Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What the hell do we do?! (Potential trigger warning)

303 replies

Ninhurt · 29/08/2021 16:42

Dsd has just disclosed to me that she thinks she has been abused. BUT (and I few like a complete monster for saying this) it doesn’t really add up and I’m not sure what to do. I used to be so sure I’d instantly call the police but the details are extremely fuzzy.

For instance dsd said that she thinks a teacher from a hobby when she was younger ‘did something’. She doesn’t know what, and doesn’t remember anything happening. She also said she can’t remember the name of the teacher, then later on said that her older sister had googled him and that he had left the country. She then again said she didn’t know his name (then how did her sister google him?)

She has also named a teacher at her primary school that she said she also thinks ‘did something’. But again, she can’t remember anything that may have happened? Just that she ‘has a feeling’. And she said he hugged her once in the staff room?

Dsd is 19. DH is absolutely distraught and wanted to phone 111 for advice but dsd says she doesn’t want to because she can’t actually remember anything happening. She is absolutely adamant that we can’t tell her mum, but we can tell her aunties and Nan?

I’m not an evil stepmom, we actually have a really good relationship, and I feel awful, but I can’t shake the intuition that this isn’t quite true. Again, I don’t want to think this, but it’s almost like she’s enjoying ‘punishing’ her dads side of the family with this.

DH says we have to leave it (but he and his side of the family are in a complete state). I think we should call the non emergency police number for some sort of advice as you never know. And if it (whatever ‘it’ is) is true then this teacher is now a deputy head at a primary school?

DH and dsd are both very against this idea. I feel extremely unsettled and am worried about dsd wondering what else may be wrong (as I don’t think she’d make something like this up flippantly).

OP posts:
LidlMiddleLover · 29/08/2021 20:54

Attention seeking for some reason

scarpa · 29/08/2021 21:01

@LidlMiddleLover

Attention seeking for some reason
Attitudes like this are why people don't disclose sexual trauma.

Whether or not OP's DSD is telling the truth (and I've no real reason to think she's not), sexual trauma and child sex abuse can cause a huge amount of psychological stress which can affect memory. It can also be very painful or scary for a victim of CSA to come forward. For someone's immediate response to be "attention seeker" could do a huge amount of harm, not to mention anyone else reading this thread who was thinking about disclosing their own abuse might think twice after reading your comment.

Hope you're happy now you've fired off that clever little bowel movement of a comment, though.

Nosuchthingas · 29/08/2021 21:10

@LidlMiddleLover

Attention seeking for some reason
Sadly this is what sprung to mind for me too. I feel horrid saying it, there's just something about the way she's using this to emotionally manipulate her father that doesn't sit right with me.

I had a friend growing up who has now been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, some of the things she used to fabricate were massive and I think she got that caught up in some of it she almost believed her own lies.

She would tell people that her parents weren't her bio parents and that she was adopted.

She invented a brother that didn't exist and went to the extent of making false accounts online claiming to be him.

She used to pretend that her cousins daughter was actually her daughter who she conceived at 13 after a relationship with an older man, and her family covered it up.

She pretended she had a sister who died in a fire.

None of those things were true but she'd use them to manipulate us (her friends)

I noticed you said she's had MH problems from an early age, has ongoing emotional issues and a previous therapist labelled her as manipulative, so that's something to think about.

I'm not suggesting she has BPD by the way, there's just something about your posts that reminded me of this friend.

I'm probably going to be piled on for even suggesting it but it's not coming from a place of malice.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 29/08/2021 21:11

Attention seeking for some reason

I'd guess the reason is she's traumatised after suffering sexual abuse as a child.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/08/2021 21:29

I noticed you said she's had MH problems from an early age, has ongoing emotional issues and a previous therapist labelled her as manipulative, so that's something to think about

In fairness all of these behaviours can be a result of childhood trauma.

Nosuchthingas · 29/08/2021 21:35

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I noticed you said she's had MH problems from an early age, has ongoing emotional issues and a previous therapist labelled her as manipulative, so that's something to think about

In fairness all of these behaviours can be a result of childhood trauma.

Of course, and they very well may be.
TatianaBis · 29/08/2021 21:52

I don't think the place to start is the police if she doesn't want you to involve the police. It's important that, whatever happened, even if nothing happened, she's in control of the process.

I would start with the NSPCC personally.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/08/2021 22:12

Is it at all possible that the abuse could've been from someone on dad's side of the family? Hence her need for him to believe her and prove he's on her side and loves her etc and also her insistence that they know.

Ninhurt · 29/08/2021 22:47

It’s all completely fucked at the minute.

Dsd was very angry that DH had not called the other family members apart from mil. It was getting very heated by the time I came downstairs and when I tried to calm everything down I got hit with both barrels, verbally and physically.

I am a bit shocked as I thought we had a great relationship but there is clearly a lot of resentment there I hadn’t been picking up on.

She’s brought up numerous things from years ago as an example of me ‘hating’ her really. She has said some things that I know I have never said or done. An example was she said I made it clear that I didn’t want her to live with us when we moved a few years ago. The truth is I suggested dsd have the second biggest room, which was a lovely room with a huge bay window. We were going to have the one with the en suite (dsd ended up with it in the end anyway). Also me suggesting the centre as a form of support was a way of calling her a liar apparently and I only wanted her to go so she’s be ‘shown up’.

I know dsd is very on edge at the minute so didn’t retaliate at all. Anything I said just seemed to annoy her more. She did lunge for me but DH stepped in and she hit him instead, which was a huge shock. She stormed out saying she was going to jump off a bridge and after frantically searching for her, mil found out she was at her boyfriends mums. As if that wasn’t enough drama, boyfriend mum has since messaged me on Facebook calling me disgusting as dsd has gone round there sobbing and saying we called her a liar and told her to get out. I won’t be replying, it would only be adding fuel to the fire at this point I think.

I’m a bit shellshocked to be honest. It felt like everything was going really well, dsd has seemed happy and settled and I had no idea any of this was simmering under the surface. I keep running and re-running everything in my head and trying to make sense of what is happening.

Dsd is clearly hurt and angry and lashing out.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/08/2021 22:52

I feel sad for everyone involved here 😞

I think the best thing at the moment would be for you to step back a little and make your priority role supporting your DH, while his can be supporting her.

This sounds like a mental health crisis on her part whether it's due to childhood abuse or not.

You are being triangulated as a non supporter of hers. Again, whether or not that's true (I know it's not) you engaging is not going to help matters IMO.

Your DH is her parent and while he can have you (obviously) as his confidant and teammate he needs to lead the way when it comes to how he handles things with his DD.

As I say, whatever the reasons and whatever has happened, she is clearly having a mental health crisis at the moment and needs to feel her dad is on side.

While physical violence is never justified, she sounds unwell and desperately sad and anxious. It's not an excuse but it may be a reason.

Poor you, poor him and poor her - I know this must feel so tough Thanks

Nosuchthingas · 29/08/2021 22:55

Well she definitely needs to see a therapist.

She’s brought up numerous things from years ago as an example of me ‘hating’ her really. She has said some things that I know I have never said or done

The more you write the more she sounds like the friend I mentioned in my previous reply.

dsd has gone round there sobbing and saying we called her a liar and told her to get out.

Hmm, so she thinks nothing of telling lies to garner sympathy/attention then.

Ninhurt · 29/08/2021 23:02

Don’t think we will be getting much sleep tonight Sad dsd is safe I think and has told mil she wants to stay where she is.

I’ve told DH I’m going to step back a bit and just follow his lead. Dsd seemed genuinely to resent me googling the centre and getting the info printed off for her (I didn’t try to go through it or anything, just mentioned it was in a folder if she wanted to look when she felt ready). I’ve clearly overstepped somewhere.

DH seems to be veering between desperately sad and angry at the minute so we are just not looking at the messages coming through tonight and will hopefully talk to dad if she wants in the morning when everyone has slept on it.

He wanted to message and point out things that she said I had done but he knew was categorically untrue. He thinks she’s just got some stuff mixed up in her head and that she’ll calm down when he explains it. I pointed out that would probably be a really bad idea seeing as she already feels disbelieved at the minute, and would just make everything worse.

OP posts:
Warmduscher · 29/08/2021 23:06

You sound like you have been very measured and calm, OP, which must have been incredibly difficult while she was accusing you of things you hadn’t done and trying to assault you. It must have been very hard to maintain your sense of sympathy for her through all that - fair play to you that you managed it.

What a shame she’s decided to involve her bf’s mother, who sounds like a drama queen and exactly what you don’t need in a situation like this.

What does your DH think?

Ninhurt · 29/08/2021 23:11

Thank you but I don’t feel measured or calm at all, just a complete nervous wreck! I don’t do well with conflict at all.

I was a bit Hmm at the boyfriends mums messages, it was a bit too ‘I just love the drama Mick’. But then, if we had done what dsd said we had, I guess we’d deserve it!

DH has agreed to leave it until everyone has calmed down.

OP posts:
Warmduscher · 29/08/2021 23:14

@Ninhurt

Thank you but I don’t feel measured or calm at all, just a complete nervous wreck! I don’t do well with conflict at all.

I was a bit Hmm at the boyfriends mums messages, it was a bit too ‘I just love the drama Mick’. But then, if we had done what dsd said we had, I guess we’d deserve it!

DH has agreed to leave it until everyone has calmed down.

I guess that’s all you can do.

I hate when people enjoy the drama. This is such a serious matter, it’s not something you post on Facebook. It’s interesting your DSD was happy to tell her bf’s mum but not her own mum.

Ninhurt · 29/08/2021 23:18

I was quite surprised that she told her boyfriends mum, and I assume her new boyfriend? She hasn’t been seeing him for long.

Her mum is going to completely devastated (and furious at us for knowing and not saying anything) when this all comes out.

OP posts:
Nosuchthingas · 29/08/2021 23:18

It’s interesting your DSD was happy to tell her bf’s mum but not her own mum.

Yes I think so too.

CookieCrunch123 · 29/08/2021 23:20

This sounds so difficult. It sounds like you are handling it well. I’d let everyone calm down and see if she’ll agree to come round and talk about everything. She’s clearly very unhappy and in need of help and support but it’s not so clear what would be helpful to her right now. Maybe ask her that exact question ‘what can we do to help?’ And see what she suggests. I think there may be more tough times ahead before this situation improves. Would it be better for her DH to meet with her without you if she’s angry with you?

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 29/08/2021 23:28

'Boyfriend mum has since messaged me on Facebook calling me disgusting as dsd has gone round there sobbing and saying we called her a liar and told her to get out.'

Hmmmm. So she's lying then?

Couldn't remember the name of her abuser; still can't remember it even though her sister managed to find him on the internet. Only wants half the family told, and with astonishing haste. Been called 'manipulative' by her therapist, ffs. Has lied about you and her dad to her bf's family.

She may well be telling the truth. But I hope that whatever has happened to her - because it can't be good, to behave like this - she gets help. And I hope no-one's life ends up being rent to pieces as a result of baseless accusations.

berryfull · 29/08/2021 23:29

She sounds like a total narcissistic liar. Sorry but she does

Mulhollandmagoo · 29/08/2021 23:34

@Ninhurt

Dsd was very clear that she would never talk to either of us again if we told her mum ‘behind her back’.
So, your DSD is vaguely trying to tell you she thinks she's been abused, and under no circumstances must you tell either the police or her mum? Does her mum have a partner, and is it possible he could have done anything to her?

The only reason I ask, is because one of my DN was sexually attacked, and it took a considerable amount of time for her to feel comfortable enough to tell someone the whole story, she told lots of variations of the story first? Seemed to take her a while to get her thoughts in order and wanted to see how people would react? She had some excellent trauma therapy and is doing very well now.

Not read the full thread so apologies if this has already been discussed

Henni19 · 29/08/2021 23:36

Hi OP. I just wanted to say that I felt just like your dsd. I KNEW I had been abused as a child, but I never told a soul as I had no idea who did it or any memory really, just that it happened.

Age 19 I had a health issue which caused me a load of anxiety and I went for private hypnotherapy. Within 3 sessions the whole abuse stuff came out and I was able to recall all of it. I kept it to myself for another decade as I didn't want to make my mum feel bad for leaving me in the care of this man.
It was only a couple of years back I decided to confide in my sister and she confirmed she knew about it as she was there. And he did it to both of us.
The man in question is dead now and we decided to not tell my mum , or anyone else as it would have broken her.
However as sketchy as your dsd is being it may well be that she really cannot remember. It's a horrible feeling, the mind is a powerful thing and is capable of suppressing memories and filing them away in a part of our minds we don't know exists. It's possible to retrieve these files and will probably give her the closure she needs.
I hope all works out for you all.

Hairyfairy01 · 29/08/2021 23:45

Perhaps DSD is testing the waters a bit with how you react? My guess is that further information is to come. Perhaps an abuser a bit closer to home? Yes, information / memories may be hazy. She will have blocked them out the best she can for many years. Please contact the NSPCC. They will advise you, and her as well. It is not uncommon to disclose things to people you are not that familiar / close with. The hardest part is disclosing stuff to people you are close to m, and love, as you have the fear of their rejection and disappointment then.

SecondCityShark · 29/08/2021 23:47

The whole 'you need to tell x, y and z by the time I'm back, but not a and b' thing is really, really weird.

I'm not saying she's lying, but she's certainly got some unpleasant and manipulative traits there.

TatianaBis · 30/08/2021 00:07

Slightly beside the point but how did DSD end up with the biggest bedroom with the en suite?

Swipe left for the next trending thread