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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think no way should I creep and apologise?

121 replies

Suntrap · 28/08/2021 08:04

Hi all
I need urgent response as I'm away on holiday with DP and DC and also a group of family are coming today (different accommodation) and will be spending time with them. Although even if they weren't, the question would be the same

So havent been getting on great with DH for a couple of months. Been together a long time so not a massive issue as we always work things out.

Anyway couple of weeks ago we had a big row and it wasn't my fault
If it was, I'd apologise. Tbh, hes less likely to discuss things and 'talk '. His solution to arguments is leave it a few day to blow over and thinks all is okay.

I hate this approach, but if he has done something to really upset me then he will make a fuss and say sorry and kiss angry hug etc. But mostly he just thinks let things go and all will be okay.

So build up to the holiday, he seemed very annoyed with me still. No attempt to make amends. I kind of tried to broach the subject and that we were going away and not a good atmosphere and he didnt seem to give a shit.

I couldnt face any more eye rolls and 'oh God, dont start' comments if I asked if all was okay, so I left it.

So we go to our holiday home thurs evening and all seemed well. We were talking normalish and having a laugh. Normally in one of these situations, one of us would say "let's forget it and have a nice holiday, you know I love you blah blah".
I was hoping this would happen, but I wasnt prepared to be the one to say it as he was bloody horrible to me before we came away.

I know it sounds like I'm playing a silly game, but I'm not. We have been together 20+ years and have 4 DC. So we arent young kids.

Anyway, so I thought we were on the right track. Was looking forward to a fun time, affection, kisses and cuddles and bloody sex!!!!

So 2 days in and he seems quite happy with a kind of civil but not a massively brilliant approach.
No attempt to be nice. Hes not horrible but very matter of fact.
Now I could say
"Hey let's have a good holiday, forget our row!"
But I actually feel like saying WTAF?
Also, I dont want to cause a other row!!
What should I do? If it were my family coming today I'd think bollocks and ignore him!
Seriously though, holidays are precious and I dont want another week of just being civil and general chit chat. I feel like I'm away with a work colleague.

OP posts:

ohfook · 28/08/2021 08:18

I can't give advice because I think I'm very similar to you. Even though it would be for the greater good of the holiday, I'd find it very hard to back down if I didn't think it was my fault. It's a trait in my personality that I really don't love though.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/08/2021 08:20

I think you need to say “you really hurt my feelings, I deserve an apology and we need to clear the air.”

Let him do all the work with your family.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/08/2021 08:21

*his family

SharpLily · 28/08/2021 08:25

I have one rule I use in situations like this. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

If him apologising to you is a hill you want your usually happy marriage to die on then carry on as you are but as you say you always work it out then is ruining your holiday worth it to you for the sake of his apology? Is his apology more important to you than enjoying your holiday?

HollyGrail · 28/08/2021 08:31

DH behaves like this - it is usually due to him being anxious about what is happening. Though he woul deny that to the hilt.
He is stressed and takes it out on me. F ing angering but perhaps you could say ' something about being worried about having guests, worried that you will say the wrong thing, or worried that everyone won't get on. Worried about something rather that complaining or whingeing and he might switch and be more considerate of you, DH might do, or if I was annoyed that guests were coming might ditto make him switch to being more considerate of me (as he would be worried I might be arsey to guests).

Original poster

Suntrap · 28/08/2021 08:35

@ohfook
I'm happy to apologise for something I've done, or even if I'm not in the wrong, if it helps just to forget it for the greater good.
However, this time I cant.

I tried really hard to get him to see I was upset last week and we really needed to sort things out. He seemed to think there was no issue and I was just 'going on'.It just kept ending in another row so I gave up.

I really hoped we would get away and the mood would lighten and he would make some sort of gesture he was sorry or wanted to enjoy the holiday as a couple as well as a family.
But zilch.

Oh, I will absolutely make sure he does all the work with his family!!
I don't want to be on a holiday where I am playing silly games.

OP posts:

DogFoodPie · 28/08/2021 08:37

Sounds like he thinks it is your fault as you say he is still annoyed with you rather than accepting he is wrong but just won't apologise and letting it blow over.

Karwomannghia · 28/08/2021 08:39

I would ask are you still pissed off? He’ll probably deny it and you can say great let’s have a nice time shall we?
Or if he says yes say shall we talk about it when we get back?

Original poster

Suntrap · 28/08/2021 08:39

@HollyGrail
Yes I've thought this and he would most definitely be worried about me being arsey to others
They arent staying with us though.

And I know him so well, I'm thinking the ways he is atm, I've half a feeling he would say something like:
"I'm ok, I'm enjoying myself/wont spoil the holiday"
It's almost like hes happy just to be ticking away with general chit chat while we are here.
But this isn't a holiday like this.

OP posts:

MagnoliaBeige · 28/08/2021 08:44

I’d just try to accept that it’s not going to get resolved this holiday, take his lead and keep it civil then if you must, talk about it when you’re home. If the argument was a few weeks ago, he’s really not going to have a lightbulb moment and back down now and apologise.

You can choose to draw a temporary line, enjoy the holiday as much as possible and then tackle again when you’re home.

Original poster

Suntrap · 28/08/2021 08:44

@Karwomannghia

I would ask are you still pissed off? He’ll probably deny it and you can say great let’s have a nice time shall we? Or if he says yes say shall we talk about it when we get back?

This is normally what I would do(or him even if the situation was reversed)

But I kind of did this before we came away and he denied it and said it was me.
No one loves family time and getting away more than me but I cant bring myself to broach it yet again. Perhaps I should but he literally has no reason to be pissed off with me!!

Plus I planned and got everything ready for holiday
Have cooked meals. Tried to be nice in other ways.
This would usually lead to him softening and sorting it out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Suntrap · 28/08/2021 08:49

@SharpLily

I have one rule I use in situations like this. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

I totally agree lily Normally I'd be so excited about holiday and nothing could put me in a bad mood. I'd happily forgoe any apology just to have a good time

However, he has been really awful to me the past few weeks. Perhaps I've enabled it by not putting my foot down and demanding we talk before coming.

OP posts:

icedcoffees · 28/08/2021 08:50

If you both think you're right and are both waiting for the other to apologise, then this could go on for ages.

What's more important - "winning" the argument and getting a meaningless apology, or sorting it all out like adults and enjoying your holiday?

MoChridhe · 28/08/2021 08:51

@SharpLily

I have one rule I use in situations like this. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

I agree with this. Life is shit, choose to be happy.

redfairy · 28/08/2021 08:51

I think maybe your marriage is in a worse place than you think if you are not recovering from arguments in the usual pattern. Consider that he may be detaching or have something going on that you are not aware of eg work issues, friendships

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 28/08/2021 08:52

Sulking is emotional abuse.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 28/08/2021 08:52

@SharpLily

I have one rule I use in situations like this. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

Capitulate to a sulking emotional abuser and take responsibility for something she didn't do to keep the peace? Terrible advice

LJAKS · 28/08/2021 08:55

I had this dynamic in my marriage. Until the day I just thought nope, no more. Maybe he's at the point where he doesn't want this cycle? Maybe you are? It's not really normal even though you've framed it as such. Took me a long time to realise that it was not what a healthy relationship should be. Never been happier or more emotionally stable than since I left 🥴😂

Original poster

Suntrap · 28/08/2021 08:56

@MagnoliaBeige
You know what. I think this is it and I've just got to accept it.
He can get quite defensive at times and what I dont want is raised voices in our holiday home while he insists its not him.
DC are mixed ages but will understand.

It may antagonize him more and create a bigger problem.
At least at the moment we are chatting and being civil.
I'm not normally the type of person to keep my gob shut but hey ho!!
I'm upset that we are having a much needed holiday and we are.like companions not partners.

Well, it continues like this it can carry on when we get back too as if this is ruined I will be furious.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 08:56

Just because you've resolved issues this way for a long time it doesn't make it a good way to resolve issues.

Eventually it's not going to be enough.
I think your husband may have had enough this time.

Neither of you think you were wrong. I'd just make amends for the sake of everyone else. 20 years is way too long to be proud about who said what and who upset who. You're both adults with a family - just sort it out.

A couple of months is a really long time for things to not be 'right'.

Notonthestairs · 28/08/2021 08:57

We always argue before and during holidays - DH's work pressurises him (constant contact) and I get very resentful.

This year I chose to laugh about it.

It was a shit holiday - terrible weather, a car accident (nobody hurt thank god), DH doing conference calls and very little sleep. But we had a good time and I shall look back on it fondly.

Choose your holiday. You won't get the time back.

Mybalconyiscracking · 28/08/2021 08:58

Just bloody talk to him, how does anyone stay married for 20 years when they play these games. I would go insane!
Tell him how you feel. TALK TO HIM!

RealBecca · 28/08/2021 08:58

If you always work it out then id probably have had it out sooner or make the peace this time and discuss it after holiday when hes in a better headspace.

And discuss the actual behaviour he is doing now and what you expect to change and what happens if it doesnt.

Otherwise it seems pointless to win the battle but not the war.

Is it possible hes doing this deliberately to piss you off?

KingdomScrolls · 28/08/2021 08:59

I couldn't be dealing with this kind of passive aggressive nonsense, I would ask again if there was anything wrong, if he denied it or tried to turn it back on me, honestly I'd go home and leave him there. It's not the kind of holiday I'd want and I hate game playing

Tiana4 · 28/08/2021 09:00

It's your marriage. You know your DH well. These things can shake the foundations of a marriage which slowly crumbles

He doesn't want to talk but a previous PP said above , it won't hurt to say something

"I think you owes me an apology, I didn't do what you said I did and you hurt my feelings. I am trying to recover from it and you sulking and being off with me isn't helping. We have been married a long time - you have a responsibility here to treat me with respect and accept I have different views to you.

So you can either say you agree to respect that and regret that we've fallen out over it, or you will continue to undermine our relationship. I would like to move on and need you to hear this and stop any sulky behaviour. "

That way he's not having to actually apologise but to take a bit of responsibility & may agree to not wanting atmosphere to continue

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