DD saying her dad is scary.

[Shockedatthesystem80]

My daughter only sees her father in a contact centre.. We've been going through the family court for nearly 1.5 years so far and no closer to a final resolution.. She has a 2 hour session.
Most of the time her session is positive. Her father was extremely physically and mentally abusive towards her. He is a very cruel man who the last Judge got the better measure of and has refused his multiple requests to increase contact.
In recent weeks, she's been saying to other people that her daddy is scary and he hurts her, obviously the latter part isn't true as his session is completely supervised. I've taken her to the session as usual this week and she ran up to the supervisor and said "my daddy is scary" and got very upset. The supervisor looked puzzled and said why are you saying that you have lots of fun with dad. Then she asks me if it's OK to ask her why she's saying that, I said of course.. She has however been telling people at nursery the same thing lately and I've made an appointment for her health visitor to see her as I'm worried she is still being traumatised.
The supervisor text me during the session to say that she's having a nice time and ran up to him straight away and it's odd that she said "my daddy is scary"
I said to her, no it's not odd.. You only see 2 hours of her life.. You can't cast aspersions on anything else.. I said if you're trying to make inference that I would denigrate him in front of her then I don't take kindly to that.
My daughters father is so cruel and abusive, there is a reason why he's having supervised contact..
I feel like she's inferred I've basically told her to say he's scary and I'm really upset because Irrespective of how abusive he's been to us both, I absolutely would never denigrate him to or in front of her because quite frankly she's been through enough in her short life.
I'm not sure what the point in posting is, but I feel like these supervisors are siding with him when they are supposed to remain impartial. He plays dad's of the fucking year in his contact sessions, I swallow every bit of how I feel and supress my emotions and take her, I've never missed a single session to date.
I just don't like how I've been made to feel.

I am so sorry to hear this. I find it so tough to hear your child needs to have contact with a man who abused you both. What a shocking state of affairs.

I think talking to HV is a good call. Young children are very good at masking and knowing what is expected of them. Her "having fun" with him during a session could be a survival strategy. She is keeping herself safe by being compliant with his expectations. The "supervisor" sounds like they have no training in child development or trauma.

Speak to health visitor and have lots of cuddles and love for both of you. She is lucky to have looking out for her and believing her.

How old is she?

3 years old.

So he hit and was horrible to your daughter and is still allowed to see her? What an absolute joke. I wouldn't be turning up.

Its court ordered, I have no choice :( he's done some horrific things to her.. I was a failure of a mother when I was with him as I didn't keep her safe, but I took her and ran and he initiated court proceedings and I withheld contact for 6 months, it was ordered to commence immediately by the most awful judge.. I went back and got the order varied and its now in a contact centre.

what does the social worker say

Two things stuck out to me.

You say that your ex has already been emotionally and physically abusive towards your daughter. You then say that she says that daddy is scary and that he 'hurts her.' But you say this can't be the case as the contact is supervised.

The fact your daughter is talking about the past abuse in the present tense suggests that your daughter is already traumatised and that she hasn't yet integrated the experience or made sense of it. (I have first hand experience of talking about past trauma in the present tense).

Running up to a parent does not mean that the child is not scared who traumatised by that person. As the above pp said, children can get very good at masking and will often go to great psychological lengths to maintain an attachment with an attachment figure, even in the face of extreme abuse. I agree with pp also regarding the supervisor who sounds scarily ill-informed about the effects of abuse and trauma on young children's development and attachment.

Has your daughter received any counselling for the abuse she has already suffered?

Also, I am very very sorry you have been put in this position as a parent who clearly wants to protect your child

Another thing which I wasn't happy about, I heard them coming back from going to the outside park which is owned by the centre, the supervisor said don't forget to tell dad when you need the toilet, then obviously she said she needed to go..
Why is she saying that.
DD is obviously perfectly capable of informing when she needs the toilet.. She doesn't need to say that.
My assumption was the supervisor was just there to observe and doesn't get involved in anyway.

@Branleuse

what does the social worker say

She hasn't got a social worker at present.

Supervisors do get involved when they need to.
That sounds very difficult. Do you get written reports of the contacts? Make sure these things are recorded at the time.

Can you speak to the social worker and explain what is happening? They probably do have to be aware of parents who do try to turn their children against the other parent. I am not in any way suggesting what has happened, just that this could be why the supervisor has to ask these questions that must be very upsetting for you.

She knows she has to see her dad in a centre with supervision and so understands that it is because he is scary. I think you should urgently ask for her to be referred for counselling and therapy for the past trauma.

She's not OK with telling him she needs the loo? OP she's scared of him. She's probably running up to him and being nice to him so that he doesn't hurt her.

Does he genuinely want to see her or is it a way to control you/her?

I'd report this person.
It is possibly your DC is remembering how he behaved or she has over-heard adults discussing the issues.

@tempester28

Can you speak to the social worker and explain what is happening? They probably do have to be aware of parents who do try to turn their children against the other parent. I am not in any way suggesting what has happened, just that this could be why the supervisor has to ask these questions that must be very upsetting for you.

She knows she has to see her dad in a centre with supervision and so understands that it is because he is scary. I think you should urgently ask for her to be referred for counselling and therapy for the past trauma.

She has said there isn't a social worker Not all children in private proceedings have a social worker

A horrific situation, OP. I feel so bad for you and your daughter

Is it possible to talk to the person who line manages the supervisor and explain your concerns? It sounds like a very scary and difficult situation.

I agree with pp who said your daughter runs towards her dad because she is trying to please him and thereby protect herself. She must be so frightened.

It's really concerning that a supervisor in a contact centre doesn't recognise this dynamic.

Op I understand it's a horrible situation but in the kindest possible way I think you're reading more into this than there is.
The supervisor is there to look out for the childs wellbeing - generally if a parent requires supervision it's assumed that they're not necessarily capable of parenting the child. Therefore the supervisor should check/prompt about toileting, snacks, if they're to too hot/cold etc. The supervisor can reassure a child that a parent isn't scary, in the sense of 'we're here to have fun and I'm here too' it doesn't mean that they're dismissing a childs previous experience and if a child was distressed obv they'd react differently.
Contact centre workers hear children repeat adult views all the time and in context it's not unreasonable for them to question whether your child has picked up a view from you or other adults around them. It's less common that children are intentionally prepped, but very common that a child overhears, or picks up an idea, or there's been a clumsy explanation that a child then runs with. If you've never had a slip up then great but that's not usual.

I think there's been a misunderstanding. The contact centre staff were trying to reassure you that your DD can't be intimidated or hurt by her dad whilst they are there. They asked your DD just to be sure they weren't missing something.
They don't know what happens outwith those two hours but they know your DD isn't seeing her dad outwith those two hours so there shouldn't be opportunities for her dad to be 'scary'. Obviously they will be aware that your DD could be referring to past trauma. They just have to make sure it's not anything current.

This is madness. If he's done "horrific" things to her shouldn't he be in prison?

Poor kid.

Scared & hurt by her father in the past but still forced to see him.

Utterly disgraceful.

The supervisor looked puzzled and said why are you saying that you have lots of fun with dad.

This is a problem. It's okay to ask "what makes you say daddy is scary?" But the question they asked was actually a minimisation of the child's feelings. "You have lots of fun with dad" = "You're not scared" = "Your feelings don't matter."

It's also quite possible for Dad to be grooming the supervisors and that's another reason why OP needs to ensure that proper safeguarding is happening, which includes taking the child's feelings seriously.

I don't think OP has misunderstood anything here, but even if she has, it's right to seek clarification and make sure that everyone involved with her child's care is fully responsible and aware of safeguarding.

The whole thing makes me feel so uncomfortable.. If I don't take her to contact ill be breaching the court order. She's so quick to defend him when I question anything. She's not impartial at all.

Is there anyone else you can speak to? A social worker, the person who manages the contact arrangements, anyone who could look into this? Is it possible to ask for a different person to supervise the contact? It doesn't sound like this person is really taking care of your daughter.

The contact supervisor is a qualified social worker in the local authority that contact takes place in.. We live in a different local authority.. I'm concerned she's basically colluding with him.. I've never once missed a session. But after today I'm so concerned.

The supervisor text me during the session to say that she's having a nice time and ran up to him straight away and it's odd that she said "my daddy is scary"

That is a straight factual report (of how the session is going) and a perfectly reasonable comment. It IS odd you daughter has said that when he is supervised and nobody can see anything untoward happening.

She has absolutely done her job of first, reassuring you " DD is not in distress right now at our centre" AND acknowledging this new development.

You've misinterpreted the staff member's behaviour and transferred on to her, all the fears and worries and anger that belong to your EX.

Now, you need to let DD talk about how is Dad scary. Just in case she is not referring to past events, but something he's doing /saying now during supervision. Could he be whispering verbal threats to her during contact , telling her something like "Mummy is going to die. " A bad man is coming to get you at night". Squeezing her too tight?