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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to charge my 18yr old a quarter of his wage?

139 replies

ILoveMyCaravan · 29/08/2021 19:36

My son is taking a year off before going to uni next year. He got excellent grades in his GCSEs and A levels. He's got a part time job and seems to work hard. AIBU to ask him for around 1/4 of his take home pay whilst he's living at home for the next year?

We've left it for the first few months of him working as thought he deserved to treat himself when he finished college, but he spends every penny on his girlfriend, clothes, eating out, gym, phone etc he has nothing left at the end of the month. And I'm finding it hard to stand back and watch him be so care free with money.

Tax credits and child benefit stop this month and we will miss that extra money.

I'm only struggling with this decision because I worked p/t from the age of 14 because I wasn't provided for by my parents apart from the basics of having a roof over my head. I had to buy literally everything else that I needed. I don't want him to feel like I did.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 29/08/2021 21:39

How have you got by these few months if not having this money is so critical?

You have to admit not discussing this before he made the decision to defer uni for a year and get a p/t job that you’re putting him in an awkward position. It’s the kind of thing that can breed resentment. He might have decided not to defer if he knew he’d be working just to top up your income by £300/mo.

abbs1 · 29/08/2021 21:42

@Ilovemycaravan I dont think its a bad idea. I got a job at 18 as my child benefit my mum got stopped and the top up housing benefit they got for me stopped as well due to me working so I paid towards the money that they lost from that income to go towards food and bills. I was earning after tax etc around £1000 a month so gave them £300 a month and then saved some and bought my own clothes etc as my parents couldn't really afford it and struggled so I did my best to help them and support myself.

allyouneedisconnection · 29/08/2021 21:46

I don't think I could keep the money from my child working. It's a temporary situation. I would however encourage him to save a percentage of the money. I realise I may get hammered for my approach though.

Tomorrowisanewday · 29/08/2021 21:50

I had a part time job in a supermarket from when i was 14 (i'm old, we were allowed to work when we were at school) and gave my parents a third of my wages. I was never asked, but we didn't have much, and i thought it was right. Unbeknown to me, they saved it all, and gave me it when i needed to buy a car to get to college

caringcarer · 29/08/2021 22:02

I charged my boys house contribution but not until they finished full time education. We sat down and worked out 1/4 of council tax as 4 adults living here. 1/4 of water rates, 1/4 of fuel etc. He paid about £200 pcm. Why not suggest he buys some food and learns to prepare. At 18 he should be doing own laundry. Suggest he buys washing powder. Tell him you would like to see he can care for himself before he leaves home.

Quinoadogvlue · 29/08/2021 22:03

In 1984 I was 17,just out of college and in my first job, my parents asked for 1/4 of my take home pay. They told me this was the ‘going rate’. I had my first month free to allow me to buy some clothes to go to work in. If losing child benefit etc makes you short I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for him to contribute and will give him experience of living in the real world and paying for himself.

wantmorenow · 29/08/2021 22:05

As a single parent with 3 kids still living at home I think talking money with him is treating him as an adult and a good thing. My oldest DC contributed soon after starting work. We sat down with my bank statements and I showed her my income and expenditure. She was amazed to see that her disposable income was more than mine even on her minimum wage.

Since then she has contributed a little more as her wages increased. She now out earns me by a long way. Still contributing £250 pcm but great at getting in extra shopping etc.
It's not rent. It's contributing to the house she lives in. Works great and she's still here at the age of 26 so she's happy with it. So am I.

Middle child off to university will live away. Still 1 dependent DC left. I have a good job but not well paid, after mortgage, bills and food not much is left.

Please don't frame it as rent as this suggests it's an income for you. It's just an adult helping the other adults meet the costs of living in a home. It's part of growing up and healthy.

Kids need sound financial education and it's part of our job as parents to teach the value of money and how to use it wisely.

VeganVeg · 29/08/2021 22:07

Does it cost you £300 per month to have him living with you? If it does and you have lost that much in benefits, and you can’t live without it, fair enough. If not then no, as you will have to survive when he moves out.

PalmsandCharms · 29/08/2021 22:08

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IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/08/2021 22:11

What’s the plan when he leaves?

I can’t imagine it costs £300 a month to feed him and he may be very resentful of having to now pay when that wasn’t agreed prior to the gap year. It’s not his fault the government are no longer paying his costs.

PalmsandCharms · 29/08/2021 22:14

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Bloballbovish · 29/08/2021 22:15

My stepchildren always paid around the amount you're proposing, from leaving college/6th form. They're expensive to feed! There's usually only been two of them at home at a time and my food bills used to be £700 a month. Now they've all gone, my food bill was £250 last month, and that's with school summer holidays for my eldest child and a newly weaned baby added in. No chance was I finding an extra £500 a month to feed adults who swan in with constant new clothes and go out on expensive nights out drinking expensive cocktails and shots all night.

One of them complained but I listed what their share of all the bills was, so they could see that I wasn't trying to fleece them. If your son is not happy show him what things you pay out for cost. I wouldn't focus on the loss of tax credits etc, though its a valid reason, show him what expenses he incurs so he knows why he's contributing. The DSC who complained to me thought it would be cheaper to move out than pay me £250 a month. Took a while for me to stop laughing so I could clear up that one!

Wriggleon · 29/08/2021 22:17

£300 for an 18 year old working 25 hours seems quite steep. Does he really cost you that much? I would have thought the extra food and bills wouldn't come to that. He should be paying for bus pass, phone contract, gym membership, own clothes, fancy toiletries etc. If ferrying him around is expensive, stop it, he's an adult he can make his own way about

wantmorenow · 29/08/2021 22:19

Costs a lot to house a family. Kids eat constantly, use the dryer when I wouldn't, lights on everywhere lol plus if I wasn't housing them I could sell and downsize so mortgage much less.

£300pcm is only & 70 a week. Full board and lodgings for this is not really huge. If it includes lifts a lot, it's a bargain. Perhaps reduce it slightly but he also needs to chip in to household chores now too if he doesn't already. Adulting isn't as much as they think 😂

MyMabel · 29/08/2021 22:20

I paid £180 a month to my mum - don’t get me wrong I’m still care free about money but at the same time I have friends that have never been charged a penny by their parents and they’re always shocked by how much living costs are now they’ve moved out. We sat down and talked about living costs when I started working; initially I was shocked that you even had to pay for water 😂 food costs are shocking too. It’s a great learning curve because no one like paying bills, it still has to be done.

CoffeeRunner · 29/08/2021 22:24

Is he your eldest/first to go to Uni?

DS2 cost us way more at Uni than he ever did at home!

Both DS1 & DS2 are now back living at home & working full time. Both earn roughly £25k per year (before tax obviously) and pay me £250 each per month.

Original poster
ILoveMyCaravan · 29/08/2021 23:17

Oh dear! Yes I chose to have children. They are now adults. This isn't about replacing 'handouts' I'm approaching 60 and have worked since I was 14! Think I've more than paid my way in life!

Good for you, all those who have the choice whether to take rent from their adult offspring or not. Many people don't have that choice. But I'd rather be in my position than be so oblivious to the struggles of others.

Thank you to all those who have taken the time to reply with kindness.

OP posts:
CityCommuter · 29/08/2021 23:39

@ILoveMyCaravan if you decide to charge your DS a quarter of his wage will you be keeping / saving that money separately to give to him for Uni? He'll probably think you're going to spend it on bills but putting it aside is a good idea and prevents him from spending all of his wages as soon as gets paid! Some of my family members do this and I probably will follow their example as it works really well...

PlanDeRaccordement · 29/08/2021 23:40

Come on OP, you have the choice. Otherwise you would not have been able to get through these first few months without the money from your DC. Your OP was the most honest post you wrote on here: You don’t need the money, you miss the “extra” money and you can’t stand to watch him spend his money because you think he’s wasting it. That’s what is behind this. Not financial struggles. Not teaching him a life lesson.

Carboncheque · 29/08/2021 23:50

Read the first post again

’Tax credits and child benefit stop this month and we will miss that extra money’

THIS MONTH.

At least read the post properly before you condemn the OP.

Sleepinghyena · 30/08/2021 00:00

@PlanDeRaccordement Tax credits and child benefit stop at the end of August after your child has left school or college. The op. has stated the payments stop THIS MONTH. She hasn't managed without the money for months at all. Your post is nasty. Telling her she doesn't need the money- how the hell do you know her financial situation?

Lennybenny · 30/08/2021 00:00

Ooof....there are a few people on here who had parents with no financial issues growing up.

Absolutely you should expect him to contribute to his home. Whether you choose to save some of it for him or use it to pay for all that goes with having a dc at home is up to you.
Financially as of next year I will have a ds at uni and will lose the cb/uc for him. It will be hard to lose that and pay the extra ct. I still have to feed him though. He has a pt job as of a month ago and I will take a % off him on his pay day as I did last month.....part of it will go towards the £66 a week I pay for his driving lessons. It won't touch it but I expect him to contribute (exh doesn't so things have always been tight) he absolutely understands this and is happy to. What he doesn't know is I will pay into his savings account and make sure he has £1000 for the day he goes off to uni. Not much by a lot of people's standards but massive by ours. I will work extra hours and by the time he leaves 6th form I will be ready for the drop in income.....but he will either pay towards his keep or have certain bills transferred to him so he can understand his budget (phone, insurance etc)
Your ds needs to know the value of money and a budget. Take it now so uni is not a shock when he realises he's spent his money on food but not books. Explain why you want it and explain how he has none of big bills to pay but also explain in detail how rent, ct, electric, gas, TV licence etc work. You aren't asking him to pay for your things but contribute to the things he needs as well...iykwim. L

Lennybenny · 30/08/2021 00:03

You really aren't being unreasonable to ask your adult child live in the house that you all share

Boredhimtodeath · 30/08/2021 00:17

It’s not unreasonable. He is earning money so it’s only fair he pays a contribution, I would consider taking slightly more and saving the extra towards uni for him.

Original poster
ILoveMyCaravan · 30/08/2021 00:20

@PlanDeRaccordement oh dear are you really that out of touch with reality that you don't know in which month tax credits/child benefits stop after a child turns 18?

OP posts: