To not want mil round same day I bring my baby home?

[mlj123]

Hi so this Thursday I am having a c section. I will be out on Friday. I can't have my 5 year olds ds at the hospital to visit me due to restrictions, which makes me feel sad. I know it's only 24 hours and he will be having loads of fun, but it's still going to be hard not having both my children there. When I got home from the hospital I was really just looking forward to having the 4 of us as a family, and didn't really want anyone else there until at least the day after. Anyway I feel that my dp seems to think that I'm being a bit silly and unreasonable. He says it doesn't make a difference if she comes round. For context my mil does do a lot for us. She has our ds for us whilst we work and comes pretty much everywhere with us since Fil passed away a couple of years ago she comes on all our holidays and trips and I see her almost everyday. She has always wanted a granddaughter ( she has 2 ds) and I know this means a lot to her. However my ds has already been showing signs of jealousy about baby and I really wanted this time to come home and just spend time as a family of 4 giving him lots of attention and getting him used to his sister as best I can for him. I feel if mil was there she wouldn't b able to contain her excitement and happiness and it might make ds feel even more jealous and excluded ( although I know she wouldn't purposely do this) she loves him to pieces. I just don't want all the attention to be on baby and want the attention at the start to be about my ds having time with his sister etc. When I tell dp I just want our little family for one day he says things like she is family and I'm being u fair to her. Aibu?

@daisy46

YABVVVU

How so? That is a lot of verys considering I'm only asking for a few hours and with my dp and children. It would b later that evening if home early or the next day if I get home late. Switch that amount of verys it's almost like I'm saying dont want her to come round for a month

You've said yourself it's your husband that is pushing this, not your MIL. So have you pushed back and told him what the plan is?

Your MIL sounds like an ally and your DP sounds like a knob.

You sound very stressed. 💕

I doubt @daisy46 has read your updates, let alone the full thread.

YABU and precious but it's understandable. Your MIL sounds nice but your DP sounds like an unsupportive prick. Who thinks their paternity leave is a great time for a mini break?!

Ds will settle in fine with his new sister regardless of MIL. MIL is family and if she's dropping him off then be polite and invite her in for a cuppa and let her meet her grandson. She does a lot for you and you could be a but more friendly. This isn't your first baby it's time to show that you can crsck on with life and baby number 2 just fits in to the family. You've got this.

My dps rocked up when ds2 was born (invited to looks after ds1) absolute non issue about ds1 meeting his brother. Having family around doesn't hinder this. I just sat on sofa, cuddled the baby.

Keep the visit short. If she's not going push off upstairs with baby and ds to breast feed and cuddle. Just say to MIL oh you must come for a proper visit in a couple of days. I'm very tired and sore so bear with me.

I think after reading all the comments I will just take it as it comes, I will see how it goes on the day. Ds might end up taking really well to his sister and want to show her off to his nanny. I definitely want ds to meet her first but if he's ok then I might have her pop round so he can proudly introduce her. If he does seem jealous I suppose I could always invite round for a quick cuddle when he's in bed asleep.

Sorry new DGD not grandson

From your updates, I'd be tempted to have MIL over and not see your DP til the day after!

He needs to grow the fuck up.

I've just read the whole thread. It's quite sad. Sounds like your dh is only pushing you to have MIL over so he doesn't have to do anything.

Also I think you are romanticising quite a bit. DS1 may or may not be happy to see the baby, it it's likely he will be pretty disinterested after the first 10 mins. Baby may or may not be sleeping, screaming, feeding, pooing etc, and you will be feeling bleugh and knackered after a major operation and highly emotional.

It's sounds like, from your description, that if you want some decent food, a hot drink and/or some tlc you are far more likely to get it from your MIL than your DH sadly. She sounds lovely and supportive. I'd let her bring DS1 home and stay for an hour. She can coo over the baby and you can give DS1 lots of attention and hugs. Then you can have your 'family time' (in inverted commas because I'm not altogether sure your DH is on the same page as you in that respect) for the rest of the evening and all of the next day.

"From your updates, I'd be tempted to have MIL over and not see your DP til the day after!"

I should imagine that's what he'd prefer as well!

I would let her see the baby for an hour as you get free childcare from her, seems a bit mean not to let her.

@diddl

"From your updates, I'd be tempted to have MIL over and not see your DP til the day after!"

I should imagine that's what he'd prefer as well!

He probably would prefer this tbh. He has already asked me if my mum wants to be at the birth instead of him as he's "uncomfortable" with this and he didn't like it last time. He tried to get out of being there the first time round saying how squeemish he is etc, but I made him go for his own good so he could see his baby born. I can't believe he's trying to get out of it again, he makes it all about himself and how he is feeling never mind how I am feeling. He's never once asked and I'm the one on the operating table😡

I didn't really want to make this into a relationship thread but obviously there are some issues with regards to him being so hands off as a parent. I did get into an argument with him about it this morning but I can't be arsed arguing with him right now. I told him that if he didn't want to be at the birth then I will go on my own. And if he only wants to take a week off he should go back to work. I told him there is no point him taking any paternity leave as it seems like he has no plans to do any parental duties so it makes no difference to us at all. He was just saying he only wanted to go to a hotel for a night and the gym for an hour or so a day and be back so I'm over reacting but tbh I just closed the bathroom door and got in the bath I really didn't wanna listen

You do what you want to do and your dp really has to go along with what you want in this situation. Especially as you're only holding her off by a day or two.
I feel like an ideal situation would be, your dp picks up ds and brings him home, you have a day the 4 of you. Then when you're ready invite mil round and your dp takes son to park before mil arrives just so he misses the introduction and then he comes back once the excitement has died down.

Yabu and a bit precious

I've just read your update, really sorry op your dp sounds like a selfish arse. Please don't go to the birth by yourself, if he does end up backing out (which if it were my dp would be a deal breaker) make sure you have someone with you for support!

@Fleetw00d

I've just read your update, really sorry op your dp sounds like a selfish arse. Please don't go to the birth by yourself, if he does end up backing out (which if it were my dp would be a deal breaker) make sure you have someone with you for support!

He would not back out and leave me to go In alone. It would however be a lot easier for him if I did want someone else there Instead of him. It would get him out of another responsibility which would suit him just fine.

A hotel !!!! WTAF. Do what you feel you need to, but quite honestly I think I'd rather have the mil there. Maybe part of the reason she helps out so much, is because he's more of a sperm donor than a father. I'm sorry but this is pathetic behaviour from a grown man.

Yabu and a bit precious

You should maybe RTFT - or at least the OP's posts before bandying words like 'precious' about.

@BabyLeaf

Definitely YANBU. As the person who is going through birth and recovery you get the final say here.

We didn’t introduce DS to people until he was 10 days old as I just really needed time to overcome the trauma of birth, get to grips with caring for him, feel like I could put bottoms on again, felt strong enough to be able to show him off and not break down. You have no way of knowing how the birth will go or how you and baby will be afterwards so I would be very clear you’re not making any plans and once baby is here you’ll let her know when is good to meet up.

You sound very precious🙄 ‘Felt strong enough to show him off and not break down’ .... I mean ....come on ....get a grip

@iklboo

Yabu and a bit precious

You should maybe RTFT - or at least the OP's posts before bandying words like 'precious' about.

I have. The useless husband is a separate issue.

In fact, perhaps you should send him out and spend time just you, mil and the children considering she does more childcare than DH!

It is extremely selfish and rude of your H to not think to even compromise a smidgen about going to the gym after you are having major surgery. I don't even want to think what he expected from you two weeks after a c-section at a hotel room.

I cannot tell you how thoughtless and mean and narcissistic he seems!

What is wrong with him? What does your MIL think of this?

He can't even take two weeks off to help you recover and to take his own son to school but makes his MIL take care of you and take her grandchild to school? SO HE CAN GO TO THE GYM?? And NOT BE INCONVENIENCED at ALL? And it is NOT TO EVEN BE UP FOR DISCUSSION?!?

What is wrong with MIL that she doesn't tell her son to get off his lazy entitled butt to be a father and husband for two weeks?

Your life with this narcissist sounds very depressing. So you see him when he comes home at 8 PM, when you've already put DS to bed, and will be exhausted from taking care of two children, now, you don't see him for half of each Saturday and Sunday, and I expect that means all childcare falls to you each and every morning. Does he at least put DS to bed on Sat and Sun or is that your job too? Sounds like he's already a every other weekend dad.

BFD cooking meals. It's the absolute least he can do, but still leaves pots for you to clean up. Can I guess that he does shopping because he also has an obsession with certain foods and such? Does he prepare DS food as well or is that on you. Does he make what he wants to make when he wants to make it?

Jesus Christ, woman, good luck with baby number two. Sincerely.

Sounds to me like your H does what he wants when he wants and you're just expected to do everything he doesn't wish to do, but he has no guilt about anything because Mom will just do it for him.

As lovely as your MIL is, I think she raised a hugely entitled and clueless brat.

You sound very precious🙄
‘Felt strong enough to show him off and not break down’ .... I mean ....come on ....get a grip

We had a horrific labour, five day induction, DS was very poorly afterwards and spent ten days hospitalised with starvation because my milk never came in but none of the midwives would believe me. I ended up developing PTSD later down the line, but for those initial few weeks yeah, I was an absolute wreck and breaking down at anything despite being as strong as I could be for my son. I vividly remember when they told me if his jaundice got any worse he’d need a full blood transition and be at risk of brain damage thinking that if he died I would smash the window in our top floor ward and jump right out.

Funnily enough amongst being by my baby’s side while he fought for his life and trying to recover from the most terrifying, painful and traumatic event of my life, introducing my sick baby to grandparents was the last thing on my mind. Have you ever introduced your brand new tiny baby to loved ones while they’re wearing a nasogastric tube and are skeletal?

I’m so pleased you had a straightforward birth and healthy baby

@Kitkat151 that comment was for you.

OP you are overthinking. And unreasonable. But you kinda know that I think. And as a mum who is about to give birth you're getting all territorial. It's totally unreasonable and totally normal. You can come up with all the reasons why she shouldn't be there but it's really just pure instinct wanting her to just fuck the fuck off.

Weird thing is I bet on the actual day you'd love seeing her and showing off little one (assuming things go ok). The hormones tend to be pure elation and adrenaline at that point instead of the fuck off hormones you have right now.