’s not only reasonable to take money from him it’s also necessary.

I’d ask for X amount rather than a % so that if he takes extra hours he gets the full benefit.

OnTheBoardwalk · 29/08/2021 21:15

@MaybeAMoaner

Take his wage but secretly save it for him and present it to him when he needs it most.

That’s what I will do.

Maybe you can afford this but no point saying it to OP who says she'll be down in cash and the money will help

Think a quarter of basic sounds fair. You say he's got the opportunity of extra hours. If he wants to do this for more cash then it’s his choice

Original poster
ILoveMyCaravan · 29/08/2021 21:18

I don't want to turn this into a "benefits" thread but the fact is that we will lose some money that was for bringing up a CHILD who is now an ADULT and earning his own money. I am just being open and honest by mentioning it. And it does make a difference. If he had left home we wouldn't have the extra expense of him being here. I am very happy that he's still at home.

OP posts:
Jangle33 · 29/08/2021 21:18

Will you be supporting him through uni? Have you spoken to him about this and how much he will need?

If there’s not been much money spare then he’s probably enjoying having a little cash for the first time, unless times are v tight then I wouldn’t be asking him for money but assuming he needs to support himself through uni then I would focus on that.

Carboncheque · 29/08/2021 21:20

There are some seriously tone deaf posts on here.

Original poster
ILoveMyCaravan · 29/08/2021 21:22

Yes it would be a fixed amount not a percentage. If he works extra hours then that's to his benefit not mine. Although I really would like to see him save some as well whilst he's got the chance and not studying as well.

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 29/08/2021 21:24

My dd came back home from uni 3 yrs ago, she gives me £500 a month out of her wages. Goes towards food, electric, gas and petrol money.

Before anyone says, it is what she said she would give me. She has more money in the bank than I do Smile

DrWhoNowww · 29/08/2021 21:25

I guess it depends on the conversation you had when you agreed to the gap year.

Him turning 18 and you losing child benefit/credits isn’t a surprise - so should have been factored into the conversation surely?

I’d also consider how much loan he will be entitled to at university - if he’s getting anything less than maximum maintenance loan then parents are expected to top up - it’s worth having a conversation with him now if this isn’t going to be possible, so he can start saving the difference for himself (this is why the student loan system is so shit, it should be a flat rate regardless of family income)

If you need the money you need the money and if he was just an adult working it would be a no brainer - but I can’t imagine taking money off a child during a gap year unless I planned to give it back for their first year at uni, everything you take off him now is less money than he will have next year and you’ll be expected to make up the shortfall.

Original poster
ILoveMyCaravan · 29/08/2021 21:26

We would expect him to get a p/t job whilst at uni. He'd get the full grant like his brother. We would set him up with everything he needs though, like we did with his sibling.

We're hoping that the work experience he has gained now will help him get a p/t job at uni. He's more than capable of doing both.

OP posts:
NinDS · 29/08/2021 21:28

Both me and my sibling never paid board while we worked and lived at home but we were expected to buy our own clothes/shoes/toiletries etc unless it was something large and then they would chip in. It worked brilliantly and I will do the same with my children. I would hate to think they have to pay to live in their home. Buying what they want is a different matter.

Carboncheque · 29/08/2021 21:28

I think you’ll be doing him a favour by having the conversation with him. If he spends his year working and spending his money as it comes in he’s going to get used to living that way and have very little saved for University. Knowing that you need him to pay some keep to keep putting food on the table and cover his share of the bills should get him thinking more about his spending choices.

user1487194234 · 29/08/2021 21:31

Our eldest 2are away at Uni,we support them fully and don't want them working in term time
We won't be charging any of them until they have finished their education ( by which time hopefully they will have moved out!)

Original poster
ILoveMyCaravan · 29/08/2021 21:31

With covid it was really hard to have a proper conversation about what would happen. He was undecided about whether to go to uni. No we didn't discuss finances at all. All that was said was if he wanted to defer for a year then he would have to get a job. Maybe it's misleading to say "gap year" he's not travelling, he's just taking a year off and getting some work experience.

Please don't make me sound like a bad parent for asking for money from him. We have to be able to live!

OP posts:
Tee20x · 29/08/2021 21:37

I get it's a bit awkward but like others have said if you truly need the money then you need the money and nothing will change that.

All you can do is have a conversation with him about it & he can either chip in and help out or find somewhere to live himself and cover 100% of the costs.

An alternative could be to get him to spend his own money on things for himself eg food - you say he eats a lot so maybe doing this will put things into perspective for him when he has to budget for himself?

Does he pay all his own bills like phone, phone insurance etc?

My parents never charged me rent to live at home, whether that be while home for the summer from uni, or after uni when I started working full time & if I am in the position to, I wouldn't charge either when DD is of age.