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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD saying her dad is scary.

151 replies

Shockedatthesystem80 · 29/08/2021 11:13

My daughter only sees her father in a contact centre.. We've been going through the family court for nearly 1.5 years so far and no closer to a final resolution.. She has a 2 hour session.
Most of the time her session is positive. Her father was extremely physically and mentally abusive towards her. He is a very cruel man who the last Judge got the better measure of and has refused his multiple requests to increase contact.
In recent weeks, she's been saying to other people that her daddy is scary and he hurts her, obviously the latter part isn't true as his session is completely supervised. I've taken her to the session as usual this week and she ran up to the supervisor and said "my daddy is scary" and got very upset. The supervisor looked puzzled and said why are you saying that you have lots of fun with dad. Then she asks me if it's OK to ask her why she's saying that, I said of course.. She has however been telling people at nursery the same thing lately and I've made an appointment for her health visitor to see her as I'm worried she is still being traumatised.
The supervisor text me during the session to say that she's having a nice time and ran up to him straight away and it's odd that she said "my daddy is scary"
I said to her, no it's not odd.. You only see 2 hours of her life.. You can't cast aspersions on anything else.. I said if you're trying to make inference that I would denigrate him in front of her then I don't take kindly to that.
My daughters father is so cruel and abusive, there is a reason why he's having supervised contact..
I feel like she's inferred I've basically told her to say he's scary and I'm really upset because Irrespective of how abusive he's been to us both, I absolutely would never denigrate him to or in front of her because quite frankly she's been through enough in her short life.
I'm not sure what the point in posting is, but I feel like these supervisors are siding with him when they are supposed to remain impartial. He plays dad's of the fucking year in his contact sessions, I swallow every bit of how I feel and supress my emotions and take her, I've never missed a single session to date.
I just don't like how I've been made to feel.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 29/08/2021 18:37

This is a serious safeguarding concern and you need to raise it through official channels. You can contact a social worker in your LA and ask for advice. Or you could call the contact LA and ask to speak to the safeguarding officer. There will be a formal process to raise this as a concern.

I would try to do this before the next contact session is due to take place.

2bazookas · 29/08/2021 18:50

@Shockedatthesystem80

Another thing which I wasn't happy about, I heard them coming back from going to the outside park which is owned by the centre, the supervisor said don't forget to tell dad when you need the toilet, then obviously she said she needed to go.. Why is she saying that. DD is obviously perfectly capable of informing when she needs the toilet.. She doesn't need to say that. My assumption was the supervisor was just there to observe and doesn't get involved in anyway.
An excited/stressed child at supervised contact, may well need the toilet more often.

Some abused children know that asking the cruel parent for attention ( "I need a wee") results in being hurt or abused. When they daren't ask, they wet/mess themselves and the results are even worse; insults and threats.

That's why the supervisor reminds DD if you need to go it's okay, safe, to ask "scary dad" for the toilet It's also a reminder to Dad, to consider the childs needs.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/08/2021 18:51

@beastlyslumber

This is a serious safeguarding concern and you need to raise it through official channels. You can contact a social worker in your LA and ask for advice. Or you could call the contact LA and ask to speak to the safeguarding officer. There will be a formal process to raise this as a concern.

I would try to do this before the next contact session is due to take place.

No it isn't It might be a practice issue to be raised with the social worker's manager but it is not an issue to report to children's services. The child is not at risk of harm during contact.
Original poster
Shockedatthesystem80 · 29/08/2021 18:52

@beastlyslumber

This is a serious safeguarding concern and you need to raise it through official channels. You can contact a social worker in your LA and ask for advice. Or you could call the contact LA and ask to speak to the safeguarding officer. There will be a formal process to raise this as a concern.

I would try to do this before the next contact session is due to take place.

How would I do this. Do I call my local authority or the local authority that contact takes place in.. She works for that local authority.
OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedatthesystem80 · 29/08/2021 18:56

Seems a bit conflicting.. I don't really know what to think.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 29/08/2021 18:57

The child is not at risk of harm during contact.

There is a risk of harm, though. The minimisation of the child's feelings would concern me very much. OP is clearly very unhappy about how it's going. And the dad has been incredibly violent and emotionally abusive.

Better to raise concerns than brush them under the carpet. If it's looked into and it's all fine, then fine.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/08/2021 18:59

@beastlyslumber

The child is not at risk of harm during contact.

There is a risk of harm, though. The minimisation of the child's feelings would concern me very much. OP is clearly very unhappy about how it's going. And the dad has been incredibly violent and emotionally abusive.

Better to raise concerns than brush them under the carpet. If it's looked into and it's all fine, then fine.

You called it a 'serious safeguarding concern'. Where is the serious concern? Where is the risk of significant harm? This is an employee of a contact service who if the OP has concerns about her practice she can raise a complaint with the manager. A local authority social worker has NO remit to get involved here.
Imnewhere1991 · 29/08/2021 18:59

The supervisor does sound very odd.

beastlyslumber · 29/08/2021 19:00

@Shockedatthesystem80

Seems a bit conflicting.. I don't really know what to think.
Do you have a social worker in your LA that you've had contact with? I'd suggest calling them for advice. If not, you could call the contact LA child services and ask to speak to a social worker there. You don't have to make any kind of formal report, but explain your concerns and ask for their advice.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/08/2021 19:00

@Shockedatthesystem80

Seems a bit conflicting.. I don't really know what to think.
Contact the centre and ask for a conversation with the manager. She's an employee, think of it that way. What would you do if you had concerns about an employee in any other business?
RandomMess · 29/08/2021 19:02

I think I would respond "I suspect DD is very confused and conflicted. At the contact she sees nice Daddy which is the opposite experience to all her memories of him"

Personally I expect that is the truth. I would consider speaking to DD to about it if she brings up "yes sometimes Daddy has been very scary and sometimes he has been very nice" she could well be wanting affirmation of her truth, her experience of him IYSWIM.

Thanks
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/08/2021 19:02

Do you have a social worker in your LA that you've had contact with? I'd suggest calling them for advice. If not, you could call the contact LA child services and ask to speak to a social worker there. You don't have to make any kind of formal report, but explain your concerns and ask for their advice.

Really don't waste your time doing this. Or do, but it won't get you anywhere. As you very well know this is court ordered contact and therefore falls within the remit of the court to change or stop. A LA social worker has precisely zero power to do anything here. The employee's manager can address practice issues with her, so speak to them.

MMMarmite · 29/08/2021 19:03

I'm so sorry OP. It's obvious to me that she could find him scary due to past abuse, or due to subtle "offness" in his behaviour, even it he is not openly abusive during the sessions.

I've no experience of how to handle the system and fight this. But I wanted to say that you sound a lovely mum, you are doing a great job at protecting her the maximum possible. Flowers

BobLemon · 29/08/2021 19:05

You’ve jumped from being a bit upset by a comment (perfectly reasonable and understandable), to thinking that the social worker is colluding with him?? YABVU.

beastlyslumber · 29/08/2021 19:06

You called it a 'serious safeguarding concern'. Where is the serious concern? Where is the risk of significant harm?

The concern is that the contact supervisor is not properly supervising the contact to keep the child safe from her father's abuse. In the absolute worse case, the risk is that she is colluding with or being groomed by the abusive father. It may be that on further investigation, there's nothing to be concerned about and OP's mind can be set at rest. But that doesn't mean it shouldn't be looked into. Brushing things under the carpet is never wise.

Embracelife · 29/08/2021 19:10

Ask for referral to a child psychologist who can use play based techniques to get to understand what is going on
Maybe dd is talking about past incidents
But you need professional
Who can also report to court if needs be

BoredZelda · 29/08/2021 19:20

Maybe dd is talking about past incidents

Worth also remembering 3 year olds aren’t great when it comes to using present/past tense.

Original poster
Shockedatthesystem80 · 29/08/2021 19:28

I've taken her to every contact session to date and there's been no breach of the order from my side. But things I've noticed such as contact is supposed to take place at a particular time, he's supposed to arrive 30 minutes before, but he's been arriving just before and this week we almost crossed paths in the centre...but again, nothing is ever mentioned to him.. My solicitor sent him a letter addressing the terms of the order, but it was just ignored.

OP posts:
diddl · 29/08/2021 19:30

I would have thought even if it is about past incidents that would be enough for her not to have to see him.

I thought it was all supposed to be about what is best for the kid?

If he's such a risk (sorry can't think of a different word) that it's contact centre only then why should he even see her?

What does she get from it-other than reminders of past abuse?

JustLyra · 29/08/2021 19:30

@Shockedatthesystem80

I've taken her to every contact session to date and there's been no breach of the order from my side. But things I've noticed such as contact is supposed to take place at a particular time, he's supposed to arrive 30 minutes before, but he's been arriving just before and this week we almost crossed paths in the centre...but again, nothing is ever mentioned to him.. My solicitor sent him a letter addressing the terms of the order, but it was just ignored.
The centre staff don’t sound the most professional.

Did you post recently about him taking your DD to the park unsupervised?

Toooldforthis321 · 29/08/2021 19:31

I have witnessed traumatised children talking in the present tense for past experiences.
Also, I wouldn't expect a 3 year old to say that their dad 'used to be' scary, but you need to know for sure to keep her safe.
I'm very sorry to read your post OP. I hope you are able to get to the bottom of it, and whatever it is, I hope it gets sorted out. Flowers

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 29/08/2021 19:36

Do you trust the social worker/centre? If not, get your solicitor to send another letter outlining everything you’ve said here.

State you wish to see for a new supervisor to be appointed and you insist he adheres to his terms of the court order. If he won’t you want to go back to court and will cease visits. You want receipt of the letter in writing, if you receive no such validation you will take it that the visitation center that they cannot protect your child.

Refuse to adhere to the order. You have been more than amenable. You have tried reaching out but your concerns have gone ignored.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 29/08/2021 19:37

Is the supervisor definitely not leaving him unsupervised? can you request a change of venue?

AprilHeather · 29/08/2021 19:42

I find it so odd that people don’t think it is harmful for a child to be ordered by a court to see their abuser, dad or not.

diddl · 29/08/2021 19:52

@AprilHeather

I find it so odd that people don’t think it is harmful for a child to be ordered by a court to see their abuser, dad or not.
Yup!

Adults are given help to escape theirs-children are forced to have contact.

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