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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no way should I creep and apologise?

121 replies

Suntrap · 28/08/2021 08:04

Hi all
I need urgent response as I'm away on holiday with DP and DC and also a group of family are coming today (different accommodation) and will be spending time with them. Although even if they weren't, the question would be the same

So havent been getting on great with DH for a couple of months. Been together a long time so not a massive issue as we always work things out.

Anyway couple of weeks ago we had a big row and it wasn't my fault
If it was, I'd apologise. Tbh, hes less likely to discuss things and 'talk '. His solution to arguments is leave it a few day to blow over and thinks all is okay.

I hate this approach, but if he has done something to really upset me then he will make a fuss and say sorry and kiss angry hug etc. But mostly he just thinks let things go and all will be okay.

So build up to the holiday, he seemed very annoyed with me still. No attempt to make amends. I kind of tried to broach the subject and that we were going away and not a good atmosphere and he didnt seem to give a shit.

I couldnt face any more eye rolls and 'oh God, dont start' comments if I asked if all was okay, so I left it.

So we go to our holiday home thurs evening and all seemed well. We were talking normalish and having a laugh. Normally in one of these situations, one of us would say "let's forget it and have a nice holiday, you know I love you blah blah".
I was hoping this would happen, but I wasnt prepared to be the one to say it as he was bloody horrible to me before we came away.

I know it sounds like I'm playing a silly game, but I'm not. We have been together 20+ years and have 4 DC. So we arent young kids.

Anyway, so I thought we were on the right track. Was looking forward to a fun time, affection, kisses and cuddles and bloody sex!!!!

So 2 days in and he seems quite happy with a kind of civil but not a massively brilliant approach.
No attempt to be nice. Hes not horrible but very matter of fact.
Now I could say
"Hey let's have a good holiday, forget our row!"
But I actually feel like saying WTAF?
Also, I dont want to cause a other row!!
What should I do? If it were my family coming today I'd think bollocks and ignore him!
Seriously though, holidays are precious and I dont want another week of just being civil and general chit chat. I feel like I'm away with a work colleague.

OP posts:
RealBecca · 28/08/2021 09:00

How can you be like conpanions not partners if you think sex is on the table?

ThinWomansBrain · 28/08/2021 09:03

why not go home on your own and leave him to it? - sounds like a break and time by yourself will be more refreshing than a 'civil' holiday.

Original poster
Suntrap · 28/08/2021 09:03

@redfairy

I think maybe your marriage is in a worse place than you think if you are not recovering from arguments in the usual pattern. Consider that he may be detaching or have something going on that you are not aware of eg work issues, friendships
I'm thinking the same. I think we are just getting less tolerant of each other maybe.
OP posts:
DoubleEx · 28/08/2021 09:03

If he’s been really awful to you in the weeks leading up to the holiday, why are you so keen for him to agree to brush it under the carpet so you can both pretend it’s all fine?

I know that this dynamic between you and him is your normal but what your describing isn’t all that normal or healthy.

Original poster
Suntrap · 28/08/2021 09:06

@DoubleEx
No I absolutely do not want it brushed under the carpet.
I was hoping we could chat and resolve it before we came. I tried.
That failed so I hoped the good holiday vibe would kick in and.he would at least reach out with an affectionate gesture.

OP posts:
DoubleEx · 28/08/2021 09:06

Sounds like there are big issues in your marriage but nothing ever gets properly resolved. He sulks, then one of you caves and you agree to forget it for now. But the issue is still there.

How was he being awful to you before the holiday?

Karwomannghia · 28/08/2021 09:06

I avoid trying to talk through things like this now because it makes it worse as dh is so defensive and the longer it goes one from the original incident the more entrenched we both get. I just think you’ve got to say can we both move on from this. If he says well you haven’t or whatever and gets defensive say I want to and try and have a hug to diffuse it. Some physical contact can break the spell. Not saying you’re in the wrong but you’re going to have to be the bigger person.

icedcoffees · 28/08/2021 09:06

Capitulate to a sulking emotional abuser and take responsibility for something she didn't do to keep the peace? Terrible advice

Where are you getting emotional abuse from?

The whole dynamic sounds dysfunctional- on both sides. Both of them are refusing to apologise or forgive the other!

Original poster
Suntrap · 28/08/2021 09:07

@RealBecca

How can you be like conpanions not partners if you think sex is on the table?
Well that ain't gonna happen now I suppose. I thought it would all sort itself out but I guess I was expecting too much
OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 28/08/2021 09:07

And maybe set up some counselling for when you get back.

icedcoffees · 28/08/2021 09:08

It reads to me like he feels you've upset him and wants an apology. You feel the same but you're both refusing to make the first step and apologise, so the tension and problems are just continuing.

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 28/08/2021 09:08

My ex was the same. I can't stand not having an adult discussion and things dragging on
When he let it continue into holidays it was a hill I was prepared to die on
He would act ok when people were there then continue the silent/not quite right when they were gone
I could have always sorted it by being the one to apologise/make things right but imo that reinforces to them that they are right and I'm not a door mat
I did leave him over it

DoubleEx · 28/08/2021 09:09

Sounds like he was being an arse and owes you an apology but he’s not going to give it to you. And you can’t extract one from him. So it’s up to decide you what you do with that information about what his behaviour is telling you.

Original poster
Suntrap · 28/08/2021 09:20

The initial issue was him being really, really shitty with me about something a few weeks ago.
It upset me but he denied he was mean to me. I was well you have made me feel bad.

I couldnt let it go, so kept bringing it up. He said I 'was going on'.
He absolutely is not a sulker to those who have said that.
But I got the silent treatment.
He was proper on the defensive too and everytime I tried to mention that I was upset he would like literally get the rage!!
As we were at work and busy we just ticked along.
Every so often I'd mention it and he accused me if being sarcastic or picking a row. I tried to explain that I wasnt picking a row, but rather trying to settle the initial row!!

And so it's gone on. Hes been absolutely fine in the respect normal activities at home are concerned and day to day stuff.
But no affection. Nothing.

I dont know why I thought holiday would magically solve everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Suntrap · 28/08/2021 09:21

@WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld

My ex was the same. I can't stand not having an adult discussion and things dragging on When he let it continue into holidays it was a hill I was prepared to die on He would act ok when people were there then continue the silent/not quite right when they were gone I could have always sorted it by being the one to apologise/make things right but imo that reinforces to them that they are right and I'm not a door mat I did leave him over it
The silent, not quite right is bang on.
OP posts:
SLT90 · 28/08/2021 09:22

This reads really oddly to me to be honest! So he's apparently done something wrong enough that you desperately want an apology...but yet he's the one being stand-offish and you just want the argument over with so you can have sex? Doesn't make sense! All sounds a bit petty 🤷‍♀️

tobedtoMNandfart · 28/08/2021 09:25

"He is absolutely not a sulker.....But I got the silent treatment" .... erm!!

tobedtoMNandfart · 28/08/2021 09:27

The red flag in all this is that you have been quite hurt for an extended period. He appears not to care and in fact is angry.

Original poster
Suntrap · 28/08/2021 09:28

Well not quite Hmm
I dont just want things to get back to normal to have sex.
I wanted a normal nice happy holiday.
I didn't expect our row to go on so long.

He was very shitty to me
I wanted to recognise that he had upset me and wanted to discuss it.
He thought I was overreacting.
I tried to explain it didnt matter whether he thought he had done anything wrong or not, I was hurt.
And so it's gone on.

OP posts:
SharpLily · 28/08/2021 09:28

Emotional abuser? That's a bit of a reach, @CloseYourEyesAndSee. We don't know enough about their marriage to assume that. The OP thinks he's in the wrong, he may very well feel that she's the one at fault and is emotionally abusing him. Or maybe you're right and he is a truly awful man but I personally don't get that idea from the little the OP has told us. Or are you one of those posters who advises 'LTB' if a man doesn't unload the dishwasher one day?

In an otherwise good relationship there has to be give and take, there has to be compromise on both sides. My husband sometimes appears to be sulking and it's very annoying, particularly when he tells me he's fine when I ask what's wrong! But he is in no way an emotional abuser, very far from it. I know him well enough to understand that it means there's something worrying him and he hasn't worked out how to deal with it or what to tell me yet. He deals with things in his own way. It's not sulking and to try and force him to be different would make me the emotional abuser.

DoubleEx · 28/08/2021 09:28

Sounds like he’s checking/checked out. If he’s been shitty with you and he knows he’s been shitty with you, but is trying to minimise it and doesn’t seem sorry, then you have a problem.

Sounds like he understands he’s really upset you, he just doesn’t care.

I’d be doing some discrete digging around if I were you. Why does he think he can afford to be shitty with you and not apologise…?

icedcoffees · 28/08/2021 09:29

The initial issue was him being really, really shitty with me about something a few weeks ago. It upset me but he denied he was mean to me. I was well you have made me feel bad.

What was the initial argument about? Was he deliberately shitty to you or did the situation cause you to become upset?

Original poster
Suntrap · 28/08/2021 09:29

@tobedtoMNandfart

The red flag in all this is that you have been quite hurt for an extended period. He appears not to care and in fact is angry.
Exactly
OP posts:
icedcoffees · 28/08/2021 09:30

What would an apology actually achieve at this point? Surely it wouldn't be genuine so what's the point?

Original poster
Suntrap · 28/08/2021 09:30

He doeant sulk.
When I say silent treatment, I really mean talking but only when he has to. About DC, general stuff.

OP posts: