AIBU to charge my 18yr old a quarter of his wage?

[ILoveMyCaravan]

My son is taking a year off before going to uni next year. He got excellent grades in his GCSEs and A levels. He's got a part time job and seems to work hard. AIBU to ask him for around 1/4 of his take home pay whilst he's living at home for the next year?

We've left it for the first few months of him working as thought he deserved to treat himself when he finished college, but he spends every penny on his girlfriend, clothes, eating out, gym, phone etc he has nothing left at the end of the month. And I'm finding it hard to stand back and watch him be so care free with money.

Tax credits and child benefit stop this month and we will miss that extra money.

I'm only struggling with this decision because I worked p/t from the age of 14 because I wasn't provided for by my parents apart from the basics of having a roof over my head. I had to buy literally everything else that I needed. I don't want him to feel like I did.

I get that, but that wasn’t your sons doing and if this wasn’t discussed with him prior, I don’t think it’s fair to state this as a rule now.
It should’ve been discussed as soon as he got the job.

I would. He needs to learn to budget, especially with uni coming next year. My niece heads off for her first year in a couple of weeks, and her rent alone for halls of residence comes in at £140 a week/£5600 for the academic year. Then there’s food, and laundry, and transport (my brother has bought her a new pushbike to get around because a car will be ridiculous). Then fun money!

Unless you sit down with him and explain all of the above he will not understand.
You knew you were going to lose this income so maybe putting something like this in motion at the start so he could have paid less over a longer period of time would have been better?
I paid my way from a very young age so I'm not suggesting he shouldn't although if save at least half for him.

@RussianSpy101

So if he saves £250 for the next 12 months towards uni he will have £3,000 which isn’t much at all. Plus only having £500 a month to live on.

Will he be entitled to any financial support with you being on a low income?

ONLY £500 to live on? That's plenty for disposable income when he has no other bills/dependents/car etc

YANBU at all

There's very much a rich people and poor people division on this thread. Those that have money and are financially more comfortable are saying "I would let him life with me as a working adult for free " or "save that rent money and give it back to him in savings later "
Without understanding that
OP has to struggle now to afford the bills for her and other DCs, PLUS the extra bills her working adult son is making. Her income is down (loss of CTC, CB) but with all the costs of having a child at hone still!! My adult son easily doubles our food bill (4 of us in total he's the only man and he eats a phenomenal amount as is pure muscle and gym loving), he increases my electric bills lights on everywhere, gaming into late nights, putting oven on to cook himself food late at night, arrives with mates who drink all my (nice) coffee tin for that week in an afternoon/eat all the weeks snacks for my other DCs in an evening , forgets to turn things off, accidentally breaks things as he's not careful, and this is just when he's home between uni terms (5 months a year) and working PT !! Love him, it's not deliberate, it's niavity and just not thinking, when I say but what do we eat now?

An adult son at home all year would have to pay towards costs if living with me, as we'd lose our house otherwise , I'd be unable to pay mortgage or all our bills. Let alone afford his food bill. He'll also cost extra for council tax if OP is single mum with 25% discount or gets UC.

I understand where OP is coming from. I don't charge my uni son, (but give him stink eye looks until he pays to fix what he's broken if carelessness), but I also point out he has got to reign it in a bit as I can't afford his lifestyle. And neither can he. It's been a long year.

£300 take home a month is quarter of his wage??? That is equivalent to a wage of around £19000. For a part time job!

Many people live off that as thier only income.
On that amount of money he should be paying a significant chunk towards his living costs and saving for uni.
It's not much less than I earn and manage to keep a family of 3 on that.
He should not be bowing all that.money on leisure activities and clothes.

@DrWhoNowww

I guess it depends on the conversation you had when you agreed to the gap year.

Him turning 18 and you losing child benefit/credits isn’t a surprise - so should have been factored into the conversation surely?

I’d also consider how much loan he will be entitled to at university - if he’s getting anything less than maximum maintenance loan then parents are expected to top up - it’s worth having a conversation with him now if this isn’t going to be possible, so he can start saving the difference for himself (this is why the student loan system is so shit, it should be a flat rate regardless of family income)

If you need the money you need the money and if he was just an adult working it would be a no brainer - but I can’t imagine taking money off a child during a gap year unless I planned to give it back for their first year at uni, everything you take off him now is less money than he will have next year and you’ll be expected to make up the shortfall.

If OP has been getting tax credits for him then develop get the full loan and probably maximum bursary so she wouldn't need to contribute to uni.

@RedHelenB
If OP has been getting tax credits for him then develop get the full loan and probably maximum bursary so she wouldn't need to contribute to uni.

That’s not certain. I’m on a few threads about uni costs as my DD is in uni in Scotland right now. And there are many parents saying that the maintenance loan maximum amount doesn’t even cover the uni accommodation costs for self catered...and so you still need to provide support to top up the accommodation, food, transport, class supplies, toiletries, etc. And not all students can work a job and be successful at university. My DD can’t as she has SEN.

But I am seriously dreading having the conversation with him...

I would have thought that the imminent loss of tax credits and benefits provides a great lead-in to the conversation. You can start by talking about the family budget and how much the benefits contribute to it, and that you'll all have to tighten your belts when the benefits stop, blah blah blah. Maybe if you lay it on thick enough you can get him to offer part of his earnings rather than ask him for it.

Yes
the maintenance loan maximum amount doesn’t even cover the uni accommodation costs for self catered...

My son gets maximum uni maintenance loan and it doesn't cover all the costs - travel, Accomodation, food, books, laptop repairs, insurance, prescription charges (he is applying HC1), etc

Luckily I'd saved for him as had he. All that's gone in the first year and more. And you still have to feed and house your uni student DCs jnbetween term times. 20+ weeks a year.

Uni is easier for richer people.

OP's son should be aiming to save £1.5- 2k per year towards uni at the least - so if by end of this year out working he has built a savings account with £5+k in it, that'd be a help to him for all 3 years if he budgets well.

I would be having the big financial talks now. He is not saving. How does he plan to get together stuff to take to uni? Does he know he has to provide his own bedding? His own kitchen stuff, bathroom stuff etc. Does he have the money for his transport needs. Many unis have multiple buildings and halls spread out... Dds bus pass is £200 a year. And she had to pay for it before she got her maintenance loan through.

Does he know how to budget for food, toiletries, cleaning kit, clothes, travel, birthday cards etc for family members He'll be given a lump of a couple of grand to last him 3- 4 months and still need to have money left from it at the END of the time, he will need money in the bank for a deposit for a year 2 house share for instance. He should be saving now for his own future, especially if money is tight at home.

I agree about people not understanding when you have no money. If you don’t earn enough support your child that Gov tops your wages up then when that child turns 18 you have limited choices.

A- child stops costing you money
B- fairy godmother pays for everything you couldn’t afford before
C- said child/adult supports themselves on money they are earning.

In idea world parents would be able support as long as needed but if you don’t have money should you starve so your child can spend their wages on trainers and going out……

OP is getting a tough time here from some very privileged but spectacularly unaware folks.

She has supported her son all through his childhood and along the way git some helps in the form of benefits to due to her circumstances.

Her DS is no longer a child and is earning good money, it's not up other to pay costs now. Maybe if she had money to spare she would, irrelevant she doesn't.

He is an adult with an income and circumstances mean he should and needs to contribute to the costs of the home that he lives in. He can afford it easily. Imagine only having £500 fun money pcm! Not many adults with their own homes have this amount. I certainly don't.

At times like this I appreciate the Welsh grants system. All students get the maximum maintenance amount, the proportion of loan versus grant varies on household income. Parental contribution not expected. Just as well, I don't have it to give. There. Is no allowance for other siblings unlike with EMA so it's a tough ask.

@ILoveMyCaravan

With covid it was really hard to have a proper conversation about what would happen. He was undecided about whether to go to uni. No we didn't discuss finances at all. All that was said was if he wanted to defer for a year then he would have to get a job. Maybe it's misleading to say "gap year" he's not travelling, he's just taking a year off and getting some work experience.

Please don't make me sound like a bad parent for asking for money from him. We have to be able to live!

You are not coming across as a bad parent to me. Just about to have the conversation with our youngest who is working a year and staying at home, the first of ours to do so. September is a watershed for us. Gave him the summer no keep but now friends are at university or left home we have said first 10 hours pay are for keep and bills. We don't need it but adult children working and not paying anything to live is not good for anyone all round what ever your circumstances.

@PalmsandCharms oh really, because you know everything about my working life don't you. Clearly not and I cba explaining myself to people like you. Kindly leave my thread if you've nothing constructive to say. I've already said I don't want this to turn into a benefits bashing post.

@PalmsandCharms leave my thread please. Are you also tone deaf to that request as well? I don't need your goady attacking attitude.

I paid half my wages at home, and came to rather resent it, especially as my Mum never worked and my Dad had mental health issues and was often out of work).

When our son started work we didn't charge him anything and he was quite irresponsible with money at that time (not now). I think it ia a mistake to not charge anything because it doesn't encourage young people to think about the cost of things, to budget and save. On reflection, I think we should have charged about a quarter of his earnings and perhaps put a little away to give to him at a later stage when he needed it.

I think it irrelevant that the OP has been in receipt of benefits. She still has to pay for food and bills and it is understandable that she will miss child benefit and tax credit. (But, OP, I don't think you can order someone to get off your thread. Unfortunately you have to factor in that some people are very judgmental and just put up with it).

Transactional parenting at its best. So as soon as the benefits stop, things change.